bittersweet

I should be in bed. I have work in the morning and I'm pretty tired from my shift today.

That's the recipe for a blog session, folks. My mind is busy with ideas, expectations, plans and goals and there is no way I can sleep without getting at least some of it out. Those who visit my blog occasionally may think I haven't written in a while. Truth of the matter is, I've written a few blogs over the past few weeks, but I post them at night and remove them in the morning. It's essentially been the same thing as writing a letter to someone you'd really love to tell off and then just burning the letter instead of mailing it. The words I wrote were useless negativity pointed toward the idea of being here and not knowing why. Writing is therapeutic (and sometimes an escape) for me and I got rid of those emotions by writing what I truly felt. But re-reading those postings in the morning, I'd realize I didn't want anyone to see it. You understand, right?

At any case, I am doing very well now. After 3 1/2 long weeks of waiting to hear back from my interview, I was offered an assistant bakery manager position at the Harmon's in West Jordan. The hours are random, the pay is good (with strong possibilities of overtime) and the crew I work with is mature and great to be around. I couldn't ask for better at this point. Now I can focus on filling the financial hole I dug myself into from the economy back in Chicago, continuing to be with my family and friends at every chance I get and when I have time, count down the days until I go back to see Scott again. (31 days or so, by the way...)

What have I been up these past few weeks, you may ask? Lunch with my grandpa and aunts, dinners at my moms, spending quality time with my sister and her family one day and my other sister and her family the next, working out more than I ever expected myself to, clubbing with friends, getting drunk with friends, brunch with friends, lunch with friends, watching some new releases in the movie theaters and hating every single one of them, reading, laughing until I can't breathe with my brother and his family, going on random drives, watching the sunrise at my dads grave, learning Italian, sleeping, dreaming, writing, dancing, baking, missing Scott, running, playing Wii and actually getting decent at it, watching the entire series (up to this point) of Brothers and Sisters, attending mass, getting my cards read by a psychic, contemplating, meditating, praying, staring blankly and then snapping out of it only to wonder how long I was actually staring blankly...

It's been a busy couple of weeks. And while I've had such a great experience here so far, I still miss my home in Chicago everyday - I miss seeing Scotts facial expressions daily (especially when he's trying to be mad, but I can see a slight smirk on his face), I miss sex and the connection I felt with him, I miss knowing he's just in the other room looking at opera on youtube, I miss entertaining guests in our home, I miss my cats and how they meow for no reason, I miss experiementing with recipes in my kitchen...

So while I feel I'm where I'm supposed to be, it's completely bittersweet. And not in a delicious chocolately sort of way. (Well, maybe in that sort of way.)