25

It will be my 25th birthday in ten minutes. I guess there’s something that is anticipating this day more than any of my previous birthdays - I’ve let go of expectations of people recognizing that it is my birthday and I don’t really want or need anything. So what I’m left with is my thoughts and my personal opinion that I should celebrate my own life by reflection of where I’ve been and contemplating on my expectations for the future. I think 25 is a very good age for that… For someone who is a quarter-century old, I think I’m at a good spot to know, at the very least, who I’m not - and as a result, I can more clearly define who I am and what I expect out of life.

It’s 12:00 - Happy Birthday me.

I believe that everyone has a brilliant biography that contains thousands of stories and lessons learned and no one will ever hear it. My story is no exception - there are people in my life who know many aspects of who I am and where I’ve been… But no one who knows everything except me. And my story is brilliant and beautiful. Tragic and compelling. Filled with compassion and sincere love. But I can honestly say that I’ve spent more time over these past 25 years looking back than I have been looking forward. I’ve always seemed to reflect on the past and dwell there - learning as much as I could about why it happened and what was the lesson to be learned. And I think that is a great thing, to a point.

So I am planning for this next year (and for the twenty-five years after) to continue to learn lifes little lessons, but to spend more time looking forward than looking back.


So - here's a toast to being 25 and a work in progress...

Ragnar Relay

My sister Heather and her husband Kirk have gotten into running over the past few years - and because of them, I have been roped into it as well. It all started with the Salt Lake Marathon, which was for a good cause - since it benefited the Huntsman Cancer Institute and the race was held on June 3 (My Dad's birthday - who passed away from cancer) 26.2 miles later, that whole experience sparked a passion in us and we've been involved with running ever since.

My sister called me about 6 months or so ago and asked me to be involved in a relay marathon. Her team needed one more person and I was the first person she had thought of. So I agreed - Not even knowing what exactly a relay marathon was. The simple explanation is that there is 12 teammates who help run 36 different portions of a race that runs from Logan to Park City. Each of us teammates run 3 portions of the race - varying in length and difficulty and, if I remember right, the race totals about 180 miles.

There were 6 of us in each car - so we got to know our other teammates very well. Beside Kirk and Heather, there were Troy and Amber (a couple in Heather's ward) and Trevor (a friend of Troy and Amber's) in our car. We varied in background and current situation, but we actually all got to be very comfortable around each other very quickly. And there was such a strong sense of support among us. Obviously, I am close with Heather and Kirk - but I had never met Troy, Amber or Trevor before in my life... and for a day and half, we were all relying on each other for support and strength and were there for each other whenever someone needed something as simple as water - or important as encouragement.

I was the third runner - all of my runs were rated 'moderate' in difficulty and with my three portions, I ran 5.6 miles, 4.9 miles and 5.1 miles. I trained for it the best I could and was glad I had. We had one person on our team who hadn't trained much before hand and ended up throwing up for most of his first run... Good times.

We started around noon on Friday (June 20) - and my portion began around 2:00. My first run started in a small town,then became the long stretch of road to another small town. The temperature was about 85 - 90 around that time - which threw me back on time a little bit, because I did quite a bit of training at the gym or in the mornings. Not the best run, but a decent start.

After all of the people in our car had finished their runs, we grabbed a quick bite to eat and tried to find a place to shower. Troy had grown up in the area, so he told us that he had a perfect spot... we got to the destination and realized that he was talking about a lake that we could just bath in. If we weren't comfortable around each other before, we were after - since the lake was pretty cold, we had to encourage each other just to get in and take care of it...

My second run was around 11:45 at night and started near a freeway off-ramp and went through the side streets of a very small town in the middle of nowhere. For the night runs, all the runners are required to wear reflective safety vests and a headlight, so the only things I could see was what was about 20 feet in front of me and the moon and stars. It was, by far, the most memorable, exhilarating run in my life... Ironically enough, my MP3 player decided to die after mile two of that run, so I ran with only the various night sounds around me, my breathing and the beating of my shoes hitting the pavement. I can't adequately describe how great that run was for me... I made pretty good time, but the experience was more than worth it.

After our car finished our runs the second time around (which was around 2:00 a.m.), we went to a local high school which had been opened up for all of the runners to sleep in between runs. It was basically a free-for-all - if you could find a place to sleep, then you were able to sleep there... and the place looked like a hobo camp. We walked down the hallway of the high school and on each side, runners were huddled up in sleeping bags sleeping deeply. For the life of me, I couldn't comprehend how anyone could find comfort of any sort on the floor of a high school hallway, but as soon as I had laid my sleeping bag down - it took me about 4 minutes before I was out.

We woke up about 3 hours later - ate some fruit and bagels and get ready for our last leg of the race. I'm not sure if we were all just excited for this to be the last run for each of us, but there seemed to be a little more energy in the car. The day was beginning to get warm when I started my last run, but luckily there was a cool breeze the whole time which helped make the run more tolerable. For the most part, my portion was downhill and if my legs weren't so extremely sore from the runs before, I'm sure it would've been quite a bit easier than it was...

But as I was nearing the end of my run, a song came on my MP3 player... Chocolate by Snow Patrol. I'm not sure why exactly, but this song has always clicked with me - and the first verse struck me as I ran.

'This could be the very minute I'm aware I'm alive -
All these places feel like home'

It seemed to be a very introspective moment for me and I realized at that moment that I just finished something that was, by far, one of the most incredible moments in my life. The entire experience was so unique and wonderful, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed my it.

We all finished our runs feeling strong and accomplished - and after a celebratory dine out, we drove back to Salt Lake.

The day ended out very well - One of my best friends in life, Caitie Jolley, wanted to get together and have a dinner party for our birthdays (hers being on June 13 and mine on June 26). I was a worried that I wouldn't get back in time because of the race, but it turned out that there was plenty of time.

So with my man at the helm making of some amazing food, me making some delicious chocolate mousse, and Caitie setting up a beautiful dining experience, we and some of our close friends enjoyed a night together relaxing and enjoying each others company. A perfect way to end the night...

Chicago

Today is the first day back to work from being in Chicago.

*sigh*

First off, don't get me wrong. I love me some Utah, but it feels bland being back here in Utah. This is my personal opinion, but I really feel that as a culture, Utahns fall into a rut of sorts. There are a variety of factors in this, but I'll focus on career choices. I'll use Scott's work as an example. During our orientation (yes, Scott and I worked together for a brief period in our relationship - and we learned a great deal from that to say the least...) we had so many managers and trainers who would tell us "I came to work here as a summer job and flash forward to 8 years later - I'm still here!" I've found that it's not just at his job either... I see countless people who are doing something that doesn't fulfill their passion, but for one reason or another, they just settle because it's comfortable there. There is definitely some opportunity to work my way up in the job I'm currently at, but when you get right down to the base of it all, it's not what I want to do. I didn't go to culinary school to manage people. I did it because I love to bake - because I love to design and create incredible desserts... If I stayed here, I'd feel I had settled. And I'd feel unfulfilled. And while Scott and I were in Chicago, I felt so good about moving there... that there is definitely plenty of opportunity to fulfill my passion...

To put it simply, I'm excited. It's funny because Scott and I don't have a place to live yet and neither of us have jobs lined up - but I still feel like this is an extremely positive move for both of us. And that's all I have to go on at this point... a strong feeling. But I think that's a pretty great place to start.

Chicago is amazing. We stayed at the Marriott Downtown which is right on Michigan Avenue. So we were literally feet away from some incredible stores and some amazing architecture. We had the idea of looking for places to live and after many failed attempts of reaching some contacts, we decided to trust our feelings and simply took a bus up to the most northern spot of the city where we wanted to live. I'm pretty sure that we were walking around for a good 3-4 hours, but it was so worth it. There are some incredibly beautiful neighborhoods... I'm talking about large gorgeous trees that create a canopy over streets, beautiful old buildings that have been completely revamped inside - it feels so classic. We decided that we want to live in an area called Andersonville - it's fairly trendy, gay-friendly, close to public transportation, and close to many restaurants and events... (It's basically the equivalent of Sugarhouse) We have actually gotten in contact with a guy named Rick (who was referred to us by Scott's instructor at school) who helps people find apartments - so we have him the information of what we are looking for and he'll contact us when he finds something that meets those qualities. All free of charge. Pretty sweet deal, if you ask me.

Now all we have to do is wait for 6 more weeks to pass before we begin our exodus. We were originally planning on rental a U-haul and hauling our things (with my car following behind) - but after being there we've since decided to simply sell all of our things and start fresh in the Windy City. So... if you know of anyone looking for some beat up couches, some shelves, a queen-sized bed, and desks - please let us know.

And for your viewing pleasure, here is a picture taken from our hotel room of the sunset in Chicago.

Sadie's Blog

I just got done reading my sister's blog - There is some pictures of when I went over to their house and made a cake with Sadie and Olivia. There aren't many things that I feel like I really want or need to do before I left for Chicago, but that experience was something that I have really wanted to do for a while. Olivia and Sadie were so great with making the cake and the frosting... and they went all out on decorating the final product. Besides that, I was able to see home videos of the Huish family during their dream vacation and, very importantly, I got to send some quality time with my sister. There are definitely some memories I'll be cherishing forever.

At any rate - go over to her blog and check out the pictures of their dream trip and also the incredible talents of my nieces!

sadiehuish.blogspot.com

Reiki and Ranting (a powerful duo)

God. It's been one of those days. I've decided that as much as I love the responsibility, leadership experience and, let's be honest, pay of being in management at work, I can't help but feel that all I am is a glorified babysitter. It seems that whenever the manager of the bakery I work at is on her day off and I am in charge, shit hits the fan. And as soon as that mess is cleaned up, there are more bags of shit flung at the fan to liven things up yet again. I consider myself an optimistic person with a general care-free demeanor but I really don't feel as though I should be telling adults what they should and shouldn't be doing and going as far as expecting them to... I don't know... show up for their scheduled shifts or tell me when they are running low on something so I can order it. There is just a ball of unnecessary drama that continues to float nonchalantly around the bakery at all times... How much longer until I move to Chicago??
OK. I have that out of my system.
These past few days have been interesting and strangely enlightening. Last weekend, Scott had some unfortunate news about his grandmother passing away and he went back to the golden mid-west to Des Moines to be with his family during the services. (For more information on that, you should read his blog. My man gave a very touching tribute to his grandmother and although I didn't know her personally, reading his words and hearing him talk about her previously has given me nothing but the highest respect for her life and all she and their family have been through.) In the midst of this unfortunate experience, I am facing almost a week apart from Scott. I believe a little separation is good for a relationship - and I've used this time to get more in touch with myself.
On Sunday, I decided to set up an appointment at Healing Mountain Massage School (I highly recommend it - not only is it fairly inexpensive, but it's pretty much amazing - http://www.healingmountain.org/slcHome.html ). I wanted to do a massage, but was much more interested in the Tibetan Reiki Energy Treatment that they offered. I've done some research with chakras and energy work and have found it completely fascinating... so with that in mind, I showed up for my appointment and checked in. There were some issues with the scheduling and I ended up getting a different person than I was told... who has just happened to be a Reiki master for almost 15 years. The treatment was so fascinating - she was very talkative about what work she was doing and we had a very interesting conversation about energy work and relations to religion and spirituality. The feeling during the session was so unique - I can only compare it to feeling similar to 'feeling the spirit' when I was involved in the church - and the the idea of positive energy in mind, I'd imagine it is a very similar sensation - if not the same. At any rate, the only way I can describe the feeling after is how you'd imagine flowing water would feel. A little bizarre, but great. After the session, she could tell that I was very interested in our conversation and the session, so she gave me a list of some books to read and was more than willing to help me learn more. Overall, the experience was so random, but so unique and what I needed.
It's too bad I had to go to work this morning... I went from a flowing river of positive energy to a black hole... but I think I'm back to feeling fine. (Limoncello works wonders in helping me feel fine...)

In other ideas of being alone and facing thoughts of my past, I think I realize why I'm so upset at the LDS church. I've blogged about it before in previous posts, but I think what it all comes down to is that I felt so guilty for being who I am and yet devoted so much time and energy into proving to others, and myself, that it was right. I'm not implying the church is wrong, but it is definitely not right for me. I feel like a scorned lover (For the record, I just laughed out loud as I wrote that) - I devoted myself and who I was to something that turned it's back on me when I wasn't in sync with what they believe to be right. Not only the church, but my closest family members as well. So, to those of you who do read this, who are involved in the LDS church and believe it to be correct, I respect you and admire your faith. I have just been burned so deeply and the scar runs so deep that I can't even look back on my experiences as a missionary without my heart hurting. It was such a dark place for me - which is so ironic...
I'm glad, in a sense, that I will be living in another city soon. I'm tired of church talk in regular conversation (You say you need a dessert for your home teaching families, eh?) and I'm tired of being careful who I let know about me and Scott (Um... no. He's not just my roommate...)
I'm finally me - as whole as a work in progress can possibly be and I'm truly happy. Why should I feel guilty about that?