Bah Humbug

I am already sick of Christmas.

Mainly for a few specific reasons. First off, shopping. Where did it become tradition for people to spend large amounts of time and money in pursuit of gifts for people? I decided that I needed to get out of the apartment yesterday and ended up at Target. The parking lot was full which I considered a bad sign, but I continued on. When I was inside the store, I was walking down the main aisle near the checkout stands and I felt like T.V. Carpio in 'Across The Universe' when she is singing her opening number. In the movie, she is walking calmly through a football practice, singing this slow, touching song and all around her are these monster football players demolishing each other... Now, I wasn't singing a touching song - I'd say I was more appalled by the sight of everyone around me. The store was literally in shambles and I left without purchasing (or desiring) anything. I was really upset by the whole situation - mainly because I can't stand the idea of a sincere holiday season being uprooted by commercialism and consumerism. My boyfriend and I decided recently that we would only get two gifts this season - one need and one want. I thought it was pretty wise of us, simply because it kept us away from getting too involved with getting a lot of junk and would help us focus more on the 'spirit' of the season. After being out yesterday though, I'm getting the feeling if I need something, I'll just get it and not wait for a holiday. And if I want something, I'll just save up for it and get it eventually.

The second thing about Christmas - songs about Jesus. In the words of my boyfriend, "You can't take Christ out of Christmas music". Right. Have you really thought about it though? If you are a Christian and you are reading this, consider the sincere, loving, self-less individual that Jesus was. (I'm personally not Christian, but I love studying religion and I admire the words and acts of Jesus) Now, knowing the kind of man he is, do you think he'd really want to hear these songs glorifying him and his birth? In the Bible, he never wanted praise, but instead felt all praise should be given to his Father. I personally believe that he wouldn't want as much attention given to his birth (even if the miraculous immaculate conception and birth were true) and instead want the attention given to listening and applying his teachings. But - that's just me.

Cleaning House

Have you ever wanted to completely forget the past? Maybe not all of your past, but certain aspects of it? I'm going through this awkward sense of emotion that wants to just rid myself of anything that reminds me of the broken parts of the road and the many potholes that got me to this point in my life. I guess part of me wanted to hold onto it all because I've maintained the belief for so long that we learn from our past - and by doing so we better our future. But I guess my question now is: Once we learn from our past, do we completely rid ourself of it? Is it right to forget? This whole blog stems from a garbage can that is next to me - it is full of memories of times when I was an LDS missionary. I can picture my mom telling me now that I should hold onto those memories because I'll want to reflect on them later - and I've thought that for a while as well. But every time I bring them out, I get a little emotional simply because I was in such a deep sense of denial about my sexuality and I was so depressed... So instead of surfacing feelings again I haven't felt for years, I've simply chosen to let them go.

So - to those memories, to those individuals, to the life I once lived - I bid you a strong and emotional goodbye.

taking sides

I just finished reading Night by Elie Wiesel. Those of you who have read it know how unbelievably heart-wrenching and emotional it is. But there is something he writes at the end that had a poignant effect on me. He writes, "We must take sides - Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere." Wiesel said this in his acceptance speech when he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in December of 1986. Perhaps it was because I had just read his horrific experience in Night - perhaps it was because I am a gay man and have felt the sting of oppression as I lived my life day to day in Utah - but it wasn't until I read those words that the idea of taking sides, taking a stand became a valid statement in my mind. I have always believed in balance, in neutrality, of karma - perhaps those things are still valid, but from today forward, I will no longer stand in the middle.

Balance

I just painted a picture. It was my intent to paint something with balance - I'm a firm believer that life should be balanced but it's interesting how the finished result reflects what I must really be feeling inside. I chose two colors - red and blue. I chose red to symbolize the deep, emotional feelings in my life and blue to show the positive aspect of life. I started out with paintbrushes, but quickly realized that it wasn't working well - so I chose to fingerpaint. It sounds very elementary, but it was a unique experience to feel the paint in your fingertips and to slowly feel my way over a blank canvas. It became very apparent in a matter of minutes that the red area had pushed its way to about 2/3 of the canvas. The blue area faded its way onto the canvas as well - after about an hour and a half of feeling my way through, I was finished. This is the result:

Day 1

Blame it on the fact that I had leftover alcohol sitting in the refrigerator (always a good problem to have, I suppose) but I feel as though I'm wallowing in self-pity for some God-only-knows reason - I mean, life is good, don't get me wrong. I just need to break away from the norm - I feel like I'm just barely above the water in a life filled with commercialism, stereotypes, unfairness, deception and jealousy. So I'm doing what I don't do at all - blog. Why? To get it all out and to be honest with myself. Wish me luck.