Holidays 2009

I'm starting this post in Kansas City, MO. I'm coming up on the tail end of an eventful holiday and am now here in Missouri supporting Scott in his first professional opera gig. Apparently a wealthy couple was celebrating their 50th anniversary and wanted to have opera singers perform their favorite opera. Scott was a part of this opera production this previous summer in Chicago, so was chosen to perform here in Kansas City. Pretty exciting... I'm trying to refrain from gushing, but, truth be told, I'm so proud of him.

This holiday season has been a great one. Full of emotion, but overall wonderful. Work has been incredibly stressful, but in a different way than before. Where a few months I was working some hard 70+ hour weeks, I am now barely able to make 40 hours - but still be expected to produce the same amount of work. I was tired before, but now I am physically exhausted and want to sleep all the time. Granted, I don't - thank God for coffee and other caffeinated products.

I can't really complain though. My executive pastry chef is exceptionally wonderful at her job - she is a rare breed that can completely fulfill both the pastry aspect and the management aspect of the position. She is understanding of where I'm at personally and professionally in my career and is very supportive in helping me become all I can be. That being said, she can be a gigantic bitch. There have been numerous times, I am not proud to admit, that she has come down on me for not being fast enough, for not assessing a situation properly or for not managing my time well enough. I know that as I write this, she is stretching me to become the best I can be - but there are times that I want to either scream and throw something or cry. Or both. Her and I recently had a sit down and talked about my goals and plans for the future. I expressed my interest in management and learning all I can in baking and pastry. So with that in mind, she has not forgotten on what I want to learn and continues to push me to the edge everyday.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm tired all the time. The stress of the job isn't just trying to get everything to look and taste perfect, it's the stress of getting it perfect in the fastest amount of time possible with a wonderful/frightening boss looking at your every move.

Which is why I've been truly enjoying my time away from work and from Chicago. I needed a break and the fact that it is the holidays and that Scott has a gig in a random city I've never been to helped me tremendously.

Christmas was great this year. Scott and I were actually able to wait until the 23rd to exchange gifts (usually neither of us can wait to give a gift, so we tend to give the gift the day we bought it). Scott got me a new camera and a beautiful glass mug set from Crate and Barrel, I got Scott a new external hard drive for his computer (doesn't sound exciting, but the man needed it) and a set of lovely champagne glasses from Crate and Barrel (great minds think alike). We also got each other stocking stuffers - I got him a new Vivica Genaux C.D. and he got me stainless steel measuring spoons and a wine bottle stopper. We also got each other the same snacks from World Market without the other knowing it - delicious imported grape gummies, dark chocolate bar with sea salt and ginger mints.

I worked the few days leading up to Christmas, including Christmas Eve. That day nearly killed me at work (see description of work above) and then I raced home to get ready for the Christmas service at church. There was a little pre-party with the choir members before the service started, then we all went over to the church to sing our little hearts out for the Christmas service. Its been pretty interesting singing with the choir. I, by no means, have a great singing voice - it is fairly average, in fact - but being able to sing the unique pieces we've sung and having the spiritual aspect of church to look forward to on a weekly basis has been a great experience. Not to forget, I love being a part of the choir when Scott is singing a solo - it sounds lame, but it makes me feel like I'm able to be a part of what he does and it makes me feel a little closer to him. That being said, the Christmas service was beautiful and full of music - some of the music was stunning, some that was a little odd - but all in all was a great privilege to be a part of. The service ended with the entire congregation singing Silent Night and the only light was from all of us holding candles - I'm not sure if that is typical of a Christmas service, but it was lovely and something I've never experienced. I got a tad emotional, given the year I've had, and I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed the entire experience. Especially since Christmas Eve has always been my family's time and it will always be hard to be away from them on that day. Talking on the phone with them during the party just isn't the same, you know? (Plus, I kept thinking how nice it will be to have this year over with. It has been such a rollercoaster.)

Anyway, the next morning, Scott and I got up early and hit the road. We were able to get to Des Moines by 1:00 or so and spent the entire day and night at his dad's house. It has been interesting to see an evolution in Scott and his dad's relationship - there has been quite a history with them, but the more Scott and I spend with his dad and his step-mom, Karen, the more I love and respect them. Take for instance the fact that they put a picture of Scott and I up in their home. It may seem small, but that little gesture nearly made me break out into tears. (Are you all getting the bottom line that I am emotional?!) I've never known acceptance like that - scratch that, not just acceptance, but love and support of us as a couple. They, as well as Scott's mom Collette, freely give us a place to stay whenever we are in town - I've never felt more welcome and more part of the family than I did over this holiday.

Scott and I got spoiled with gifts - we got some amazing books, some incredible cooking/baking supplies, among other things. The most exciting thing though was the fact that Scott's sister, Stacy, had her baby boy, Samson Ferris Hancock on December 28th. Unfortunately, it was the first night that Scott and I got into Kansas City, so we haven't been able to meet the little guy yet, but we are so excited to see him.

It made me think of all my nieces and nephews back in Utah - I sure miss them all so much. I miss Sadie everyday and thought of her a great deal over the past month - I still check Sadie's blog everyday. It has become habit. No longer am I checking to see if there is an update in her condition, but I still like to know that people besides me are thinking of her regularly. My sis does a great job at doing that.

God, what an emotional year. What an emotional holiday. Wish you all the best start to your new year - Oh. And Scott and I decided that instead of 'resolutions', we are doing 'New Years Renovations'. Feel free to jump on that train. ;)

Resolutions/Thanksgiving

As many of you know, my birthday this past year was an emotional one. I had moved back to Utah for a few months to be with my family while my niece fought a incredibly brave battle with cancer - she passed away the day before my 26th birthday. I don't remember much about my birthday except that I was numb and didn't really do much of anything - at least that's what I thought. Today I came across a list of my new year's resolutions - See, I decided (with the wise advice from a close friend) that resolutions should start on your birthday and be your goals and plans for your new year. I don't remember making a list, but I did - and it goes as follows:

• Commit time to getting in touch with myself spiritually
• Learn more about Jesus Christ - hopefully develop faith in Him
• Learn major chords on the guitar
• Commit myself to writing more poetry
• Find a stable career in Chicago that I love, has great benefits for Scott and myself.
• Get a new tattoo (in remembrance of Sadie)
• Read a new book every month
• Learn to love exercising (especially building muscle - not just doing cardio all the time)

I post it here now simply because a new year is coming up and since we as a people tend to draw our attention to resolutions and trying to make ourselves better, it felt somewhat appropriate. There are a few things on my list that I haven't even touched - learning to love exercising, learning major chords on the guitar, and getting a tattoo to name a few. But there are some that have already happened or are in the process of happening. The way things worked out with Marriott has given me a very stable career here in Chicago that I love completely and as of last week, Scott and I have insurance and benefits. By taking the train to work, I have a good 45 minutes each way with nothing much to do - except read. As a result, I've been able to read a new book every couple weeks.
And regarding spirituality, I'm sure it goes without saying that it is something that is definitely not a destination, but a journey - and I'm in the process. I've mentioned this in previous blogs, but because of Sadie, I have started a very serious journey of faith centered around Jesus Christ. I've been spending quite a bit of time reading, praying, relying on my feelings and intuition about what feels right - and as a result I do have faith in Jesus Christ. It may be small at this point, but it is there - and I'm curious to see where this road takes me in the future.
So while my new years resolution may have been written and forgotten about for a while, it's been interesting to look at it now and assess what I've been able to do and what now needs to be taken care of to make my life a little bit better. (And I partly posted it on here to make it more concrete in my mind that those things need to get taken care of.)

In other news, Thanksgiving was great. Scott and were able to take a few days off and head up to Des Moines to spend time with his family - and what a family they are. I've been told by nearly each one of them on separate occasions that I am part of the family. They make me feel completely welcome and I never feel like Scott and I being in a relationship is ever an issue. In fact, the reason I find it so amazing to be around them is that it's not an issue at all. I don't know if that makes sense at all, but it is what it is. We were able to relax, go shopping some, eat a lot, and put up some Christmas decorations. (And it was nice for me to have 3 days off in a row after the schedule I've had recently) We spent the majority of the time at his mom's house and spent the last afternoon at his dad's house, leaving back to Chicago soon after. It was great to spend some time with them and it'll be nice to head back here in a few weeks for Christmas.

And speaking of Christmas, Scott and I have officially decorated for the holidays. It took some rearranging and a good chunk of time, but we have our tree up and all the holiday decorations out. Here is a little picture of what it all looks like:


Today was filled with decorating, listening to classic Christmas music (which has to include the Carpenters, in my opinion) and spending some much needed quality time with Scott. All in all, a wonderful day off.

I also wanted to post a picture or two of the gingerbread castle that almost killed me.
This picture doesn't do much justice - it has over 1000 pounds of gingerbread on it. It's probably about 12 feet wide and roughly 9 feet high, all the windows are sugar (poured by hand), a train runs through the entire thing, and on the left side there is a giant teapot that pours chocolate into a big teacup. It took about 12 of us and 6 weeks to finish the entire thing (and do all of our regular responsibilities on top of it). Good times had by all.

Anyway, hope your holidays are off to a great start. I'll be in touch again soon.

Pre-Holiday Catch-up

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not, but I made a Christmas mix today. Scott made a mix last week and we both decided that to make our holiday season the best during the trips to Des Moines (and doing the normal festive things during the coming weeks) we'd need the ultimate mix. So his mix and mine will together make the ABSOLUTE best Christmas mix extravaganza ever. I've been listening to it today and it's gotten me thinking (more than usual). And for once, I actually had time to do nothing but sit, relax and enjoy.

I haven't had much time to do that lately. Work has been incredibly demanding of my time and energy - my boss, the executive pastry chef demands 150% at all times and calls you out, sometimes humiliatingly, if you aren't up to par. I've learned a many lessons over the past few months about what to do and how to do it right.
If any of what I just said sounds negative, I need to be clear and say that it is not. I've learned more in the past few months than I feel I did collectively in school and previous jobs. I only say that because my boss and the people I work with now not only teach me how to do things the best and most efficient way, but tell me why things work or react the way they do to create the desired effect. The knowledge I'm gaining is substantially more rounded and practical. I can only imagine how great it will be a few months down the road when I really have the hang of things and the various things I learned will not be new anymore, but second nature. I'm actually really looking forward to that. And something incredibly exciting is the fact that my 90 days are soon coming up which means that Scott and I will have health insurance and benefits just in time for the winter months. All in all, things are going incredibly well.

With that in mind, however, I have been working anywhere from 50-70+ hour weeks and I am simply exhausted. My days off usually tend to be a large case of catching up on things that absolutely need to get taken care of - bills, loads of laundry, cleaning, shopping, etc. (That whole being an adult thing - I'm not quite sure it's all that it's cracked up to be... but I guess I don't have much of a choice at this point. ) My work days usually end fairly late. Scott, who has an equally (sometimes more) demanding day with school and work, gets home around the same time. He and I throw dinner together and spend a couple hours together before it's time for bed.

Scott has been faced with a good deal of drama at school recently, but many of the major kinks have been resolved and things seem to be working out well now. He still works part-time at the Gap on Michigan Ave (with hopes of leaving soon) and also works for St. Matthews Church in Evanston as their section leader in the choir. I actually recently joined the choir, partly to be able to be a part of the choir during the holidays and partly to be able to spend more time with Scott. It's been going pretty well so far - I definitely feel out of my element but as long as I'm not asked to do more than the blending in I am currently doing, I think things will work out great. I love being able to sing though - I may not be the greatest by any means, but there have been some beautiful pieces we've already sung and it's just such a great way to... well, I can't think of a better word right now than feel. It's emotional and wonderful and I enjoy being able to do it on a weekly basis.

Family is doing well - as to be expected, life has (somewhat) gotten back to normal and life is hectic for all of us again. I don't talk to my siblings as often as I'd like though I usually get all the good stories from my mom, whom I talk with every week. I miss them a lot. I find myself reflecting on being with them over this summer frequently and I find that I think of Sadie repeatedly throughout the day. I'm still incredibly emotional about everything - especially with the holidays coming up. I'm getting a little bit of anxiety over the thought of spending Christmas away with things so different - to the point, I'm not really looking forward to the holidays. I love the music, I love the feelings that the holidays surface in everyone, I love the idea of being with Scott and being a part of his family during Thanksgiving and Christmas - but when I think of Christmas for me personally, I get a huge pit in my stomach. It's hard for me to think of my niece not being there, to have other family members who passed away this year not being around, to know that if I were home for the holidays that Scott wouldn't be there, to think how completely welcoming Scott's family is to me and know that, despite how incredibly close I am to my family, Scott will never get the same amount of love and support I've gotten from his family. My heart simply aches - moreso lately as the time gets closer to the holidays. So in the meantime, I get lost in work - learning all I can and developing myself more professionally - and take things a day at a time.

Well friends, I need to wrap this up - I have an early day tomorrow. I'll try to do better at this blog thing... who am I kidding? I always say that. Until next time.

Back home.

It's been nearly a week since I moved back to Chicago. I'm a little surprised how easily it was for me to be adjusted to living back in Chicago and getting accustomed to life here. It feels natural to wake up next to Scott, to have a whiny cat meowing at me for no reason, to walk to the train station to head downtown, to run along the trails near Lake Shore Boulevard and to bake random things in my kitchen. This truly feels like home. That being said, I find myself missing aspects of Utah - mainly things I did frequently, like random visits at family members houses, spending quality time with family and friends - but since I took advantage of those things while I was in Utah, I don't feel I missed out in any way. I have nothing but great memories to look back on - bittersweet in many aspects, but definitely great.

In regard to work, I had to take a drug test on Wednesday (I passed), had orientation on Friday, then started work on Saturday. I feel like it will take some getting used to - but that is the case with any job. I know how to do many of the tasks required of me, but knowing how it's supposed to be done specifically at the Marriott is the tricky thing. I'm sure I'll get the hang of things soon and am really excited to get to that point where I can work an entire day without asking what is expected of me or if there is something else I should be doing. Luckily, the crew I work with is incredibly helpful and so easy to get along with. I can tell there is a strong sense of trust and unity among them, which makes it all the more exciting to be involved in that type of environment. Overall though, I love it already. I imagine things will continue to get better as the days progress.

All in all, being back in Chicago is going very well. It is hard to be away from family and close friends, but knowing that I have their support - and given the fact that we all have phones, texting, e-mailing, etc. makes the distance seem, well... not so distant. I do find, however, that at random moments I miss Sadie terribly. Today Scott was playing Mika while he was making dinner and the song Any Other World came on. Unknown to nearly anyone, I played that song repeatedly before and after Sadie's passing - and haven't played it since. Hearing it today brought back the raw emotion and I wasn't ready for it. I feel bad in some aspect because Scott knew something was wrong, but I couldn't really express how it felt then and how it feels now. I feel like I'm walking around with a large wound that is healing incredibly slow and from time to time something hits me that makes me start to bleed again. And I find there's nothing I can do but let it bleed until it stops - and then I'll continue on.

With that in mind, and given the experience I had while in Utah, I really want to become actively involved with helping organizations associated with childhood cancers - I still need to do research to what type of organizations are out here in Chicago. When I look back on all the support, love and selflessness from the community during Sadie's battle, it makes me want to help in any way I can for other families facing similar situations.

All in all, I have very high expectations of myself here in Chicago - just because I was able to obtain my dream job doesn't mean the dreaming and reaching for goals will ever stop. I expect some great things to happen...

Moving back.

After weeks of interviewing, stressing, praying, thinking positively and attempting to distract myself, I found out last Friday afternoon that I got the pastry position at the Marriott in downtown Chicago. It is quite literally a dream come true.

Honestly, I felt very positively about the whole experience to the point that I initially gave Harmon's my notice without knowing for sure if I got the position at the Marriott. I don't know if you've read 'The Secret' or know much about the law of attraction, but I feel like I was thinking along those lines the entire time. At any rate, my last day was supposed to be last Saturday - but given the fact that I found out for sure that I got the position on Friday, I asked if I could stay at Harmon's another week. Gratefully, they obliged. Little did I know that this week would entail continual drama with scheduling, lack of proper management in the bakery, associates calling in sick, etc. to the point that I will be working everyday until my last day. Quite the way to spend my last week in Utah.

Today I finally buckled down to get things ready for the move. I've been packing things in boxes, making mix C.D.'s for the road trip, canceling memberships here in Utah and getting my car checked. I would like to see more of my family and friends, but it seems like life is going on as normal - busy, hectic lives. Me included. As much as I would love to see certain people, I'm almost sure it isn't going to happen. It is unfortunate because I don't really know at this point when I'll be back to Utah to visit. I know the holidays are incredibly busy for the hotel I'll be working for, which means being back here will more than likely be out of the question.

I imagine that I'll be back around this time again next year. For those of you who don't know, my dad passed away on August 1, 1987. Since then, our family has made it a point to be together on that day every year after - initially going to the grave site together and reminiscing. But as time has progressed and our lives become more involved with personal families, work and commitments, we tend to try to set that say aside to simply be together as a family. Such was the case this year. My mom, my siblings (and their families) and I got together at my sister Heather's house for a barbecue. We ended up talking, playing PIG (basketball), hanging out, catching up, looking at old pictures and simply spending quality time with each other. I think this year was definitely more emotional and impacted us more because of Sadie's recent passing - but I think that, in part, made the day (and our being together) more special. With that in mind, I imagine the tradition will continue and I will be in Utah on the first of August from here on out. So while Utah hasn't seen the last of me, it will more than likely be a while before I'm back.

I won't lie - moving back is bittersweet. Definitely very sweet to be with Scott, in my apartment, working at my dream job (... can't get much better than that actually...) but at the same time, the experiences I've had and the time I've spent here have deeply influenced me. Definitely things I can apply to my life in Chicago, but I suppose all aspects of life worth living for involve some sort of challenge. In this case, leaving my family after a time that brought us closer and our relationships deeper than I ever imagined, leaving friends who truly went beyond any definition of friendship I could've envisioned, and once again, leaving comfort and familiarity to try something new and challenging. At the same time, the support that I've received from my family and friends, while bittersweet for them as well, has given me a great deal of strength to not only pursue my dream but obtain it and become successful with it.

I'm excited to see where this road takes me...

Experiences Had, Lessons Learned

I logged in to my account tonight and I looked at the entries I started but never finished over the past few weeks - there have been about three entries that have never seen the light of day. One of them actually had no words - I remember that I had intentions to write, but all I ended up doing was staring at the screen. There was no way all the thoughts and emotions I felt could be put into words. More often than not, that has basically been what I've been experiencing over the past month. Here are some excerpts from the entries I never finished:

June 26, 2009:

Today I turned 26. Truly though, my birthday has been something that has been in the back of my mind all day with the recent passing of my niece. My mind keeps racing back to special memories of family events or little moments her and I shared together and I find myself having a hard time staying present.

A little over a week ago, I had dinner with a dear friend who asked me what my resolutions were going to be for my new year. I gave him a look that told him he needed to explain himself further, and he told me that he feels resolutions should happen on your birthday and that way you can plan to make your new year more personal and meaningful. I really liked the concept and intended to write my goals, resolutions and aspirations for my 26th year. I still intend on doing so...

But right now, my mind is on my niece, my sister and her beautiful family. It's been a heartbreaking couple of days to say the least. I think that we, as a family, have been expecting this to happen for a while, but while Sadie was nearing the end of her life, we found it hard to grasp that it was actually happening.

I called my mom after I had gotten off of work on Wednesday and asked how things were going and she said that things were getting more severe. I don't think it registered in my mind that this could actually be the end until I got home to change and I checked my nieces blog. The most recent update was simple and brief: Hospice came and said Sadie may have about 48 hours - probably less. So I showered, got dressed, drove to my sisters - staring blankly the entire time, trying my best to process what was actually happening.

I actually stopped the entry there. At the time, I couldn't go much further as I recalled details from the last 24 hours of Sadie's life. I didn't want to write about them then and truly, I didn't know how.

July 17, 2009:

I've thought about writing over the past few weeks and I just couldn't. Something in me seemed to be unable to express what I felt in words. So instead, I've spent the last few weeks dealing with my emotions in other ways - Running, just sitting and thinking, going on drives, allowing myself to cry - Everything still seems so surreal.

Details of the last 24 hours of Sadie's life keep drifting to the front of my mind consistently, as do random special memories - like the first time I was able to spend time with her after I got back from serving as a missionary. She was only a year and a half or so, but was definitely very cautious of strangers. So I sat in her room and tried playing and talking with her and it wasn't long before she was handing me her blocks to help build and soon even let me pick her up. I remember how light she felt and how proud of the fact that she was letting me hold her and she was alright with it. It's strange how vivid those details and emotions are in my mind - but I'm very appreciative of the fact that I've held onto that moment, as well as many others... It had helped me tremendously over the past few weeks.

There's a part of me that truly wishes I could talk about my experience of being able to be there with my entire family during Sadie's last night or how I felt the following morning after she had passed away - but words could never do justice to the emotion and experience felt. It was truly sacred. My mom compared it recently to trying to explain a brilliant sunset - You may be able to describe details, but the experience is truly felt... and how does one adequately describe that? Suffice to say, those last moments are among the memories that drift around my mind as I go throughout my day - undeniably bittersweet, yet extremely close to my heart.

Sadie's passing was actually the day before my birthday. That morning, my sister hugged me and told me that Sadie would've loved to have been able to run, play and have fun on my day - and I couldn't have imagined a greater gift than that.

That takes us to today. Here I am - a little over one month since Sadie's passing and somehow life has continued to move on. I've had a great deal of time to reflect on many things and the thought occurred to me soon after Sadie's death that she accomplished every single goal and was truly able to live a fulfilling productive life, regardless of how short it was. It is inspiring. With that in mind, I've actually looked at my own life and thought what I could do to truly fulfill my dreams and goals. In regard to my career, what I really want to do is to be a successful pastry chef for a solid, successful business - preferably a major hotel.
I know that I've written before about my experience that I've had with the Marriott in downtown Chicago (if you are feeling reminiscent, check out my posting of the drama that went down: http://nikpug.blogspot.com/2008/10/semi-update.html) Well, despite the fact that things turned out less than ideal last time, I still truly respect the executive pastry chef that works there and value her opinion. So I e-mailed her recently, caught her up a bit - explaining why I was in Utah and that I had intentions to move back to Chicago. I also expressed the fact that I am looking to start my career, not just settle for a job to make ends meet and that if she had any ideas or leads to any places downtown that would seem ideal for me, I would very much value anything she might suggest. She e-mailed me back and said that the Marriott would actually be hiring new people for the pastry department over the next few months and that we should keep in touch. Last week, I noticed that a position opened online and I applied for it - considering the way things turned out last time, I was incredibly timid about the personality test but Cheryl (the executive pastry chef) e-mailed me and let me know that I had passed the personality assessment. Gratefully, that pushed me into the next round of candidates and from what I hear, interviews were this past week so a decision will be made fairly soon. Truly, this job is ideal. It is my dream job. I don't want to seem overly confident about this opportunity because I don't truly know if I'll get it or not, but I feel really good about it. It's funny looking back on that experience that I had with the Marriott before and how it seemed so ideal but it just didn't work out. I have no doubt now that it didn't work out because I was meant to be here in Utah with family during Sadie's last few months - and truly there is no other place I would've rather have been. But it seems as though the perfect opportunity I thought I had before is presenting itself again. It's humbling and incredibly exciting.

Another thing that I found remarkable about Sadie was her faith in Jesus Christ. I initially thought that her belief in Christ was a direct reflection of what T and Zac had taught her - and to a point, I'm sure that is true. How else do young children develop a belief system or acquire faith? But during her last year on this earth, that faith was much more than a belief. It was knowledge. I remember reading her blog and seeing the pictures that she had drawn (http://sadiehuish.blogspot.com/2009/06/faith-and-testimony-of-miss-sadie.html) and thinking "How is that possible? How can a child draw those types of pictures?" And I have no doubt that she knew. So, while I have always been someone who is deeply spiritual, I never had faith in Jesus Christ. But to make a very long explanation of what I am going through short, I trust my niece completely. Because of her knowledge of Jesus Christ, I have recently began a Christ-centered spiritual journey. This journey isn't religion specific - in fact, I've been asking many people from many faiths over the past few weeks about their suggestions of what I should read or what ideas they might have. I guess for the longest time I've been so cynical about the life of Jesus Christ - it seemed to be so mythological and unrealistic to me. And the idea of one man not only knowing every single person on a very personal level, but suffering and dying for each of us seemed a bit too much. But oddly, it doesn't seem so now. Like I said, I trust Sadie. I don't know if my faith will ever evolve into knowledge - but I very comfortable with taking this journey slow and really learning all I can about the life of Jesus Christ. I imagine it will be a very rewarding experience.

So that is where I'm at right now. I still find myself sad occasionally, but I've learned so much from Sadie and her life and I am really trying to apply those things to my life. It's been great to have been able to be here in Utah to have spent quality time with Sadie while she was still healthy enough to be active. It was necessary for me to be with family during those moments before and after Sadie's passing. It's been incredibly beneficial to have close friends and family around to spend time with. I have absolutely no regrets about being here.

I've heard that a person needs to know where they came from before they can know where they are going. Throughout my life, I've been so consumed by whatever chapter in my life I am currently involved in that I don't factor in my previous experience. But these past few months have seemed to merge every aspect of my life into one moment - now. Who I am is a result of every experience I've had and I feel ready to continue on with my life embracing that.

A life lesson

The desire to express my emotion through writing comes at the strangest moments - when I'm driving to work, while I'm running - usually never when I'm sitting in my room with nothing pressing to take care of. As luck would have it, I am in my room tonight with nothing pressing to take care of and I felt the need to write. I am jumping at the chance.

My last entry was a couple of weeks ago in anticipation for my visit back to Chicago to see Scott for his birthday. It was an amazing trip - it was so great to be with Scott, simply being together doing the everyday things we would normally do. I had a tremendously hard time coming back - in the last few hours we were together (and hours preceding), tears fell consistently and I wondered what might happen if I 'accidentally' missed my plane.

Well, the weeks since that trip have been short, but the tears have continued to fall for different reasons. If you are reading my blog, I can almost certainly wager you have been visiting my sisters blog as well. It is heartbreaking to read her words and to know what she and that beautiful family are going through. I tend to read her entries and feel like this experience is a gut-wrenching story that has no connection to me whatsoever. Like it's simply one of those Lifetime stories you allow yourself to cry with while you watch it and then the T.V. turns off afterward and you move on. But the truth of the matter is that this is my niece who is dying and this is my sister who is facing a situation no parent should ever have to face.

I've been trying to go over there when I can to at least help out with Olivia and Sam so that T and Zac can focus more attention on Sadie and her needs. The one thing I can say about ours and Zacs family that I truly admire is that no matter how much Sadie's condition regresses, our family adapts to those changes and works through them - still knowing that Sadie is just as intelligent and gifted as always. The same goes for Sadie - no matter what physical challenges she faces, she still smiles and laughs and meets those challenges head on. It is inspiring.

Recently, I've been talking to my friend Caitlin what I've been feeling and I told her how work, while draining me physically, has been a perfect distraction from the situation my family is facing and me being away from Scott. She replied by telling me Harmon's is a big building called Denial. I laughed - but agreed. Since then however, I've noticed a parallel between the lives of those around me lately at work. Here are a few examples of situations that my co-workers have faced recently:
Surgery to remove prostate cancer; the death of a father to Alzheimers Disease; the death of a boyfriend, whom my co-worker had been dating for over a year; the death of a brother-in-law to colon cancer. And while all of these situations are completely horrible, they have all learned from these situations and have shared their wisdom to me - whether they realize it or not. Mainly, to truly live life while you have it; to take time to own your emotions, no matter what it is; to love those you care about unconditionally while you have them in your lives; and to remember the achievements of ones life, not focus on their death. I know that just looking at these people on the surface, you'd never have imagined these challenges they've faced - But they are making it through. And as much as I can't comprehend what the next few weeks may hold, I hope I'm able to follow the examples of those people during this difficult time.

Going home.

I'm going to be flying back to Chicago tomorrow for an extended weekend in honor of Scott's 25th birthday... I should be asleep considering the day I've had, but I am too excited. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that it feels like being a kid on Christmas Eve with the anticipation of what the next day is going to bring. Scott and I have been talking everyday since I moved back to Utah and while I still feel he knows everything about what's going on in my life than anyone else, I can't wait to be able to spend these few days being face to face with him. We won't need to say much of anything because we don't need to catch up at all - just being together will be enough.

This little vacation back home to Chicago couldn't have come at a more perfect time - work, while such a tremendous blessing to have, is literally wearing me thin. Since I started working with Harmon's, I've been averaging about 55+ (very physical) hours a week. This week would've been even more intense considering I only worked three days and clocked out today with almost 38 hours. There is just always something more that needs to be done... once I think I have things pretty well under control, I find that there are a least a few other things that need taken care of. And because I have the experience to do those things, they tend to fall directly on my shoulders. There, my friends, lies the blessing and curse of going above mediocrity on a daily basis.

And that is the surface.

Underneath the exterior, work has been a incredibly wonderful distraction from being away from Scott and to not get my mind distracted how Sadie is doing. I won't lie, I worry. A lot. My mom somehow instilled that in me and I haven't been able to shake it. So I've found that working as much as I have has not only given me more financial security (which means less stress in one area of my life. Woot.) but forces me to prioritize my time and energy effectively to avoid those lulls in my life where I sit dormant. When I work this much, I tend to take advantage of the time I have free to spend time with my family or to be at the gym or take care of those odds and ends that get left behind.

I think today was the final drop that made the glass overflow - my fatigue caught up with me. It's the type of feeling where you want to go home, spend an evening on the couch watching a movie with your love. And that is exactly what I intend on doing. (Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get a massage or something.)



I realized recently that I tend to be incredibly personal on this blog. If you're reading this, I hope you don't mind that I am. But truth be told, I never write with the intention that anyone will ever read it (except myself when I'm feeling reflective) - so I'm always somewhat taken aback when someone asks me about something I wrote in this blog. I don't know - there's a sense of freedom in expressing words to the world that you never know someone may hear.

Brigitte

I don't mean to continue to mention death in my posts, but this entry deals primarily with my mom and why she is a constant source of strength in my life.

I was talking to my mom today and she was telling me about the day my father had passed away. She mentioned it was near the end of the day and that all of us kids were over at a friends house. My father's body had been just taken away, friends and family were leaving the house and she was left sitting on the front porch. The sun was setting and while she was sitting there, she could hear cars honking and driving by - the sounds of life moving on all around her. She told me tonight that while she was sitting there, she just wanted to scream 'STOP' to the world - just for a minute... because at that minute, her life had stopped. She then told me that that was the moment she knew she was going to make it... and from then on, she took it minute by minute - until she could take it hour by hour, day by day, then month by month.

My mom went on to raise four children, go back to school for nursing, work full-time - and still find time to make sure that we kids never went without. Looking back on my life, I realize that I never doubted how much my mom loved me and cared for me - and from that strength, determination, and love she helped mold me into the person I am today. In honor of my incredible mom, and to all the amazing selfless mothers out there, I wish a very Happy Mother's Day.

Dad and Death

The other day when I was leaving the gym, I decided to go visit my dad's grave. It's placed in a large cemetery off of Redwood Road and where my dad is buried has an incredible view of the mountains and the Salt Lake Valley. I've been there a few times since I've been back and I can't help but feel a mixture of emotion every time I go there. For those who don't know, my dad passed away after a battle with cancer when I was 4 years old - so some of my earliest memories are of visiting my dad at the cemetery. As I got older, I think part of me resented the fact that the only personal relationship I ever really had with my father was starting down at his bronze weather-worn grave marker. And for a while, I didn't go. I feel for many people, they avoid cemeteries because of negative emotions or because they don't feel the spirit of the person is still there. I think for me both of those reasons were definitely the case - I resented that place.

So it's been interesting for me to be back recently to visit his grave. I feel I've grown tremendously spiritually over the years and while I do feel close to my father spiritually, I've grown to enjoy visiting him. It may seem strange for people who haven't lost a close loved one, but I'm unashamed to say that when I go there, I will sit on the grass, clean the grave marker up a bit and talk to him about everything that is going on my life.

It was peculiar to me this last time I visited him though. I noticed from a distance that a mother was walking around the cemetery with her two children. They didn't seem sad and didn't seem to be looking for any specific grave site - they were just walking around looking at different ones. I heard one of the younger kids call out that he saw a grave site for a baby - and it made me remember when I was younger, walking around the different graves, trying to do the math in my head of how old someone was when they had passed away. Or when my family and I would go to visit my dad's grave and see an area that had just been relayered with sawd because someone had just been buried there - and show our respect by walking around it and not over it. Or when my family would bring flowers to my dad's grave and just sit and talk to each other, strengthening our relationships with each other. And I guess that's when it hit me that the idea of death has been something I had learned to accept at a very young age - And it made me wonder if these kids at the cemetery were in the process of learning it too. It was beautiful that day - sunny, warm breeze, lovely view of the valley - it made me realize that death and learning to accept it can actually be quite beautiful as well.

bittersweet

I should be in bed. I have work in the morning and I'm pretty tired from my shift today.

That's the recipe for a blog session, folks. My mind is busy with ideas, expectations, plans and goals and there is no way I can sleep without getting at least some of it out. Those who visit my blog occasionally may think I haven't written in a while. Truth of the matter is, I've written a few blogs over the past few weeks, but I post them at night and remove them in the morning. It's essentially been the same thing as writing a letter to someone you'd really love to tell off and then just burning the letter instead of mailing it. The words I wrote were useless negativity pointed toward the idea of being here and not knowing why. Writing is therapeutic (and sometimes an escape) for me and I got rid of those emotions by writing what I truly felt. But re-reading those postings in the morning, I'd realize I didn't want anyone to see it. You understand, right?

At any case, I am doing very well now. After 3 1/2 long weeks of waiting to hear back from my interview, I was offered an assistant bakery manager position at the Harmon's in West Jordan. The hours are random, the pay is good (with strong possibilities of overtime) and the crew I work with is mature and great to be around. I couldn't ask for better at this point. Now I can focus on filling the financial hole I dug myself into from the economy back in Chicago, continuing to be with my family and friends at every chance I get and when I have time, count down the days until I go back to see Scott again. (31 days or so, by the way...)

What have I been up these past few weeks, you may ask? Lunch with my grandpa and aunts, dinners at my moms, spending quality time with my sister and her family one day and my other sister and her family the next, working out more than I ever expected myself to, clubbing with friends, getting drunk with friends, brunch with friends, lunch with friends, watching some new releases in the movie theaters and hating every single one of them, reading, laughing until I can't breathe with my brother and his family, going on random drives, watching the sunrise at my dads grave, learning Italian, sleeping, dreaming, writing, dancing, baking, missing Scott, running, playing Wii and actually getting decent at it, watching the entire series (up to this point) of Brothers and Sisters, attending mass, getting my cards read by a psychic, contemplating, meditating, praying, staring blankly and then snapping out of it only to wonder how long I was actually staring blankly...

It's been a busy couple of weeks. And while I've had such a great experience here so far, I still miss my home in Chicago everyday - I miss seeing Scotts facial expressions daily (especially when he's trying to be mad, but I can see a slight smirk on his face), I miss sex and the connection I felt with him, I miss knowing he's just in the other room looking at opera on youtube, I miss entertaining guests in our home, I miss my cats and how they meow for no reason, I miss experiementing with recipes in my kitchen...

So while I feel I'm where I'm supposed to be, it's completely bittersweet. And not in a delicious chocolately sort of way. (Well, maybe in that sort of way.)

Probably just time for bed...

It's been a few days since I've written last. I'm getting a little anxious from waiting to hear back from Harmon's about the bakery management position and am still deciding if I'm considering it a lost cause. At any rate, I have just opened a bottle of delicious French red wine and am sipping it slowly as I think of what I want to say, what I plan for my immediate future and why the hell I am even in Utah.
Not to say that I haven't enjoyed being in Utah immensely so far - I've reconnected with some of my closest friends and have been able to spend some quality time with family members (not counting those of whom have been touched with the flu). I see random coincidences on a daily basis that reconfirm that I'm where I should be--- Take for instance the way I was trying to kill some time by running to Barnes and Noble to get an Italian dictionary for my language studying and the man ringing my purchase up ended up being my dad's cousin. Or the way that my computer crashed and one of my best friends (who I was planning on hanging out with that night anyway) ended up being a computer whiz (unknown to me until that point) and saved me hundreds of dollars by installing new programs and new memory in my computer for free. It's been too bizarre. I think I've needed those moments because I find myself waking up on a daily basis without Scott next to me and without the sounds of my needy cats outside the bedroom door and my heart sinks a little bit as I wonder 'why?'.
It's no surprise to anyone that I've been missing Scott terribly. I don't know where I thought it in my mind that I felt I was being overbearing with contacting Scott through calls, texts or messages on facebook, so I worried that I should be giving him space. That created a bit of a conflict because it ended up that Scott and I missed each others calls and didn't end up talking for 2 days. Scott was understandably upset and I felt like a jackass because I created drama in my mind that didn't even exist. Today we talked for a while about everything and came to an understanding about communication and our expectations. It's rough for us because we have never been in a relationship with anyone as long as we have been with each other and we've never had positive experiences with long distance relationships. So this is new territory and we are learning as we go along. That being said, I feel confident in our relationship and I think if anyone can make this type of situation work, it's us. I love that man so much. I don't know what he did to me, but I am completely head over heels. I'm glad in a way that we had this conflict so early into this long distance period so we were able to learn how to continue to improve our relationship and keep the deep connection we shared when we were living together. Still, I can't wait to see his face again.
At any rate, I'm very pleased to report that my niece is doing very well - so well in fact, that she constantly puts me to shame on Nintendo Wii and laughs when I lose miserably. I won't lie when I tell you all that I lost sleep at night my last week in Chicago, worrying that I wouldn't make it back in time to see her again. My siblings and mom told me in a very loving way to hurry the hell up because time was short. While it is true that Sadie is not the same girl I saw at Christmas, she is still so full of life, love and creativity. Some of the projects that she creates, the pictures she draws, and the fact that she loves so deeply that she cries out of pure happiness makes me feel so overwhelmingly blessed to be a part of her life. I am so happy that I've been able to spend time with her and my family over this time I've been back.

And that is basically my life up to this point. As for right now, I've taken a break from sipping wine and have resorted to simply swirling it in the glass as I watch the cursor blink in a timely rhythm. I'm not even tipsy from the wine and I've already let my mind fade gently into a blissful lack of concern for any problems I'm facing. Maybe that's a good indicator I've said all I've needed to say. Or perhaps that problems I feel I'm facing aren't worth worrying about. Or perhaps it's just time for bed.

this is the place?

Long story short, I am back in Utah. Scott, myself, and Proud Mary (my Dodge Neon) trekked 1,500 miles from Chicago to Utah over the span of 2 days. We started driving on Sunday, taking a break in Des Moines at Scott's moms and continued the journey on Monday. I won't lie - when entering Salt Lake City after being in Chicago, I couldn't help but feel a little down. I forgot how brown, dry and small Salt Lake City actually is... not to say that Salt Lake City can't be lovely, but this time of year just isn't. And it definitely made me second guess my choice in coming here.

Over this past week, I was able to spend time with nearly all my siblings and mom, play with my nieces and nephews (and I've been graciously blessed with arts and crafts from each of them), revisit some great friends and spend quality time with Scott before he headed back to Chicago. I also had an interview with Harmon's Grocery as a bakery manager - a step up from the position I had when I worked with the company before. The interview went well and I'm still waiting to hear back - hopefully it works out... it'd be such a great opportunity in so many ways.

Intentionally, I'm glazing over the details of this past week. It's been very emotional for me to say goodbye to my life in Chicago (if even for a short while), to see my family again and to be able to spend time with Sadie, having to say goodbye to Scott now knowing exactly when I'll see him again --- I've cried a lot over these past few days... to the point I'm a little tired and could sleep for a long time. But I won't - I'm truly intrigued by the idea of my being here. I still don't know why I am here or what exactly the purpose is, but I'm excited to find out.

Anyway, it may be a while before I write again - I'm going to be moving in tomorrow with a very dear friend and her family and I'm not sure when I'll be able to get the chance to update. I forget how involved setting up a new chapter in your life is...

phoenix

I've been slowly getting things together for the move in a few days - trying to know what exactly I need to bring for however long I might be gone. I'm beginning to realize that beside clothes and a few items, I really don't need much. (Of course, I say that now and I'll probably end up with a Dodge Neon full of random things.)
At any rate, I was thinking how incredibly difficult it was for me emotionally to leave Utah and move to Chicago. My family was at a point where we weren't sure what was happening with Sadie and the idea of planning a move across the country during this time seemed incomprehensible. I feared throughout the months prior to the move that something might happen to Sadie while Scott and I were driving to Chicago or that something may happen in the first few weeks I was there. Gratefully, that didn't happen and it was around that time when Sadie was able to do many wonderful things.
The interesting thing I've noticed since moving out here to Chicago is the connection I've felt to my family. I like to think I took advantage of most opportunities to be with my family while I was living in Utah, but there has been an increased spiritual connection while I've been away. (I really can't explain it - perhaps other people who have lived away from home know what I'm talking about.) Also, people who really know me know that I rely heavily on spiritual feelings and impressions anyway, but that has been dramatically increased while being here in Chicago. One thing I've noticed is that I've been having dreams more frequently - very poignant and vivid - to the point that I've been recording them and trying to understand them more fully. There is one in particular that is so close to my heart that I can't usually think long about without getting emotional and I woke up this morning with the feeling to share it. With the idea of Sadie and of time being so precious for my family, I felt it appropriate:

"Jan. 27, 2009-
As the dream began, I remember a small boy with a large bunch of beautiful red balloons. The dream progressed with some random storyline that I can’t quite recall - but every now and then there would be that boy with the balloons. It seemed though that every time I saw him throughout the dream, there were less balloons. At the end of the dream, I was at a stadium of some sort and noticed that the boy was there and only had 3 balloons left. For some reason, he accidentally let go of the remaining balloons and they started to glide through the air. They weren’t just floating up. There was a huge crowd of people at the stadium and it seemed that everyone was just struck by this scene of these beautiful balloons just gliding a few feet above the crowd. One by one, the balloons popped by a few people trying to get rid of them and only one was left. I remember being so outraged that out of all those balloons only one could be left and I was shouting at people trying to make them stop and to just let the balloon do it’s thing. It was so beautiful as it just glided and it seemed that most all of us were just hypnotized by it. The final balloon ended up popping, but as the remnants of the balloon slowly fell down, it slowly changed into a bird - one I recognized in my dream as a phoenix. I don’t think words could describe how breath-taking it was - it looked young and full of life. And instead of the typical idea of what the mythological bird looks like, this bird was similar to pale pink in color, but so vibrant and amazing to look at. As odd as it sounds, it’s a color I know I’ve never seen awake but recognized it instantly when I saw it. Another detail was its eyes - they seemed very defined and confident, yet peaceful. It landed near the crowd and just stood there majestically. As we all stood there, speechless and in awe, another phoenix landed next to the first. At this time, I became a overcome by emotion in the dream and I started to sob uncontrollably because the sight of all this was so beautiful. As I was crying in my dream, I realized that I was dreaming - and as I was waking up, I still couldn’t hold in the emotion and I woke up sobbing."

I know in my heart the meaning behind this dream, but feel the description of it will wait for now. But since this may be the last post I make before I head back to Utah, I ask for your prayers for Sadie and for the Huish family during this time. (And maybe if you have a moment, some prayers for my poor Dodge Neon to make the trip back to Utah.) :)

A little story

It's time for a little story. It's a stunning tale about a young man who had recently moved to a big city with the person he loves beyond words. Times were difficult, but somehow they made it work and life was surprisingly happy through it all. One day, the young man felt a strong desire to go back to the land from which he came from - and he wasn't sure why. So pushing feelings aside, he continued to work whenever he could and lived life the best he knew how. Not too far after, he had a feeling to return to the land from which he came from again. He, being a person who relied heavily on what he felt in his heart, recognized the feeling again and took it more seriously. Despite his recent move to a big city with the person he loved so much, he made preparations to move back to the land where he came from - not knowing exactly why, but feeling strongly that it was right.

Is it an interesting story? I'm trying to see if the situation I'm currently facing makes more sense when I look at it in this light. The story I just explained is something I've been facing over the last month or so. But let me tell you a little bit more.

Truth be told, times are hard. Work at the hotel is sporadic and I've been filling my time with cleaning the apartment, running, reading and baking. Scott has been busy with school and aside from this past weekend where we had the pleasure of entertaining guests at our home, we rarely see each other outside of the evenings when he comes home from school. So when the initial idea of heading home came to my mind, I felt it was more of an escapist idea. It seemed too convenient to go back to Utah where I was making more money, where I was completely comfortable with life, and where I was around family (especially given the time frame with Sadie and her battle with cancer) - so I pushed it out of my mind. Why? Because I feel at home here in Chicago. Scott and I have started our lives from scratch here and while it is difficult, I'm happy with where we are and how we've grown just in the few months we've been here. It's really something quite beautiful and I didn't feel any quick desire to abandon that. So I pushed the feelings to go back to Utah aside. It didn't seem logical.

With my time off of work, I've been trying to develop myself spiritually. I've felt that it is something that I've been lacking lately, so I had been researching and studying scripture, meditating and praying, trying to develop a greater relationship with God, trying to understand chakras further, trying to be more in tune to my higher self, and I've even been reading quite a bit on animal guides and Shamanism. So with that in mind, when the feeling to go back to Utah came again a few weeks later, I listened to it more thoroughly. I began to think about stories in the Bible where God was calling various people and how they either listened right away or if it took a few different calls for them to take notice. I wondered if this could be similar. It posed the question - If God called on me would I recognize it? Truth be told, it scared me to think of heading back to Utah. When I sat down and really thought about it, I didn't want to. I didn't want to leave Scott behind with the life we had created here in Chicago.

So I called a dear friend who I relate to in many different ways - one of which is spiritually. She asked me questions trying to dive further into what the reasoning might be for going back to Utah, offered suggestions, words of encouragement and told me to meditate about it. So I did and felt very strongly that it is something I should do. I think the most interesting thing about all this is how incredibly understanding everyone had been about this. Scott is completely supportive (despite the fact that I don't know how long I'll be there) and is planning on helping me drive across the country back to Utah. My brother and his beautiful wife and family have offered a place for me to stay while I'm there and my work here in Chicago expressed their support for me to do what I need to do and guarantees me a job there again when I return. I think the fact that the support for me in this execution of the moving back to Utah is a sign in itself that it's what I should be doing.

So despite that plans are set to go (I should be back in Utah by March 16), I still feel a deep pit in my stomach at the thought of leaving Scott for an extended period of time. It's been such a great experience to be in a city on our own and to grow together. I really feel that our relationship has been strengthened tremendously by our choice to move here to Chicago and the idea of leaving, even for just a little while, is so hard to think about. So while I realize that we still have two weeks together before I leave, I've found that little kisses when he gets home or sleeping next to him at night mean so much more.

Also, those who know me and my family well may realize that yesterday was the year mark of Sadie's diagnosis - I strongly urge you to check out the entry my sister did on Sadie's blog (link on the side). Her strength is so amazing that it brings me to tears. As for me and my words, I have nothing profound to say. I only know that seeing my niece defy odds and to see her live her life with purpose despite her struggles gives me such strength and faith. Not only her, but to see my sister, someone whom I have always looked up to in so many different ways, battle this situation with such courage, strength and love is inspiring. They have taught me to live life more fully and to not take any moment, no matter how large or small, for granted.

So, that is my story for now. A work in progress, if you will...

Mid-February Ramble

As I'm beginning this, I'm realizing that I don't have much to say... I just feel like I need to write. So here I am. (That is the only warning you guys are going to get... if I end up on some tangent and type out senseless babble for the next little while, consider yourself warned.)

Things are going well here in Chicago. This week was good for work - I ended up getting a few shifts (lately, I've been averaging about 2-3 shifts per week). When the dramatic decline in work shifts began, I was so upset - but now I am just grateful to have a job and to have any shifts at all. There were a few lay-offs at work and in my field, open positions are scarce. That being said, I've been keeping my eye out for positions elsewhere - either for a part-time job or full-time if they can guarantee hours. Gratefully, I got a call back this past week for a position in the bakery of Treasure Island (a upscale grocery store here - although I keep thinking Vegas whenever I say the name). I'll be calling them this coming week to set up an interview and hopefully start soon so I can have a more steady income coming in. Time's are hard, but you do what you gotta do, right? I feel like things are going to work out great though - I figure it's just a matter of time.

I know this may sound a bit strange, but I feel like this whole gap in my work schedule and all this down time is meant to be for my benefit. I don't think I've ever had this much time to be so reflective on life, my ideas, my plans, my beliefs. And, here's the interesting part, I feel like I have something to learn - but I'm not sure what quite yet. Yes, money is tight - and I imagine it will be substantially tighter as the lack of shifts at the Westin progress, but so far, it's worked out. So, we'll see...

Family in Utah is doing great as far as I can tell - I get random updates from my mom throughout the week. She is hilarious - she knows all of my siblings business (and my own, of course) and then takes it upon herself to update everyone of the kids of the others business. That may be the case for most families, but it never ceases to crack me up. It's to the point that whenever I talk to my brother or sisters, we can pick up our conversation without doing catching up.
Side Story: For Valentines Day, I wanted to get Scott flowers, but flowers die and Scott is more horticultural than most people I know - so I figured we should get a plant for the apartment. We ended up going to Lowe's to do our plant searching and it was the exact same layout as the one in Utah that Scott and I would go to when we lived downtown. I guess we were in there for a while because when we went outside again, I expected the large Wal-mart on 1300 South to be across the street. When it finally clicked that I was in Chicago, I felt like I'd been sucker punched with homesickness. Moments like that don't happen very often so it took me a bit off guard (and I was fine soon after), but there are still moments I miss being in Salt Lake City - the closeness to family, the familiarity, etc.
So - circling back around, I appreciate my dear mom. She keeps me so up-to-date with how everything is, I almost feel like I'm there. I don't talk much to my siblings - my sister is a mother of 6; my other sister is a mother of 3 and has extra demands with Sadie's condition; and my brother and his wife both work full-time and raise 2 kids - so their lives are all incredibly busy. But I miss them all terribly. I can't say that I'd see them any more than I do now if I was back in Utah with how hectic our lives can all be, but the emotion is still there.

Anyway, yesterday was Valentines Day - and I'll admit, I've always been one of those people who despise the day. If not for anything else, for the blatant commercialism and the expectation that you need to buy things for the one you love to prove you love them. That being said, I think Scott and I went a little overboard this year with Valentines - he gave me some great gifts, including a new Walkman MP3 player - I gave him some gifts, we made breakfast together, I met him downtown after his shift with a rose (so everyone would know that the hot guy working at the Gap is taken...), he made some delicious alfredo with scallops, I made a red-velvet cake with cinnamon buttercream frosting and we watched a romantic gay comedy (naturally). So - while I had never been a fan of Valentines before, I have been converted to the idea that a day of love is worth indulging in. Especially when I have someone who, after two years, still makes me smile for no reason at all and my heart jump.

To close, I wanted to share a few pictures from a couple runs I did around the city. Lately, I've discovered the thrill of running in cold weather. It sounds so strange, but it is so exhilarating to run in snow and be motivated by nothing else but the fact you need to move or freeze. So, that being said, these pictures were taken from my camera phone and are from two different runs and two different areas along the coast of Lake Michigan.

Really.

Dear Shitty Economy,

As much as I love all the time off that my work has been forced to give me because of you, I really enjoy working and making money. I'm not going to point any fingers or blame anyone or anything, Economy, for the reason you are so damn shitty, but it's time to turn things around.

With love,

Nik

Third Person

I'm in the process of cleaning off my desk and I came across a paper I wrote a few months ago on a random whim describing myself in third person. At the time, I thought "People tend to write about their own lives all the time, but what if someone wrote about my life? I wonder what they'd say?" So - Instead of being my humble self, I wrote what I honestly felt and tried not to edit myself. It's a very short (and very rough) draft, but I thought it'd be fun to share... and extend a challenge to anyone who reads this to try it. It's interesting what you come up with.

"Long slender fingers showing wear of a working man with a feminine touch. He could accomplish miracles with those hands - not on a large scale, but more everyday ones that most take for granted. And he never did take it for granted. His skill was an art and he considered it a gift from a higher source - and he was determined to make the most of it.
He used to doubt himself in the most peculiar way. He considered accomplishments were chance and never allowed himself to be happy. In fact, he denied it, thinking somehow a lack of joy would compensate in the end. Because it was what he once believed. No - because it was what he once was told to believe.
He tends to ponder at great lengths how the minds of humanity must work - and seeks to justify in his own mind why people think and act the way they do. He may never fully understand, but constantly aims to try."