Experiences Had, Lessons Learned

I logged in to my account tonight and I looked at the entries I started but never finished over the past few weeks - there have been about three entries that have never seen the light of day. One of them actually had no words - I remember that I had intentions to write, but all I ended up doing was staring at the screen. There was no way all the thoughts and emotions I felt could be put into words. More often than not, that has basically been what I've been experiencing over the past month. Here are some excerpts from the entries I never finished:

June 26, 2009:

Today I turned 26. Truly though, my birthday has been something that has been in the back of my mind all day with the recent passing of my niece. My mind keeps racing back to special memories of family events or little moments her and I shared together and I find myself having a hard time staying present.

A little over a week ago, I had dinner with a dear friend who asked me what my resolutions were going to be for my new year. I gave him a look that told him he needed to explain himself further, and he told me that he feels resolutions should happen on your birthday and that way you can plan to make your new year more personal and meaningful. I really liked the concept and intended to write my goals, resolutions and aspirations for my 26th year. I still intend on doing so...

But right now, my mind is on my niece, my sister and her beautiful family. It's been a heartbreaking couple of days to say the least. I think that we, as a family, have been expecting this to happen for a while, but while Sadie was nearing the end of her life, we found it hard to grasp that it was actually happening.

I called my mom after I had gotten off of work on Wednesday and asked how things were going and she said that things were getting more severe. I don't think it registered in my mind that this could actually be the end until I got home to change and I checked my nieces blog. The most recent update was simple and brief: Hospice came and said Sadie may have about 48 hours - probably less. So I showered, got dressed, drove to my sisters - staring blankly the entire time, trying my best to process what was actually happening.

I actually stopped the entry there. At the time, I couldn't go much further as I recalled details from the last 24 hours of Sadie's life. I didn't want to write about them then and truly, I didn't know how.

July 17, 2009:

I've thought about writing over the past few weeks and I just couldn't. Something in me seemed to be unable to express what I felt in words. So instead, I've spent the last few weeks dealing with my emotions in other ways - Running, just sitting and thinking, going on drives, allowing myself to cry - Everything still seems so surreal.

Details of the last 24 hours of Sadie's life keep drifting to the front of my mind consistently, as do random special memories - like the first time I was able to spend time with her after I got back from serving as a missionary. She was only a year and a half or so, but was definitely very cautious of strangers. So I sat in her room and tried playing and talking with her and it wasn't long before she was handing me her blocks to help build and soon even let me pick her up. I remember how light she felt and how proud of the fact that she was letting me hold her and she was alright with it. It's strange how vivid those details and emotions are in my mind - but I'm very appreciative of the fact that I've held onto that moment, as well as many others... It had helped me tremendously over the past few weeks.

There's a part of me that truly wishes I could talk about my experience of being able to be there with my entire family during Sadie's last night or how I felt the following morning after she had passed away - but words could never do justice to the emotion and experience felt. It was truly sacred. My mom compared it recently to trying to explain a brilliant sunset - You may be able to describe details, but the experience is truly felt... and how does one adequately describe that? Suffice to say, those last moments are among the memories that drift around my mind as I go throughout my day - undeniably bittersweet, yet extremely close to my heart.

Sadie's passing was actually the day before my birthday. That morning, my sister hugged me and told me that Sadie would've loved to have been able to run, play and have fun on my day - and I couldn't have imagined a greater gift than that.

That takes us to today. Here I am - a little over one month since Sadie's passing and somehow life has continued to move on. I've had a great deal of time to reflect on many things and the thought occurred to me soon after Sadie's death that she accomplished every single goal and was truly able to live a fulfilling productive life, regardless of how short it was. It is inspiring. With that in mind, I've actually looked at my own life and thought what I could do to truly fulfill my dreams and goals. In regard to my career, what I really want to do is to be a successful pastry chef for a solid, successful business - preferably a major hotel.
I know that I've written before about my experience that I've had with the Marriott in downtown Chicago (if you are feeling reminiscent, check out my posting of the drama that went down: http://nikpug.blogspot.com/2008/10/semi-update.html) Well, despite the fact that things turned out less than ideal last time, I still truly respect the executive pastry chef that works there and value her opinion. So I e-mailed her recently, caught her up a bit - explaining why I was in Utah and that I had intentions to move back to Chicago. I also expressed the fact that I am looking to start my career, not just settle for a job to make ends meet and that if she had any ideas or leads to any places downtown that would seem ideal for me, I would very much value anything she might suggest. She e-mailed me back and said that the Marriott would actually be hiring new people for the pastry department over the next few months and that we should keep in touch. Last week, I noticed that a position opened online and I applied for it - considering the way things turned out last time, I was incredibly timid about the personality test but Cheryl (the executive pastry chef) e-mailed me and let me know that I had passed the personality assessment. Gratefully, that pushed me into the next round of candidates and from what I hear, interviews were this past week so a decision will be made fairly soon. Truly, this job is ideal. It is my dream job. I don't want to seem overly confident about this opportunity because I don't truly know if I'll get it or not, but I feel really good about it. It's funny looking back on that experience that I had with the Marriott before and how it seemed so ideal but it just didn't work out. I have no doubt now that it didn't work out because I was meant to be here in Utah with family during Sadie's last few months - and truly there is no other place I would've rather have been. But it seems as though the perfect opportunity I thought I had before is presenting itself again. It's humbling and incredibly exciting.

Another thing that I found remarkable about Sadie was her faith in Jesus Christ. I initially thought that her belief in Christ was a direct reflection of what T and Zac had taught her - and to a point, I'm sure that is true. How else do young children develop a belief system or acquire faith? But during her last year on this earth, that faith was much more than a belief. It was knowledge. I remember reading her blog and seeing the pictures that she had drawn (http://sadiehuish.blogspot.com/2009/06/faith-and-testimony-of-miss-sadie.html) and thinking "How is that possible? How can a child draw those types of pictures?" And I have no doubt that she knew. So, while I have always been someone who is deeply spiritual, I never had faith in Jesus Christ. But to make a very long explanation of what I am going through short, I trust my niece completely. Because of her knowledge of Jesus Christ, I have recently began a Christ-centered spiritual journey. This journey isn't religion specific - in fact, I've been asking many people from many faiths over the past few weeks about their suggestions of what I should read or what ideas they might have. I guess for the longest time I've been so cynical about the life of Jesus Christ - it seemed to be so mythological and unrealistic to me. And the idea of one man not only knowing every single person on a very personal level, but suffering and dying for each of us seemed a bit too much. But oddly, it doesn't seem so now. Like I said, I trust Sadie. I don't know if my faith will ever evolve into knowledge - but I very comfortable with taking this journey slow and really learning all I can about the life of Jesus Christ. I imagine it will be a very rewarding experience.

So that is where I'm at right now. I still find myself sad occasionally, but I've learned so much from Sadie and her life and I am really trying to apply those things to my life. It's been great to have been able to be here in Utah to have spent quality time with Sadie while she was still healthy enough to be active. It was necessary for me to be with family during those moments before and after Sadie's passing. It's been incredibly beneficial to have close friends and family around to spend time with. I have absolutely no regrets about being here.

I've heard that a person needs to know where they came from before they can know where they are going. Throughout my life, I've been so consumed by whatever chapter in my life I am currently involved in that I don't factor in my previous experience. But these past few months have seemed to merge every aspect of my life into one moment - now. Who I am is a result of every experience I've had and I feel ready to continue on with my life embracing that.