reality

Scott says that last night I wouldn't stop tossing and turning... I'm not surprised. This past week has proven to be more eventful than I ever expected.

There was quite a bit of drama since I wrote the last post... as any one who is reading this (and Scott's) blog would know. To make a long issue short, Scott was very upset at my sister's response and sent them a very stern e-mail. The e-mail was replied to by my sister's husband... Honestly, I could go into what was said but I don't have the energy or desire to do so. Bottom line is that Scott and I won't be attending the event this afternoon for Sadie.

Hard enough as that decision was, I was talking to my mom for Mother's Day and Sadie's event was brought up. I told her, quite briefly, that I won't be attending... which issued in a guilt-trip and a very emotional conversation. My mom feels that my sister's family and I need to put aside our differences and think about Sadie... Sadie doesn't know Scott, so it was nothing against him, but Sadie wanted me there for her special day, so think about what she wants... That I shouldn't look back on this time and regret anything - like that I should have gone to the party or that I let differences stand in the way...

Oh Mom. You sure have a way with words - suffice to say, I felt like shit.

What is it about me that when I am faced with a situation regarding my family, I feel completely jaded by the real issue and willingly accept guilt or blame?

I'm pretty sure that was the reason I was tossing and turning last night. I feel somewhat helpless in this situation because I've always tried to be the person who makes everyone happy - and I can't stand being the person who disappoints. I remember a while back when my nephew Spencer had his baptism, I was invited by Heather. I remember that work at the time was incredibly busy and I just couldn't get away, so I called and talked to Heather about the situation. She understood, but when I asked to talk with Spencer and explained the situation to him, he sounded incredibly sad and disappointed on the phone. It broke my heart.

***
Well - here's an update. As I was writing that last paragraph, my mom called to tell me that Sadie is going to the hospital. She has apparently been having horrible headaches this past week and it's just gotten too intense, so they are taking her to the hospital to see what they can do. I guess the party tonight might not even happen...


It's funny - over the weekend, Scott and I went up to Park City with some close friends and we stayed up late talking about everything. The topic of this entire blog came up and Scott was saying how he felt, my friends said how they felt -- and then Caitie, one of my best friends, noticed I wasn't saying anything. So she stopped and asked how everything made me feel. I didn't say anything for a while. How can you put in words the desire to scream, the longing to cry, a deep love for everyone involved, the feeling of being burned, unexplainable raw emotion and a strange sense of optimism?

I guess I never expected reality to be so real...