Re-posted

Last night, I came home from the gym around 11:30 and I couldn't wind down... I just had too much on my mind. So I wrote everything I was feeling and posted a blog - but as soon as I woke up, I took it off because I didn't want it to offend anyone. But as this morning goes on, I realize that these feelings are completely valid and it's not fair to me to censor myself. So here it is - yet again:

As usual, the thoughts begin to flow late at night... and writing seems to be the only way to calm the mind. It's pretty strange, but there's something very therapeutic about writing with the idea that no one may read it, but that everyone can read it if they wanted to. It's like having a window into my soul and all you really need to do is look through...
Well kids, this one may be a long one, so pour yourself a drink, pull up a chair and get comfortable.

I got an invitation in the mail over the weekend for a party for my niece Sadie. The Make-A Wish Foundation is holding a big Princess themed celebration in honor of Sadie's wishes being fulfilled and having a big send off before the Huish family heads off to Disneyworld. I was stoked to receive the invite - it was a cute princess crown card and all the writing was done by the princess herself. (Sadie's penmanship is amazing, by the way) So I made arrangements with work and got everything prepared - but I also noticed that Scott's name wasn't on the invite. Now, side note - there was a time, about a year or so ago, that my sister sent me a letter saying that in respect to her beliefs and what influence she wants around her children, any person I am dating isn't welcome in her home or at events that her family will be in attendance. At the time, it made me VERY upset - but at the same time, I wasn't in a very serious relationship (Scott and I were just starting out) and I respected the fact that she held her ground in what she believed. But I figured that since Scott raised a considerable amount of money for Sadie's fund with his co-workers, participated in the 5K (and even got his mom Collette and her boyfriend, Chip, to join as well), as well as offer our apartment as a place to stay in case they might need it (because we are so close to Primary Children's Hospital and the huntsman Cancer Institute) - well, I went out on a limb and figured that Scott would be invited as well to this celebration of Sadie's wishes and I just wanted to double-check with the Huish's to make sure it'd be alright....
Well, I got an e-mail from T a day or so later which said:
"I know that Scott has indeed been supportive of Sadie and our family, and, goodness, he is a wonderful guy. Again, it goes back to the letter I wrote, that if someone you are in a relationship with is around at different events, then that is not in my control, but as for inviting that person to stuff for our family and to our home, that is not something I can do. Again, it is not a knock on Scott,... it's my feelings in general, ... that this kind of relationship isn't something I feel is right, and something I don't want my kids around. I hope this doesn't come across negatively, and that it is just reiterating what I've said before. It's what I feel is best for my family and that I need to stick to that. That said, I know that Scott is great, that you love him, and I don't want there to be feelings hurt. I hope to see you on Monday, but if you aren't there because you wouldn't want Scott feeling bad, then I won't hold any ill will or anything - that is up to you."

It hurt to read that. In fact, it kept me up most of last night and most of this morning... I guess I figured that something had changed. I mean, this is the man that I love. That I've been in a committed relationship for almost a year and a half... He is my family. So to feel that someone you are completely devoted to, whom you love with all you are, isn't welcome in your family -- well, it pierces your heart. And I can't even make you, whoever you are, understand that pain that you feel when a sibling, whom you love and respect, isn't accepting of who you are and who you love. I live in an interesting family scenario in the fact that my sisters are not accepting of me and Scott being together, while my brother is completely accepting of me, of Scott and the relationship we have. (My mom is still in a struggle between what she believes and her love for me and Scott. I consider her neutral... with a lean toward me.) At any rate, I hurt and I've been hurting all day.
So I picked Scott up from work and was waiting for the most appropriate time to tell him what is going on - and the time finally came before dinner. He wasn't happy, to say the least - but I feel it's highly due to the fact that he has been completely supportive of my sisters family and has done so many things to help out. And while I know he's not looking for recognition in any way, I guess all that would've sufficed is an acknowledgment of our relationship and a Thank You. In all honesty though, I think he's tired of trying to appease my sisters and I don't blame him. I was scared to death to meet Scott's family and I've received nothing but love and support from them - so to imagine the other end of the spectrum would be hell. And I fell horrible to put him through it.
At the same time, I make myself so fucking upset... because growing up in an LDS environment, I understand both of my sister's standpoints. So I have a sense of respect for their stance and what they believe in. And it's because of that, that I blame the LDS church for how my sister's feel. You know - I'll go as far to say that I blame the priesthood for it. My sister's didn't feel so adamant about their beliefs until after they got married - hell, I can remember the first person I told about me being gay was T and she hugged me and told me she loved me - and hugged the guy I was seeing at the time when she met him for the first time. Plus she played softball for God's sake - I'm sure she has loads of lesbi-friends. So, again, yes. I blame the church. I blame the priesthood - and while it has provided peace for many people and has inspired many people for the better, it hasn't me. In fact, it reminds me of a poem I wrote a while back...

Behold -
You might say I held onto that iron rod
In fact, quite vividly, I remember holding on so tight
Clenched fingers
A white knuckled grip
To the point I was afraid to let go.
Yea & I made it to that tree
Despite the darkness that entrapped me
& I saw the smiling faces
& I heard angels singing harmony
& I felt - for once I did belong
I remember thinking clearly that suppression equaled freedom
So I partook of that fruit
That precious fruit whose reputation succeeds all
And the taste thereof…
Was that of simple fruit
So I stood with a mask of joy
While I held this fruit and I wondered why.
Why?
Let the people know I was not ashamed as I dropped that fruit and walked away.

I wrote that on December 29, 2006... I remember writing it with the idea of Lehi's dream (from the Book of Mormon) in mind. I respect the fact that people cling to their religion - but at what cost?

I'm tired... in more ways than one. In the words of Madonna "Freedom comes when you learn to let go" - while I love and respect my family for what they believe, I can't hold on to the notion that we are as close as we were before and I can't expect them to change because of what I feel to be right (any more than they can expect me to change because they feel they are right)

The choice to leave for Chicago, I feel, is coming at a very appropriate time. While I do feel that the situation with Sadie is horrible, most of my nieces and nephews are getting to the point in their lives where they will be asking lots of whys. I don't think my sister's feel comfortable talking with their kids about homosexuality - and honestly, I don't really feel that kids would be able to comprehend the extent of what being gay or straight is. I think my brother told his boys that Scott is my special friend... and I think that's all kids really need to know. Aidan and Jarron (my brothers kids) have completely accepted the fact that Scott and me are together all the time - and that's really all they care to know. If I'm around and Scott's not there, they ask where he is and when he'll be around. Granted, I'm not a parent (yet) so I don't know how I'd handle a similar situation - but I can't help but wonder how my sister's are going to explain to their kids why Uncle Nik is moving to Chicago...