Reiki and Ranting (a powerful duo)

God. It's been one of those days. I've decided that as much as I love the responsibility, leadership experience and, let's be honest, pay of being in management at work, I can't help but feel that all I am is a glorified babysitter. It seems that whenever the manager of the bakery I work at is on her day off and I am in charge, shit hits the fan. And as soon as that mess is cleaned up, there are more bags of shit flung at the fan to liven things up yet again. I consider myself an optimistic person with a general care-free demeanor but I really don't feel as though I should be telling adults what they should and shouldn't be doing and going as far as expecting them to... I don't know... show up for their scheduled shifts or tell me when they are running low on something so I can order it. There is just a ball of unnecessary drama that continues to float nonchalantly around the bakery at all times... How much longer until I move to Chicago??
OK. I have that out of my system.
These past few days have been interesting and strangely enlightening. Last weekend, Scott had some unfortunate news about his grandmother passing away and he went back to the golden mid-west to Des Moines to be with his family during the services. (For more information on that, you should read his blog. My man gave a very touching tribute to his grandmother and although I didn't know her personally, reading his words and hearing him talk about her previously has given me nothing but the highest respect for her life and all she and their family have been through.) In the midst of this unfortunate experience, I am facing almost a week apart from Scott. I believe a little separation is good for a relationship - and I've used this time to get more in touch with myself.
On Sunday, I decided to set up an appointment at Healing Mountain Massage School (I highly recommend it - not only is it fairly inexpensive, but it's pretty much amazing - http://www.healingmountain.org/slcHome.html ). I wanted to do a massage, but was much more interested in the Tibetan Reiki Energy Treatment that they offered. I've done some research with chakras and energy work and have found it completely fascinating... so with that in mind, I showed up for my appointment and checked in. There were some issues with the scheduling and I ended up getting a different person than I was told... who has just happened to be a Reiki master for almost 15 years. The treatment was so fascinating - she was very talkative about what work she was doing and we had a very interesting conversation about energy work and relations to religion and spirituality. The feeling during the session was so unique - I can only compare it to feeling similar to 'feeling the spirit' when I was involved in the church - and the the idea of positive energy in mind, I'd imagine it is a very similar sensation - if not the same. At any rate, the only way I can describe the feeling after is how you'd imagine flowing water would feel. A little bizarre, but great. After the session, she could tell that I was very interested in our conversation and the session, so she gave me a list of some books to read and was more than willing to help me learn more. Overall, the experience was so random, but so unique and what I needed.
It's too bad I had to go to work this morning... I went from a flowing river of positive energy to a black hole... but I think I'm back to feeling fine. (Limoncello works wonders in helping me feel fine...)

In other ideas of being alone and facing thoughts of my past, I think I realize why I'm so upset at the LDS church. I've blogged about it before in previous posts, but I think what it all comes down to is that I felt so guilty for being who I am and yet devoted so much time and energy into proving to others, and myself, that it was right. I'm not implying the church is wrong, but it is definitely not right for me. I feel like a scorned lover (For the record, I just laughed out loud as I wrote that) - I devoted myself and who I was to something that turned it's back on me when I wasn't in sync with what they believe to be right. Not only the church, but my closest family members as well. So, to those of you who do read this, who are involved in the LDS church and believe it to be correct, I respect you and admire your faith. I have just been burned so deeply and the scar runs so deep that I can't even look back on my experiences as a missionary without my heart hurting. It was such a dark place for me - which is so ironic...
I'm glad, in a sense, that I will be living in another city soon. I'm tired of church talk in regular conversation (You say you need a dessert for your home teaching families, eh?) and I'm tired of being careful who I let know about me and Scott (Um... no. He's not just my roommate...)
I'm finally me - as whole as a work in progress can possibly be and I'm truly happy. Why should I feel guilty about that?