Can't sleep~

I can't sleep again. It seems that moments where I have to stop moving and the only thing I really am able to do is think is when I fall apart. I can't stop thinking about my niece. I'm haunted by a memory of just a few days ago of my sister, on her 28th birthday, telling me through teary eyes that the doctor just told her that even with radiation Sadie is expected to live another 8-12 months. My feeble optimistic response was "Well, they said only 6 months before - so that's improvement, right?" And she just looked at me. And I just looked at her. And we cried. It was a very intimate moment and one that will stay with me forever.

I have to admit, there are very few times that anyone actually sees me break down. Bless Scott's heart - he's seen (or been on the phone with me) most of the times when I really lose it - but for the most part, I seem very optimistic. It seems almost cynical - there has been an incredible amount of drama at work and Scott has had some major issues with the coming together of the production of his opera - but there is no way that they compare to the look I saw in my sister's eyes. And as a result of that single experience in the hospital last week, there is no problem that even compares to it. So when I hear ladies complaining at work about management or management complaining about associates, I am able to let things roll off my back and find a way to improve the situation - because it just doesn't compare. When Scott tells me that the score for his opera doesn't match the script, I recognize that the problem is big - but it doesn't compare. And I feel bad because I know that these problems in other people's lives are very real but there isn't any one of those problems that come close to the look in her eyes.

And so I find that getting cut off in traffic, or missing a work-out at the gym, or getting a larger phone bill than I expected or finding cat fur all over my black work pants - while annoying - are not worth getting upset over. It's like the little nuisances of life have somehow become moments of 'Huh. That really sucks.' and I'm on my way.

And at the same time, I find that I am happier in many ways - I'm noticing more the little things that bring me joy. I've gotten rid of many things around my apartment that are old, used, or doesn't have a good energy - and I toss it. Regardless of the sentiment or how long I've had it. And the little things that I find that bring me joy and have a good energy, I hold onto dearly.

I suppose that this situation with my niece has given me a new perspective on life. I do enjoy it more than I did and I don't let the little things get to me...

It's only when it's late and I'm left to my thoughts that I remember what gave me this new perspective - and I find it hard to close my eyes.