My idea of her future

I just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who read my last blog and who sent me words of comfort and encouragement. I truly have some amazing people in my life - thank you for your love and support for me and more importantly, thank you for your love, faith, hope and support for my niece.

I received news today that the tumor on my nieces brain is very severe - to the point that they are giving her about 6 months to live.

I really don't know what to say.

I am just finding this so hard to believe. My brother called and talked with me today and all I did was yell. I was so angry - not at anyone or anything - but so livid to the point I was shaking. And then I broke down again - I just feel so helpless in this situation. I don't understand why a five year old is faced with this sort of challenge and I don't know how to help. I just wish I could...

I was planning to go out with one of my best friends Holly this evening. I decided to take a quick shower before I left and for some reason the reality of this situation really sunk in while I was standing under that hot water and I sobbed uncontrollably. I don't usually do that - in fact, I could count on one hand how many times I've really broken down. But it was strangely therapeutic. I feel like after that experience, I can attempt to be optimistic and if, in fact, the doctors are true and there is only this short time left, then goddammit, I'm going to make that time as comfortable as possible for that little princess.

While I was driving tonight I was thinking of what bullshit it is that Sadie won't be able to live a full life with experiences relating to growing up and maturing. And then I thought of her life - vividly - if she made it through all this. I saw Sadie making it through all these procedures, weak but alive and making a full recovery. She makes friends with other kids in the hospital as she's recovering and she ends up keeping in touch with these people throughout her pre-teen and teenage years. She has braces when she enters her teens. She experiments with coloring her hair - she tends to lean toward darker colors because she's so sick of the blonde she's had her whole life. Theres a day where she is hanging out with one of her friends that she met while she was in the hospital when she was a kid and is introduced to a boy she falls madly in love with. They date all through high school but after graduation things get a little weird, so she decides to spend the summer with her uncles Nik and Scott in Chicago. She works part-time running the counter in my bakery - makes a little cash, enjoys the night-life, dabbles in painting and other forms of art - when she realizes that she misses Utah and her immediate family. She had been heavily involved in the LDS religion her whole life and thought she needed a break from it - but the time away from Utah makes her realize how important it is to her. She decides to go on a mission - somewhere foreign and she easily learns a new language. When she returns, the boy she had dated in high school meets back up with her. They fall in love. They get married. I make their wedding cake (and she helps, with the experience she got with me in Chicago)... (and the cake looks fierce). Later on they have a few children of their own and she is happy. She doesn't remember much of when she had the brain tumor - she just feels it was something that she had once. Like the chicken pox.

Is it strange of me to see all this? I wish it for her. She deserves life. She deserves to live. And I pray to God she will.