Relying on faith

I woke up this morning and something just didn't feel right. I tried to do yoga, I tried watching hilarious clips on youtube but I just couldn't shake the funk I was in. I was driving to work when I got a call from my oldest sister, Heather. She wanted to let me know that my other sister, Tiffany, was taking her oldest daughter to the hospital to get a CT scan. Apparently, Sadie (my 5 year old niece) had recently been having trouble balancing and her speech was different. Heather didn't know much more than that, just she just wanted to let me know. (My family is very thorough about letting the other members in the family aware of whats going on.) So I told her I'd keep my phone on me and wait to hear any other information as soon as possible.

So after that, I worried. I get that from my Mom. She is notorious for expecting the worst. And part of me has always held that inside of me as I grew up. But I tried to remain positive and hope for the best.

Well, about an hour goes by and I got a call from my Mom. She called to let me know that my niece has a tumor on her brain stem and they aren't able to operate. The next step at this point is chemotherapy and radiation. I broke down and she broke down - and the rest of the night was a blur of worrying, praying, random updates from family, calling Scott and breaking down again...

I'm of the belief that all things happen for a reason. But there are somethings that I can't see the logic in. I don't see how a 5 year old girl, going through the pain and ordeal of chemotherapy and radiation can be justified in any way. True, we as humans can only see so far in the grand scheme of things - but I can't think of a situation more fucked up than this. Children shouldn't have to face this type of situation... As a child, I faced the death of a parent. That, in itself, is not right. But to be a child and face the possibility of losing your own life? Can a child even comprehend that?

And I'm so mad. I'm mad that my sister is having to face this. My siblings and I went through hell losing our father at an young age and the fact that she has to see her own daughter go through a similar situation infuriates me. I just don't know what to think. And I don't know what to say. I feel so incredibly helpless - and I just wish that I could do something. Anything.

And instead I'm blogging. And I'm thinking of my problems of last night - The fact that I didn't go running or that I feel like I need to whiten my teeth or that I didn't get enough accomplished in the day... It just seems so minute and insignificant. And I was thinking earlier that I only have a few more days until pay day or a few more weeks until Scott's opera - But what is a few more days or a few more weeks? Wasted time? A temporary filler until a certain date? I can't help but think of my sister and wonder whats a few more days or weeks for her...

I know I need to change my mind frame. There isn't any benefit in looking at the negative but I'm just having a difficult time right now with not knowing what's going to happen from here.

For anyone who might be reading this - I ask you for your prayers, your faith, your positive energy and attitudes for my beautiful niece, Sadie Huish.

Olivia and Sadie

Sadie, Me, Olivia