It's April

I'm really struggling with a lot of things right now. I truly believe that all things happen for a reason, but I fail to make sense of what is going on with Sadie. I'm really trying to be positive about this situation and I'm really trying to do all I can to help, but at the same time I feel so helpless... I wish there was something concrete that I could do that could flip a switch, so to speak... just turn everything around for the better. I've been so down lately and I think it's partly because I'm so angry and I just don't know where to place it. Obviously it's no ones fault that Sadie has cancer but I can't help but have an overwhelming desire to lash out and scream obscenities at someone for causing it. God, perhaps? But it would almost be too easy to blame God - and at the same time, not worth it. I'm attempting to gain an eternal perspective on it all, but it's hard to look at eternity when the moments of a single day seems to precious to overlook. Yet on the other hand, I almost feel like all of our lives are an individual puzzle piece that contributes to some large beautiful picture that only God can see... I'm just attempting to make sense of where Sadie's piece fits - and mine for that matter.

In other less philosophical and more optimistic news, I had the privilege of joining my mom, sister and my three beautiful nieces at breakfast this morning. They were all downtown for some blood work that Sadie needed done, so we all met up after they were done at Primary Children's at a Village Inn about a block away from my flat. It was so great to see them - it seems that time seems a lot more precious these days and even a week feels like years. Sadie is still as sweet as ever. Her cheeks have gotten a bit bigger since the last time I saw her - I guess it's in part to the steroids that she is taking - but she still giggles as much as ever at Olivia and Sam and she still laughs and yells at me when I try to steal her food (what can I say - her food looked good...). She's a doll. T just told me that Sadie told her that she wants to be a chef when she grows up and that she loves the Food Network. So Sadie and I are planning a day where we make a vanilla cake with chocolate frosting - with gumdrops on top. It should be intense. I'm really looking forward to it...

I apologize if I seem so consumed by Sadie and what's going on. I really can't explain it well, but I really feel that my mom and siblings share a unique bond. After my dad passed away, we really relied on each other for strength and when one of us was in pain, we were all in pain. I feel that's the case still.

I watched V for Vendetta tonight. It is such a profoundly beautiful show and I never get tired of watching it. There is a scene (that, luckily, I found on you tube) that brings me to tears every time and I want to share it with you. The scene shows Evey (played by Natalie Portman) who is being held prisoner and tortured so she will reveal the whereabouts of V (the good guy of the show who has been urging people, through acts of terrorism, to stand up against the oppressive government) She won't give in and the torture continues - but she then finds a note of another prisoner in the wall of her cell and... well... watch away...



I love the line, "Our integrity sells for so little but it is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us... but within that inch, we are free."

And finally, near the end of her letter she says " Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch. It is small and fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.

I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you.

With all my heart. I love you."

It is so beautiful...