Can't sleep~

I can't sleep again. It seems that moments where I have to stop moving and the only thing I really am able to do is think is when I fall apart. I can't stop thinking about my niece. I'm haunted by a memory of just a few days ago of my sister, on her 28th birthday, telling me through teary eyes that the doctor just told her that even with radiation Sadie is expected to live another 8-12 months. My feeble optimistic response was "Well, they said only 6 months before - so that's improvement, right?" And she just looked at me. And I just looked at her. And we cried. It was a very intimate moment and one that will stay with me forever.

I have to admit, there are very few times that anyone actually sees me break down. Bless Scott's heart - he's seen (or been on the phone with me) most of the times when I really lose it - but for the most part, I seem very optimistic. It seems almost cynical - there has been an incredible amount of drama at work and Scott has had some major issues with the coming together of the production of his opera - but there is no way that they compare to the look I saw in my sister's eyes. And as a result of that single experience in the hospital last week, there is no problem that even compares to it. So when I hear ladies complaining at work about management or management complaining about associates, I am able to let things roll off my back and find a way to improve the situation - because it just doesn't compare. When Scott tells me that the score for his opera doesn't match the script, I recognize that the problem is big - but it doesn't compare. And I feel bad because I know that these problems in other people's lives are very real but there isn't any one of those problems that come close to the look in her eyes.

And so I find that getting cut off in traffic, or missing a work-out at the gym, or getting a larger phone bill than I expected or finding cat fur all over my black work pants - while annoying - are not worth getting upset over. It's like the little nuisances of life have somehow become moments of 'Huh. That really sucks.' and I'm on my way.

And at the same time, I find that I am happier in many ways - I'm noticing more the little things that bring me joy. I've gotten rid of many things around my apartment that are old, used, or doesn't have a good energy - and I toss it. Regardless of the sentiment or how long I've had it. And the little things that I find that bring me joy and have a good energy, I hold onto dearly.

I suppose that this situation with my niece has given me a new perspective on life. I do enjoy it more than I did and I don't let the little things get to me...

It's only when it's late and I'm left to my thoughts that I remember what gave me this new perspective - and I find it hard to close my eyes.

E-mail

I had just finished my last post when I got this e-mail in my inbox:

"Our dear family and friends---

As some of you are aware, we received the heartbreaking news yesterday that our sweet Sadie has brain cancer. In just this last week she had been complaining of headaches here and there, and would hold her neck when she would have these headaches. This "headache" would only last for seconds, but was enough to catch our attention. We had also noticed some changes in her speech and her balance when she walked. It seemed more pronounced over the weekend, so we took her to the doctor yesterday morning. After some different questions and checks, he ordered a CT scan of her brain/spine at Primary Childrens. We headed up there, she did the scan, and they found a mass on her brain. Later last night they did an MRI for more details, and through this test it was concluded she has what is called a high grade glioma tumor on her brain stem. Because of the sensitivity of the area, (the brain stem controls functions like mobility, speech, vision, respiratory, etc), and as the tumor has intertwined itself to the brain stem, surgery isn't an option, and getting a biopsy to find out more about the tumor isn't an option. They concluded it was malignant as one portion of the tumor seems to be moving more aggressively, and has killed tissue around this area. So she has most likely has the tumor for awhile, but only now is having symptoms as a part of it has become more aggressive. She will start radiation therapy in the next few days, and we will see what effect this has. It isn't a promising situation, but we rely heavily on our faith and we do believe miracles can happen. Our Sadie is strong and a fighter, and we will take this day by day. It is very surreal that we are sending this e-mail to you, but want you to know of the situation if you didn't already, and to thank you for your prayers. We have been truly humbled by the outpouring of love and concern for Sadie and our family. We will give more details as they come, as this seems like an effective way to keep everyone updated. Thank you again for your friendship and love.

Love,

Zac, Tiffany, and the girls"

Again, to anyone who might be reading this - please keep my sister's family in your thoughts and prayers. It seems to be the only thing anyone can really do at this point. Thank you...

My idea of her future

I just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who read my last blog and who sent me words of comfort and encouragement. I truly have some amazing people in my life - thank you for your love and support for me and more importantly, thank you for your love, faith, hope and support for my niece.

I received news today that the tumor on my nieces brain is very severe - to the point that they are giving her about 6 months to live.

I really don't know what to say.

I am just finding this so hard to believe. My brother called and talked with me today and all I did was yell. I was so angry - not at anyone or anything - but so livid to the point I was shaking. And then I broke down again - I just feel so helpless in this situation. I don't understand why a five year old is faced with this sort of challenge and I don't know how to help. I just wish I could...

I was planning to go out with one of my best friends Holly this evening. I decided to take a quick shower before I left and for some reason the reality of this situation really sunk in while I was standing under that hot water and I sobbed uncontrollably. I don't usually do that - in fact, I could count on one hand how many times I've really broken down. But it was strangely therapeutic. I feel like after that experience, I can attempt to be optimistic and if, in fact, the doctors are true and there is only this short time left, then goddammit, I'm going to make that time as comfortable as possible for that little princess.

While I was driving tonight I was thinking of what bullshit it is that Sadie won't be able to live a full life with experiences relating to growing up and maturing. And then I thought of her life - vividly - if she made it through all this. I saw Sadie making it through all these procedures, weak but alive and making a full recovery. She makes friends with other kids in the hospital as she's recovering and she ends up keeping in touch with these people throughout her pre-teen and teenage years. She has braces when she enters her teens. She experiments with coloring her hair - she tends to lean toward darker colors because she's so sick of the blonde she's had her whole life. Theres a day where she is hanging out with one of her friends that she met while she was in the hospital when she was a kid and is introduced to a boy she falls madly in love with. They date all through high school but after graduation things get a little weird, so she decides to spend the summer with her uncles Nik and Scott in Chicago. She works part-time running the counter in my bakery - makes a little cash, enjoys the night-life, dabbles in painting and other forms of art - when she realizes that she misses Utah and her immediate family. She had been heavily involved in the LDS religion her whole life and thought she needed a break from it - but the time away from Utah makes her realize how important it is to her. She decides to go on a mission - somewhere foreign and she easily learns a new language. When she returns, the boy she had dated in high school meets back up with her. They fall in love. They get married. I make their wedding cake (and she helps, with the experience she got with me in Chicago)... (and the cake looks fierce). Later on they have a few children of their own and she is happy. She doesn't remember much of when she had the brain tumor - she just feels it was something that she had once. Like the chicken pox.

Is it strange of me to see all this? I wish it for her. She deserves life. She deserves to live. And I pray to God she will.

Relying on faith

I woke up this morning and something just didn't feel right. I tried to do yoga, I tried watching hilarious clips on youtube but I just couldn't shake the funk I was in. I was driving to work when I got a call from my oldest sister, Heather. She wanted to let me know that my other sister, Tiffany, was taking her oldest daughter to the hospital to get a CT scan. Apparently, Sadie (my 5 year old niece) had recently been having trouble balancing and her speech was different. Heather didn't know much more than that, just she just wanted to let me know. (My family is very thorough about letting the other members in the family aware of whats going on.) So I told her I'd keep my phone on me and wait to hear any other information as soon as possible.

So after that, I worried. I get that from my Mom. She is notorious for expecting the worst. And part of me has always held that inside of me as I grew up. But I tried to remain positive and hope for the best.

Well, about an hour goes by and I got a call from my Mom. She called to let me know that my niece has a tumor on her brain stem and they aren't able to operate. The next step at this point is chemotherapy and radiation. I broke down and she broke down - and the rest of the night was a blur of worrying, praying, random updates from family, calling Scott and breaking down again...

I'm of the belief that all things happen for a reason. But there are somethings that I can't see the logic in. I don't see how a 5 year old girl, going through the pain and ordeal of chemotherapy and radiation can be justified in any way. True, we as humans can only see so far in the grand scheme of things - but I can't think of a situation more fucked up than this. Children shouldn't have to face this type of situation... As a child, I faced the death of a parent. That, in itself, is not right. But to be a child and face the possibility of losing your own life? Can a child even comprehend that?

And I'm so mad. I'm mad that my sister is having to face this. My siblings and I went through hell losing our father at an young age and the fact that she has to see her own daughter go through a similar situation infuriates me. I just don't know what to think. And I don't know what to say. I feel so incredibly helpless - and I just wish that I could do something. Anything.

And instead I'm blogging. And I'm thinking of my problems of last night - The fact that I didn't go running or that I feel like I need to whiten my teeth or that I didn't get enough accomplished in the day... It just seems so minute and insignificant. And I was thinking earlier that I only have a few more days until pay day or a few more weeks until Scott's opera - But what is a few more days or a few more weeks? Wasted time? A temporary filler until a certain date? I can't help but think of my sister and wonder whats a few more days or weeks for her...

I know I need to change my mind frame. There isn't any benefit in looking at the negative but I'm just having a difficult time right now with not knowing what's going to happen from here.

For anyone who might be reading this - I ask you for your prayers, your faith, your positive energy and attitudes for my beautiful niece, Sadie Huish.

Olivia and Sadie

Sadie, Me, Olivia

I'll dream of him tonight

Scott left for a trip back to the mid-west today - he'll be gone a week, which should be filled with time with family and a few auditions with potential schools for his graduate program. I wanted to take him to the airport even though I had to work, so I talked with Michelle (my friend and the manager of the bakery I work at) and was able to do so. I ended up getting back to the apartment a few minutes earlier than I thought and Scott was finishing some last minute packing. I walked into our bathroom area and he had written on the mirror with a dry erase marker that said the following:

"Because you are thoughtful, funny, kind, caring, beautiful, understanding, intelligent, unconditional, sensitive, crass, intuitive, shy
Because you have an amazing smile, ambition, good taste, determination, great laugh, focus, patience, great ass
I love you."

It was probably the sweetest thing he, or anyone else, has ever said and I instantly felt so in love that my chest hurt. That's not to say I wasn't in love before - but I think we're at a point in our relationship where we are very comfortable with each other and we both know we love each other, but probably don't say it enough. I guess this was a little wake up to make me realize I am head over heels in love with this man. *sigh* Which made it more difficult to drop him off at the airport, but left me smiling throughout the rest of the night.

In work related news, I'm loving the new position. It's all very new and fresh for me, so I'm loving the fact that I'm learning everyday. I'm still struggling with the fact that I have to do customer service along with the baking/managerial responsibilities. Let's be honest - I don't like people. I'm a genuinely nice person but mainly, I don't like talking with people I don't know. Like today, for instance. A large, stout woman came to the counter talking loudly on her cell phone in a nagging, nasally tone - I paid no attention because, well, the fat bitch was talking on her cell phone. Besides the fact that it is incredibly annoying, it's not the most respectful, but whatever - I went about my business. About a minute goes by and I literally know more about her life than I care to, when she yells 'Can I get some help here?'. I say 'Oh, I didn't want to interrupt your conversation.' while another associate helps her get some donuts to make those giant thighs even larger. I walked away, repulsed, vowing not to eat donuts or talk on a cell phone in a public place. We'll see how that goes.

In marathon news, I'm no longer training for the half-marathon. My sister decided to switch to a 5K because of health issues, so I decided to do that instead as well. Hopefully we'll be able to get other members of the fam to join as well. In the meantime, I'll be training for the relay marathon in June. It should be pretty intense...

Have you heard Janet Jackson's new album? As long as you don't look at the cover art (or any of the pictures in the booklet where she is wearing the same outfit as the cover) - the album is THE SHIT. I told Scott initially that it's an acquired taste - well, bitch, I've acquired a taste and it's delicious. It's so funny though, because part of me feels like I'm in high school again and I need to constantly find out what's new in the world of Janet. Lately I've been going to this website 'Janet-Xone' where it gives up-to-date news and information regarding everything Janet. I used to go to it ALL THE TIME during the Velvet Rope and All For You eras - but something drew me back. With each news story, there is a feedback link where people can voice their opinions about the news story or whatever the hell they feel like. It is so hilarious in there... people are defending Janet to the death while others are supporters of Mariah Carey and just talk shit on Janet. Some say Janet's too lazy or outdated and things of that nature - and it turns into this huge drama fest. It's hilarious to read and I can't seem to get enough.

In other news, I've decided to "read" 1984. I actually got the audio-book from the library and I listen to it during my commute to work. I LOVE IT so much. Beside the fact that the book is read by this man with a beautiful accent, the book is incredible. It makes me doubt the news and the government and wonder how much of it is actually fact. It also makes me love the fact that I can think freely - I'm only a little ways in, but I am enthralled by it... Can't wait to see what happens.

Good god. It's time for bed. You see what happens when Scott isn't around? I lose myself in the enticing world of blogging. *sigh* Until next time.

death to the treadmill

Here's the thing - I'm planning on running a half-marathon with my sister this April. I've already started training for it, but I think I'm going to track my progress here. I'm hoping it'll give me the extra motivation I need to keep going.

In 2006, my sister, her husband and I ran a marathon. It was very emotional and wonderful... the entire race benefited the Huntsman Cancer Foundation here in Utah and it was on my dad's birthday (who passed away from cancer). So that alone was motivation enough to train for a marathon - despite working full time and going to school full time. Looking back, I don't know how in the hell I did it - but it was more than worth it.

This time around, the plan was originally that myself, my mom and my siblings would run a half marathon to do something as a family. With our family, diabetes, cancer and being overweight is fairly common, so my sister and I thought it'd be a great idea to get us together doing something that would benefit us all. Well, it hasn't gone as well as scheduled with the whole family - in fact only my oldest sister and I are going to run it... so that's why I need to write of my progress - if not for anything else, to keep me motivated and get myself excited about my successes.

I've been training for about a week and a 1/2 and my long distance so far is 3 miles... this week is going to be 4 miles. I'm thinking of going to run at either Sugarhouse Park or Liberty Park - They are both such visually stimulating places to run and it's so damn relaxing compared to a treadmill.

God, I hate the treadmill...

Let them eat cake.

God. I just realized that I've been sitting at the computer for the last twenty minutes looking up random shit about things I don't even care about. I finally snapped out of it - so I decided to blog. At least I'm doing something (somewhat) productive.

I recently started a new job - it's an assistant manager position for a bakery in one of the major local supermarkets here in Utah. I'm excited for the experience - I think it'll be a nice change of scenery. I've noticed lately that I've become very comfortable where I'm at. While some people may long for that type of familiarity, I despise it. Whenever I feel that I've learned all I can learn in one area, I need to do something else or it drives me insane. Such is the case with my position at the bakery I'm currently employed in (at least for the next two weeks). I've been working there for over a year and have bounced from one position to the next. I've basically done every position in the bakery and feel I could do an amazing job in each - and so I've been itching for a while. The opportunity came up for this new assistant manager position, and I had to try it out. (Also it helps that this new job would have better pay, benefits, and give a damn about sanitation and teamwork... you know, dandy little nuggets like that)

Anyway, I attended orientation for this new position last night. Let me tell you a few things I can't stand. First off, I HATE when there are people in orientation who have worked at the company previously. I've had to deal with these self-righteous twats in more than one occasion and last night was no exception. The store director would be explaining procedure and Miss Experience would correct the director or add two cents (like anyone else gave two shits). And then there is the great pleasure of playing catch up between the store director and Miss thang about who is still working there and what's happened since. It's like a high school reunion (...well, I'm assuming - I'm pretty sure I'll never attend mine - But that's what it feels like, damn it)
Secondly, there was a guy who graced us all with his presence about an hour and a half after the orientation started. Not only that, but he was in a t-shirt and jeans. I'm not sure if he googled what to wear and what not to wear before he decided to show up, but someone needs to reconsider what "business casual" means. - but wait, that's not the best part - his cell phone went off 3 times over the course of 4 hours. And he let it ring. Seriously, my jaw was open the whole fucking time.

Other than that, it went well.

It seems like things are really starting to pick up. Scott has been auditioning at various schools and his last audition at Roosevelt (in Chicago) went amazing... so maybe that's where we'll be ending up before the year is through. (Hell, before the summer is through) It'll be nice to leave Utah again. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my family and having them so close, but I feel like with the profession I'm in, I'm wading in a stagnant puddle - Utah is a stagnant puddle. Of death. No, I think the real problem is that Utahn's don't (as a whole) appreciate the culinary field as an art and aren't willing to take risks or spend a little extra for something that looks as beautiful as it tastes. I remember the first wedding cake I did - The mother of the bride gave me a picture of exactly what type of cake her daughter wanted and I told her I'd do it. Since it was my first, I figured I'd discount it a bit and I quoted the cake at $400. She nearly choked and said it was too much. (By all means, for the work I did, I could've charged plenty more) The ending price she paid was $275. *sigh* For all those people who say that Utah is a great place to start a business for wedding cakes has never met a Mormon. Sorry y'all - they cheap.

Anyway, that's my rant for the night - But for now, Scott just placed a piece of cake I made in front of me and I must give that my full attention. Until next time.