blunt confessions

I can remember a time when there wasn't anyone closer to me than my family - we knew each other, trusted each other and loved each other unconditionally. It doesn't seem like that long ago, but it's amazing how time has changed us.
I just got off the phone with my oldest sister. She called to say that she regrets that time has gotten the best of our relationship and how she wants us to be closer. In all reality, there isn't anything I'd like more than to have a greater relationship with my siblings. But truth be told, since I came out, there have been a two relationships (with my sisters) that have seemed to have completely diminished and one relationship (with my brother) that has been strengthened greatly.
But back to my sister and our conversation. It began sweet but slowly our masks came off and the underlying issues began to surface. It seems like all the classic arguments were there - comparing homosexuality to an addiction ("Could you say you wouldn't love someone if they were addicted to drugs? No, you love the person, but you don't need to love what they do") to blunt confessions ("I've learned for myself that that lifestyle isn't right" and "I'll never accept that lifestyle"). The conversation lasted about 45 minuted and for a major portion of this, I listened and I said next to nothing. Completely characteristic of me - But how can I say anything at all to someone I honestly love so much who is showing me a complete lack of understanding and a strong sense of ignorance of who I am and the beautiful relationship I'm in? I was dumbstruck. Even now as I write this blog, I am completely numb from the conversation. I've never felt more unaccepted or felt such a conditional sense of love. And yet, I know that she still loves me... It's so bizarre.
I feel so appalled and hurt, yet I feel such gratitude and appreciation for the honesty. Maybe this is the reality I'm going to have to face - my family isn't the closest thing to me in my life. Maybe I should pay more focus to the present instead of reflecting on the great relationships of yesteryear. Maybe this conversation was the catalyst to help me realize the great relationships I do have.
But still, through it all, my love and even a sense of loyalty belongs to my family - I'm not sure where to really go from here.

At least we're all Christian.

It's been a while since I've blogged - mainly for the fact that I've been bombarded by work. The service industry definitely doesn't rest during the holiday and my company was no exception. But along with that, reflecting on this past month, I've never felt more involved in the season. My last blog was not the most optimistic in regard to the holiday, but it's truly been a great season. When Scott and I weren't working and we found time to actually be together, we made the most of it. We decorated a tree, hung garland, stockings and a wreath, attended Christmas parties, baked cookies... we definitely made the yuletide gay. Everything was fabulous. We also didn't wait to give each other our gifts - we basically gave them as soon as we bought them. There wasn't unnecessary expectation or anticipation - it made everything more spontaneous and unexpected, which was actually a great change.

Scott then left for home on Thursday, leaving me and the cats at home. I made the most of my time working and finishing up gifts/projects for Christmas. So while I write this, I'm alone on Christmas. But I'm really not... if that makes any sense. It's very different not having anyone to be with on Christmas and being apart from the one you love. While I would love to be with him right now, I really feel that we've made the most of this season together.

It was also great being with my family on Christmas. Every year I try to give a gift that is more sentimental - I'm definitely not the 'stocking stuffer' type of guy. I don't see the point in getting a lot of random shit just to fill space. So I gave my family ornaments (a family tradition I've continued since my Grandma passed away) and pictures I've taken of them throughout the year. It was great to see their faces as they looked at those pictures and memories were sparked of little moments in the past. And another thing I've noticed with my family and this holiday is love. Sure it's cliché to say, but allow me to explain. I was at my brother's home this morning when his family was opening gifts and his face when his wife and kids opened their presents was priceless. It was also priceless to see my Jason and Dani open home-made gifts from their kids: A picture they drew, used markers and colored pencils, a Spider-man figurine - things that the kids loved that they wanted to give to their parents. It was adorable.

*sigh*

So much has changed and evolved - as life should. It's been interesting to have someone to be with and love. It's been interesting to have definitive bumps in a relationship and to be able to work through them. It's been interesting to see close friends fade out of my life and other friends seem to resurface. It's been interesting to stand up for myself and discover a new voice. It's been a great year.

Before I close out, I need to write a brief explanation on the title of this blog. We were having a work party and for some reason, religion came up in conversation (as it usually does in Utah - *deep sigh*) So they went around the room and asked what religion everyone was. It turned out to be mostly Mormon (surprise), a few Greek Orthodox, one Catholic - and then they got to me. I said "If I had to put a label on it, I'd say I'm agnostic." There was a brief pause, followed by one lady saying "At least we're all Christian."

It took all I had in me to hold my laughter back.



Happy Holidays everyone.

Bah Humbug

I am already sick of Christmas.

Mainly for a few specific reasons. First off, shopping. Where did it become tradition for people to spend large amounts of time and money in pursuit of gifts for people? I decided that I needed to get out of the apartment yesterday and ended up at Target. The parking lot was full which I considered a bad sign, but I continued on. When I was inside the store, I was walking down the main aisle near the checkout stands and I felt like T.V. Carpio in 'Across The Universe' when she is singing her opening number. In the movie, she is walking calmly through a football practice, singing this slow, touching song and all around her are these monster football players demolishing each other... Now, I wasn't singing a touching song - I'd say I was more appalled by the sight of everyone around me. The store was literally in shambles and I left without purchasing (or desiring) anything. I was really upset by the whole situation - mainly because I can't stand the idea of a sincere holiday season being uprooted by commercialism and consumerism. My boyfriend and I decided recently that we would only get two gifts this season - one need and one want. I thought it was pretty wise of us, simply because it kept us away from getting too involved with getting a lot of junk and would help us focus more on the 'spirit' of the season. After being out yesterday though, I'm getting the feeling if I need something, I'll just get it and not wait for a holiday. And if I want something, I'll just save up for it and get it eventually.

The second thing about Christmas - songs about Jesus. In the words of my boyfriend, "You can't take Christ out of Christmas music". Right. Have you really thought about it though? If you are a Christian and you are reading this, consider the sincere, loving, self-less individual that Jesus was. (I'm personally not Christian, but I love studying religion and I admire the words and acts of Jesus) Now, knowing the kind of man he is, do you think he'd really want to hear these songs glorifying him and his birth? In the Bible, he never wanted praise, but instead felt all praise should be given to his Father. I personally believe that he wouldn't want as much attention given to his birth (even if the miraculous immaculate conception and birth were true) and instead want the attention given to listening and applying his teachings. But - that's just me.

Cleaning House

Have you ever wanted to completely forget the past? Maybe not all of your past, but certain aspects of it? I'm going through this awkward sense of emotion that wants to just rid myself of anything that reminds me of the broken parts of the road and the many potholes that got me to this point in my life. I guess part of me wanted to hold onto it all because I've maintained the belief for so long that we learn from our past - and by doing so we better our future. But I guess my question now is: Once we learn from our past, do we completely rid ourself of it? Is it right to forget? This whole blog stems from a garbage can that is next to me - it is full of memories of times when I was an LDS missionary. I can picture my mom telling me now that I should hold onto those memories because I'll want to reflect on them later - and I've thought that for a while as well. But every time I bring them out, I get a little emotional simply because I was in such a deep sense of denial about my sexuality and I was so depressed... So instead of surfacing feelings again I haven't felt for years, I've simply chosen to let them go.

So - to those memories, to those individuals, to the life I once lived - I bid you a strong and emotional goodbye.

taking sides

I just finished reading Night by Elie Wiesel. Those of you who have read it know how unbelievably heart-wrenching and emotional it is. But there is something he writes at the end that had a poignant effect on me. He writes, "We must take sides - Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere." Wiesel said this in his acceptance speech when he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in December of 1986. Perhaps it was because I had just read his horrific experience in Night - perhaps it was because I am a gay man and have felt the sting of oppression as I lived my life day to day in Utah - but it wasn't until I read those words that the idea of taking sides, taking a stand became a valid statement in my mind. I have always believed in balance, in neutrality, of karma - perhaps those things are still valid, but from today forward, I will no longer stand in the middle.

Balance

I just painted a picture. It was my intent to paint something with balance - I'm a firm believer that life should be balanced but it's interesting how the finished result reflects what I must really be feeling inside. I chose two colors - red and blue. I chose red to symbolize the deep, emotional feelings in my life and blue to show the positive aspect of life. I started out with paintbrushes, but quickly realized that it wasn't working well - so I chose to fingerpaint. It sounds very elementary, but it was a unique experience to feel the paint in your fingertips and to slowly feel my way over a blank canvas. It became very apparent in a matter of minutes that the red area had pushed its way to about 2/3 of the canvas. The blue area faded its way onto the canvas as well - after about an hour and a half of feeling my way through, I was finished. This is the result:

Day 1

Blame it on the fact that I had leftover alcohol sitting in the refrigerator (always a good problem to have, I suppose) but I feel as though I'm wallowing in self-pity for some God-only-knows reason - I mean, life is good, don't get me wrong. I just need to break away from the norm - I feel like I'm just barely above the water in a life filled with commercialism, stereotypes, unfairness, deception and jealousy. So I'm doing what I don't do at all - blog. Why? To get it all out and to be honest with myself. Wish me luck.