Moving back.

After weeks of interviewing, stressing, praying, thinking positively and attempting to distract myself, I found out last Friday afternoon that I got the pastry position at the Marriott in downtown Chicago. It is quite literally a dream come true.

Honestly, I felt very positively about the whole experience to the point that I initially gave Harmon's my notice without knowing for sure if I got the position at the Marriott. I don't know if you've read 'The Secret' or know much about the law of attraction, but I feel like I was thinking along those lines the entire time. At any rate, my last day was supposed to be last Saturday - but given the fact that I found out for sure that I got the position on Friday, I asked if I could stay at Harmon's another week. Gratefully, they obliged. Little did I know that this week would entail continual drama with scheduling, lack of proper management in the bakery, associates calling in sick, etc. to the point that I will be working everyday until my last day. Quite the way to spend my last week in Utah.

Today I finally buckled down to get things ready for the move. I've been packing things in boxes, making mix C.D.'s for the road trip, canceling memberships here in Utah and getting my car checked. I would like to see more of my family and friends, but it seems like life is going on as normal - busy, hectic lives. Me included. As much as I would love to see certain people, I'm almost sure it isn't going to happen. It is unfortunate because I don't really know at this point when I'll be back to Utah to visit. I know the holidays are incredibly busy for the hotel I'll be working for, which means being back here will more than likely be out of the question.

I imagine that I'll be back around this time again next year. For those of you who don't know, my dad passed away on August 1, 1987. Since then, our family has made it a point to be together on that day every year after - initially going to the grave site together and reminiscing. But as time has progressed and our lives become more involved with personal families, work and commitments, we tend to try to set that say aside to simply be together as a family. Such was the case this year. My mom, my siblings (and their families) and I got together at my sister Heather's house for a barbecue. We ended up talking, playing PIG (basketball), hanging out, catching up, looking at old pictures and simply spending quality time with each other. I think this year was definitely more emotional and impacted us more because of Sadie's recent passing - but I think that, in part, made the day (and our being together) more special. With that in mind, I imagine the tradition will continue and I will be in Utah on the first of August from here on out. So while Utah hasn't seen the last of me, it will more than likely be a while before I'm back.

I won't lie - moving back is bittersweet. Definitely very sweet to be with Scott, in my apartment, working at my dream job (... can't get much better than that actually...) but at the same time, the experiences I've had and the time I've spent here have deeply influenced me. Definitely things I can apply to my life in Chicago, but I suppose all aspects of life worth living for involve some sort of challenge. In this case, leaving my family after a time that brought us closer and our relationships deeper than I ever imagined, leaving friends who truly went beyond any definition of friendship I could've envisioned, and once again, leaving comfort and familiarity to try something new and challenging. At the same time, the support that I've received from my family and friends, while bittersweet for them as well, has given me a great deal of strength to not only pursue my dream but obtain it and become successful with it.

I'm excited to see where this road takes me...

A life lesson

The desire to express my emotion through writing comes at the strangest moments - when I'm driving to work, while I'm running - usually never when I'm sitting in my room with nothing pressing to take care of. As luck would have it, I am in my room tonight with nothing pressing to take care of and I felt the need to write. I am jumping at the chance.

My last entry was a couple of weeks ago in anticipation for my visit back to Chicago to see Scott for his birthday. It was an amazing trip - it was so great to be with Scott, simply being together doing the everyday things we would normally do. I had a tremendously hard time coming back - in the last few hours we were together (and hours preceding), tears fell consistently and I wondered what might happen if I 'accidentally' missed my plane.

Well, the weeks since that trip have been short, but the tears have continued to fall for different reasons. If you are reading my blog, I can almost certainly wager you have been visiting my sisters blog as well. It is heartbreaking to read her words and to know what she and that beautiful family are going through. I tend to read her entries and feel like this experience is a gut-wrenching story that has no connection to me whatsoever. Like it's simply one of those Lifetime stories you allow yourself to cry with while you watch it and then the T.V. turns off afterward and you move on. But the truth of the matter is that this is my niece who is dying and this is my sister who is facing a situation no parent should ever have to face.

I've been trying to go over there when I can to at least help out with Olivia and Sam so that T and Zac can focus more attention on Sadie and her needs. The one thing I can say about ours and Zacs family that I truly admire is that no matter how much Sadie's condition regresses, our family adapts to those changes and works through them - still knowing that Sadie is just as intelligent and gifted as always. The same goes for Sadie - no matter what physical challenges she faces, she still smiles and laughs and meets those challenges head on. It is inspiring.

Recently, I've been talking to my friend Caitlin what I've been feeling and I told her how work, while draining me physically, has been a perfect distraction from the situation my family is facing and me being away from Scott. She replied by telling me Harmon's is a big building called Denial. I laughed - but agreed. Since then however, I've noticed a parallel between the lives of those around me lately at work. Here are a few examples of situations that my co-workers have faced recently:
Surgery to remove prostate cancer; the death of a father to Alzheimers Disease; the death of a boyfriend, whom my co-worker had been dating for over a year; the death of a brother-in-law to colon cancer. And while all of these situations are completely horrible, they have all learned from these situations and have shared their wisdom to me - whether they realize it or not. Mainly, to truly live life while you have it; to take time to own your emotions, no matter what it is; to love those you care about unconditionally while you have them in your lives; and to remember the achievements of ones life, not focus on their death. I know that just looking at these people on the surface, you'd never have imagined these challenges they've faced - But they are making it through. And as much as I can't comprehend what the next few weeks may hold, I hope I'm able to follow the examples of those people during this difficult time.

Mid-February Ramble

As I'm beginning this, I'm realizing that I don't have much to say... I just feel like I need to write. So here I am. (That is the only warning you guys are going to get... if I end up on some tangent and type out senseless babble for the next little while, consider yourself warned.)

Things are going well here in Chicago. This week was good for work - I ended up getting a few shifts (lately, I've been averaging about 2-3 shifts per week). When the dramatic decline in work shifts began, I was so upset - but now I am just grateful to have a job and to have any shifts at all. There were a few lay-offs at work and in my field, open positions are scarce. That being said, I've been keeping my eye out for positions elsewhere - either for a part-time job or full-time if they can guarantee hours. Gratefully, I got a call back this past week for a position in the bakery of Treasure Island (a upscale grocery store here - although I keep thinking Vegas whenever I say the name). I'll be calling them this coming week to set up an interview and hopefully start soon so I can have a more steady income coming in. Time's are hard, but you do what you gotta do, right? I feel like things are going to work out great though - I figure it's just a matter of time.

I know this may sound a bit strange, but I feel like this whole gap in my work schedule and all this down time is meant to be for my benefit. I don't think I've ever had this much time to be so reflective on life, my ideas, my plans, my beliefs. And, here's the interesting part, I feel like I have something to learn - but I'm not sure what quite yet. Yes, money is tight - and I imagine it will be substantially tighter as the lack of shifts at the Westin progress, but so far, it's worked out. So, we'll see...

Family in Utah is doing great as far as I can tell - I get random updates from my mom throughout the week. She is hilarious - she knows all of my siblings business (and my own, of course) and then takes it upon herself to update everyone of the kids of the others business. That may be the case for most families, but it never ceases to crack me up. It's to the point that whenever I talk to my brother or sisters, we can pick up our conversation without doing catching up.
Side Story: For Valentines Day, I wanted to get Scott flowers, but flowers die and Scott is more horticultural than most people I know - so I figured we should get a plant for the apartment. We ended up going to Lowe's to do our plant searching and it was the exact same layout as the one in Utah that Scott and I would go to when we lived downtown. I guess we were in there for a while because when we went outside again, I expected the large Wal-mart on 1300 South to be across the street. When it finally clicked that I was in Chicago, I felt like I'd been sucker punched with homesickness. Moments like that don't happen very often so it took me a bit off guard (and I was fine soon after), but there are still moments I miss being in Salt Lake City - the closeness to family, the familiarity, etc.
So - circling back around, I appreciate my dear mom. She keeps me so up-to-date with how everything is, I almost feel like I'm there. I don't talk much to my siblings - my sister is a mother of 6; my other sister is a mother of 3 and has extra demands with Sadie's condition; and my brother and his wife both work full-time and raise 2 kids - so their lives are all incredibly busy. But I miss them all terribly. I can't say that I'd see them any more than I do now if I was back in Utah with how hectic our lives can all be, but the emotion is still there.

Anyway, yesterday was Valentines Day - and I'll admit, I've always been one of those people who despise the day. If not for anything else, for the blatant commercialism and the expectation that you need to buy things for the one you love to prove you love them. That being said, I think Scott and I went a little overboard this year with Valentines - he gave me some great gifts, including a new Walkman MP3 player - I gave him some gifts, we made breakfast together, I met him downtown after his shift with a rose (so everyone would know that the hot guy working at the Gap is taken...), he made some delicious alfredo with scallops, I made a red-velvet cake with cinnamon buttercream frosting and we watched a romantic gay comedy (naturally). So - while I had never been a fan of Valentines before, I have been converted to the idea that a day of love is worth indulging in. Especially when I have someone who, after two years, still makes me smile for no reason at all and my heart jump.

To close, I wanted to share a few pictures from a couple runs I did around the city. Lately, I've discovered the thrill of running in cold weather. It sounds so strange, but it is so exhilarating to run in snow and be motivated by nothing else but the fact you need to move or freeze. So, that being said, these pictures were taken from my camera phone and are from two different runs and two different areas along the coast of Lake Michigan.

Facebook

Today is the first day off I've had in about 7 days. Needless to say, I've done a lot of nothing. Ok, I take that back. I did about 5 loads of laundry - but how hard is it to put clothes in a machine and walk away? Seriously. I did spend a lot of time online for many different purposes - work related, downloading music, researching different things, etc. But one thing that has stuck out in my mind today is Facebook. I didn't realize how many people have a facebook account - which is actually a very fascinating thing to me. I've found in my life that I am very much like a book. I feel that there have been many chapters in my life and feel I'll have many more - but I find that when I move to a new chapter in my life (now for instance is Chicago) I leave the previous chapters behind - thinking of them fondly, but leaving them in the past. With Facebook, however, I have friends from (literally) every chapter in my life. Old friends I grew up with, members of the ward I grew up in, people from middle and high school, people from the mission, when I lived in Las Vegas, people here in Chicago - I feel like every chapter in my life has suddenly mashed into one. I no longer wonder what people have been up to over the past 10 years because I get a constant news feed on them. I'm not sure yet if I consider this a good thing or a bad thing... I always felt like my life had a sense of mystery - as though every person I knew had a piece of the puzzle of who I am, but didn't know me completely. Now most all of the people who holds these pieces are together in one spot and I feel... open? naked? not mysterious at all? I'm not sure what word or description I'm looking for, but it's just a bazaar feeling. Am I the only one who feels this? Odds are that anyone who reads this has a facebook account - is it just weird for you to have so many people from your past in your present?

reflections on friendships

There is a stretch of road while I drive to work that runs through a wooded park... I was on my home today and realized what an array of color there was in the trees - I love autumn... It's nice to see everything so rustic and colorful - and also nice to have it a little cooler. Word from my family says that Utah has seen snow a couple times already - thank godfully, I have not. I still have time to enjoy the scenery for a few more weeks.

Work is busy - hence, my lack of writing. I've also been doing quite a bit of self-reflection lately - Hell, I always do - but this has involved thinking about my past, experiences with school, experiences with friends, relationships I've built - some I've held on to and some I've let slip away. I don't know if you guys have gotten that e-mail that puts friendships in terms or being there for a reason, a season, or lifetime friends... I know I've gotten it at least 5 times - if you haven't, let me know and I'll send it to you. Anyway, I haven't read the e-mail for a while, but randomly at work, the words popped in my mind and I got thinking about my friendships that I've had throughout my life. I feel that I have been an unconditional friend to many and there have been quite a few who have taken advantage of that. But more importantly, there are an incredible few that have been completely unconditional in return. Then I thought of those who were in my life for a reason and haven't been in my life since. Then I thought of those friends who were in my life through different stages - in high school, or on my mission, or in Las Vegas. And while I think of these friends fondly, I really don't expect them to call me and I have no intention on calling them. Long story short, I ended up deleting my myspace account because I had a giant list of friends who, while I love and have experienced so much with, were there for a specific reason in my life or at a time in my life that I've evolved from. For example, I have some dear friends who I met while I was a missionary - and for a while I did all I could to keep in contact... but as I have changed from a faithful LDS missionary to a pastry chef living with his boyfriend in Chicago, I found I don't have the connection I once did. I'm just not sure anymore if I should make a strong effort to keep something alive that I no longer really recognize... Any thoughts?

For some reason I can't explain...

Today was not a good day. Let's be honest... I walked into the bakery this morning and worked literally non-stop from 10:00 until 6:45... without lunches or breaks... We were understaffed and one of my employees didn't show up or call... My new baker ruined hundreds of dollars worth of product... Orders were forgotten and we didn't realize it until the person came to pick their order up... Our health inspector visited... It was basically one of those days where if things could go wrong, they did (and to the extreme).

Ironically, I heard from friends that I haven't heard from for a while - One of my best friends from Las Vegas called to tell me she was getting married next year and wanted me to do her wedding cake; One of my other friends called to say HI - I haven't seen her for over a year; I got an e-mail from one of my other friends whom I haven't seen for over a year... It was as though they knew that I needed something - anything - to pick me up a little bit.

With that in mind, I was on my way home from work on I-15 northbound and the traffic stopped. Literally. I was creeping along and I noticed 9000 South was coming up - the exit I would normally take to go to my moms house. I had already called Scott to tell him I'd be late because of the traffic, so I decided to take this traffic as a sign to get off on this exit and visit my mom real quick and then try to take side streets to Scott's work to pick him up. So I did - Interestingly, my sister Tiffany (and her girls) and my brother and his family were there. It turns out that Sadie had an MRI today and the news wasn't good. It seems as though the tumor has grown tremendously over the past few weeks - which has been causing more pressure in her head and giving her double-vision... And it was strange how insignificant my horrible day seemed. In fact, although I wrote details of it just a few minutes ago, they seem so small that I don't even recall everything that even happened - because it doesn't matter.

I don't know what to think (again) and I don't quite know how to respond (again) - but all I know is that my heart feels very heavy and I have a lump in my throat that seems to stay locked in place every time I swallow. I've been so caught up in the move and in my last few weeks at work and finding an apartment and finding a job and getting things packed and trying to get together with friends and family just one last time and canceling memberships and services... that my reality overshadowed a much more significant reality. It's just strange how things seemed so normal for just a little bit and I fell into that comfort for the time being.

The thing I learned from today? I'm grateful for intuition and for coincidence - my own and those around me. It's funny how such a horrible day at work brought so many calls from friends and it's funny how a traffic jam brought my family together for just a little while when we needed each other most.