Summer 2010

The past few months (also known as 'Summer') have come and gone incredibly quick. The only things I have to show for it are some great lessons learned from the school of hard knocks while I was at work, a sweet farmers tan from training for the Chicago Marathon while running outside and a couple of blog posts that were started and never saw the light of day. For the hard knocks lessons, you can visit my other blog here. As far as my farmers tan, I don't even want to look at it myself, let alone show you. But alas, the unfinished blog entries, I can definitely share. Here is one that I started on July 28th, which then moves in to a blog I started on June 25th:

I don't know where this summer has gone - I'm looking back on July alone and it is literally a blur. I suppose that is what happens when time is spent being incredibly involved in work (large parties, wedding cakes, wedding planning - and especially research for the new menu in my off time) along with training for the marathon in October, tennis every week - as well as a unexpected social life with new and old friends. It's been busier than I anticipated and I'm finding myself a little shocked that Scott just got home a few days ago.

The last paragraph was incredibly condensed. Let me elaborate somewhat... June held some incredibly emotional times. Namely, the 25th was the one year mark of Sadie's passing... which, I'm not going to lie, threw me into a funk. I started to write a blog about it, but never finished... here's what I did write.

(This is where the entry from June 25th picks up)

Today marks one year since my niece Sadie passed away... and while I am resisting the urge to talk about the memories and emotions that made me a hot mess today, I want to focus on something I realized today. The reason I am back here in Chicago, living my dream is because of Sadie's example. If it wasn't for her passion for living life to the fullest, I honestly don't think I'd have been proactive as I was to apply for the position I am currently in. It was a form of inspiration to reconnect with a contact (my boss, now) and the chance in a lifetime that my dream job opened up that next week. I pursued it with all my energy and intent... and I got it. I remember during the application process and the interviews, I thought of Sadie taking advantage of time to do the things she wanted to do, and that gave me the extra drive to make my dreams happen.
That is just one of many reasons that she inspired and influenced me then... and still does to this day - I know for a fact there are countless other people who share that sentiment.
It was actually a very special moment for me today to be able to have some time to sit and reflect on Sadie's short but fulfilling life. To aide in that process, I pulled out an audio copy of Sadie's funeral service that my sister gave me right before I moved back to Chicago. I listened to the music that was played and words spoken, and while tears were steadily flowing, I couldn't help but feel overjoyed. My sister and her husband did such an incredible job with the organization of the program, because it truly was a celebration of Sadie's life (and her love of it) while she was here. And I guess that's the positive message I've been trying to pull from today - Enjoying life while you have it and living it to the fullest. My sister did an amazing job in her talk, telling memories, playing clips of Sadie singing and laughing, telling about her favorite things, way and examples she showed her love.... truly special.
I thought of her all day today but I couldn't help but feel her with me when I was icing and decorating a wedding cake. That may sound strange, but knowing Sadie's love of baking (and her attention to detail and decoration), it was a special moment for me to do something I know she loved, especially on a day when she was constantly on my mind.
I realize this post is a bit all over the place, but I couldn't let the day go by without acknowledging Sadie and her memory today. I miss her so much and still look up to her and her example.

(The entry then picks back up when I wrote on July 28th)

My birthday was the next day an I ended up working a 13 hour shift - it was actually a unique experience because we had 2 wedding cakes to prepare and set-up, in addition to a celebrity event that was being held at the hotel. The event was called Rally for Kids which is an organization set up for kids with cancer. The idea behind the even was that the celebrities would be driving super expensive cars and do a scavenger hunt all over the city of Chicago. The scavenger hunt itself was not just picking up items, but doing tasks along the way - and our task at the hotel was to have the celebrities build a 2-layer cake in 12 minutes (including the icing, filling and decoration). The first task was that they needed to whip their whipping cream for the filling until it was stiff enough - and they got bonus points if they were brave enough to flip the bowl of whipped cream over and hold it over their heads for a couple of seconds. My personal task was to judge the whipped cream station for the bonus points and every single celebrity went for it. They all were able to do it, although one group flung the bowl over their head so fast that the bowl flew out of their hands. It landed on the floor and shot the whipped cream all over the front of my pants and the floor around me - luckily enough stayed in the bowl so that the lady could still fill her cake.
All in all, it was a fun event to be a part of - and the cakes the celebrities made generally looked awful.

(I wish I had pictures of that event - but since most of the celebrities were... well, celebrities - it would've looked tacky on a personal level and bad, as an employee of Marriott, to snap a few pictures. Rest assured, it was hilarious. E! News anchor Giuliana DePandi and Apprentice winner Bill Rancic were filming there for their reality show, so there's the possibility that you'll get to see the action eventually. I did have to sign a release after they left, so apparently I'm in a few of the shots - We'll see...)

Finally, this blog was started on August 3:

Tonight I was able to go to the Wellness House to teach a class about antioxidants. We had a small lecture about what antioxidants are, and then we rolled out sweet dough to make fruit tarts. While the tart shells were baking, we played a matching game about what fruits paired with what antioxidants and then we all shared our answers. Following that, I had a little demo of how to build a fruit tart and then they all decorated their own tarts (and consumed them quickly) It was such a great night - and it was such a great experience to be able to work with these families who are facing such a hard event in their lives. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but it's interesting volunteering there because you go in there knowing that someone in this family - whether it be a dad, mom, grandparent, or one of the children - is battling cancer, they at least have this one night to be around people who are facing similar situations and be able to have that support... and simply have fun and enjoy themselves. It humbles me every time I'm there.

Along the same lines, I recently had an incredible pleasure to meet the Watters family who live in a nearby suburb of Chicago. The youngest member of the Watters family, Benny, is battling the same cancer that Sadie faced. He was diagnosed in January of 2009, and is clearly beating the odds with his battle. I found out about this family through my sister (who is part of a great support of families who have faced similar battles with DIPG) and I contacted them saying where I work and asked if they ever wanted to come and visit, it'd be great to do a fun pastry project together or something. Well, after some correspondence and arranging of schedules, we were able to meet up at the hotel. I took them on a little tour of the hotel (the rooftop garden, the bees and the pastry shop), then they decorated cupcakes in the pastry shop and snacked on some delicious snacks. All the while, I was able to get to know them better and instantly felt such love and respect for them. We are already planning another cupcake event soon at their home. Here are a few pictures:


Suffice to say, it's been a great summer. While it has gone fast, it has been memorable beyond anything I could've hoped for. Work is going well... now. There was a small chunk of time there where I was struggling with meeting the expectations of my boss, and quite honestly, of myself. But as all lessons in life, I was able to work through it and was able to learn from the negative experiences to become more productive, effective and successful.

Regarding the training for the marathon, it's going quite fantastic. I have a time goal of 4:20:00 and I feel really optimistic that I'm going to be able to do that. My long runs have reached up to 25 miles and I am able to run home from work (which is roughly 9 miles) feeling really good. The marathon is coming up here in a few weeks (October 10) - so it's finally becoming a reality that this is really happening soon. I mentioned in an earlier blog about my new goal of 50 marathons in 50 states before I turn 50... well, my boss at work found out about that and is dedicated to trying to help me achieve this goal ASAP. She'll be in her office and call me in, with a serious tone. I am concerned when I go in, thinking I messed something up unknowingly, but she hands me a printout of a marathon in a neighboring state and says I should run that one to knock that state out of the way. Its nice to have that support at work for personal goals... I feel very lucky often to be working where I am.

Scott is back from his summer program - things were a little rocky for him coming back to a very open schedule after his intense schooling and going right into a summer program that worked him 6 days a week with ridiculous hours. As I'm sure any of us would agree, too much free time is not a good thing and Scott instantly felt desire to work. Unfortunately, the job market is still awful in Chicago and he was having a hard time finding any work, despite his qualifications, schooling and persistence in applying for any (and every) job that he could imagine doing. Gratefully, his choir job with the Chicago Symphony Orchestra began recently and his choir job at church will begin shortly - in addition to another job he got recently. So all in all, things are working out well. He was able to make some incredible contacts during the summer in Princeton and I wouldn't be surprised if by early next year, his professional career is incredibly busy. I have no doubt in my mind he's going to be wildly successful - and I don't just say that because I'm his partner and am madly in love with him - he is the type of person that has that drive to make his dreams a reality and nothing is going to come in the way of that. His voice is gorgeous, he is gorgeous and it's only a matter of time before he's performing all over the world. (You heard it here first, people.) Seriously. He's incredible. So... for now, it's great to have him home. But I am excited for him to go out there and fulfill his passion... his auditions for various programs/companies are coming up quickly, so it'll be exciting to see what happens and where he'll be going next.

What else... On a personal level, I've been feeling more of a drive to get in touch with my spirituality and relationship with God. I had a neat experience with one of my best friends recently when we were out to dinner. We were talking religion and spirituality and I was explaining my frustration with religion and how I'm not able to get out of religion what I desire. One thing I loved about the LDS church that I miss is the fact that there was 2/3 of the services devoted to teaching of doctrine and principles of the church. I miss learning about spirituality. I miss learning doctrine. I miss pulling out scriptures and referencing articles and taking notes. (Am I the only one who did this?!?!) I miss that aspect of my spirituality and I don't feel I've gotten it from any church I've been to since. Let me be clear in saying that I don't miss the LDS church - really. But I do miss learning and getting something out of lessons/sermons/etc. I was explaining to my friend how fluffy the church Scott and I go to is - the sermons are 'feel-good' types of sermons with 'Love everyone' mingled with cultural references so the congregation can relate in a very modern way. I can't stand it. I attempted every time I was there to get something out of it and all I heard was ethical babble about doing good - which is fine for some people, but I expect more for myself. So I told him that where I go to church now, God is fluffy. He has rainbows and puppies and everyone is great no matter what. My friend is actually studying to become a priest in the Catholic church, but has a background in Judaism, Mormonism, and even Wicca, among others - so this man knows spirituality... which is one great reason we get along so well. He asked me questions about what I expect of my spirituality and if I think I can get it from religion... Well, unknown to us, the table next to us was eves dropping on our conversation and as they got up to leave, one of the men handed me a slip of paper and said 'I think you might need this book. Good luck.' I opened the slip of paper and it said the title of a book called The Discernment of Spirits (by Timothy M. Gallagher). I don't believe in coincidences and I certainly am open to anyone who might have a suggestion on what I can do to help my spirituality, so I took this as a kind sign from a kind stranger and I ordered the book. I'm currently in the process of reading it now - it's a heavy book (and I don't mean the weight) - but it's an interesting idea that you can discern what comes from God by your feelings. If you hear something and you feel peaceful and happy with what you hear, then it comes from God. If you feel doubt or questioning or have a hard time thinking, then it comes from another source that is not of God. This definitely sounds more simple than how it's presented in the book, and maybe it really is that simple at the root of it all, but I think it's going to be a great tool as I learn more about this discernment of spirits and as I discover my spirituality more.

At any rate, this novel must come to a close - I have coffee in the morning with a dear friend and I still have miles to go before I sleep. Until next time.

It's Oh So Quiet

The apartment is so quiet right now. I guess I've grown accustom to hearing Scott listening to opera scenes on youtube or hearing him perfecting a piece that he's learning for one of his upcoming roles. But he is in transit to Princeton, New Jersey for the next two months for a summer program. I know he's going to be incredibly busy and I know I am going to be incredibly busy with my work - but here I am at day one and I already miss hearing him in the other room. It's something I'm sure I will get used to over time - The opera world seems to be incredibly transient with going from place to place for weeks to months at a time. I should've prefaced that with a "If you're good, the opera world seems to be transient"... And Scott is. He may be just starting out his professional career, but it's only a matter of time before he is singing all over the world, selling out opera theaters, getting standing ovations and such. I'll look back on this time and think "Wow. I had a hard time with him being gone for two months? Bitch, please." or something along those lines. Above it all, however, I am so proud of him. I have no doubt he's going to do (and be) amazing.

Aside from that, I had the entire day off - to myself. This past month was insane with looking for a new apartment, Scott's recital, Scott's graduation, people visiting from town every weekend for 4 weeks straight, wedding cakes and prom events at the hotel, being sick for a good 2 weeks (thanks to allergies I didn't know I had) - I feel like I've hardly had time to sit and breathe - and suddenly, there is a calm silence in the apartment and I can't help but feel like I should be running somewhere or doing something specific. But instead, after an emotional goodbye early this morning, I went back to sleep (and slept in), I took time making breakfast, I did yoga, went for an hour run along Lakeshore Drive, spend some time with kitty - just took time to enjoy myself again. I have plans this evening to research some things for a project at work, as well as research for my new blog www.pastrymelioration.blogspot.com. This blog was created with the thought that I fully intend to take my career to the next level and learn all I can to be the best - because, let's be real, it's inevitable that I'm going to be incredibly successful. I look quiet and soft-spoken, but I am ambitious and determined to constantly be better than I am. So, with that in mind, I realized recently that there are things in my career I need to work on, and I'm going to track those goals, lessons, and thoughts on that blog. Read it if you'd like, shout out some ideas/comments from time to time and we'll all have a splendid time learning something together.

All in all, the update is this: Things are going really well. I am getting back into my marathon training (there was a decent pause due to... well... the month of May [see previous paragraph]); the career is going incredibly well, especially with the wedding season already in full swing; We (Scott, myself and our roommate Jess) renewed our lease and are staying in our apartment for another year (thus, eliminating the stress of moving); Truly, I expect some great things to happen this summer.

One thing that was incredible (that I unfortunately missed due to being here in Chicago) was a golf tournament/silent auction that T and Zac set up in honor of Sadie, that benefitted 'The Cure Starts Now' chapter in Utah. The updates that I've been seeing from Sadies blog (sadiehuish.blogspot.com) as well as T's facebook have been showing that the event was a huge success. It is so exciting to hear about.

June is bound to be a very special/emotional month - I do look back on memories from last year fondly, but it was just such an awful situation to be going through and my heart aches when I think of Sadie being gone for an entire year. It is still so unbelieveable. One of many things I gained from being back in Utah last year was being grateful for each moment and taking advantage of it - that has definitely played heavily into my daily life.

More updates are sure to follow - especially with all this extra free time on my hands. :)

Back home.

It's been nearly a week since I moved back to Chicago. I'm a little surprised how easily it was for me to be adjusted to living back in Chicago and getting accustomed to life here. It feels natural to wake up next to Scott, to have a whiny cat meowing at me for no reason, to walk to the train station to head downtown, to run along the trails near Lake Shore Boulevard and to bake random things in my kitchen. This truly feels like home. That being said, I find myself missing aspects of Utah - mainly things I did frequently, like random visits at family members houses, spending quality time with family and friends - but since I took advantage of those things while I was in Utah, I don't feel I missed out in any way. I have nothing but great memories to look back on - bittersweet in many aspects, but definitely great.

In regard to work, I had to take a drug test on Wednesday (I passed), had orientation on Friday, then started work on Saturday. I feel like it will take some getting used to - but that is the case with any job. I know how to do many of the tasks required of me, but knowing how it's supposed to be done specifically at the Marriott is the tricky thing. I'm sure I'll get the hang of things soon and am really excited to get to that point where I can work an entire day without asking what is expected of me or if there is something else I should be doing. Luckily, the crew I work with is incredibly helpful and so easy to get along with. I can tell there is a strong sense of trust and unity among them, which makes it all the more exciting to be involved in that type of environment. Overall though, I love it already. I imagine things will continue to get better as the days progress.

All in all, being back in Chicago is going very well. It is hard to be away from family and close friends, but knowing that I have their support - and given the fact that we all have phones, texting, e-mailing, etc. makes the distance seem, well... not so distant. I do find, however, that at random moments I miss Sadie terribly. Today Scott was playing Mika while he was making dinner and the song Any Other World came on. Unknown to nearly anyone, I played that song repeatedly before and after Sadie's passing - and haven't played it since. Hearing it today brought back the raw emotion and I wasn't ready for it. I feel bad in some aspect because Scott knew something was wrong, but I couldn't really express how it felt then and how it feels now. I feel like I'm walking around with a large wound that is healing incredibly slow and from time to time something hits me that makes me start to bleed again. And I find there's nothing I can do but let it bleed until it stops - and then I'll continue on.

With that in mind, and given the experience I had while in Utah, I really want to become actively involved with helping organizations associated with childhood cancers - I still need to do research to what type of organizations are out here in Chicago. When I look back on all the support, love and selflessness from the community during Sadie's battle, it makes me want to help in any way I can for other families facing similar situations.

All in all, I have very high expectations of myself here in Chicago - just because I was able to obtain my dream job doesn't mean the dreaming and reaching for goals will ever stop. I expect some great things to happen...

A life lesson

The desire to express my emotion through writing comes at the strangest moments - when I'm driving to work, while I'm running - usually never when I'm sitting in my room with nothing pressing to take care of. As luck would have it, I am in my room tonight with nothing pressing to take care of and I felt the need to write. I am jumping at the chance.

My last entry was a couple of weeks ago in anticipation for my visit back to Chicago to see Scott for his birthday. It was an amazing trip - it was so great to be with Scott, simply being together doing the everyday things we would normally do. I had a tremendously hard time coming back - in the last few hours we were together (and hours preceding), tears fell consistently and I wondered what might happen if I 'accidentally' missed my plane.

Well, the weeks since that trip have been short, but the tears have continued to fall for different reasons. If you are reading my blog, I can almost certainly wager you have been visiting my sisters blog as well. It is heartbreaking to read her words and to know what she and that beautiful family are going through. I tend to read her entries and feel like this experience is a gut-wrenching story that has no connection to me whatsoever. Like it's simply one of those Lifetime stories you allow yourself to cry with while you watch it and then the T.V. turns off afterward and you move on. But the truth of the matter is that this is my niece who is dying and this is my sister who is facing a situation no parent should ever have to face.

I've been trying to go over there when I can to at least help out with Olivia and Sam so that T and Zac can focus more attention on Sadie and her needs. The one thing I can say about ours and Zacs family that I truly admire is that no matter how much Sadie's condition regresses, our family adapts to those changes and works through them - still knowing that Sadie is just as intelligent and gifted as always. The same goes for Sadie - no matter what physical challenges she faces, she still smiles and laughs and meets those challenges head on. It is inspiring.

Recently, I've been talking to my friend Caitlin what I've been feeling and I told her how work, while draining me physically, has been a perfect distraction from the situation my family is facing and me being away from Scott. She replied by telling me Harmon's is a big building called Denial. I laughed - but agreed. Since then however, I've noticed a parallel between the lives of those around me lately at work. Here are a few examples of situations that my co-workers have faced recently:
Surgery to remove prostate cancer; the death of a father to Alzheimers Disease; the death of a boyfriend, whom my co-worker had been dating for over a year; the death of a brother-in-law to colon cancer. And while all of these situations are completely horrible, they have all learned from these situations and have shared their wisdom to me - whether they realize it or not. Mainly, to truly live life while you have it; to take time to own your emotions, no matter what it is; to love those you care about unconditionally while you have them in your lives; and to remember the achievements of ones life, not focus on their death. I know that just looking at these people on the surface, you'd never have imagined these challenges they've faced - But they are making it through. And as much as I can't comprehend what the next few weeks may hold, I hope I'm able to follow the examples of those people during this difficult time.

Probably just time for bed...

It's been a few days since I've written last. I'm getting a little anxious from waiting to hear back from Harmon's about the bakery management position and am still deciding if I'm considering it a lost cause. At any rate, I have just opened a bottle of delicious French red wine and am sipping it slowly as I think of what I want to say, what I plan for my immediate future and why the hell I am even in Utah.
Not to say that I haven't enjoyed being in Utah immensely so far - I've reconnected with some of my closest friends and have been able to spend some quality time with family members (not counting those of whom have been touched with the flu). I see random coincidences on a daily basis that reconfirm that I'm where I should be--- Take for instance the way I was trying to kill some time by running to Barnes and Noble to get an Italian dictionary for my language studying and the man ringing my purchase up ended up being my dad's cousin. Or the way that my computer crashed and one of my best friends (who I was planning on hanging out with that night anyway) ended up being a computer whiz (unknown to me until that point) and saved me hundreds of dollars by installing new programs and new memory in my computer for free. It's been too bizarre. I think I've needed those moments because I find myself waking up on a daily basis without Scott next to me and without the sounds of my needy cats outside the bedroom door and my heart sinks a little bit as I wonder 'why?'.
It's no surprise to anyone that I've been missing Scott terribly. I don't know where I thought it in my mind that I felt I was being overbearing with contacting Scott through calls, texts or messages on facebook, so I worried that I should be giving him space. That created a bit of a conflict because it ended up that Scott and I missed each others calls and didn't end up talking for 2 days. Scott was understandably upset and I felt like a jackass because I created drama in my mind that didn't even exist. Today we talked for a while about everything and came to an understanding about communication and our expectations. It's rough for us because we have never been in a relationship with anyone as long as we have been with each other and we've never had positive experiences with long distance relationships. So this is new territory and we are learning as we go along. That being said, I feel confident in our relationship and I think if anyone can make this type of situation work, it's us. I love that man so much. I don't know what he did to me, but I am completely head over heels. I'm glad in a way that we had this conflict so early into this long distance period so we were able to learn how to continue to improve our relationship and keep the deep connection we shared when we were living together. Still, I can't wait to see his face again.
At any rate, I'm very pleased to report that my niece is doing very well - so well in fact, that she constantly puts me to shame on Nintendo Wii and laughs when I lose miserably. I won't lie when I tell you all that I lost sleep at night my last week in Chicago, worrying that I wouldn't make it back in time to see her again. My siblings and mom told me in a very loving way to hurry the hell up because time was short. While it is true that Sadie is not the same girl I saw at Christmas, she is still so full of life, love and creativity. Some of the projects that she creates, the pictures she draws, and the fact that she loves so deeply that she cries out of pure happiness makes me feel so overwhelmingly blessed to be a part of her life. I am so happy that I've been able to spend time with her and my family over this time I've been back.

And that is basically my life up to this point. As for right now, I've taken a break from sipping wine and have resorted to simply swirling it in the glass as I watch the cursor blink in a timely rhythm. I'm not even tipsy from the wine and I've already let my mind fade gently into a blissful lack of concern for any problems I'm facing. Maybe that's a good indicator I've said all I've needed to say. Or perhaps that problems I feel I'm facing aren't worth worrying about. Or perhaps it's just time for bed.

phoenix

I've been slowly getting things together for the move in a few days - trying to know what exactly I need to bring for however long I might be gone. I'm beginning to realize that beside clothes and a few items, I really don't need much. (Of course, I say that now and I'll probably end up with a Dodge Neon full of random things.)
At any rate, I was thinking how incredibly difficult it was for me emotionally to leave Utah and move to Chicago. My family was at a point where we weren't sure what was happening with Sadie and the idea of planning a move across the country during this time seemed incomprehensible. I feared throughout the months prior to the move that something might happen to Sadie while Scott and I were driving to Chicago or that something may happen in the first few weeks I was there. Gratefully, that didn't happen and it was around that time when Sadie was able to do many wonderful things.
The interesting thing I've noticed since moving out here to Chicago is the connection I've felt to my family. I like to think I took advantage of most opportunities to be with my family while I was living in Utah, but there has been an increased spiritual connection while I've been away. (I really can't explain it - perhaps other people who have lived away from home know what I'm talking about.) Also, people who really know me know that I rely heavily on spiritual feelings and impressions anyway, but that has been dramatically increased while being here in Chicago. One thing I've noticed is that I've been having dreams more frequently - very poignant and vivid - to the point that I've been recording them and trying to understand them more fully. There is one in particular that is so close to my heart that I can't usually think long about without getting emotional and I woke up this morning with the feeling to share it. With the idea of Sadie and of time being so precious for my family, I felt it appropriate:

"Jan. 27, 2009-
As the dream began, I remember a small boy with a large bunch of beautiful red balloons. The dream progressed with some random storyline that I can’t quite recall - but every now and then there would be that boy with the balloons. It seemed though that every time I saw him throughout the dream, there were less balloons. At the end of the dream, I was at a stadium of some sort and noticed that the boy was there and only had 3 balloons left. For some reason, he accidentally let go of the remaining balloons and they started to glide through the air. They weren’t just floating up. There was a huge crowd of people at the stadium and it seemed that everyone was just struck by this scene of these beautiful balloons just gliding a few feet above the crowd. One by one, the balloons popped by a few people trying to get rid of them and only one was left. I remember being so outraged that out of all those balloons only one could be left and I was shouting at people trying to make them stop and to just let the balloon do it’s thing. It was so beautiful as it just glided and it seemed that most all of us were just hypnotized by it. The final balloon ended up popping, but as the remnants of the balloon slowly fell down, it slowly changed into a bird - one I recognized in my dream as a phoenix. I don’t think words could describe how breath-taking it was - it looked young and full of life. And instead of the typical idea of what the mythological bird looks like, this bird was similar to pale pink in color, but so vibrant and amazing to look at. As odd as it sounds, it’s a color I know I’ve never seen awake but recognized it instantly when I saw it. Another detail was its eyes - they seemed very defined and confident, yet peaceful. It landed near the crowd and just stood there majestically. As we all stood there, speechless and in awe, another phoenix landed next to the first. At this time, I became a overcome by emotion in the dream and I started to sob uncontrollably because the sight of all this was so beautiful. As I was crying in my dream, I realized that I was dreaming - and as I was waking up, I still couldn’t hold in the emotion and I woke up sobbing."

I know in my heart the meaning behind this dream, but feel the description of it will wait for now. But since this may be the last post I make before I head back to Utah, I ask for your prayers for Sadie and for the Huish family during this time. (And maybe if you have a moment, some prayers for my poor Dodge Neon to make the trip back to Utah.) :)

A little story

It's time for a little story. It's a stunning tale about a young man who had recently moved to a big city with the person he loves beyond words. Times were difficult, but somehow they made it work and life was surprisingly happy through it all. One day, the young man felt a strong desire to go back to the land from which he came from - and he wasn't sure why. So pushing feelings aside, he continued to work whenever he could and lived life the best he knew how. Not too far after, he had a feeling to return to the land from which he came from again. He, being a person who relied heavily on what he felt in his heart, recognized the feeling again and took it more seriously. Despite his recent move to a big city with the person he loved so much, he made preparations to move back to the land where he came from - not knowing exactly why, but feeling strongly that it was right.

Is it an interesting story? I'm trying to see if the situation I'm currently facing makes more sense when I look at it in this light. The story I just explained is something I've been facing over the last month or so. But let me tell you a little bit more.

Truth be told, times are hard. Work at the hotel is sporadic and I've been filling my time with cleaning the apartment, running, reading and baking. Scott has been busy with school and aside from this past weekend where we had the pleasure of entertaining guests at our home, we rarely see each other outside of the evenings when he comes home from school. So when the initial idea of heading home came to my mind, I felt it was more of an escapist idea. It seemed too convenient to go back to Utah where I was making more money, where I was completely comfortable with life, and where I was around family (especially given the time frame with Sadie and her battle with cancer) - so I pushed it out of my mind. Why? Because I feel at home here in Chicago. Scott and I have started our lives from scratch here and while it is difficult, I'm happy with where we are and how we've grown just in the few months we've been here. It's really something quite beautiful and I didn't feel any quick desire to abandon that. So I pushed the feelings to go back to Utah aside. It didn't seem logical.

With my time off of work, I've been trying to develop myself spiritually. I've felt that it is something that I've been lacking lately, so I had been researching and studying scripture, meditating and praying, trying to develop a greater relationship with God, trying to understand chakras further, trying to be more in tune to my higher self, and I've even been reading quite a bit on animal guides and Shamanism. So with that in mind, when the feeling to go back to Utah came again a few weeks later, I listened to it more thoroughly. I began to think about stories in the Bible where God was calling various people and how they either listened right away or if it took a few different calls for them to take notice. I wondered if this could be similar. It posed the question - If God called on me would I recognize it? Truth be told, it scared me to think of heading back to Utah. When I sat down and really thought about it, I didn't want to. I didn't want to leave Scott behind with the life we had created here in Chicago.

So I called a dear friend who I relate to in many different ways - one of which is spiritually. She asked me questions trying to dive further into what the reasoning might be for going back to Utah, offered suggestions, words of encouragement and told me to meditate about it. So I did and felt very strongly that it is something I should do. I think the most interesting thing about all this is how incredibly understanding everyone had been about this. Scott is completely supportive (despite the fact that I don't know how long I'll be there) and is planning on helping me drive across the country back to Utah. My brother and his beautiful wife and family have offered a place for me to stay while I'm there and my work here in Chicago expressed their support for me to do what I need to do and guarantees me a job there again when I return. I think the fact that the support for me in this execution of the moving back to Utah is a sign in itself that it's what I should be doing.

So despite that plans are set to go (I should be back in Utah by March 16), I still feel a deep pit in my stomach at the thought of leaving Scott for an extended period of time. It's been such a great experience to be in a city on our own and to grow together. I really feel that our relationship has been strengthened tremendously by our choice to move here to Chicago and the idea of leaving, even for just a little while, is so hard to think about. So while I realize that we still have two weeks together before I leave, I've found that little kisses when he gets home or sleeping next to him at night mean so much more.

Also, those who know me and my family well may realize that yesterday was the year mark of Sadie's diagnosis - I strongly urge you to check out the entry my sister did on Sadie's blog (link on the side). Her strength is so amazing that it brings me to tears. As for me and my words, I have nothing profound to say. I only know that seeing my niece defy odds and to see her live her life with purpose despite her struggles gives me such strength and faith. Not only her, but to see my sister, someone whom I have always looked up to in so many different ways, battle this situation with such courage, strength and love is inspiring. They have taught me to live life more fully and to not take any moment, no matter how large or small, for granted.

So, that is my story for now. A work in progress, if you will...

Mara Adams

Yesterday I heard news from my Mom that Mara Adams, my niece Sadie's friend and fellow fighter of DIPG, passed away. I don't think I can express how much I despise the disease that my niece is fighting and Mara bravely fought. Profane words aren't powerful enough to express the anger and tears shed aren't enough to express the gut wrenching pain. It hits hard for me because, although I didn't know their family personally, I know what their family is going through. Being hundreds of miles away, I rely solely on communication through phone or internet simply because there is no way to be there physically... so I tend to hide in my work or keep myself busy to stay distracted. Such was the case yesterday when I heard the news of Mara. Tonight, however, I looked at Mara's blog which gave an account of her heroic battle with DIPG and I came across a picture that was taken a few weeks ago. It shows Mara at the hospital, smiling. She had just written on a chalkboard simply, 'Mara was here'. It made me smile... And for some reason, I was alright with everything. It's so amazing to me that these small children, who are dealt such a difficult card in their life are able to learn to live with their struggle without complaining and still enjoy life to the fullest. And with wonderful organizations like the Make-A-Wish Foundation and other countless organizations, fundraisers and community involvement, these kids bring hundreds of people together in the act of love and service. These kids live more and accomplish such a great deal in their short 5 or 6 years than many people do who live a long healthy life. To Sadie, Mara and many other countless kids who are or have faced this battle, thank you for giving me someone to truly look up to.

Art Extravaganza!

So - here is the internet premiere of my most recent piece of art. I like to refer to it as 'energy' although an official name hasn't been decided just yet.


I've already hung it on my wall next to my niece's painting...


For those of you who don't know, Sadie painted me a picture and gave it to me before I left for Chicago. I consider it a masterpiece and cherish it completely. I don't know if Sadie had a name for it, but I like to think of it as 'Paradise'. From the eyes and incredible talents of that amazing 5 year old, I wouldn't be surprised if it was.

Anyway, today is art day on my blog. Enjoy!

For some reason I can't explain...

Today was not a good day. Let's be honest... I walked into the bakery this morning and worked literally non-stop from 10:00 until 6:45... without lunches or breaks... We were understaffed and one of my employees didn't show up or call... My new baker ruined hundreds of dollars worth of product... Orders were forgotten and we didn't realize it until the person came to pick their order up... Our health inspector visited... It was basically one of those days where if things could go wrong, they did (and to the extreme).

Ironically, I heard from friends that I haven't heard from for a while - One of my best friends from Las Vegas called to tell me she was getting married next year and wanted me to do her wedding cake; One of my other friends called to say HI - I haven't seen her for over a year; I got an e-mail from one of my other friends whom I haven't seen for over a year... It was as though they knew that I needed something - anything - to pick me up a little bit.

With that in mind, I was on my way home from work on I-15 northbound and the traffic stopped. Literally. I was creeping along and I noticed 9000 South was coming up - the exit I would normally take to go to my moms house. I had already called Scott to tell him I'd be late because of the traffic, so I decided to take this traffic as a sign to get off on this exit and visit my mom real quick and then try to take side streets to Scott's work to pick him up. So I did - Interestingly, my sister Tiffany (and her girls) and my brother and his family were there. It turns out that Sadie had an MRI today and the news wasn't good. It seems as though the tumor has grown tremendously over the past few weeks - which has been causing more pressure in her head and giving her double-vision... And it was strange how insignificant my horrible day seemed. In fact, although I wrote details of it just a few minutes ago, they seem so small that I don't even recall everything that even happened - because it doesn't matter.

I don't know what to think (again) and I don't quite know how to respond (again) - but all I know is that my heart feels very heavy and I have a lump in my throat that seems to stay locked in place every time I swallow. I've been so caught up in the move and in my last few weeks at work and finding an apartment and finding a job and getting things packed and trying to get together with friends and family just one last time and canceling memberships and services... that my reality overshadowed a much more significant reality. It's just strange how things seemed so normal for just a little bit and I fell into that comfort for the time being.

The thing I learned from today? I'm grateful for intuition and for coincidence - my own and those around me. It's funny how such a horrible day at work brought so many calls from friends and it's funny how a traffic jam brought my family together for just a little while when we needed each other most.