Summer 2010

The past few months (also known as 'Summer') have come and gone incredibly quick. The only things I have to show for it are some great lessons learned from the school of hard knocks while I was at work, a sweet farmers tan from training for the Chicago Marathon while running outside and a couple of blog posts that were started and never saw the light of day. For the hard knocks lessons, you can visit my other blog here. As far as my farmers tan, I don't even want to look at it myself, let alone show you. But alas, the unfinished blog entries, I can definitely share. Here is one that I started on July 28th, which then moves in to a blog I started on June 25th:

I don't know where this summer has gone - I'm looking back on July alone and it is literally a blur. I suppose that is what happens when time is spent being incredibly involved in work (large parties, wedding cakes, wedding planning - and especially research for the new menu in my off time) along with training for the marathon in October, tennis every week - as well as a unexpected social life with new and old friends. It's been busier than I anticipated and I'm finding myself a little shocked that Scott just got home a few days ago.

The last paragraph was incredibly condensed. Let me elaborate somewhat... June held some incredibly emotional times. Namely, the 25th was the one year mark of Sadie's passing... which, I'm not going to lie, threw me into a funk. I started to write a blog about it, but never finished... here's what I did write.

(This is where the entry from June 25th picks up)

Today marks one year since my niece Sadie passed away... and while I am resisting the urge to talk about the memories and emotions that made me a hot mess today, I want to focus on something I realized today. The reason I am back here in Chicago, living my dream is because of Sadie's example. If it wasn't for her passion for living life to the fullest, I honestly don't think I'd have been proactive as I was to apply for the position I am currently in. It was a form of inspiration to reconnect with a contact (my boss, now) and the chance in a lifetime that my dream job opened up that next week. I pursued it with all my energy and intent... and I got it. I remember during the application process and the interviews, I thought of Sadie taking advantage of time to do the things she wanted to do, and that gave me the extra drive to make my dreams happen.
That is just one of many reasons that she inspired and influenced me then... and still does to this day - I know for a fact there are countless other people who share that sentiment.
It was actually a very special moment for me today to be able to have some time to sit and reflect on Sadie's short but fulfilling life. To aide in that process, I pulled out an audio copy of Sadie's funeral service that my sister gave me right before I moved back to Chicago. I listened to the music that was played and words spoken, and while tears were steadily flowing, I couldn't help but feel overjoyed. My sister and her husband did such an incredible job with the organization of the program, because it truly was a celebration of Sadie's life (and her love of it) while she was here. And I guess that's the positive message I've been trying to pull from today - Enjoying life while you have it and living it to the fullest. My sister did an amazing job in her talk, telling memories, playing clips of Sadie singing and laughing, telling about her favorite things, way and examples she showed her love.... truly special.
I thought of her all day today but I couldn't help but feel her with me when I was icing and decorating a wedding cake. That may sound strange, but knowing Sadie's love of baking (and her attention to detail and decoration), it was a special moment for me to do something I know she loved, especially on a day when she was constantly on my mind.
I realize this post is a bit all over the place, but I couldn't let the day go by without acknowledging Sadie and her memory today. I miss her so much and still look up to her and her example.

(The entry then picks back up when I wrote on July 28th)

My birthday was the next day an I ended up working a 13 hour shift - it was actually a unique experience because we had 2 wedding cakes to prepare and set-up, in addition to a celebrity event that was being held at the hotel. The event was called Rally for Kids which is an organization set up for kids with cancer. The idea behind the even was that the celebrities would be driving super expensive cars and do a scavenger hunt all over the city of Chicago. The scavenger hunt itself was not just picking up items, but doing tasks along the way - and our task at the hotel was to have the celebrities build a 2-layer cake in 12 minutes (including the icing, filling and decoration). The first task was that they needed to whip their whipping cream for the filling until it was stiff enough - and they got bonus points if they were brave enough to flip the bowl of whipped cream over and hold it over their heads for a couple of seconds. My personal task was to judge the whipped cream station for the bonus points and every single celebrity went for it. They all were able to do it, although one group flung the bowl over their head so fast that the bowl flew out of their hands. It landed on the floor and shot the whipped cream all over the front of my pants and the floor around me - luckily enough stayed in the bowl so that the lady could still fill her cake.
All in all, it was a fun event to be a part of - and the cakes the celebrities made generally looked awful.

(I wish I had pictures of that event - but since most of the celebrities were... well, celebrities - it would've looked tacky on a personal level and bad, as an employee of Marriott, to snap a few pictures. Rest assured, it was hilarious. E! News anchor Giuliana DePandi and Apprentice winner Bill Rancic were filming there for their reality show, so there's the possibility that you'll get to see the action eventually. I did have to sign a release after they left, so apparently I'm in a few of the shots - We'll see...)

Finally, this blog was started on August 3:

Tonight I was able to go to the Wellness House to teach a class about antioxidants. We had a small lecture about what antioxidants are, and then we rolled out sweet dough to make fruit tarts. While the tart shells were baking, we played a matching game about what fruits paired with what antioxidants and then we all shared our answers. Following that, I had a little demo of how to build a fruit tart and then they all decorated their own tarts (and consumed them quickly) It was such a great night - and it was such a great experience to be able to work with these families who are facing such a hard event in their lives. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but it's interesting volunteering there because you go in there knowing that someone in this family - whether it be a dad, mom, grandparent, or one of the children - is battling cancer, they at least have this one night to be around people who are facing similar situations and be able to have that support... and simply have fun and enjoy themselves. It humbles me every time I'm there.

Along the same lines, I recently had an incredible pleasure to meet the Watters family who live in a nearby suburb of Chicago. The youngest member of the Watters family, Benny, is battling the same cancer that Sadie faced. He was diagnosed in January of 2009, and is clearly beating the odds with his battle. I found out about this family through my sister (who is part of a great support of families who have faced similar battles with DIPG) and I contacted them saying where I work and asked if they ever wanted to come and visit, it'd be great to do a fun pastry project together or something. Well, after some correspondence and arranging of schedules, we were able to meet up at the hotel. I took them on a little tour of the hotel (the rooftop garden, the bees and the pastry shop), then they decorated cupcakes in the pastry shop and snacked on some delicious snacks. All the while, I was able to get to know them better and instantly felt such love and respect for them. We are already planning another cupcake event soon at their home. Here are a few pictures:


Suffice to say, it's been a great summer. While it has gone fast, it has been memorable beyond anything I could've hoped for. Work is going well... now. There was a small chunk of time there where I was struggling with meeting the expectations of my boss, and quite honestly, of myself. But as all lessons in life, I was able to work through it and was able to learn from the negative experiences to become more productive, effective and successful.

Regarding the training for the marathon, it's going quite fantastic. I have a time goal of 4:20:00 and I feel really optimistic that I'm going to be able to do that. My long runs have reached up to 25 miles and I am able to run home from work (which is roughly 9 miles) feeling really good. The marathon is coming up here in a few weeks (October 10) - so it's finally becoming a reality that this is really happening soon. I mentioned in an earlier blog about my new goal of 50 marathons in 50 states before I turn 50... well, my boss at work found out about that and is dedicated to trying to help me achieve this goal ASAP. She'll be in her office and call me in, with a serious tone. I am concerned when I go in, thinking I messed something up unknowingly, but she hands me a printout of a marathon in a neighboring state and says I should run that one to knock that state out of the way. Its nice to have that support at work for personal goals... I feel very lucky often to be working where I am.

Scott is back from his summer program - things were a little rocky for him coming back to a very open schedule after his intense schooling and going right into a summer program that worked him 6 days a week with ridiculous hours. As I'm sure any of us would agree, too much free time is not a good thing and Scott instantly felt desire to work. Unfortunately, the job market is still awful in Chicago and he was having a hard time finding any work, despite his qualifications, schooling and persistence in applying for any (and every) job that he could imagine doing. Gratefully, his choir job with the Chicago Symphony Orchestra began recently and his choir job at church will begin shortly - in addition to another job he got recently. So all in all, things are working out well. He was able to make some incredible contacts during the summer in Princeton and I wouldn't be surprised if by early next year, his professional career is incredibly busy. I have no doubt in my mind he's going to be wildly successful - and I don't just say that because I'm his partner and am madly in love with him - he is the type of person that has that drive to make his dreams a reality and nothing is going to come in the way of that. His voice is gorgeous, he is gorgeous and it's only a matter of time before he's performing all over the world. (You heard it here first, people.) Seriously. He's incredible. So... for now, it's great to have him home. But I am excited for him to go out there and fulfill his passion... his auditions for various programs/companies are coming up quickly, so it'll be exciting to see what happens and where he'll be going next.

What else... On a personal level, I've been feeling more of a drive to get in touch with my spirituality and relationship with God. I had a neat experience with one of my best friends recently when we were out to dinner. We were talking religion and spirituality and I was explaining my frustration with religion and how I'm not able to get out of religion what I desire. One thing I loved about the LDS church that I miss is the fact that there was 2/3 of the services devoted to teaching of doctrine and principles of the church. I miss learning about spirituality. I miss learning doctrine. I miss pulling out scriptures and referencing articles and taking notes. (Am I the only one who did this?!?!) I miss that aspect of my spirituality and I don't feel I've gotten it from any church I've been to since. Let me be clear in saying that I don't miss the LDS church - really. But I do miss learning and getting something out of lessons/sermons/etc. I was explaining to my friend how fluffy the church Scott and I go to is - the sermons are 'feel-good' types of sermons with 'Love everyone' mingled with cultural references so the congregation can relate in a very modern way. I can't stand it. I attempted every time I was there to get something out of it and all I heard was ethical babble about doing good - which is fine for some people, but I expect more for myself. So I told him that where I go to church now, God is fluffy. He has rainbows and puppies and everyone is great no matter what. My friend is actually studying to become a priest in the Catholic church, but has a background in Judaism, Mormonism, and even Wicca, among others - so this man knows spirituality... which is one great reason we get along so well. He asked me questions about what I expect of my spirituality and if I think I can get it from religion... Well, unknown to us, the table next to us was eves dropping on our conversation and as they got up to leave, one of the men handed me a slip of paper and said 'I think you might need this book. Good luck.' I opened the slip of paper and it said the title of a book called The Discernment of Spirits (by Timothy M. Gallagher). I don't believe in coincidences and I certainly am open to anyone who might have a suggestion on what I can do to help my spirituality, so I took this as a kind sign from a kind stranger and I ordered the book. I'm currently in the process of reading it now - it's a heavy book (and I don't mean the weight) - but it's an interesting idea that you can discern what comes from God by your feelings. If you hear something and you feel peaceful and happy with what you hear, then it comes from God. If you feel doubt or questioning or have a hard time thinking, then it comes from another source that is not of God. This definitely sounds more simple than how it's presented in the book, and maybe it really is that simple at the root of it all, but I think it's going to be a great tool as I learn more about this discernment of spirits and as I discover my spirituality more.

At any rate, this novel must come to a close - I have coffee in the morning with a dear friend and I still have miles to go before I sleep. Until next time.

It's Oh So Quiet

The apartment is so quiet right now. I guess I've grown accustom to hearing Scott listening to opera scenes on youtube or hearing him perfecting a piece that he's learning for one of his upcoming roles. But he is in transit to Princeton, New Jersey for the next two months for a summer program. I know he's going to be incredibly busy and I know I am going to be incredibly busy with my work - but here I am at day one and I already miss hearing him in the other room. It's something I'm sure I will get used to over time - The opera world seems to be incredibly transient with going from place to place for weeks to months at a time. I should've prefaced that with a "If you're good, the opera world seems to be transient"... And Scott is. He may be just starting out his professional career, but it's only a matter of time before he is singing all over the world, selling out opera theaters, getting standing ovations and such. I'll look back on this time and think "Wow. I had a hard time with him being gone for two months? Bitch, please." or something along those lines. Above it all, however, I am so proud of him. I have no doubt he's going to do (and be) amazing.

Aside from that, I had the entire day off - to myself. This past month was insane with looking for a new apartment, Scott's recital, Scott's graduation, people visiting from town every weekend for 4 weeks straight, wedding cakes and prom events at the hotel, being sick for a good 2 weeks (thanks to allergies I didn't know I had) - I feel like I've hardly had time to sit and breathe - and suddenly, there is a calm silence in the apartment and I can't help but feel like I should be running somewhere or doing something specific. But instead, after an emotional goodbye early this morning, I went back to sleep (and slept in), I took time making breakfast, I did yoga, went for an hour run along Lakeshore Drive, spend some time with kitty - just took time to enjoy myself again. I have plans this evening to research some things for a project at work, as well as research for my new blog www.pastrymelioration.blogspot.com. This blog was created with the thought that I fully intend to take my career to the next level and learn all I can to be the best - because, let's be real, it's inevitable that I'm going to be incredibly successful. I look quiet and soft-spoken, but I am ambitious and determined to constantly be better than I am. So, with that in mind, I realized recently that there are things in my career I need to work on, and I'm going to track those goals, lessons, and thoughts on that blog. Read it if you'd like, shout out some ideas/comments from time to time and we'll all have a splendid time learning something together.

All in all, the update is this: Things are going really well. I am getting back into my marathon training (there was a decent pause due to... well... the month of May [see previous paragraph]); the career is going incredibly well, especially with the wedding season already in full swing; We (Scott, myself and our roommate Jess) renewed our lease and are staying in our apartment for another year (thus, eliminating the stress of moving); Truly, I expect some great things to happen this summer.

One thing that was incredible (that I unfortunately missed due to being here in Chicago) was a golf tournament/silent auction that T and Zac set up in honor of Sadie, that benefitted 'The Cure Starts Now' chapter in Utah. The updates that I've been seeing from Sadies blog (sadiehuish.blogspot.com) as well as T's facebook have been showing that the event was a huge success. It is so exciting to hear about.

June is bound to be a very special/emotional month - I do look back on memories from last year fondly, but it was just such an awful situation to be going through and my heart aches when I think of Sadie being gone for an entire year. It is still so unbelieveable. One of many things I gained from being back in Utah last year was being grateful for each moment and taking advantage of it - that has definitely played heavily into my daily life.

More updates are sure to follow - especially with all this extra free time on my hands. :)

Holidays 2009

I'm starting this post in Kansas City, MO. I'm coming up on the tail end of an eventful holiday and am now here in Missouri supporting Scott in his first professional opera gig. Apparently a wealthy couple was celebrating their 50th anniversary and wanted to have opera singers perform their favorite opera. Scott was a part of this opera production this previous summer in Chicago, so was chosen to perform here in Kansas City. Pretty exciting... I'm trying to refrain from gushing, but, truth be told, I'm so proud of him.

This holiday season has been a great one. Full of emotion, but overall wonderful. Work has been incredibly stressful, but in a different way than before. Where a few months I was working some hard 70+ hour weeks, I am now barely able to make 40 hours - but still be expected to produce the same amount of work. I was tired before, but now I am physically exhausted and want to sleep all the time. Granted, I don't - thank God for coffee and other caffeinated products.

I can't really complain though. My executive pastry chef is exceptionally wonderful at her job - she is a rare breed that can completely fulfill both the pastry aspect and the management aspect of the position. She is understanding of where I'm at personally and professionally in my career and is very supportive in helping me become all I can be. That being said, she can be a gigantic bitch. There have been numerous times, I am not proud to admit, that she has come down on me for not being fast enough, for not assessing a situation properly or for not managing my time well enough. I know that as I write this, she is stretching me to become the best I can be - but there are times that I want to either scream and throw something or cry. Or both. Her and I recently had a sit down and talked about my goals and plans for the future. I expressed my interest in management and learning all I can in baking and pastry. So with that in mind, she has not forgotten on what I want to learn and continues to push me to the edge everyday.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm tired all the time. The stress of the job isn't just trying to get everything to look and taste perfect, it's the stress of getting it perfect in the fastest amount of time possible with a wonderful/frightening boss looking at your every move.

Which is why I've been truly enjoying my time away from work and from Chicago. I needed a break and the fact that it is the holidays and that Scott has a gig in a random city I've never been to helped me tremendously.

Christmas was great this year. Scott and I were actually able to wait until the 23rd to exchange gifts (usually neither of us can wait to give a gift, so we tend to give the gift the day we bought it). Scott got me a new camera and a beautiful glass mug set from Crate and Barrel, I got Scott a new external hard drive for his computer (doesn't sound exciting, but the man needed it) and a set of lovely champagne glasses from Crate and Barrel (great minds think alike). We also got each other stocking stuffers - I got him a new Vivica Genaux C.D. and he got me stainless steel measuring spoons and a wine bottle stopper. We also got each other the same snacks from World Market without the other knowing it - delicious imported grape gummies, dark chocolate bar with sea salt and ginger mints.

I worked the few days leading up to Christmas, including Christmas Eve. That day nearly killed me at work (see description of work above) and then I raced home to get ready for the Christmas service at church. There was a little pre-party with the choir members before the service started, then we all went over to the church to sing our little hearts out for the Christmas service. Its been pretty interesting singing with the choir. I, by no means, have a great singing voice - it is fairly average, in fact - but being able to sing the unique pieces we've sung and having the spiritual aspect of church to look forward to on a weekly basis has been a great experience. Not to forget, I love being a part of the choir when Scott is singing a solo - it sounds lame, but it makes me feel like I'm able to be a part of what he does and it makes me feel a little closer to him. That being said, the Christmas service was beautiful and full of music - some of the music was stunning, some that was a little odd - but all in all was a great privilege to be a part of. The service ended with the entire congregation singing Silent Night and the only light was from all of us holding candles - I'm not sure if that is typical of a Christmas service, but it was lovely and something I've never experienced. I got a tad emotional, given the year I've had, and I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed the entire experience. Especially since Christmas Eve has always been my family's time and it will always be hard to be away from them on that day. Talking on the phone with them during the party just isn't the same, you know? (Plus, I kept thinking how nice it will be to have this year over with. It has been such a rollercoaster.)

Anyway, the next morning, Scott and I got up early and hit the road. We were able to get to Des Moines by 1:00 or so and spent the entire day and night at his dad's house. It has been interesting to see an evolution in Scott and his dad's relationship - there has been quite a history with them, but the more Scott and I spend with his dad and his step-mom, Karen, the more I love and respect them. Take for instance the fact that they put a picture of Scott and I up in their home. It may seem small, but that little gesture nearly made me break out into tears. (Are you all getting the bottom line that I am emotional?!) I've never known acceptance like that - scratch that, not just acceptance, but love and support of us as a couple. They, as well as Scott's mom Collette, freely give us a place to stay whenever we are in town - I've never felt more welcome and more part of the family than I did over this holiday.

Scott and I got spoiled with gifts - we got some amazing books, some incredible cooking/baking supplies, among other things. The most exciting thing though was the fact that Scott's sister, Stacy, had her baby boy, Samson Ferris Hancock on December 28th. Unfortunately, it was the first night that Scott and I got into Kansas City, so we haven't been able to meet the little guy yet, but we are so excited to see him.

It made me think of all my nieces and nephews back in Utah - I sure miss them all so much. I miss Sadie everyday and thought of her a great deal over the past month - I still check Sadie's blog everyday. It has become habit. No longer am I checking to see if there is an update in her condition, but I still like to know that people besides me are thinking of her regularly. My sis does a great job at doing that.

God, what an emotional year. What an emotional holiday. Wish you all the best start to your new year - Oh. And Scott and I decided that instead of 'resolutions', we are doing 'New Years Renovations'. Feel free to jump on that train. ;)

Going home.

I'm going to be flying back to Chicago tomorrow for an extended weekend in honor of Scott's 25th birthday... I should be asleep considering the day I've had, but I am too excited. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that it feels like being a kid on Christmas Eve with the anticipation of what the next day is going to bring. Scott and I have been talking everyday since I moved back to Utah and while I still feel he knows everything about what's going on in my life than anyone else, I can't wait to be able to spend these few days being face to face with him. We won't need to say much of anything because we don't need to catch up at all - just being together will be enough.

This little vacation back home to Chicago couldn't have come at a more perfect time - work, while such a tremendous blessing to have, is literally wearing me thin. Since I started working with Harmon's, I've been averaging about 55+ (very physical) hours a week. This week would've been even more intense considering I only worked three days and clocked out today with almost 38 hours. There is just always something more that needs to be done... once I think I have things pretty well under control, I find that there are a least a few other things that need taken care of. And because I have the experience to do those things, they tend to fall directly on my shoulders. There, my friends, lies the blessing and curse of going above mediocrity on a daily basis.

And that is the surface.

Underneath the exterior, work has been a incredibly wonderful distraction from being away from Scott and to not get my mind distracted how Sadie is doing. I won't lie, I worry. A lot. My mom somehow instilled that in me and I haven't been able to shake it. So I've found that working as much as I have has not only given me more financial security (which means less stress in one area of my life. Woot.) but forces me to prioritize my time and energy effectively to avoid those lulls in my life where I sit dormant. When I work this much, I tend to take advantage of the time I have free to spend time with my family or to be at the gym or take care of those odds and ends that get left behind.

I think today was the final drop that made the glass overflow - my fatigue caught up with me. It's the type of feeling where you want to go home, spend an evening on the couch watching a movie with your love. And that is exactly what I intend on doing. (Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get a massage or something.)



I realized recently that I tend to be incredibly personal on this blog. If you're reading this, I hope you don't mind that I am. But truth be told, I never write with the intention that anyone will ever read it (except myself when I'm feeling reflective) - so I'm always somewhat taken aback when someone asks me about something I wrote in this blog. I don't know - there's a sense of freedom in expressing words to the world that you never know someone may hear.

Probably just time for bed...

It's been a few days since I've written last. I'm getting a little anxious from waiting to hear back from Harmon's about the bakery management position and am still deciding if I'm considering it a lost cause. At any rate, I have just opened a bottle of delicious French red wine and am sipping it slowly as I think of what I want to say, what I plan for my immediate future and why the hell I am even in Utah.
Not to say that I haven't enjoyed being in Utah immensely so far - I've reconnected with some of my closest friends and have been able to spend some quality time with family members (not counting those of whom have been touched with the flu). I see random coincidences on a daily basis that reconfirm that I'm where I should be--- Take for instance the way I was trying to kill some time by running to Barnes and Noble to get an Italian dictionary for my language studying and the man ringing my purchase up ended up being my dad's cousin. Or the way that my computer crashed and one of my best friends (who I was planning on hanging out with that night anyway) ended up being a computer whiz (unknown to me until that point) and saved me hundreds of dollars by installing new programs and new memory in my computer for free. It's been too bizarre. I think I've needed those moments because I find myself waking up on a daily basis without Scott next to me and without the sounds of my needy cats outside the bedroom door and my heart sinks a little bit as I wonder 'why?'.
It's no surprise to anyone that I've been missing Scott terribly. I don't know where I thought it in my mind that I felt I was being overbearing with contacting Scott through calls, texts or messages on facebook, so I worried that I should be giving him space. That created a bit of a conflict because it ended up that Scott and I missed each others calls and didn't end up talking for 2 days. Scott was understandably upset and I felt like a jackass because I created drama in my mind that didn't even exist. Today we talked for a while about everything and came to an understanding about communication and our expectations. It's rough for us because we have never been in a relationship with anyone as long as we have been with each other and we've never had positive experiences with long distance relationships. So this is new territory and we are learning as we go along. That being said, I feel confident in our relationship and I think if anyone can make this type of situation work, it's us. I love that man so much. I don't know what he did to me, but I am completely head over heels. I'm glad in a way that we had this conflict so early into this long distance period so we were able to learn how to continue to improve our relationship and keep the deep connection we shared when we were living together. Still, I can't wait to see his face again.
At any rate, I'm very pleased to report that my niece is doing very well - so well in fact, that she constantly puts me to shame on Nintendo Wii and laughs when I lose miserably. I won't lie when I tell you all that I lost sleep at night my last week in Chicago, worrying that I wouldn't make it back in time to see her again. My siblings and mom told me in a very loving way to hurry the hell up because time was short. While it is true that Sadie is not the same girl I saw at Christmas, she is still so full of life, love and creativity. Some of the projects that she creates, the pictures she draws, and the fact that she loves so deeply that she cries out of pure happiness makes me feel so overwhelmingly blessed to be a part of her life. I am so happy that I've been able to spend time with her and my family over this time I've been back.

And that is basically my life up to this point. As for right now, I've taken a break from sipping wine and have resorted to simply swirling it in the glass as I watch the cursor blink in a timely rhythm. I'm not even tipsy from the wine and I've already let my mind fade gently into a blissful lack of concern for any problems I'm facing. Maybe that's a good indicator I've said all I've needed to say. Or perhaps that problems I feel I'm facing aren't worth worrying about. Or perhaps it's just time for bed.

A little story

It's time for a little story. It's a stunning tale about a young man who had recently moved to a big city with the person he loves beyond words. Times were difficult, but somehow they made it work and life was surprisingly happy through it all. One day, the young man felt a strong desire to go back to the land from which he came from - and he wasn't sure why. So pushing feelings aside, he continued to work whenever he could and lived life the best he knew how. Not too far after, he had a feeling to return to the land from which he came from again. He, being a person who relied heavily on what he felt in his heart, recognized the feeling again and took it more seriously. Despite his recent move to a big city with the person he loved so much, he made preparations to move back to the land where he came from - not knowing exactly why, but feeling strongly that it was right.

Is it an interesting story? I'm trying to see if the situation I'm currently facing makes more sense when I look at it in this light. The story I just explained is something I've been facing over the last month or so. But let me tell you a little bit more.

Truth be told, times are hard. Work at the hotel is sporadic and I've been filling my time with cleaning the apartment, running, reading and baking. Scott has been busy with school and aside from this past weekend where we had the pleasure of entertaining guests at our home, we rarely see each other outside of the evenings when he comes home from school. So when the initial idea of heading home came to my mind, I felt it was more of an escapist idea. It seemed too convenient to go back to Utah where I was making more money, where I was completely comfortable with life, and where I was around family (especially given the time frame with Sadie and her battle with cancer) - so I pushed it out of my mind. Why? Because I feel at home here in Chicago. Scott and I have started our lives from scratch here and while it is difficult, I'm happy with where we are and how we've grown just in the few months we've been here. It's really something quite beautiful and I didn't feel any quick desire to abandon that. So I pushed the feelings to go back to Utah aside. It didn't seem logical.

With my time off of work, I've been trying to develop myself spiritually. I've felt that it is something that I've been lacking lately, so I had been researching and studying scripture, meditating and praying, trying to develop a greater relationship with God, trying to understand chakras further, trying to be more in tune to my higher self, and I've even been reading quite a bit on animal guides and Shamanism. So with that in mind, when the feeling to go back to Utah came again a few weeks later, I listened to it more thoroughly. I began to think about stories in the Bible where God was calling various people and how they either listened right away or if it took a few different calls for them to take notice. I wondered if this could be similar. It posed the question - If God called on me would I recognize it? Truth be told, it scared me to think of heading back to Utah. When I sat down and really thought about it, I didn't want to. I didn't want to leave Scott behind with the life we had created here in Chicago.

So I called a dear friend who I relate to in many different ways - one of which is spiritually. She asked me questions trying to dive further into what the reasoning might be for going back to Utah, offered suggestions, words of encouragement and told me to meditate about it. So I did and felt very strongly that it is something I should do. I think the most interesting thing about all this is how incredibly understanding everyone had been about this. Scott is completely supportive (despite the fact that I don't know how long I'll be there) and is planning on helping me drive across the country back to Utah. My brother and his beautiful wife and family have offered a place for me to stay while I'm there and my work here in Chicago expressed their support for me to do what I need to do and guarantees me a job there again when I return. I think the fact that the support for me in this execution of the moving back to Utah is a sign in itself that it's what I should be doing.

So despite that plans are set to go (I should be back in Utah by March 16), I still feel a deep pit in my stomach at the thought of leaving Scott for an extended period of time. It's been such a great experience to be in a city on our own and to grow together. I really feel that our relationship has been strengthened tremendously by our choice to move here to Chicago and the idea of leaving, even for just a little while, is so hard to think about. So while I realize that we still have two weeks together before I leave, I've found that little kisses when he gets home or sleeping next to him at night mean so much more.

Also, those who know me and my family well may realize that yesterday was the year mark of Sadie's diagnosis - I strongly urge you to check out the entry my sister did on Sadie's blog (link on the side). Her strength is so amazing that it brings me to tears. As for me and my words, I have nothing profound to say. I only know that seeing my niece defy odds and to see her live her life with purpose despite her struggles gives me such strength and faith. Not only her, but to see my sister, someone whom I have always looked up to in so many different ways, battle this situation with such courage, strength and love is inspiring. They have taught me to live life more fully and to not take any moment, no matter how large or small, for granted.

So, that is my story for now. A work in progress, if you will...

Mid-February Ramble

As I'm beginning this, I'm realizing that I don't have much to say... I just feel like I need to write. So here I am. (That is the only warning you guys are going to get... if I end up on some tangent and type out senseless babble for the next little while, consider yourself warned.)

Things are going well here in Chicago. This week was good for work - I ended up getting a few shifts (lately, I've been averaging about 2-3 shifts per week). When the dramatic decline in work shifts began, I was so upset - but now I am just grateful to have a job and to have any shifts at all. There were a few lay-offs at work and in my field, open positions are scarce. That being said, I've been keeping my eye out for positions elsewhere - either for a part-time job or full-time if they can guarantee hours. Gratefully, I got a call back this past week for a position in the bakery of Treasure Island (a upscale grocery store here - although I keep thinking Vegas whenever I say the name). I'll be calling them this coming week to set up an interview and hopefully start soon so I can have a more steady income coming in. Time's are hard, but you do what you gotta do, right? I feel like things are going to work out great though - I figure it's just a matter of time.

I know this may sound a bit strange, but I feel like this whole gap in my work schedule and all this down time is meant to be for my benefit. I don't think I've ever had this much time to be so reflective on life, my ideas, my plans, my beliefs. And, here's the interesting part, I feel like I have something to learn - but I'm not sure what quite yet. Yes, money is tight - and I imagine it will be substantially tighter as the lack of shifts at the Westin progress, but so far, it's worked out. So, we'll see...

Family in Utah is doing great as far as I can tell - I get random updates from my mom throughout the week. She is hilarious - she knows all of my siblings business (and my own, of course) and then takes it upon herself to update everyone of the kids of the others business. That may be the case for most families, but it never ceases to crack me up. It's to the point that whenever I talk to my brother or sisters, we can pick up our conversation without doing catching up.
Side Story: For Valentines Day, I wanted to get Scott flowers, but flowers die and Scott is more horticultural than most people I know - so I figured we should get a plant for the apartment. We ended up going to Lowe's to do our plant searching and it was the exact same layout as the one in Utah that Scott and I would go to when we lived downtown. I guess we were in there for a while because when we went outside again, I expected the large Wal-mart on 1300 South to be across the street. When it finally clicked that I was in Chicago, I felt like I'd been sucker punched with homesickness. Moments like that don't happen very often so it took me a bit off guard (and I was fine soon after), but there are still moments I miss being in Salt Lake City - the closeness to family, the familiarity, etc.
So - circling back around, I appreciate my dear mom. She keeps me so up-to-date with how everything is, I almost feel like I'm there. I don't talk much to my siblings - my sister is a mother of 6; my other sister is a mother of 3 and has extra demands with Sadie's condition; and my brother and his wife both work full-time and raise 2 kids - so their lives are all incredibly busy. But I miss them all terribly. I can't say that I'd see them any more than I do now if I was back in Utah with how hectic our lives can all be, but the emotion is still there.

Anyway, yesterday was Valentines Day - and I'll admit, I've always been one of those people who despise the day. If not for anything else, for the blatant commercialism and the expectation that you need to buy things for the one you love to prove you love them. That being said, I think Scott and I went a little overboard this year with Valentines - he gave me some great gifts, including a new Walkman MP3 player - I gave him some gifts, we made breakfast together, I met him downtown after his shift with a rose (so everyone would know that the hot guy working at the Gap is taken...), he made some delicious alfredo with scallops, I made a red-velvet cake with cinnamon buttercream frosting and we watched a romantic gay comedy (naturally). So - while I had never been a fan of Valentines before, I have been converted to the idea that a day of love is worth indulging in. Especially when I have someone who, after two years, still makes me smile for no reason at all and my heart jump.

To close, I wanted to share a few pictures from a couple runs I did around the city. Lately, I've discovered the thrill of running in cold weather. It sounds so strange, but it is so exhilarating to run in snow and be motivated by nothing else but the fact you need to move or freeze. So, that being said, these pictures were taken from my camera phone and are from two different runs and two different areas along the coast of Lake Michigan.

The Holiday

There has been a whole lot of Christmas going on over the past few weeks. No complaints at all - I am just beyond tired now as a result. As I'm writing this, I'm feeling a bit under the weather - and since Scott and I just got back to Chicago last night after being in Des Moines for nearly a week, I'm taking advantage of this time to take it easy.
Like I said before, this month has been incredibly busy. Well, let me clarify. Work has been incredibly slow - which has given me plenty of opportunity to enjoy a packed and fulfilling holiday season. Earlier this month, after a series of coincidences, I was able to travel home for an extended weekend. When I moved to Chicago, I initially thought that I'd more than likely not be traveling to Utah again for a while (including the holidays) because of being at a new job and lack of money. Well, with my hotel being mainly business clientele and with the ecomony the way it is, I've been given an abundance of time off (some I requested, much I did not - a blessing and curse in itself). Along with that, Scott came across a travel voucher through United Airlines he needed to use before the beginning of 2009 and wondered if I could use it... the amount of the voucher nearly covered the entire cost of the round-trip flight. Suffice to say, I jumped at the chance to go. I had set myself up for so long with the thought that I wouldn't see my family for a long time that when I saw this opportunity, I jumped at it without question.
The trip home was definitely needed. I think for the most part, I consider myself an independent person - but there is that small part of me that longs for home. There's just something unique about being in my mom's house, drinking a Coke, and talking with my family about anything that comes to mind. I miss that. And I think I miss the fact that it's not easily accessible anymore.
At any rate, it was wonderful. I was able to spend some quality time with each of my siblings and their families and also spent a great deal of time with my mom. I also had the opportunity to attend a few parties... One was a holiday party with one of my best friends Caitie, another was a party with my extended family. There was a time a few years back that I vowed to myself that I would never go back to the party because of the blatant awkwardness... well, that changed and I went. It seemed to coincidental that I was home the exact weekend that the party was happening, so I took that opportunity to visit with my extended family. It was so great to see them - it has been a while. I still keep in touch with a few through the miracle of the internet - and for that reason, seeing them was more special. There were a few people in my family that hardly made eye contact, but I didn't take it personal. In fact, I expected more of that then there was.... so I was pleasantly surprised. :) Following that party, I went to Dani's (my brothers wife) 30th birthday party. She had an 80's Glam Rock theme, so everyone had torn jeans, ratted out hair, tacky neon colors - it was bliss. I'm pretty sure it was the greatest theme for a party that I've ever been to. Throw in the fact that I drank half a bottle of courvoisier and played the hell out of Guitar Hero, and that's my idea of a great party.
Anyway, Utah was great. I didn't let anyone else besides close family know that I was coming... if there is one thing I can't stand, it's obligation. I hate it when someone knows I'm coming into town and they expect me to show up and hang out while I'm there. This trip was simply for my family - and for me. Because I don't know what I would've done if I hadn't have seen them over the holidays.
Besides going home, Scott and I also had a great Christmas party at our place. It was primarily for all of the students in his class (about 18 or so) - so we did a huge dessert spread and everyone was dressed up... Scott and I decided that we love to have people over and entertain. And especially since we have all this extra room, why the hell not?
For Christmas, Scott and I headed up to Des Moines. I won't lie - I was a little ancy about going for an entire week because I really like (translation: need) my alone time - and I usually don't feel comfortable in other peoples homes when I'm staying there. But his mom is amazing and despite the fact she was going a mile a minute with planning, baking, wrapping, and all the other Christmas joys, she made us feel completely welcome and comfortable. We spend alot of time with his siblings and mom - which was great because their relationship reminds me a great deal of my family - ...made cookies, baked and cooked continually, exchanged gifts, ate too much - all the little joys that make Christmas so grand.
I won't lie though. After getting back from Des Moines, I was Christmas'd out. I felt like I needed to sleep for days to recover from all the festivities. And even though it's not the most ideal of situations to have work be so slow during this time, it was amazing to be able to have the freedom to not only enjoy the holiday, but to be so completely drained from the holiday that I was glad to have it over and back to normal. :) Good times, good times...

Anyway, to all who might happen to read this, I hope your holiday was amazing and I wish you the best with 2009!

Too tired for a title...

This entry will be short - simply because I'm beyond tired, but I wanted to let everyone who reads this know that Scott and I are officially residents of Chicago, IL. The apartment we found is beautiful and perfect for all of our needs... and we will officially be moving in on Friday (Aug. 1). For specific details, you need to go over to Scott's blog. He has such a way with words that I can't help but laugh out loud and be enthralled by his stories, even though I was experiencing them with him at the time. So, for now, check that out - and I will be back later with more details of my own.