End of 2011 - Part I

I suppose anyone who read this blog regularly (and I use that term loosely by how often I actually post) has since moved on to bigger and brighter blogs on the "interweb". I don’t blame them – and if you are reading this, I appreciate it and welcome you back after months of neglect.

To say the past few months were busy is an understatement – work demands were excessive with overtime flowing like wine (though not as delicious), school stretched me beyond my comfort zone and I was forced to learn and be tested on information that has lifelong been my Achilles heel (specifically, all things math), and additionally training for a marathon. Between my regular schedule being so different from the rest of the world and trying to manage work, school, general well-being, and spending quality time with Scott, I have been exhausted. I feel like I could sleep for days, if it wouldn’t get in the way of… well… everything. Not to complain though – everything has truly kept me on my toes and I feel like I’m learning, growing, constantly moving forward and I feel very fulfilled in this journey so far. Being busy, as stressful as it feels, is actually a great thing.

That all being said, let me give you the rundown of how it has all played out.

Work: Going very well. This entire past year of working at night, in spite of the odd hours and toll it takes on my body being a vampire, has been positively life changing. As much respect I have for my boss (namely, her skills and experience – not her atrocious management style), not being around the constant negativity has been wonderful. I can honestly say that I love what I do for a living, I enjoy going to work every day and I am able to have a life outside of it. Working at night compared to the day shift has been like… well, night and day. There are the standard stresses, such as high volume production and the near-unrealistic expectations of what can get done in the amount given, and so on – but all in all, things are going very well. I still have intentions on working more with creating product based around dietary needs, but business (gratefully) has been high and the regular production has occupied all of my time. No complaints there.

School: Like I mentioned, the fall semester included two courses – an Intermediate Algebra (with geometry) course and a Psychology course. Math has always been my weakness, but I was determined to understand it. You could ask Scott and he’ll tell you I spent most of my free time doing homework for that class, but I didn’t want to just settle for passing. And it paid off – I got an A in both classes. The Psychology course, gratefully, was interesting enough for me that I was able to read the material without any problems of boredom arising (and it was perfect for the bus rides down to work – Utilizing time effectively! WOOT!) and I was able to pull information from the class that will benefit my career in the future. So, yes, taking general courses isn’t ideal, but it’s been a great refresher, especially having a specific goal and being able to apply concepts toward that.

Also, I probably shouldn’t mention (but I will) that my final report in Psychology was to diagnose someone I knew who may have a mental disorder and to describe the symptoms and course of action. I wrote about my boss…. and I got an A on the paper. (Truth be told, with all of her craziness I’ve dealt with over the past two years, the paper essentially wrote itself.)

Marathon: Wow. It has really been that long since I’ve written a blog that I didn’t mention this yet. Craz-ay. Marathon #4 was in Indianaplois, Indiana on November 5, 2011 – Scott was busy with being an opera star, so I road-tripped down and spent the weekend there by myself. It was a bit like a mini-vacation and I highly recommend it – especially if a marathon is involved.

I suppose I didn’t have much expectation of Indianapolis, but I found that it is truly a gorgeous city. It has an older, historic feel and mixed with the autumn aspects of cooler weather, varied colors and falling leaves – I found myself speechless at times. The race was the best one I’ve ran so far – a PR (personal record), as they call it – at 4:28:45. My main goals were to be healthy, not obtain any injury during training and to finish strong. My ideal time goal in mind was 4:20:00, so I wasn’t disappointed with what I actually obtained - Especially because I did run the race healthy, injury free and I finished strong.

I also had a very humbling experience while running the race – a little over half way through, I saw a little boy cheering in the crowd that looked just like Benny Watters, (one of the DIPG angels whose family I had the pleasure of meeting a few years back). It took my breath away and I had to do a double take – I mentioned this to Lisa, Benny’s mom, and she told me that she considers that ‘a little wink’. Suffice to say, the remainder of the race had the DIPG angels and brave fighters on my mind and the rest of the 26.2 miles seemed to drift by.

Post-Race Glory/Fatigue

Just after the race in downtown Indianapolis, IN

Their tagline was 'A beautiful place to set your pace' - Initially tacky, but definitely true.

This was my best friend for nearly 3 hours after the race...

My next marathon is scheduled for May 27, 2012 in Madison, Wisconsin. Scott and I were in Madison a few times this past fall for a few of Scott’s performances and it is a beautiful city. I’m already looking forward to the race.

In other news, Scott’s sister, Stacy recently had her third child, a little girl named Antigone (nicknamed Annie). I always love me a new niece or nephew and I have been hogging as much baby time as I can while we’ve been in Des Moines for the holidays. Here are a few pics of the wee one:

Me and Annie (she is only about a week old in this picture)

Scott and the wee one...

Me and Annie (during Christmas - she is nearly a month old in this picture and continually getting cuter)

Today is the last day of my time off from the holidays – I actually go back to work tonight… after being off for over a week (business being slow at the hotel = Paid Time Off!) I am a little apprehensive about what I’m going to come back to. I’m sure more stories will be had and shenanigans will ensue.

Alas, that work bell is faintly tolling and beckoning me… and I should get ready to head downtown – More will be said soon... Not only because it’s a New Year’s resolution to do so, but also because I didn’t even touch on Christmas yet!

Oooh, the anticipation is building…..

Until next time!

Summer 2010

The past few months (also known as 'Summer') have come and gone incredibly quick. The only things I have to show for it are some great lessons learned from the school of hard knocks while I was at work, a sweet farmers tan from training for the Chicago Marathon while running outside and a couple of blog posts that were started and never saw the light of day. For the hard knocks lessons, you can visit my other blog here. As far as my farmers tan, I don't even want to look at it myself, let alone show you. But alas, the unfinished blog entries, I can definitely share. Here is one that I started on July 28th, which then moves in to a blog I started on June 25th:

I don't know where this summer has gone - I'm looking back on July alone and it is literally a blur. I suppose that is what happens when time is spent being incredibly involved in work (large parties, wedding cakes, wedding planning - and especially research for the new menu in my off time) along with training for the marathon in October, tennis every week - as well as a unexpected social life with new and old friends. It's been busier than I anticipated and I'm finding myself a little shocked that Scott just got home a few days ago.

The last paragraph was incredibly condensed. Let me elaborate somewhat... June held some incredibly emotional times. Namely, the 25th was the one year mark of Sadie's passing... which, I'm not going to lie, threw me into a funk. I started to write a blog about it, but never finished... here's what I did write.

(This is where the entry from June 25th picks up)

Today marks one year since my niece Sadie passed away... and while I am resisting the urge to talk about the memories and emotions that made me a hot mess today, I want to focus on something I realized today. The reason I am back here in Chicago, living my dream is because of Sadie's example. If it wasn't for her passion for living life to the fullest, I honestly don't think I'd have been proactive as I was to apply for the position I am currently in. It was a form of inspiration to reconnect with a contact (my boss, now) and the chance in a lifetime that my dream job opened up that next week. I pursued it with all my energy and intent... and I got it. I remember during the application process and the interviews, I thought of Sadie taking advantage of time to do the things she wanted to do, and that gave me the extra drive to make my dreams happen.
That is just one of many reasons that she inspired and influenced me then... and still does to this day - I know for a fact there are countless other people who share that sentiment.
It was actually a very special moment for me today to be able to have some time to sit and reflect on Sadie's short but fulfilling life. To aide in that process, I pulled out an audio copy of Sadie's funeral service that my sister gave me right before I moved back to Chicago. I listened to the music that was played and words spoken, and while tears were steadily flowing, I couldn't help but feel overjoyed. My sister and her husband did such an incredible job with the organization of the program, because it truly was a celebration of Sadie's life (and her love of it) while she was here. And I guess that's the positive message I've been trying to pull from today - Enjoying life while you have it and living it to the fullest. My sister did an amazing job in her talk, telling memories, playing clips of Sadie singing and laughing, telling about her favorite things, way and examples she showed her love.... truly special.
I thought of her all day today but I couldn't help but feel her with me when I was icing and decorating a wedding cake. That may sound strange, but knowing Sadie's love of baking (and her attention to detail and decoration), it was a special moment for me to do something I know she loved, especially on a day when she was constantly on my mind.
I realize this post is a bit all over the place, but I couldn't let the day go by without acknowledging Sadie and her memory today. I miss her so much and still look up to her and her example.

(The entry then picks back up when I wrote on July 28th)

My birthday was the next day an I ended up working a 13 hour shift - it was actually a unique experience because we had 2 wedding cakes to prepare and set-up, in addition to a celebrity event that was being held at the hotel. The event was called Rally for Kids which is an organization set up for kids with cancer. The idea behind the even was that the celebrities would be driving super expensive cars and do a scavenger hunt all over the city of Chicago. The scavenger hunt itself was not just picking up items, but doing tasks along the way - and our task at the hotel was to have the celebrities build a 2-layer cake in 12 minutes (including the icing, filling and decoration). The first task was that they needed to whip their whipping cream for the filling until it was stiff enough - and they got bonus points if they were brave enough to flip the bowl of whipped cream over and hold it over their heads for a couple of seconds. My personal task was to judge the whipped cream station for the bonus points and every single celebrity went for it. They all were able to do it, although one group flung the bowl over their head so fast that the bowl flew out of their hands. It landed on the floor and shot the whipped cream all over the front of my pants and the floor around me - luckily enough stayed in the bowl so that the lady could still fill her cake.
All in all, it was a fun event to be a part of - and the cakes the celebrities made generally looked awful.

(I wish I had pictures of that event - but since most of the celebrities were... well, celebrities - it would've looked tacky on a personal level and bad, as an employee of Marriott, to snap a few pictures. Rest assured, it was hilarious. E! News anchor Giuliana DePandi and Apprentice winner Bill Rancic were filming there for their reality show, so there's the possibility that you'll get to see the action eventually. I did have to sign a release after they left, so apparently I'm in a few of the shots - We'll see...)

Finally, this blog was started on August 3:

Tonight I was able to go to the Wellness House to teach a class about antioxidants. We had a small lecture about what antioxidants are, and then we rolled out sweet dough to make fruit tarts. While the tart shells were baking, we played a matching game about what fruits paired with what antioxidants and then we all shared our answers. Following that, I had a little demo of how to build a fruit tart and then they all decorated their own tarts (and consumed them quickly) It was such a great night - and it was such a great experience to be able to work with these families who are facing such a hard event in their lives. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but it's interesting volunteering there because you go in there knowing that someone in this family - whether it be a dad, mom, grandparent, or one of the children - is battling cancer, they at least have this one night to be around people who are facing similar situations and be able to have that support... and simply have fun and enjoy themselves. It humbles me every time I'm there.

Along the same lines, I recently had an incredible pleasure to meet the Watters family who live in a nearby suburb of Chicago. The youngest member of the Watters family, Benny, is battling the same cancer that Sadie faced. He was diagnosed in January of 2009, and is clearly beating the odds with his battle. I found out about this family through my sister (who is part of a great support of families who have faced similar battles with DIPG) and I contacted them saying where I work and asked if they ever wanted to come and visit, it'd be great to do a fun pastry project together or something. Well, after some correspondence and arranging of schedules, we were able to meet up at the hotel. I took them on a little tour of the hotel (the rooftop garden, the bees and the pastry shop), then they decorated cupcakes in the pastry shop and snacked on some delicious snacks. All the while, I was able to get to know them better and instantly felt such love and respect for them. We are already planning another cupcake event soon at their home. Here are a few pictures:


Suffice to say, it's been a great summer. While it has gone fast, it has been memorable beyond anything I could've hoped for. Work is going well... now. There was a small chunk of time there where I was struggling with meeting the expectations of my boss, and quite honestly, of myself. But as all lessons in life, I was able to work through it and was able to learn from the negative experiences to become more productive, effective and successful.

Regarding the training for the marathon, it's going quite fantastic. I have a time goal of 4:20:00 and I feel really optimistic that I'm going to be able to do that. My long runs have reached up to 25 miles and I am able to run home from work (which is roughly 9 miles) feeling really good. The marathon is coming up here in a few weeks (October 10) - so it's finally becoming a reality that this is really happening soon. I mentioned in an earlier blog about my new goal of 50 marathons in 50 states before I turn 50... well, my boss at work found out about that and is dedicated to trying to help me achieve this goal ASAP. She'll be in her office and call me in, with a serious tone. I am concerned when I go in, thinking I messed something up unknowingly, but she hands me a printout of a marathon in a neighboring state and says I should run that one to knock that state out of the way. Its nice to have that support at work for personal goals... I feel very lucky often to be working where I am.

Scott is back from his summer program - things were a little rocky for him coming back to a very open schedule after his intense schooling and going right into a summer program that worked him 6 days a week with ridiculous hours. As I'm sure any of us would agree, too much free time is not a good thing and Scott instantly felt desire to work. Unfortunately, the job market is still awful in Chicago and he was having a hard time finding any work, despite his qualifications, schooling and persistence in applying for any (and every) job that he could imagine doing. Gratefully, his choir job with the Chicago Symphony Orchestra began recently and his choir job at church will begin shortly - in addition to another job he got recently. So all in all, things are working out well. He was able to make some incredible contacts during the summer in Princeton and I wouldn't be surprised if by early next year, his professional career is incredibly busy. I have no doubt in my mind he's going to be wildly successful - and I don't just say that because I'm his partner and am madly in love with him - he is the type of person that has that drive to make his dreams a reality and nothing is going to come in the way of that. His voice is gorgeous, he is gorgeous and it's only a matter of time before he's performing all over the world. (You heard it here first, people.) Seriously. He's incredible. So... for now, it's great to have him home. But I am excited for him to go out there and fulfill his passion... his auditions for various programs/companies are coming up quickly, so it'll be exciting to see what happens and where he'll be going next.

What else... On a personal level, I've been feeling more of a drive to get in touch with my spirituality and relationship with God. I had a neat experience with one of my best friends recently when we were out to dinner. We were talking religion and spirituality and I was explaining my frustration with religion and how I'm not able to get out of religion what I desire. One thing I loved about the LDS church that I miss is the fact that there was 2/3 of the services devoted to teaching of doctrine and principles of the church. I miss learning about spirituality. I miss learning doctrine. I miss pulling out scriptures and referencing articles and taking notes. (Am I the only one who did this?!?!) I miss that aspect of my spirituality and I don't feel I've gotten it from any church I've been to since. Let me be clear in saying that I don't miss the LDS church - really. But I do miss learning and getting something out of lessons/sermons/etc. I was explaining to my friend how fluffy the church Scott and I go to is - the sermons are 'feel-good' types of sermons with 'Love everyone' mingled with cultural references so the congregation can relate in a very modern way. I can't stand it. I attempted every time I was there to get something out of it and all I heard was ethical babble about doing good - which is fine for some people, but I expect more for myself. So I told him that where I go to church now, God is fluffy. He has rainbows and puppies and everyone is great no matter what. My friend is actually studying to become a priest in the Catholic church, but has a background in Judaism, Mormonism, and even Wicca, among others - so this man knows spirituality... which is one great reason we get along so well. He asked me questions about what I expect of my spirituality and if I think I can get it from religion... Well, unknown to us, the table next to us was eves dropping on our conversation and as they got up to leave, one of the men handed me a slip of paper and said 'I think you might need this book. Good luck.' I opened the slip of paper and it said the title of a book called The Discernment of Spirits (by Timothy M. Gallagher). I don't believe in coincidences and I certainly am open to anyone who might have a suggestion on what I can do to help my spirituality, so I took this as a kind sign from a kind stranger and I ordered the book. I'm currently in the process of reading it now - it's a heavy book (and I don't mean the weight) - but it's an interesting idea that you can discern what comes from God by your feelings. If you hear something and you feel peaceful and happy with what you hear, then it comes from God. If you feel doubt or questioning or have a hard time thinking, then it comes from another source that is not of God. This definitely sounds more simple than how it's presented in the book, and maybe it really is that simple at the root of it all, but I think it's going to be a great tool as I learn more about this discernment of spirits and as I discover my spirituality more.

At any rate, this novel must come to a close - I have coffee in the morning with a dear friend and I still have miles to go before I sleep. Until next time.

It's Oh So Quiet

The apartment is so quiet right now. I guess I've grown accustom to hearing Scott listening to opera scenes on youtube or hearing him perfecting a piece that he's learning for one of his upcoming roles. But he is in transit to Princeton, New Jersey for the next two months for a summer program. I know he's going to be incredibly busy and I know I am going to be incredibly busy with my work - but here I am at day one and I already miss hearing him in the other room. It's something I'm sure I will get used to over time - The opera world seems to be incredibly transient with going from place to place for weeks to months at a time. I should've prefaced that with a "If you're good, the opera world seems to be transient"... And Scott is. He may be just starting out his professional career, but it's only a matter of time before he is singing all over the world, selling out opera theaters, getting standing ovations and such. I'll look back on this time and think "Wow. I had a hard time with him being gone for two months? Bitch, please." or something along those lines. Above it all, however, I am so proud of him. I have no doubt he's going to do (and be) amazing.

Aside from that, I had the entire day off - to myself. This past month was insane with looking for a new apartment, Scott's recital, Scott's graduation, people visiting from town every weekend for 4 weeks straight, wedding cakes and prom events at the hotel, being sick for a good 2 weeks (thanks to allergies I didn't know I had) - I feel like I've hardly had time to sit and breathe - and suddenly, there is a calm silence in the apartment and I can't help but feel like I should be running somewhere or doing something specific. But instead, after an emotional goodbye early this morning, I went back to sleep (and slept in), I took time making breakfast, I did yoga, went for an hour run along Lakeshore Drive, spend some time with kitty - just took time to enjoy myself again. I have plans this evening to research some things for a project at work, as well as research for my new blog www.pastrymelioration.blogspot.com. This blog was created with the thought that I fully intend to take my career to the next level and learn all I can to be the best - because, let's be real, it's inevitable that I'm going to be incredibly successful. I look quiet and soft-spoken, but I am ambitious and determined to constantly be better than I am. So, with that in mind, I realized recently that there are things in my career I need to work on, and I'm going to track those goals, lessons, and thoughts on that blog. Read it if you'd like, shout out some ideas/comments from time to time and we'll all have a splendid time learning something together.

All in all, the update is this: Things are going really well. I am getting back into my marathon training (there was a decent pause due to... well... the month of May [see previous paragraph]); the career is going incredibly well, especially with the wedding season already in full swing; We (Scott, myself and our roommate Jess) renewed our lease and are staying in our apartment for another year (thus, eliminating the stress of moving); Truly, I expect some great things to happen this summer.

One thing that was incredible (that I unfortunately missed due to being here in Chicago) was a golf tournament/silent auction that T and Zac set up in honor of Sadie, that benefitted 'The Cure Starts Now' chapter in Utah. The updates that I've been seeing from Sadies blog (sadiehuish.blogspot.com) as well as T's facebook have been showing that the event was a huge success. It is so exciting to hear about.

June is bound to be a very special/emotional month - I do look back on memories from last year fondly, but it was just such an awful situation to be going through and my heart aches when I think of Sadie being gone for an entire year. It is still so unbelieveable. One of many things I gained from being back in Utah last year was being grateful for each moment and taking advantage of it - that has definitely played heavily into my daily life.

More updates are sure to follow - especially with all this extra free time on my hands. :)

Now and Later

I discovered tonight that I actually enjoy running. Maybe it's because I've been doing a form of training for the past 3 weeks or so and perhaps it is finally something that my body responds incredibly positively to. Up until this point, running has been something that I do to stay in shape, avoid the diabetes that runs in the family, relieve some negative emotion, a way to discover neighborhoods, etc. - but I've never felt like I run because I love running - but alas, I now do. I am a runner. And along those same lines, I have gotten a keen itch that I want to continually have something to look forward to (in regard to fitness). I recently decided that I want to do a triathlon. I still do - but after reading books on it and researching what is needed for it, I have decided to postpone simply because of the lack of disposable income. If I, say, won the lottery and had an abundance of extra money floating around - Well, sure. I would get the essentials (and probably some non-essentials because I could.) But I will just wait for now and instead focus my workouts around running and cross-training - namely, introducing my legs to long distances and speed on the bike and also learning how to not flounder like a beached whale while I swim. It's a work in progress, but I've been devoting some quality time to it. My new goal in mind, however, is crazy and exciting. I have decided to run a marathon in every state by the time I'm 50. (50 before I'm 50 - get it?) I've always wanted to travel around - I don't care where, just discovering some place new that I've never been to. And what better way to discover a place than to devote 26.2 miles running around? I also decided that my 51st marathon will be the yearly marathon held in Athens, where the marathon came to be. Suffice to say I have my work cut out for me - but I'm looking forward to it. The Chicago Marathon this year is going to be held on October 10, 2010 (10-10-10) - so I'm pretty sure I will register for that little nugget and get this goal in action.

And great timing - I just finished a huge project at work, involving the creation, experimentation and execution of the new dessert menu for the restaurant at the Marriott and it. has. been. stressing. me. out. I have discovered throughout this process that I, in fact, am not a foodie. I don't necessarily crave foods or have specific comfort foods - in fact, when asked by my boss what my favorite dessert type comfort food it, I couldn't think of one. I still can't. I don't necessarily enjoy eating desserts - I usually eat a dessert because it's there in front of my face. I don't really go out of my way to make things for myself. I like to make things and pawn it off on people - I enjoy the creation aspect, I enjoy making the final product brilliant and I enjoy seeing people enjoy it. So - back to this menu - imagine me sitting down with a blank sheet of paper planning out 4-5 main desserts, 4 pies, 4-5 ice creams and a specialty drink, all with appropriate garnishes and plating presentations. *sigh* I felt like I was in school again and it seemed that I was putting more pressure on myself than I needed. The more I worked on it, the more I drew a blank. So I was given suggestions to help the creative flow. One, which I loved, was going through cookbooks, recipes and articles and picking out ones with interesting flavors. For instance, I saw an apple-oatmeal muffin that was flavored with maple syrup. So I wrote down 'Apple, Oatmeal, Maple' and thought about desserts that I'd enjoy that would include those ingredients. (The final product, by the way, is an Apple Oatmeal Stout Cake: The same idea as an upside down cake, with sauteed apples (in a maple sour cream sauce) on the bottom of an aluminum baking cup, then putting oatmeal cake batter (flavored with Guinness) on top. Bake that off, then when it comes out of the oven, turn it over on the plate (in all it's warm gooey gloriousness) and add house-made granola and a scoop of house-made maple ice cream.) So, while the entire process, in hindsight, was a great experience, I'm just exhausted from trying to get it all to work out and getting the menu up and running. Thanks to the incredible help the entire way from a co-worker, we were able to start the new menu today. No matter where you were, I'm sure you personally heard my sigh of relief this morning around 11:30 this morning when I finally set everything up and had finished the tasting with the restaurant staff. But like all things in life, you can never just stop and enjoy the moment - I got word today that we need to start thinking about the new menu for spring. Good times.

So - work is well. Health is well. And big news - I'm finally getting my ass back to Utah to see my family. It's funny how time has flown. I got caught up in work as soon as I got here and when I was able to have time off with the slow months at the beginning of the year, I couldn't afford to make it back there. God bless the tax return, because I booked my ticket and will be back in April. I imagine it'll be an emotional time, not only because it will have been roughly 9 months since I've seen them all last, but also because of our plans to run the Salt Lake 5K that weekend. The last time we did that, we were part of around 75 people, grouped together as Team Sadie, decked out in pink shirts (and facial hair in my brothers case) - Sadie was in a stroller, also decked out in Team Sadie apparel and pushed by T throughout the race. Two years later, we've decided to group up as a family and do this in remembrance and honor of Sadie - And I like to imagine that this year Sadie will be running along side us.

Anyway, I've had an exhausting day and need to take a breather away from the glow of a computer screen. In the words of a hymn, 'Happy day, all is well'.

(Did I really just reference a hymn? And of all the ones to reference, 'Come, Come Ye Saints?'. I'm keeping that line in because it's too random to delete.)

Until next time!

Holidays 2009

I'm starting this post in Kansas City, MO. I'm coming up on the tail end of an eventful holiday and am now here in Missouri supporting Scott in his first professional opera gig. Apparently a wealthy couple was celebrating their 50th anniversary and wanted to have opera singers perform their favorite opera. Scott was a part of this opera production this previous summer in Chicago, so was chosen to perform here in Kansas City. Pretty exciting... I'm trying to refrain from gushing, but, truth be told, I'm so proud of him.

This holiday season has been a great one. Full of emotion, but overall wonderful. Work has been incredibly stressful, but in a different way than before. Where a few months I was working some hard 70+ hour weeks, I am now barely able to make 40 hours - but still be expected to produce the same amount of work. I was tired before, but now I am physically exhausted and want to sleep all the time. Granted, I don't - thank God for coffee and other caffeinated products.

I can't really complain though. My executive pastry chef is exceptionally wonderful at her job - she is a rare breed that can completely fulfill both the pastry aspect and the management aspect of the position. She is understanding of where I'm at personally and professionally in my career and is very supportive in helping me become all I can be. That being said, she can be a gigantic bitch. There have been numerous times, I am not proud to admit, that she has come down on me for not being fast enough, for not assessing a situation properly or for not managing my time well enough. I know that as I write this, she is stretching me to become the best I can be - but there are times that I want to either scream and throw something or cry. Or both. Her and I recently had a sit down and talked about my goals and plans for the future. I expressed my interest in management and learning all I can in baking and pastry. So with that in mind, she has not forgotten on what I want to learn and continues to push me to the edge everyday.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm tired all the time. The stress of the job isn't just trying to get everything to look and taste perfect, it's the stress of getting it perfect in the fastest amount of time possible with a wonderful/frightening boss looking at your every move.

Which is why I've been truly enjoying my time away from work and from Chicago. I needed a break and the fact that it is the holidays and that Scott has a gig in a random city I've never been to helped me tremendously.

Christmas was great this year. Scott and I were actually able to wait until the 23rd to exchange gifts (usually neither of us can wait to give a gift, so we tend to give the gift the day we bought it). Scott got me a new camera and a beautiful glass mug set from Crate and Barrel, I got Scott a new external hard drive for his computer (doesn't sound exciting, but the man needed it) and a set of lovely champagne glasses from Crate and Barrel (great minds think alike). We also got each other stocking stuffers - I got him a new Vivica Genaux C.D. and he got me stainless steel measuring spoons and a wine bottle stopper. We also got each other the same snacks from World Market without the other knowing it - delicious imported grape gummies, dark chocolate bar with sea salt and ginger mints.

I worked the few days leading up to Christmas, including Christmas Eve. That day nearly killed me at work (see description of work above) and then I raced home to get ready for the Christmas service at church. There was a little pre-party with the choir members before the service started, then we all went over to the church to sing our little hearts out for the Christmas service. Its been pretty interesting singing with the choir. I, by no means, have a great singing voice - it is fairly average, in fact - but being able to sing the unique pieces we've sung and having the spiritual aspect of church to look forward to on a weekly basis has been a great experience. Not to forget, I love being a part of the choir when Scott is singing a solo - it sounds lame, but it makes me feel like I'm able to be a part of what he does and it makes me feel a little closer to him. That being said, the Christmas service was beautiful and full of music - some of the music was stunning, some that was a little odd - but all in all was a great privilege to be a part of. The service ended with the entire congregation singing Silent Night and the only light was from all of us holding candles - I'm not sure if that is typical of a Christmas service, but it was lovely and something I've never experienced. I got a tad emotional, given the year I've had, and I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed the entire experience. Especially since Christmas Eve has always been my family's time and it will always be hard to be away from them on that day. Talking on the phone with them during the party just isn't the same, you know? (Plus, I kept thinking how nice it will be to have this year over with. It has been such a rollercoaster.)

Anyway, the next morning, Scott and I got up early and hit the road. We were able to get to Des Moines by 1:00 or so and spent the entire day and night at his dad's house. It has been interesting to see an evolution in Scott and his dad's relationship - there has been quite a history with them, but the more Scott and I spend with his dad and his step-mom, Karen, the more I love and respect them. Take for instance the fact that they put a picture of Scott and I up in their home. It may seem small, but that little gesture nearly made me break out into tears. (Are you all getting the bottom line that I am emotional?!) I've never known acceptance like that - scratch that, not just acceptance, but love and support of us as a couple. They, as well as Scott's mom Collette, freely give us a place to stay whenever we are in town - I've never felt more welcome and more part of the family than I did over this holiday.

Scott and I got spoiled with gifts - we got some amazing books, some incredible cooking/baking supplies, among other things. The most exciting thing though was the fact that Scott's sister, Stacy, had her baby boy, Samson Ferris Hancock on December 28th. Unfortunately, it was the first night that Scott and I got into Kansas City, so we haven't been able to meet the little guy yet, but we are so excited to see him.

It made me think of all my nieces and nephews back in Utah - I sure miss them all so much. I miss Sadie everyday and thought of her a great deal over the past month - I still check Sadie's blog everyday. It has become habit. No longer am I checking to see if there is an update in her condition, but I still like to know that people besides me are thinking of her regularly. My sis does a great job at doing that.

God, what an emotional year. What an emotional holiday. Wish you all the best start to your new year - Oh. And Scott and I decided that instead of 'resolutions', we are doing 'New Years Renovations'. Feel free to jump on that train. ;)

Back home.

It's been nearly a week since I moved back to Chicago. I'm a little surprised how easily it was for me to be adjusted to living back in Chicago and getting accustomed to life here. It feels natural to wake up next to Scott, to have a whiny cat meowing at me for no reason, to walk to the train station to head downtown, to run along the trails near Lake Shore Boulevard and to bake random things in my kitchen. This truly feels like home. That being said, I find myself missing aspects of Utah - mainly things I did frequently, like random visits at family members houses, spending quality time with family and friends - but since I took advantage of those things while I was in Utah, I don't feel I missed out in any way. I have nothing but great memories to look back on - bittersweet in many aspects, but definitely great.

In regard to work, I had to take a drug test on Wednesday (I passed), had orientation on Friday, then started work on Saturday. I feel like it will take some getting used to - but that is the case with any job. I know how to do many of the tasks required of me, but knowing how it's supposed to be done specifically at the Marriott is the tricky thing. I'm sure I'll get the hang of things soon and am really excited to get to that point where I can work an entire day without asking what is expected of me or if there is something else I should be doing. Luckily, the crew I work with is incredibly helpful and so easy to get along with. I can tell there is a strong sense of trust and unity among them, which makes it all the more exciting to be involved in that type of environment. Overall though, I love it already. I imagine things will continue to get better as the days progress.

All in all, being back in Chicago is going very well. It is hard to be away from family and close friends, but knowing that I have their support - and given the fact that we all have phones, texting, e-mailing, etc. makes the distance seem, well... not so distant. I do find, however, that at random moments I miss Sadie terribly. Today Scott was playing Mika while he was making dinner and the song Any Other World came on. Unknown to nearly anyone, I played that song repeatedly before and after Sadie's passing - and haven't played it since. Hearing it today brought back the raw emotion and I wasn't ready for it. I feel bad in some aspect because Scott knew something was wrong, but I couldn't really express how it felt then and how it feels now. I feel like I'm walking around with a large wound that is healing incredibly slow and from time to time something hits me that makes me start to bleed again. And I find there's nothing I can do but let it bleed until it stops - and then I'll continue on.

With that in mind, and given the experience I had while in Utah, I really want to become actively involved with helping organizations associated with childhood cancers - I still need to do research to what type of organizations are out here in Chicago. When I look back on all the support, love and selflessness from the community during Sadie's battle, it makes me want to help in any way I can for other families facing similar situations.

All in all, I have very high expectations of myself here in Chicago - just because I was able to obtain my dream job doesn't mean the dreaming and reaching for goals will ever stop. I expect some great things to happen...

A life lesson

The desire to express my emotion through writing comes at the strangest moments - when I'm driving to work, while I'm running - usually never when I'm sitting in my room with nothing pressing to take care of. As luck would have it, I am in my room tonight with nothing pressing to take care of and I felt the need to write. I am jumping at the chance.

My last entry was a couple of weeks ago in anticipation for my visit back to Chicago to see Scott for his birthday. It was an amazing trip - it was so great to be with Scott, simply being together doing the everyday things we would normally do. I had a tremendously hard time coming back - in the last few hours we were together (and hours preceding), tears fell consistently and I wondered what might happen if I 'accidentally' missed my plane.

Well, the weeks since that trip have been short, but the tears have continued to fall for different reasons. If you are reading my blog, I can almost certainly wager you have been visiting my sisters blog as well. It is heartbreaking to read her words and to know what she and that beautiful family are going through. I tend to read her entries and feel like this experience is a gut-wrenching story that has no connection to me whatsoever. Like it's simply one of those Lifetime stories you allow yourself to cry with while you watch it and then the T.V. turns off afterward and you move on. But the truth of the matter is that this is my niece who is dying and this is my sister who is facing a situation no parent should ever have to face.

I've been trying to go over there when I can to at least help out with Olivia and Sam so that T and Zac can focus more attention on Sadie and her needs. The one thing I can say about ours and Zacs family that I truly admire is that no matter how much Sadie's condition regresses, our family adapts to those changes and works through them - still knowing that Sadie is just as intelligent and gifted as always. The same goes for Sadie - no matter what physical challenges she faces, she still smiles and laughs and meets those challenges head on. It is inspiring.

Recently, I've been talking to my friend Caitlin what I've been feeling and I told her how work, while draining me physically, has been a perfect distraction from the situation my family is facing and me being away from Scott. She replied by telling me Harmon's is a big building called Denial. I laughed - but agreed. Since then however, I've noticed a parallel between the lives of those around me lately at work. Here are a few examples of situations that my co-workers have faced recently:
Surgery to remove prostate cancer; the death of a father to Alzheimers Disease; the death of a boyfriend, whom my co-worker had been dating for over a year; the death of a brother-in-law to colon cancer. And while all of these situations are completely horrible, they have all learned from these situations and have shared their wisdom to me - whether they realize it or not. Mainly, to truly live life while you have it; to take time to own your emotions, no matter what it is; to love those you care about unconditionally while you have them in your lives; and to remember the achievements of ones life, not focus on their death. I know that just looking at these people on the surface, you'd never have imagined these challenges they've faced - But they are making it through. And as much as I can't comprehend what the next few weeks may hold, I hope I'm able to follow the examples of those people during this difficult time.

Going home.

I'm going to be flying back to Chicago tomorrow for an extended weekend in honor of Scott's 25th birthday... I should be asleep considering the day I've had, but I am too excited. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that it feels like being a kid on Christmas Eve with the anticipation of what the next day is going to bring. Scott and I have been talking everyday since I moved back to Utah and while I still feel he knows everything about what's going on in my life than anyone else, I can't wait to be able to spend these few days being face to face with him. We won't need to say much of anything because we don't need to catch up at all - just being together will be enough.

This little vacation back home to Chicago couldn't have come at a more perfect time - work, while such a tremendous blessing to have, is literally wearing me thin. Since I started working with Harmon's, I've been averaging about 55+ (very physical) hours a week. This week would've been even more intense considering I only worked three days and clocked out today with almost 38 hours. There is just always something more that needs to be done... once I think I have things pretty well under control, I find that there are a least a few other things that need taken care of. And because I have the experience to do those things, they tend to fall directly on my shoulders. There, my friends, lies the blessing and curse of going above mediocrity on a daily basis.

And that is the surface.

Underneath the exterior, work has been a incredibly wonderful distraction from being away from Scott and to not get my mind distracted how Sadie is doing. I won't lie, I worry. A lot. My mom somehow instilled that in me and I haven't been able to shake it. So I've found that working as much as I have has not only given me more financial security (which means less stress in one area of my life. Woot.) but forces me to prioritize my time and energy effectively to avoid those lulls in my life where I sit dormant. When I work this much, I tend to take advantage of the time I have free to spend time with my family or to be at the gym or take care of those odds and ends that get left behind.

I think today was the final drop that made the glass overflow - my fatigue caught up with me. It's the type of feeling where you want to go home, spend an evening on the couch watching a movie with your love. And that is exactly what I intend on doing. (Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get a massage or something.)



I realized recently that I tend to be incredibly personal on this blog. If you're reading this, I hope you don't mind that I am. But truth be told, I never write with the intention that anyone will ever read it (except myself when I'm feeling reflective) - so I'm always somewhat taken aback when someone asks me about something I wrote in this blog. I don't know - there's a sense of freedom in expressing words to the world that you never know someone may hear.

Mid-February Ramble

As I'm beginning this, I'm realizing that I don't have much to say... I just feel like I need to write. So here I am. (That is the only warning you guys are going to get... if I end up on some tangent and type out senseless babble for the next little while, consider yourself warned.)

Things are going well here in Chicago. This week was good for work - I ended up getting a few shifts (lately, I've been averaging about 2-3 shifts per week). When the dramatic decline in work shifts began, I was so upset - but now I am just grateful to have a job and to have any shifts at all. There were a few lay-offs at work and in my field, open positions are scarce. That being said, I've been keeping my eye out for positions elsewhere - either for a part-time job or full-time if they can guarantee hours. Gratefully, I got a call back this past week for a position in the bakery of Treasure Island (a upscale grocery store here - although I keep thinking Vegas whenever I say the name). I'll be calling them this coming week to set up an interview and hopefully start soon so I can have a more steady income coming in. Time's are hard, but you do what you gotta do, right? I feel like things are going to work out great though - I figure it's just a matter of time.

I know this may sound a bit strange, but I feel like this whole gap in my work schedule and all this down time is meant to be for my benefit. I don't think I've ever had this much time to be so reflective on life, my ideas, my plans, my beliefs. And, here's the interesting part, I feel like I have something to learn - but I'm not sure what quite yet. Yes, money is tight - and I imagine it will be substantially tighter as the lack of shifts at the Westin progress, but so far, it's worked out. So, we'll see...

Family in Utah is doing great as far as I can tell - I get random updates from my mom throughout the week. She is hilarious - she knows all of my siblings business (and my own, of course) and then takes it upon herself to update everyone of the kids of the others business. That may be the case for most families, but it never ceases to crack me up. It's to the point that whenever I talk to my brother or sisters, we can pick up our conversation without doing catching up.
Side Story: For Valentines Day, I wanted to get Scott flowers, but flowers die and Scott is more horticultural than most people I know - so I figured we should get a plant for the apartment. We ended up going to Lowe's to do our plant searching and it was the exact same layout as the one in Utah that Scott and I would go to when we lived downtown. I guess we were in there for a while because when we went outside again, I expected the large Wal-mart on 1300 South to be across the street. When it finally clicked that I was in Chicago, I felt like I'd been sucker punched with homesickness. Moments like that don't happen very often so it took me a bit off guard (and I was fine soon after), but there are still moments I miss being in Salt Lake City - the closeness to family, the familiarity, etc.
So - circling back around, I appreciate my dear mom. She keeps me so up-to-date with how everything is, I almost feel like I'm there. I don't talk much to my siblings - my sister is a mother of 6; my other sister is a mother of 3 and has extra demands with Sadie's condition; and my brother and his wife both work full-time and raise 2 kids - so their lives are all incredibly busy. But I miss them all terribly. I can't say that I'd see them any more than I do now if I was back in Utah with how hectic our lives can all be, but the emotion is still there.

Anyway, yesterday was Valentines Day - and I'll admit, I've always been one of those people who despise the day. If not for anything else, for the blatant commercialism and the expectation that you need to buy things for the one you love to prove you love them. That being said, I think Scott and I went a little overboard this year with Valentines - he gave me some great gifts, including a new Walkman MP3 player - I gave him some gifts, we made breakfast together, I met him downtown after his shift with a rose (so everyone would know that the hot guy working at the Gap is taken...), he made some delicious alfredo with scallops, I made a red-velvet cake with cinnamon buttercream frosting and we watched a romantic gay comedy (naturally). So - while I had never been a fan of Valentines before, I have been converted to the idea that a day of love is worth indulging in. Especially when I have someone who, after two years, still makes me smile for no reason at all and my heart jump.

To close, I wanted to share a few pictures from a couple runs I did around the city. Lately, I've discovered the thrill of running in cold weather. It sounds so strange, but it is so exhilarating to run in snow and be motivated by nothing else but the fact you need to move or freeze. So, that being said, these pictures were taken from my camera phone and are from two different runs and two different areas along the coast of Lake Michigan.

Really.

Dear Shitty Economy,

As much as I love all the time off that my work has been forced to give me because of you, I really enjoy working and making money. I'm not going to point any fingers or blame anyone or anything, Economy, for the reason you are so damn shitty, but it's time to turn things around.

With love,

Nik

My lack of personality is catching up with me...

The past few weeks, like I said in my last post, have been filled with work... and now I finally have time to sit and jot down a few things.

First off, do you guys remember me telling you about the Marriott Downtown and how they made a part-time position for me after I rocked their stage? Well. Here's the update. They told me that all I needed to do was fill out the online application and the personality test and we'd be squared away. I'm not sure what exactly they were looking for, but the first time I didn't pass the personality assessment. So I got a call back from the Executive Pastry Chef there (who I get along very well with) and she told me the news. She asked me to try it again, but this time fill out every answer the way the Marriott would ideally want... just play it up. So I did. And I didn't pass it again. So I got another call from her asking me to try it again - annoyed, but really wanting this position, I did it. I even called a dear friend who works at the Marriott for some advice on what I might need to do to pass it. So I felt confident in the test and sent the Marriott a message telling them I finished the application and waited to hear back from them.....
.....Fast forward 2 1/2 weeks and I still hadn't heard anything. It was hard not to assume that I didn't pass or that they decided not to create that position they had made for me - but I gave it one last effort and e-mailed the pastry chef about the results. It turns out that I didn't pass the personality portion again and that they ended up giving the position to someone else. Needless to say, I was a little furious. And confused. As Scott reminded me, I had worked for Marriott twice before - they seemed to like my personality then... why not now? Suffice to say, I don't care much for personality tests anymore. I have the experience, I have the knowledge, and I was even offered the position - but because of that test, it didn't work out. I am very much of the belief that everything happens for a reason, so with the effort and time I put into this position and having it still not work out, I can't help but feel that it just wasn't meant to be from the start. I'm not sure why... but when I figure it out, I'll let you all know.

That's the most recent drama in my life. Other than that, things are going very well. Work at the Westin is getting back to normal - I just filled out all the information for benefits for Scott and I... so we should have insurance just in time for the winter. It's so weird sometimes to be an adult - I never expected something like insurance for me and my partner to be high on the list of my priorities. But I'm glad it is now - I'm sure it'll come in handy. :)

Anyway, Halloween is coming up, which is actually my sisters birthday! Growing up, we'd always deck out thehouse in Halloween decorations - it was always a big deal. This year is no exception... Scott decided to throw a big Halloween party, so I took it upon myself to decorate the apartment with pictures, spider webs, lights, pumpkins, etc. It's pretty much the shit. And as an added bonus, I'm dressing up as David Bowie from the Labyrinth.
Granted, my facial features aren't as pointy - but other than that, I have the whole damn outfit ready. Including a large package. Pictures are sure to follow.

And lastly and very importantly, Scott's opera is this weekend!! I'm so excited to see then man in action. He's been telling me how crazy his character is and how he rocks it - so I'll be sure to tell you more about that in the near future.

reflections on friendships

There is a stretch of road while I drive to work that runs through a wooded park... I was on my home today and realized what an array of color there was in the trees - I love autumn... It's nice to see everything so rustic and colorful - and also nice to have it a little cooler. Word from my family says that Utah has seen snow a couple times already - thank godfully, I have not. I still have time to enjoy the scenery for a few more weeks.

Work is busy - hence, my lack of writing. I've also been doing quite a bit of self-reflection lately - Hell, I always do - but this has involved thinking about my past, experiences with school, experiences with friends, relationships I've built - some I've held on to and some I've let slip away. I don't know if you guys have gotten that e-mail that puts friendships in terms or being there for a reason, a season, or lifetime friends... I know I've gotten it at least 5 times - if you haven't, let me know and I'll send it to you. Anyway, I haven't read the e-mail for a while, but randomly at work, the words popped in my mind and I got thinking about my friendships that I've had throughout my life. I feel that I have been an unconditional friend to many and there have been quite a few who have taken advantage of that. But more importantly, there are an incredible few that have been completely unconditional in return. Then I thought of those who were in my life for a reason and haven't been in my life since. Then I thought of those friends who were in my life through different stages - in high school, or on my mission, or in Las Vegas. And while I think of these friends fondly, I really don't expect them to call me and I have no intention on calling them. Long story short, I ended up deleting my myspace account because I had a giant list of friends who, while I love and have experienced so much with, were there for a specific reason in my life or at a time in my life that I've evolved from. For example, I have some dear friends who I met while I was a missionary - and for a while I did all I could to keep in contact... but as I have changed from a faithful LDS missionary to a pastry chef living with his boyfriend in Chicago, I found I don't have the connection I once did. I'm just not sure anymore if I should make a strong effort to keep something alive that I no longer really recognize... Any thoughts?

Work and Play

Can't believe it's already been a week - Time sure does fly. This one will be a quick one, but more or less, an update. I wrote last week that I did end up getting a job at Zed451... yes, it didn't meet my expectations financially, but after a week of work, I can honestly say that this job is something I needed. Beside the fact that I feel really good about being there (let's be honest - trusting ones intuitions and feelings is probably the best thing anyone can ever do) - so that, in itself, has made working there that much better. Secondly, I think I got a little too caught up in the magical world of cakes while in Utah and got a bit rusty on my pastry skills - Nothing more humbling than being asked to make pate a choux, biscotti, marshmallows, and creme brulee base (all from scratch and all to be started and completed within a few hours) when I haven't done it for a few years. Good times. But I can say that I make a mean eclair now after a few days of practicing and getting it right. :)
So, I feel good about working. I like working - what is it that people say about idle hands? I don't remember - but I get bored very easily when I'm not occupying my time with work. Bless Scott's heart for having to entertain me for the past 3 weeks. :) Things are finally starting to pick up... we're getting into a routine now - this week especially since Scott is starting his school - doing tests and getting classes ready and me having a 40-hour work week. Since I need to have a little more flow coming in, I'm still looking for part-time work... something more simple and possibly retail... If you guys have any suggestions on where I should I apply, let me know. I'm up for anything. I'm thinking Crate and Barrel or Sur La Table... you know, somewhere that I can get a decent discount for items I need for my kitchen. :)
Anyway, tonight Scott had an orientation at school, which left me home alone for the first night since we moved here... which left me free to blast Ani Difranco, Jude and Janet Jackson from the stereo (some of my FAVORITE artists of all time that Scott can't stand) and I painted a picture.
A little background... I started this project in Salt Lake City about a week before we left. As I was packing things away, I found a folder with dozens and dozens of poems that I had written while I was on my LDS mission and the few months following. At the time, writing poetry was literally the only outlet I had, so most all of these poems were either horribly depressing or riddled with metaphors and symbolism for the sake of...well, being symbolic and metaphorical... but to the point that I can't even look at these poems with out getting a huge pit in my stomach and being instantly transported emotionally to the past. So... what did I do? I cut out a phrase or a word from each of the poems and pasted them to a blank canvas. I vowed to myself when I was feeling optimistic and artistic, I'd finish the project. Well, weeks later, here I was with a free night to myself and a canvas filled with past emotion. So... with my music blaring, I painted the entire canvas black and decided to do this painting with a chakra theme. So, I slit 7 lines in the canvas and painted each slit a color coordinating with each of the chakras. I will take a picture of this tomorrow and post it - I am actually quite proud of this.
Anyway, this didn't end up being short at all... See what happens when I get going?