Decisions Made

Today was the 9th day in a row that I worked... but I finally have a day off tomorrow, so I'm taking the chance now to write down some thoughts before I go to bed.
I made a decision about Chicago - Scott and I are planning on moving near the end of July. After I wrote that last blog, Scott was concerned about what exactly my intentions were (because my choice would obviously affect him in a substantial way). So we went on a long walk around the neighborhood and talked about exactly what we were feeling and what we think would be best. After a long discussion, the ultimate decision came from the idea that Sadie may be alive for a lot longer than doctors expect... and life should be lived until something happens. I won't lie - it is still hard for me to think about... but I feel good about making this decision.
So - Scott and I are moving to Chicago. In three months, I will be moving across the country to a large city I've never even been to. While I am torn inside about the thought of leaving family and a little annoyed that things are finally working out career-wise in Utah for me, I've very optimistic about moving to Chicago. I feel like an immigrant coming to America - like Chicago is my 'land of opportunity' or something. I think it will be the perfect place for Scott and I in regard to our careers and I feel that it will be a great growing opportunity for our relationship. I'm looking forward to that...

I don't know what else to say... I should probably be in bed now - my only day off this week is tomorrow and I'll be spending it making some cakes for my friend Warren. He has been teaching classes for his church, and they are having their confirmation this weekend. So I'll be making two 1/2 sheet cakes for the event. It'll be some good experience for me - I feel like I've been slacking in that area since I took on this management position at Harmon's. My first love is cakes and decorating and I sure as hell don't do enough of it at work... so I think it'll be relaxing for me to get back in touch with what I love.

Another thing I'm getting back into is marathon training. My sister, her husband and I are part of a relay marathon this June. There will be 12 of us running from Logan to Park City - and the great thing is that each one of us runs a portion of the race. I think there are about 3 different runs for each of us (ranging from 3-6 miles each, varying in difficulty with hills/mountains and whatnot). I knew about this marathon at the beginning of this year and I started out with my training very strong - then I heard about Sadie and I literally lost all motivation to do anything. It was like that for about a month... after that, my position at work became more involved and I couldn't find time... and now, I have two months left and I need to get my ass in check. I've been running this week - but I'm rusty as hell. *sigh* I'll do better. I'm getting back in my groove... I think.

Anyway, enough chit chat. Time for bed... Good night everyone.

Hardest Decision

I'm caught in one of the most difficult situations I think I've been faced with for a while... As many of you may already know, Scott and I were planning on moving near the end of this summer. Scott had applied and auditioned to various schools for his graduate program and, gratefully, was accepted into many of those schools. The best offers he got were both in Chicago at DePaul University and Roosevelt University. Through some tough decision on his part, he chose to accept Roosevelt University's offer... so moving and plans for relocating our lives are in the works.
I've been planning on this move for a while. I always felt if I was going to get some adequate experience and actually be successful in my field, I'd need to go to a larger city. Salt Lake City, sadly, is a little behind in the times as far as appreciation for culinary arts is concerned. People here, as a whole, aren't willing to pay good money for incredible culinary work and to get ahead in my field, I'll need to go elsewhere. Chicago is ideal. There are many incredible places to find work and with a large city like that, getting some of the experience I'm looking for wouldn't be a large issue. And most importantly, I'd be with Scott. It would be an exciting new time in our lives and in our relationship to be in a new city.
There is only one thing that is holding me back... Sadie.
I'm trying to believe in miracles and I pray that her condition will change - but the more research I find about her condition, the more reality takes over and damages my faith. And for that reason, I find it hard to consider leaving my family during this fragile time. I've said this before on my blog, but I feel that my family and I have a very unique bond - we rely on each other during difficult times. And I think part of me would almost need to be near, not only for their sakes, but for mine in the event of Sadie's passing. I keep thinking of moving to a new city and experiencing a new life and then getting a call - across the country - telling me that my niece has passed away. I don't know if I'd be able to handle it.
I keep thinking of experiences I've had with death... and how I've been heavily involved, yet, for one reason or another, have been distanced from it. My dad, for instance - I was only 4 years old... His passing played a dramatic role in my life, simply because I didn't understand it at the time and it took me years afterward to finally get a grip on the reality of the situation. Then I think of my grandma, who passed away when I was on my mission. I can still remember attempting to be optimistic in my letters, saying things like 'When get home, you and I will have to do this" or "After I get back, you'll have to tell me all about it" - knowing that her condition was getting worse. She actually passed away a few months before I returned home... I had to lament her passing hundreds of miles away.
And maybe that is where I have the most problem with this situation. I feel like I'm leaving a situation I have no control over... It feels like I'm closing my eyes during a scary movie - attempting to miss the worst moment of the movie with my own eyes, knowing that it's happening - and taking my hands off my eyes and dealing with the rest of the movie. Am I hiding from my own fears?
But is it right to put my life on hold with the idea that I'm waiting for another life to end? It almost seems contradictory and in a way, disturbing.
All I know is that I know my family wants me to stay, but understands if I'd leave. I also know that Scott wants me to go, but understands if I'd stay. This is one of those decisions I know I have to make for me - but I pray that I make the choice I won't look back on and regret.

What a weekend...

What a weekend... Both Scott and I have been looking forward to this weekend for quite a while. Friday night, Scott played the lead role of Candide in Leonard Bernstein's production of Candide. He did such an incredible job - as I'm writing this, Scott is reviewing a recording of the performance and it sounds completely beautiful... He is truly talented. Everyone came up to me afterward and was gushing over how wonderful Scott is and how remarkable his performance was. I don't know if there will be a review of it in the paper, but just in case keep your eye out for the name Scott Brunscheen. Lord knows in the years to come, we'll all be seeing his name all over the place. My boy is AMAZING.



I also had the great pleasure of meeting Scott's family. I won't lie... I've been a little intimidated to meet them for the past year or so, but they are some of the sweetest people I have ever met. His family has a special bond like me and my family do... I felt very comfortable around them whenever I was around them... In fact, Scott had to go to the second performance of Candide tonight to support the other cast and his family invited me to hang out with them - surprisingly, it wasn't awkward at all and we seemed to get along very well. That, in itself, it a HUGE relief to me... you have no idea.

The other wonderful thing about this weekend was the 5K for Sadie. This is something that I have been anticipating for over a month. I had a feeling it was going to be a big deal - but I didn't imagine how great the turnout was going to be. The final count for Sadie's team ended up being 95... most of us had made pink shirts sporting 'Team Sadie' on the front, with a large 5 on the back - and the Riverton High School softball team rallied together and made shirts of their own. Seriously, there were people on 'Sadie's Team' ALL OVER the race. It was such a wonderful feeling to look at the crowd and see pink shirts and the number 5 spotted all over. It was also a very humbling experience... for about a mile or so, I walked with my sister, Sadie and Sammy and the whole experience seemed very surreal. There was such a positive energy in the air - it was almost hard to believe that we were all there for a small 5-year-old girl.






When my other sister Heather and I ran the Salt Lake Marathon a few years back, we ran it in memory of our Dad who we lost to cancer. The race benefited the Huntsman Cancer Institute here in Utah, it was held on his birthday and I remember vividly the whole experience being very emotional. I think part of me still had that engraved in my mind as I was beginning the 5K... I almost felt like I was walking for a memory, for pain, for loss and sadness, for the idea of cancer being something that can't be overcome, but painfully tolerated. But today as I walked with my sister and Sadie, I realized that this walk wasn't anything like that at all. It was a walk for life and for hope. It was about community and togetherness - the idea that many people from different aspects of life, who in many cases didn't even know each other, grouping together in support and hope for a 5-year-old girl. It was so humbling and such a moving experience. While it is sad to know the race is over, it's so wonderful to know that the support and love is still very apparent... it doesn't need to be in the form of pink shirts dotted throughout a marathon course - but today it was. And it was amazing. Here are some other highlights:

Wilting Lupins

I just got home from work and decided I had nothing better to do than sit on the couch and look around online at various things... I currently have two cats laying on me and I'm staring out my patio door at the Salt Lake Valley.
It's good times... And since I'm so relaxed (and my cats are as well) here are a few things that have caught my attention over the past few days.

* I enjoy math. Who knew. At work we did training on various formulas to determine everything in the store from the average cent per customer on a given day to individual sale items and how they are factoring into the overall financial goals of the store... Things like that. I didn't think I'd like it, but I found it very fascinating... And I couldn't help but feel that the knowledge/experience I acquired would be beneficial in the future... not necessarily at Harmon's either. Maybe when I open my own business, perhaps?

* I hate rat tails. Do you know what a rat tail is? Hold on... let me google it real quick and see if I can find a picture -
Woof. That is some nasty shit. I was driving home from work the other day and I saw a whole group of kids with rat tails... is it a new trend? Because whoever told these children that rat tails were a good idea were lying - and laughing soon after. And for your viewing pleasure, another picture that was pulled up from google:
Lesson of the day? Don't get a rat tail and don't pull rats tails. They are both bad news.

* I had a lady that helps out in the bakery tell me "You know, you are such a sincere, sweet person. When you get higher manager positions, I bet you are going to have the best employees working for you because of your character and how you treat everyone." Honestly, I don't take compliments well, so I smiled and said thanks - but I thought that was such a randomly sweet thing to say. So I had to write it down here so I don't forget it.

* So my combined family (which translates to Pugmire/Morley family) had a large family picture last Sunday. I always thought that we had a big family, but seeing those pictures... Jeezy Chreezy - I'm going to have to get a panoramic frame for it. It was great to get everyone together... We typically see each other at holidays and sporadically throughout the year at random events and birthdays and whatnot, but it was great to spend time with everyone together. I think this situation with Sadie has really opened my eyes to the fact that we can't take time for granted. Time's just flies by too fast...

*Speaking of time, I can't believe it's already well into April. And I can't believe that we're still getting snow. I think we need to sign a petition and take it to the (wo)Man in charge and say "Look - winter's great and all, but seriously. It's time to let this snow thing go for the season, mmk?" or something a little more eloquent but along those same lines. Scott got me a big planter box for Easter with two lupin plants and one rose bush... The lupins are all sad and dying because of the snow...(I think it's because of the snow... I like to think that I can take care of plants... I talk to them sometimes. They like that right? But what do you say to a wilting lupin? I'm not experienced enough to know how to handle this situation... my first instinct is to uproot and throw, but it's a gift, you know?) :)

Well, the cats are up and whining for food so I should probably close this out. Tomorrow is my day off and I'll be spending it with some of my favorite ladies - My mom, sister and nieces. I have the pleasure of accompanying Sadie to her treatment tomorrow... I'm actually really looking forward to it. I think one of the greatest fears I have about Sadie's cancer is that everything involved with it is so familiar, yet so unknown. I hope to learn more about what Sadie is facing - that way at least I'll know... you know?

Happy Wilting Lupin Day everyone! (It's a holiday I just made up - It's totally going to catch on.)

It's April

I'm really struggling with a lot of things right now. I truly believe that all things happen for a reason, but I fail to make sense of what is going on with Sadie. I'm really trying to be positive about this situation and I'm really trying to do all I can to help, but at the same time I feel so helpless... I wish there was something concrete that I could do that could flip a switch, so to speak... just turn everything around for the better. I've been so down lately and I think it's partly because I'm so angry and I just don't know where to place it. Obviously it's no ones fault that Sadie has cancer but I can't help but have an overwhelming desire to lash out and scream obscenities at someone for causing it. God, perhaps? But it would almost be too easy to blame God - and at the same time, not worth it. I'm attempting to gain an eternal perspective on it all, but it's hard to look at eternity when the moments of a single day seems to precious to overlook. Yet on the other hand, I almost feel like all of our lives are an individual puzzle piece that contributes to some large beautiful picture that only God can see... I'm just attempting to make sense of where Sadie's piece fits - and mine for that matter.

In other less philosophical and more optimistic news, I had the privilege of joining my mom, sister and my three beautiful nieces at breakfast this morning. They were all downtown for some blood work that Sadie needed done, so we all met up after they were done at Primary Children's at a Village Inn about a block away from my flat. It was so great to see them - it seems that time seems a lot more precious these days and even a week feels like years. Sadie is still as sweet as ever. Her cheeks have gotten a bit bigger since the last time I saw her - I guess it's in part to the steroids that she is taking - but she still giggles as much as ever at Olivia and Sam and she still laughs and yells at me when I try to steal her food (what can I say - her food looked good...). She's a doll. T just told me that Sadie told her that she wants to be a chef when she grows up and that she loves the Food Network. So Sadie and I are planning a day where we make a vanilla cake with chocolate frosting - with gumdrops on top. It should be intense. I'm really looking forward to it...

I apologize if I seem so consumed by Sadie and what's going on. I really can't explain it well, but I really feel that my mom and siblings share a unique bond. After my dad passed away, we really relied on each other for strength and when one of us was in pain, we were all in pain. I feel that's the case still.

I watched V for Vendetta tonight. It is such a profoundly beautiful show and I never get tired of watching it. There is a scene (that, luckily, I found on you tube) that brings me to tears every time and I want to share it with you. The scene shows Evey (played by Natalie Portman) who is being held prisoner and tortured so she will reveal the whereabouts of V (the good guy of the show who has been urging people, through acts of terrorism, to stand up against the oppressive government) She won't give in and the torture continues - but she then finds a note of another prisoner in the wall of her cell and... well... watch away...



I love the line, "Our integrity sells for so little but it is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us... but within that inch, we are free."

And finally, near the end of her letter she says " Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch. It is small and fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.

I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you.

With all my heart. I love you."

It is so beautiful...

simply amazed...

The other night, Sadie's story was featured on the channel 5 news here in Salt Lake City. (Here's the link to the KSL website: http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=148&sid=2928282#) I was so impressed by T and Zac. They have such amazing strength and have such love and faith. It continues to astound me everyday. One of the great things about the story was the comments on the story afterward. There was such a strong support for the family and so many people, who don't even know the Huish's personally, offering prayers, sympathy and support. If there is anything great coming out of this situation, it is the fact that it is bringing out the best in people. It is causing people to stop thinking about the small, minute things in their own personal life and focus some very real faith and love to someone else. It's completely selfless and completely beautiful... In a world that is supposedly filled with negative things, this situation reaffirms that there is something sincere and selfless about humanity. That fills me with hope.

It's been amazing to see the support to me personally as well. Honestly, I haven't been taking this news very well at all. I tend to lay in bed at night and look at the lights over the Salt Lake valley and just think. It's almost a numb feeling at times and I find it hard to find motivation - It's strange to admit. I mean, I'm Sadie's uncle. I'm not necessarily that close with my uncles, so I feel at times that it's odd to see myself in such a complete mess about this. But then I think about my nieces and nephews... Oh my God. They are all such great kids. I may not see them every weekend or send them cards on birthdays, but I love them like they are my own. I mean, I think it comes with being gay... I may not have children of my own, so I completely adore the relationships that I have with each of them. Its the small things - like recently, before anyone knew of Sadie's condition, I met T at the South Towne Mall and was there when Sadie and Olivia got their ears pierced. I cherish those moments with all of my nieces and nephews - and now this situation makes me cherish them that much more... But, I think people around me have noticed a change and know of the situation and have really stepped in and helped me during this time. Scott has been a damn saint - he keeps all of his opera friends and his co-workers up to date with the race and Sadie's condition. He also gives me space when I need it, or comfort, or just let's me cry on his shoulder. He even posted a comment on the KSL website, rebuking the nasty comments, then leaving a positive message let people know about the 5K. I feel really grateful to have him during all this. And then there are friends that I have had little contact with before, who have called or e-mailed and wanted to know that they are thinking of me and the family. It makes me realize what a tremendous support I have as well.

It is such a bittersweet moment for me in life...

By the way, people keep signing up for the 5K everyday. Since I'm the one who put together the team '5 for 5 - 5K for 5-year-old Sadie huish' on the Salt Lake Marathon page, I'm the team captain. So automatically, when people sign up for the race, it sends me notification. It is going to be so intense - so many people have let me know of their support for Sadie and the family... I can't wait to see the turnout.

I need to update the other blog, but check back at five-for-five.blogspot.com. There will probably be more information about shirts and whatnot in the next week or so.

Happy Easter

So, it's one in the morning. Scott is asleep on the couch and I'm tapping away on his laptop in the bedroom. The apartment is very quiet and the only sounds are of passing cars and the occasional Trax train speeding by. I feel good today and it feels good to say that.

I worked the closing shift tonight at work. It was a busy, hectic mess at work, but exciting nonetheless. It was the night before Easter, so everyone was frantic getting their last minute gift ideas and ingredients for meals, etc. One of my main jobs tonight was writing names on the individual chocolate eggs... God, I don't think I can even count how many I did tonight... But the whole hussle of the shoppers and the abundance of pastel colors blurring by really got me thinking about Easter. For a Christian, it is such a miraculous holiday. In fact, I'd go as far to say if you were a believer of Jesus Christ, Easter would be the pinnacle holiday in your book. Sure, Christmas is fine. Yay for an immaculate conception and all - but the resurrection?! That is incomprehensible. It is something worth celebrating - I hope that more people do an incredible amount off celebrating today. As for me, I'm reveling in the fact that I have the whole day off to spend with the man I love and enjoy a holiday that is symbolic of life and new beginnings.

Regardless of who you are or what you believe, I hope you enjoy a great Easter.