highlights and editing

I'm back.

I took a little hiatus simply because I haven't really had time to sit down and relax, let alone think constructively enough attempt at a blog. But here it is - and the thoughts are definitely rolling...

In regard to Sadie, her wishes were granted (God bless the Make-A-Wish Foundation... Seriously.) - she was able to go to Disneyworld and meet all the princesses. I'll be going over to her house tomorrow to make a cake (white cake with chocolate frosting and gumdrops - her request) , so I'm excited to hear all about it and see the pictures... There was a moment there where it looked like it might not happen... so thank God for the fact that they were able to make it there.
Also, in regard to my last few blogs about Sadie's Make-A-Wish party and the grand send-off, I did end up going... I didn't stay long (since I was on my lunch break from work) but it was beautiful. I'm glad I was able to see Sadie and T before they left... I really felt that I had to go - simply, for nobody else but them... and myself.

So - I'm not sure if I wrote this already, but Scott and I have made an official date for leaving to Chicago - July 28. That only leaves us with about two months to get our shit together and move it on out. I think I've been handling the idea of leaving well - but in all reality, it's only when I'm moving a mile a minute and I hardly have to think. It's something that stays in the back of my mind, just floating around... and then I have a day off (like today) and I have a sense of nostalgia for Utah when I haven't even left yet.

Maybe it's also the fact that I'll be turning 25 soon. I'll officially be in my mid-twenties... and while that is still pretty young and I still have a lot to learn, I really feel that I've dealt with, learned from, and made it through quite a bit. I find myself longing for old friendships I've let slip - yet at the same time, doing my best to let some friendships stay in the sidelines. I find myself holding on to little mementos of yesteryear - and at the same time throwing or giving away items simply because it reminds me of someone or a particular situation.

I guess we all do that at sometime... editing our past, in a sense. Highlighting the parts we love and putting black lines through the parts that seem better left forgotten.

I guess with this big change coming up, I'm really wanting to start out this chapter on fresh, solid ground. I feel like I need to learn from my previous 24 years in the next two months, apply it well, and kick some ass in the years to come. In fact, I expect that of myself.

I don't know... I feel really emotional lately. There seems to be so much going on all at once that I hardly have time to think - and when I do, it feels like the cork comes flying off the bottle.

It was pretty nice today though... I was running at Liberty Park and listening to my MP3 player when I saw that there were baby geese wading in the pond... so I stopped running and just walked around and through the park. And without the music, I was filled with memories of tennis matches with me and my best friend when I was younger, or playing at the carnival area when my class would go there for field trips, or remembering stories of my mom growing up on that park and hearing how she met my dad there --- More highlights...
I'm getting the impression I need to take a little more time out of the world and start getting more in touch with me - you know, to do a little more highlighting and editing.

Less Intense

For anyone who reads my blog, I just wanted to say thanks for putting up with me - I usually only write when I have very strong thoughts and/or emotions. So, just to throw my blog off course, I felt like posting a blog that is less intense - so I will show you the cake I made for Scott's birthday.



I won't lie, I was pretty happy with the way this one turned out - and I think he was too. Do you think Chicago is ready for me? :)

reality

Scott says that last night I wouldn't stop tossing and turning... I'm not surprised. This past week has proven to be more eventful than I ever expected.

There was quite a bit of drama since I wrote the last post... as any one who is reading this (and Scott's) blog would know. To make a long issue short, Scott was very upset at my sister's response and sent them a very stern e-mail. The e-mail was replied to by my sister's husband... Honestly, I could go into what was said but I don't have the energy or desire to do so. Bottom line is that Scott and I won't be attending the event this afternoon for Sadie.

Hard enough as that decision was, I was talking to my mom for Mother's Day and Sadie's event was brought up. I told her, quite briefly, that I won't be attending... which issued in a guilt-trip and a very emotional conversation. My mom feels that my sister's family and I need to put aside our differences and think about Sadie... Sadie doesn't know Scott, so it was nothing against him, but Sadie wanted me there for her special day, so think about what she wants... That I shouldn't look back on this time and regret anything - like that I should have gone to the party or that I let differences stand in the way...

Oh Mom. You sure have a way with words - suffice to say, I felt like shit.

What is it about me that when I am faced with a situation regarding my family, I feel completely jaded by the real issue and willingly accept guilt or blame?

I'm pretty sure that was the reason I was tossing and turning last night. I feel somewhat helpless in this situation because I've always tried to be the person who makes everyone happy - and I can't stand being the person who disappoints. I remember a while back when my nephew Spencer had his baptism, I was invited by Heather. I remember that work at the time was incredibly busy and I just couldn't get away, so I called and talked to Heather about the situation. She understood, but when I asked to talk with Spencer and explained the situation to him, he sounded incredibly sad and disappointed on the phone. It broke my heart.

***
Well - here's an update. As I was writing that last paragraph, my mom called to tell me that Sadie is going to the hospital. She has apparently been having horrible headaches this past week and it's just gotten too intense, so they are taking her to the hospital to see what they can do. I guess the party tonight might not even happen...


It's funny - over the weekend, Scott and I went up to Park City with some close friends and we stayed up late talking about everything. The topic of this entire blog came up and Scott was saying how he felt, my friends said how they felt -- and then Caitie, one of my best friends, noticed I wasn't saying anything. So she stopped and asked how everything made me feel. I didn't say anything for a while. How can you put in words the desire to scream, the longing to cry, a deep love for everyone involved, the feeling of being burned, unexplainable raw emotion and a strange sense of optimism?

I guess I never expected reality to be so real...

Re-posted

Last night, I came home from the gym around 11:30 and I couldn't wind down... I just had too much on my mind. So I wrote everything I was feeling and posted a blog - but as soon as I woke up, I took it off because I didn't want it to offend anyone. But as this morning goes on, I realize that these feelings are completely valid and it's not fair to me to censor myself. So here it is - yet again:

As usual, the thoughts begin to flow late at night... and writing seems to be the only way to calm the mind. It's pretty strange, but there's something very therapeutic about writing with the idea that no one may read it, but that everyone can read it if they wanted to. It's like having a window into my soul and all you really need to do is look through...
Well kids, this one may be a long one, so pour yourself a drink, pull up a chair and get comfortable.

I got an invitation in the mail over the weekend for a party for my niece Sadie. The Make-A Wish Foundation is holding a big Princess themed celebration in honor of Sadie's wishes being fulfilled and having a big send off before the Huish family heads off to Disneyworld. I was stoked to receive the invite - it was a cute princess crown card and all the writing was done by the princess herself. (Sadie's penmanship is amazing, by the way) So I made arrangements with work and got everything prepared - but I also noticed that Scott's name wasn't on the invite. Now, side note - there was a time, about a year or so ago, that my sister sent me a letter saying that in respect to her beliefs and what influence she wants around her children, any person I am dating isn't welcome in her home or at events that her family will be in attendance. At the time, it made me VERY upset - but at the same time, I wasn't in a very serious relationship (Scott and I were just starting out) and I respected the fact that she held her ground in what she believed. But I figured that since Scott raised a considerable amount of money for Sadie's fund with his co-workers, participated in the 5K (and even got his mom Collette and her boyfriend, Chip, to join as well), as well as offer our apartment as a place to stay in case they might need it (because we are so close to Primary Children's Hospital and the huntsman Cancer Institute) - well, I went out on a limb and figured that Scott would be invited as well to this celebration of Sadie's wishes and I just wanted to double-check with the Huish's to make sure it'd be alright....
Well, I got an e-mail from T a day or so later which said:
"I know that Scott has indeed been supportive of Sadie and our family, and, goodness, he is a wonderful guy. Again, it goes back to the letter I wrote, that if someone you are in a relationship with is around at different events, then that is not in my control, but as for inviting that person to stuff for our family and to our home, that is not something I can do. Again, it is not a knock on Scott,... it's my feelings in general, ... that this kind of relationship isn't something I feel is right, and something I don't want my kids around. I hope this doesn't come across negatively, and that it is just reiterating what I've said before. It's what I feel is best for my family and that I need to stick to that. That said, I know that Scott is great, that you love him, and I don't want there to be feelings hurt. I hope to see you on Monday, but if you aren't there because you wouldn't want Scott feeling bad, then I won't hold any ill will or anything - that is up to you."

It hurt to read that. In fact, it kept me up most of last night and most of this morning... I guess I figured that something had changed. I mean, this is the man that I love. That I've been in a committed relationship for almost a year and a half... He is my family. So to feel that someone you are completely devoted to, whom you love with all you are, isn't welcome in your family -- well, it pierces your heart. And I can't even make you, whoever you are, understand that pain that you feel when a sibling, whom you love and respect, isn't accepting of who you are and who you love. I live in an interesting family scenario in the fact that my sisters are not accepting of me and Scott being together, while my brother is completely accepting of me, of Scott and the relationship we have. (My mom is still in a struggle between what she believes and her love for me and Scott. I consider her neutral... with a lean toward me.) At any rate, I hurt and I've been hurting all day.
So I picked Scott up from work and was waiting for the most appropriate time to tell him what is going on - and the time finally came before dinner. He wasn't happy, to say the least - but I feel it's highly due to the fact that he has been completely supportive of my sisters family and has done so many things to help out. And while I know he's not looking for recognition in any way, I guess all that would've sufficed is an acknowledgment of our relationship and a Thank You. In all honesty though, I think he's tired of trying to appease my sisters and I don't blame him. I was scared to death to meet Scott's family and I've received nothing but love and support from them - so to imagine the other end of the spectrum would be hell. And I fell horrible to put him through it.
At the same time, I make myself so fucking upset... because growing up in an LDS environment, I understand both of my sister's standpoints. So I have a sense of respect for their stance and what they believe in. And it's because of that, that I blame the LDS church for how my sister's feel. You know - I'll go as far to say that I blame the priesthood for it. My sister's didn't feel so adamant about their beliefs until after they got married - hell, I can remember the first person I told about me being gay was T and she hugged me and told me she loved me - and hugged the guy I was seeing at the time when she met him for the first time. Plus she played softball for God's sake - I'm sure she has loads of lesbi-friends. So, again, yes. I blame the church. I blame the priesthood - and while it has provided peace for many people and has inspired many people for the better, it hasn't me. In fact, it reminds me of a poem I wrote a while back...

Behold -
You might say I held onto that iron rod
In fact, quite vividly, I remember holding on so tight
Clenched fingers
A white knuckled grip
To the point I was afraid to let go.
Yea & I made it to that tree
Despite the darkness that entrapped me
& I saw the smiling faces
& I heard angels singing harmony
& I felt - for once I did belong
I remember thinking clearly that suppression equaled freedom
So I partook of that fruit
That precious fruit whose reputation succeeds all
And the taste thereof…
Was that of simple fruit
So I stood with a mask of joy
While I held this fruit and I wondered why.
Why?
Let the people know I was not ashamed as I dropped that fruit and walked away.

I wrote that on December 29, 2006... I remember writing it with the idea of Lehi's dream (from the Book of Mormon) in mind. I respect the fact that people cling to their religion - but at what cost?

I'm tired... in more ways than one. In the words of Madonna "Freedom comes when you learn to let go" - while I love and respect my family for what they believe, I can't hold on to the notion that we are as close as we were before and I can't expect them to change because of what I feel to be right (any more than they can expect me to change because they feel they are right)

The choice to leave for Chicago, I feel, is coming at a very appropriate time. While I do feel that the situation with Sadie is horrible, most of my nieces and nephews are getting to the point in their lives where they will be asking lots of whys. I don't think my sister's feel comfortable talking with their kids about homosexuality - and honestly, I don't really feel that kids would be able to comprehend the extent of what being gay or straight is. I think my brother told his boys that Scott is my special friend... and I think that's all kids really need to know. Aidan and Jarron (my brothers kids) have completely accepted the fact that Scott and me are together all the time - and that's really all they care to know. If I'm around and Scott's not there, they ask where he is and when he'll be around. Granted, I'm not a parent (yet) so I don't know how I'd handle a similar situation - but I can't help but wonder how my sister's are going to explain to their kids why Uncle Nik is moving to Chicago...

Decisions Made

Today was the 9th day in a row that I worked... but I finally have a day off tomorrow, so I'm taking the chance now to write down some thoughts before I go to bed.
I made a decision about Chicago - Scott and I are planning on moving near the end of July. After I wrote that last blog, Scott was concerned about what exactly my intentions were (because my choice would obviously affect him in a substantial way). So we went on a long walk around the neighborhood and talked about exactly what we were feeling and what we think would be best. After a long discussion, the ultimate decision came from the idea that Sadie may be alive for a lot longer than doctors expect... and life should be lived until something happens. I won't lie - it is still hard for me to think about... but I feel good about making this decision.
So - Scott and I are moving to Chicago. In three months, I will be moving across the country to a large city I've never even been to. While I am torn inside about the thought of leaving family and a little annoyed that things are finally working out career-wise in Utah for me, I've very optimistic about moving to Chicago. I feel like an immigrant coming to America - like Chicago is my 'land of opportunity' or something. I think it will be the perfect place for Scott and I in regard to our careers and I feel that it will be a great growing opportunity for our relationship. I'm looking forward to that...

I don't know what else to say... I should probably be in bed now - my only day off this week is tomorrow and I'll be spending it making some cakes for my friend Warren. He has been teaching classes for his church, and they are having their confirmation this weekend. So I'll be making two 1/2 sheet cakes for the event. It'll be some good experience for me - I feel like I've been slacking in that area since I took on this management position at Harmon's. My first love is cakes and decorating and I sure as hell don't do enough of it at work... so I think it'll be relaxing for me to get back in touch with what I love.

Another thing I'm getting back into is marathon training. My sister, her husband and I are part of a relay marathon this June. There will be 12 of us running from Logan to Park City - and the great thing is that each one of us runs a portion of the race. I think there are about 3 different runs for each of us (ranging from 3-6 miles each, varying in difficulty with hills/mountains and whatnot). I knew about this marathon at the beginning of this year and I started out with my training very strong - then I heard about Sadie and I literally lost all motivation to do anything. It was like that for about a month... after that, my position at work became more involved and I couldn't find time... and now, I have two months left and I need to get my ass in check. I've been running this week - but I'm rusty as hell. *sigh* I'll do better. I'm getting back in my groove... I think.

Anyway, enough chit chat. Time for bed... Good night everyone.

Hardest Decision

I'm caught in one of the most difficult situations I think I've been faced with for a while... As many of you may already know, Scott and I were planning on moving near the end of this summer. Scott had applied and auditioned to various schools for his graduate program and, gratefully, was accepted into many of those schools. The best offers he got were both in Chicago at DePaul University and Roosevelt University. Through some tough decision on his part, he chose to accept Roosevelt University's offer... so moving and plans for relocating our lives are in the works.
I've been planning on this move for a while. I always felt if I was going to get some adequate experience and actually be successful in my field, I'd need to go to a larger city. Salt Lake City, sadly, is a little behind in the times as far as appreciation for culinary arts is concerned. People here, as a whole, aren't willing to pay good money for incredible culinary work and to get ahead in my field, I'll need to go elsewhere. Chicago is ideal. There are many incredible places to find work and with a large city like that, getting some of the experience I'm looking for wouldn't be a large issue. And most importantly, I'd be with Scott. It would be an exciting new time in our lives and in our relationship to be in a new city.
There is only one thing that is holding me back... Sadie.
I'm trying to believe in miracles and I pray that her condition will change - but the more research I find about her condition, the more reality takes over and damages my faith. And for that reason, I find it hard to consider leaving my family during this fragile time. I've said this before on my blog, but I feel that my family and I have a very unique bond - we rely on each other during difficult times. And I think part of me would almost need to be near, not only for their sakes, but for mine in the event of Sadie's passing. I keep thinking of moving to a new city and experiencing a new life and then getting a call - across the country - telling me that my niece has passed away. I don't know if I'd be able to handle it.
I keep thinking of experiences I've had with death... and how I've been heavily involved, yet, for one reason or another, have been distanced from it. My dad, for instance - I was only 4 years old... His passing played a dramatic role in my life, simply because I didn't understand it at the time and it took me years afterward to finally get a grip on the reality of the situation. Then I think of my grandma, who passed away when I was on my mission. I can still remember attempting to be optimistic in my letters, saying things like 'When get home, you and I will have to do this" or "After I get back, you'll have to tell me all about it" - knowing that her condition was getting worse. She actually passed away a few months before I returned home... I had to lament her passing hundreds of miles away.
And maybe that is where I have the most problem with this situation. I feel like I'm leaving a situation I have no control over... It feels like I'm closing my eyes during a scary movie - attempting to miss the worst moment of the movie with my own eyes, knowing that it's happening - and taking my hands off my eyes and dealing with the rest of the movie. Am I hiding from my own fears?
But is it right to put my life on hold with the idea that I'm waiting for another life to end? It almost seems contradictory and in a way, disturbing.
All I know is that I know my family wants me to stay, but understands if I'd leave. I also know that Scott wants me to go, but understands if I'd stay. This is one of those decisions I know I have to make for me - but I pray that I make the choice I won't look back on and regret.

What a weekend...

What a weekend... Both Scott and I have been looking forward to this weekend for quite a while. Friday night, Scott played the lead role of Candide in Leonard Bernstein's production of Candide. He did such an incredible job - as I'm writing this, Scott is reviewing a recording of the performance and it sounds completely beautiful... He is truly talented. Everyone came up to me afterward and was gushing over how wonderful Scott is and how remarkable his performance was. I don't know if there will be a review of it in the paper, but just in case keep your eye out for the name Scott Brunscheen. Lord knows in the years to come, we'll all be seeing his name all over the place. My boy is AMAZING.



I also had the great pleasure of meeting Scott's family. I won't lie... I've been a little intimidated to meet them for the past year or so, but they are some of the sweetest people I have ever met. His family has a special bond like me and my family do... I felt very comfortable around them whenever I was around them... In fact, Scott had to go to the second performance of Candide tonight to support the other cast and his family invited me to hang out with them - surprisingly, it wasn't awkward at all and we seemed to get along very well. That, in itself, it a HUGE relief to me... you have no idea.

The other wonderful thing about this weekend was the 5K for Sadie. This is something that I have been anticipating for over a month. I had a feeling it was going to be a big deal - but I didn't imagine how great the turnout was going to be. The final count for Sadie's team ended up being 95... most of us had made pink shirts sporting 'Team Sadie' on the front, with a large 5 on the back - and the Riverton High School softball team rallied together and made shirts of their own. Seriously, there were people on 'Sadie's Team' ALL OVER the race. It was such a wonderful feeling to look at the crowd and see pink shirts and the number 5 spotted all over. It was also a very humbling experience... for about a mile or so, I walked with my sister, Sadie and Sammy and the whole experience seemed very surreal. There was such a positive energy in the air - it was almost hard to believe that we were all there for a small 5-year-old girl.






When my other sister Heather and I ran the Salt Lake Marathon a few years back, we ran it in memory of our Dad who we lost to cancer. The race benefited the Huntsman Cancer Institute here in Utah, it was held on his birthday and I remember vividly the whole experience being very emotional. I think part of me still had that engraved in my mind as I was beginning the 5K... I almost felt like I was walking for a memory, for pain, for loss and sadness, for the idea of cancer being something that can't be overcome, but painfully tolerated. But today as I walked with my sister and Sadie, I realized that this walk wasn't anything like that at all. It was a walk for life and for hope. It was about community and togetherness - the idea that many people from different aspects of life, who in many cases didn't even know each other, grouping together in support and hope for a 5-year-old girl. It was so humbling and such a moving experience. While it is sad to know the race is over, it's so wonderful to know that the support and love is still very apparent... it doesn't need to be in the form of pink shirts dotted throughout a marathon course - but today it was. And it was amazing. Here are some other highlights: