Back home.

It's been nearly a week since I moved back to Chicago. I'm a little surprised how easily it was for me to be adjusted to living back in Chicago and getting accustomed to life here. It feels natural to wake up next to Scott, to have a whiny cat meowing at me for no reason, to walk to the train station to head downtown, to run along the trails near Lake Shore Boulevard and to bake random things in my kitchen. This truly feels like home. That being said, I find myself missing aspects of Utah - mainly things I did frequently, like random visits at family members houses, spending quality time with family and friends - but since I took advantage of those things while I was in Utah, I don't feel I missed out in any way. I have nothing but great memories to look back on - bittersweet in many aspects, but definitely great.

In regard to work, I had to take a drug test on Wednesday (I passed), had orientation on Friday, then started work on Saturday. I feel like it will take some getting used to - but that is the case with any job. I know how to do many of the tasks required of me, but knowing how it's supposed to be done specifically at the Marriott is the tricky thing. I'm sure I'll get the hang of things soon and am really excited to get to that point where I can work an entire day without asking what is expected of me or if there is something else I should be doing. Luckily, the crew I work with is incredibly helpful and so easy to get along with. I can tell there is a strong sense of trust and unity among them, which makes it all the more exciting to be involved in that type of environment. Overall though, I love it already. I imagine things will continue to get better as the days progress.

All in all, being back in Chicago is going very well. It is hard to be away from family and close friends, but knowing that I have their support - and given the fact that we all have phones, texting, e-mailing, etc. makes the distance seem, well... not so distant. I do find, however, that at random moments I miss Sadie terribly. Today Scott was playing Mika while he was making dinner and the song Any Other World came on. Unknown to nearly anyone, I played that song repeatedly before and after Sadie's passing - and haven't played it since. Hearing it today brought back the raw emotion and I wasn't ready for it. I feel bad in some aspect because Scott knew something was wrong, but I couldn't really express how it felt then and how it feels now. I feel like I'm walking around with a large wound that is healing incredibly slow and from time to time something hits me that makes me start to bleed again. And I find there's nothing I can do but let it bleed until it stops - and then I'll continue on.

With that in mind, and given the experience I had while in Utah, I really want to become actively involved with helping organizations associated with childhood cancers - I still need to do research to what type of organizations are out here in Chicago. When I look back on all the support, love and selflessness from the community during Sadie's battle, it makes me want to help in any way I can for other families facing similar situations.

All in all, I have very high expectations of myself here in Chicago - just because I was able to obtain my dream job doesn't mean the dreaming and reaching for goals will ever stop. I expect some great things to happen...

Probably just time for bed...

It's been a few days since I've written last. I'm getting a little anxious from waiting to hear back from Harmon's about the bakery management position and am still deciding if I'm considering it a lost cause. At any rate, I have just opened a bottle of delicious French red wine and am sipping it slowly as I think of what I want to say, what I plan for my immediate future and why the hell I am even in Utah.
Not to say that I haven't enjoyed being in Utah immensely so far - I've reconnected with some of my closest friends and have been able to spend some quality time with family members (not counting those of whom have been touched with the flu). I see random coincidences on a daily basis that reconfirm that I'm where I should be--- Take for instance the way I was trying to kill some time by running to Barnes and Noble to get an Italian dictionary for my language studying and the man ringing my purchase up ended up being my dad's cousin. Or the way that my computer crashed and one of my best friends (who I was planning on hanging out with that night anyway) ended up being a computer whiz (unknown to me until that point) and saved me hundreds of dollars by installing new programs and new memory in my computer for free. It's been too bizarre. I think I've needed those moments because I find myself waking up on a daily basis without Scott next to me and without the sounds of my needy cats outside the bedroom door and my heart sinks a little bit as I wonder 'why?'.
It's no surprise to anyone that I've been missing Scott terribly. I don't know where I thought it in my mind that I felt I was being overbearing with contacting Scott through calls, texts or messages on facebook, so I worried that I should be giving him space. That created a bit of a conflict because it ended up that Scott and I missed each others calls and didn't end up talking for 2 days. Scott was understandably upset and I felt like a jackass because I created drama in my mind that didn't even exist. Today we talked for a while about everything and came to an understanding about communication and our expectations. It's rough for us because we have never been in a relationship with anyone as long as we have been with each other and we've never had positive experiences with long distance relationships. So this is new territory and we are learning as we go along. That being said, I feel confident in our relationship and I think if anyone can make this type of situation work, it's us. I love that man so much. I don't know what he did to me, but I am completely head over heels. I'm glad in a way that we had this conflict so early into this long distance period so we were able to learn how to continue to improve our relationship and keep the deep connection we shared when we were living together. Still, I can't wait to see his face again.
At any rate, I'm very pleased to report that my niece is doing very well - so well in fact, that she constantly puts me to shame on Nintendo Wii and laughs when I lose miserably. I won't lie when I tell you all that I lost sleep at night my last week in Chicago, worrying that I wouldn't make it back in time to see her again. My siblings and mom told me in a very loving way to hurry the hell up because time was short. While it is true that Sadie is not the same girl I saw at Christmas, she is still so full of life, love and creativity. Some of the projects that she creates, the pictures she draws, and the fact that she loves so deeply that she cries out of pure happiness makes me feel so overwhelmingly blessed to be a part of her life. I am so happy that I've been able to spend time with her and my family over this time I've been back.

And that is basically my life up to this point. As for right now, I've taken a break from sipping wine and have resorted to simply swirling it in the glass as I watch the cursor blink in a timely rhythm. I'm not even tipsy from the wine and I've already let my mind fade gently into a blissful lack of concern for any problems I'm facing. Maybe that's a good indicator I've said all I've needed to say. Or perhaps that problems I feel I'm facing aren't worth worrying about. Or perhaps it's just time for bed.

this is the place?

Long story short, I am back in Utah. Scott, myself, and Proud Mary (my Dodge Neon) trekked 1,500 miles from Chicago to Utah over the span of 2 days. We started driving on Sunday, taking a break in Des Moines at Scott's moms and continued the journey on Monday. I won't lie - when entering Salt Lake City after being in Chicago, I couldn't help but feel a little down. I forgot how brown, dry and small Salt Lake City actually is... not to say that Salt Lake City can't be lovely, but this time of year just isn't. And it definitely made me second guess my choice in coming here.

Over this past week, I was able to spend time with nearly all my siblings and mom, play with my nieces and nephews (and I've been graciously blessed with arts and crafts from each of them), revisit some great friends and spend quality time with Scott before he headed back to Chicago. I also had an interview with Harmon's Grocery as a bakery manager - a step up from the position I had when I worked with the company before. The interview went well and I'm still waiting to hear back - hopefully it works out... it'd be such a great opportunity in so many ways.

Intentionally, I'm glazing over the details of this past week. It's been very emotional for me to say goodbye to my life in Chicago (if even for a short while), to see my family again and to be able to spend time with Sadie, having to say goodbye to Scott now knowing exactly when I'll see him again --- I've cried a lot over these past few days... to the point I'm a little tired and could sleep for a long time. But I won't - I'm truly intrigued by the idea of my being here. I still don't know why I am here or what exactly the purpose is, but I'm excited to find out.

Anyway, it may be a while before I write again - I'm going to be moving in tomorrow with a very dear friend and her family and I'm not sure when I'll be able to get the chance to update. I forget how involved setting up a new chapter in your life is...

A little story

It's time for a little story. It's a stunning tale about a young man who had recently moved to a big city with the person he loves beyond words. Times were difficult, but somehow they made it work and life was surprisingly happy through it all. One day, the young man felt a strong desire to go back to the land from which he came from - and he wasn't sure why. So pushing feelings aside, he continued to work whenever he could and lived life the best he knew how. Not too far after, he had a feeling to return to the land from which he came from again. He, being a person who relied heavily on what he felt in his heart, recognized the feeling again and took it more seriously. Despite his recent move to a big city with the person he loved so much, he made preparations to move back to the land where he came from - not knowing exactly why, but feeling strongly that it was right.

Is it an interesting story? I'm trying to see if the situation I'm currently facing makes more sense when I look at it in this light. The story I just explained is something I've been facing over the last month or so. But let me tell you a little bit more.

Truth be told, times are hard. Work at the hotel is sporadic and I've been filling my time with cleaning the apartment, running, reading and baking. Scott has been busy with school and aside from this past weekend where we had the pleasure of entertaining guests at our home, we rarely see each other outside of the evenings when he comes home from school. So when the initial idea of heading home came to my mind, I felt it was more of an escapist idea. It seemed too convenient to go back to Utah where I was making more money, where I was completely comfortable with life, and where I was around family (especially given the time frame with Sadie and her battle with cancer) - so I pushed it out of my mind. Why? Because I feel at home here in Chicago. Scott and I have started our lives from scratch here and while it is difficult, I'm happy with where we are and how we've grown just in the few months we've been here. It's really something quite beautiful and I didn't feel any quick desire to abandon that. So I pushed the feelings to go back to Utah aside. It didn't seem logical.

With my time off of work, I've been trying to develop myself spiritually. I've felt that it is something that I've been lacking lately, so I had been researching and studying scripture, meditating and praying, trying to develop a greater relationship with God, trying to understand chakras further, trying to be more in tune to my higher self, and I've even been reading quite a bit on animal guides and Shamanism. So with that in mind, when the feeling to go back to Utah came again a few weeks later, I listened to it more thoroughly. I began to think about stories in the Bible where God was calling various people and how they either listened right away or if it took a few different calls for them to take notice. I wondered if this could be similar. It posed the question - If God called on me would I recognize it? Truth be told, it scared me to think of heading back to Utah. When I sat down and really thought about it, I didn't want to. I didn't want to leave Scott behind with the life we had created here in Chicago.

So I called a dear friend who I relate to in many different ways - one of which is spiritually. She asked me questions trying to dive further into what the reasoning might be for going back to Utah, offered suggestions, words of encouragement and told me to meditate about it. So I did and felt very strongly that it is something I should do. I think the most interesting thing about all this is how incredibly understanding everyone had been about this. Scott is completely supportive (despite the fact that I don't know how long I'll be there) and is planning on helping me drive across the country back to Utah. My brother and his beautiful wife and family have offered a place for me to stay while I'm there and my work here in Chicago expressed their support for me to do what I need to do and guarantees me a job there again when I return. I think the fact that the support for me in this execution of the moving back to Utah is a sign in itself that it's what I should be doing.

So despite that plans are set to go (I should be back in Utah by March 16), I still feel a deep pit in my stomach at the thought of leaving Scott for an extended period of time. It's been such a great experience to be in a city on our own and to grow together. I really feel that our relationship has been strengthened tremendously by our choice to move here to Chicago and the idea of leaving, even for just a little while, is so hard to think about. So while I realize that we still have two weeks together before I leave, I've found that little kisses when he gets home or sleeping next to him at night mean so much more.

Also, those who know me and my family well may realize that yesterday was the year mark of Sadie's diagnosis - I strongly urge you to check out the entry my sister did on Sadie's blog (link on the side). Her strength is so amazing that it brings me to tears. As for me and my words, I have nothing profound to say. I only know that seeing my niece defy odds and to see her live her life with purpose despite her struggles gives me such strength and faith. Not only her, but to see my sister, someone whom I have always looked up to in so many different ways, battle this situation with such courage, strength and love is inspiring. They have taught me to live life more fully and to not take any moment, no matter how large or small, for granted.

So, that is my story for now. A work in progress, if you will...

The Holiday

There has been a whole lot of Christmas going on over the past few weeks. No complaints at all - I am just beyond tired now as a result. As I'm writing this, I'm feeling a bit under the weather - and since Scott and I just got back to Chicago last night after being in Des Moines for nearly a week, I'm taking advantage of this time to take it easy.
Like I said before, this month has been incredibly busy. Well, let me clarify. Work has been incredibly slow - which has given me plenty of opportunity to enjoy a packed and fulfilling holiday season. Earlier this month, after a series of coincidences, I was able to travel home for an extended weekend. When I moved to Chicago, I initially thought that I'd more than likely not be traveling to Utah again for a while (including the holidays) because of being at a new job and lack of money. Well, with my hotel being mainly business clientele and with the ecomony the way it is, I've been given an abundance of time off (some I requested, much I did not - a blessing and curse in itself). Along with that, Scott came across a travel voucher through United Airlines he needed to use before the beginning of 2009 and wondered if I could use it... the amount of the voucher nearly covered the entire cost of the round-trip flight. Suffice to say, I jumped at the chance to go. I had set myself up for so long with the thought that I wouldn't see my family for a long time that when I saw this opportunity, I jumped at it without question.
The trip home was definitely needed. I think for the most part, I consider myself an independent person - but there is that small part of me that longs for home. There's just something unique about being in my mom's house, drinking a Coke, and talking with my family about anything that comes to mind. I miss that. And I think I miss the fact that it's not easily accessible anymore.
At any rate, it was wonderful. I was able to spend some quality time with each of my siblings and their families and also spent a great deal of time with my mom. I also had the opportunity to attend a few parties... One was a holiday party with one of my best friends Caitie, another was a party with my extended family. There was a time a few years back that I vowed to myself that I would never go back to the party because of the blatant awkwardness... well, that changed and I went. It seemed to coincidental that I was home the exact weekend that the party was happening, so I took that opportunity to visit with my extended family. It was so great to see them - it has been a while. I still keep in touch with a few through the miracle of the internet - and for that reason, seeing them was more special. There were a few people in my family that hardly made eye contact, but I didn't take it personal. In fact, I expected more of that then there was.... so I was pleasantly surprised. :) Following that party, I went to Dani's (my brothers wife) 30th birthday party. She had an 80's Glam Rock theme, so everyone had torn jeans, ratted out hair, tacky neon colors - it was bliss. I'm pretty sure it was the greatest theme for a party that I've ever been to. Throw in the fact that I drank half a bottle of courvoisier and played the hell out of Guitar Hero, and that's my idea of a great party.
Anyway, Utah was great. I didn't let anyone else besides close family know that I was coming... if there is one thing I can't stand, it's obligation. I hate it when someone knows I'm coming into town and they expect me to show up and hang out while I'm there. This trip was simply for my family - and for me. Because I don't know what I would've done if I hadn't have seen them over the holidays.
Besides going home, Scott and I also had a great Christmas party at our place. It was primarily for all of the students in his class (about 18 or so) - so we did a huge dessert spread and everyone was dressed up... Scott and I decided that we love to have people over and entertain. And especially since we have all this extra room, why the hell not?
For Christmas, Scott and I headed up to Des Moines. I won't lie - I was a little ancy about going for an entire week because I really like (translation: need) my alone time - and I usually don't feel comfortable in other peoples homes when I'm staying there. But his mom is amazing and despite the fact she was going a mile a minute with planning, baking, wrapping, and all the other Christmas joys, she made us feel completely welcome and comfortable. We spend alot of time with his siblings and mom - which was great because their relationship reminds me a great deal of my family - ...made cookies, baked and cooked continually, exchanged gifts, ate too much - all the little joys that make Christmas so grand.
I won't lie though. After getting back from Des Moines, I was Christmas'd out. I felt like I needed to sleep for days to recover from all the festivities. And even though it's not the most ideal of situations to have work be so slow during this time, it was amazing to be able to have the freedom to not only enjoy the holiday, but to be so completely drained from the holiday that I was glad to have it over and back to normal. :) Good times, good times...

Anyway, to all who might happen to read this, I hope your holiday was amazing and I wish you the best with 2009!