Too tired for a title...

This entry will be short - simply because I'm beyond tired, but I wanted to let everyone who reads this know that Scott and I are officially residents of Chicago, IL. The apartment we found is beautiful and perfect for all of our needs... and we will officially be moving in on Friday (Aug. 1). For specific details, you need to go over to Scott's blog. He has such a way with words that I can't help but laugh out loud and be enthralled by his stories, even though I was experiencing them with him at the time. So, for now, check that out - and I will be back later with more details of my own.

Last Night in Salt Lake City

What a rollercoaster these past few weeks have been - so many ups and downs and so incredibly emotional.

I took this past week off because I wanted to focus my energy and time with those who I truly care about. To be completely honest, I am not sure when I'll be back to Salt Lake City... I realize the holidays are coming up, but I am not naive - in the hospitality industry, holidays are like any other day. Plus, seniority is a big thing when it comes to getting time off... So while I'd like to think that I'll see my Utah friends and family in a matter of months, the likelihood of me being able to with being the new guy in town might not be possible. So... that in mind, I spent Monday with my sister Tiffany and her daughters, Tuesday with my oldest sister Heather and her kids, Wednesday was spent with Mom, T (and her girls) and Heather and Taylor (my niece) for Taylor's birthday, and today was spent briefly with Mom in the morning and later with my brother Jason and his family.

I'm not good with goodbyes... people say that, but I really have a hard time. Especially with my Mom and my siblings. We share a very close bond and no matter what conflicts we go through and what disagreements we may have, we are always there for each other 100%. I think that is one thing that hit me when I said goodbye to T yesterday... these past few months have been so emotional with Sadie's condition and then with the situation a little while ago with Scott and I... But through it all, T and I were there for each other. When we said goodbye, we just held each other and cried. It was also very difficult for me because I'm not sure when (or if) I'll see Sadie again - and she was probably thinking 'What the hell is wrong with Uncle Nik?' because I had to fight back sobs when I said goodbye. And saying goodbye to Mom and Jason and his family.... not any easier. Luckily for me, Heather and Kirk are helping us move tomorrow when we come with the moving truck - so at least I can prolong another goodbye. I've filled my quota for the day and I'm emotionally tapped out.

In other goodbyes, I stopped by my dad's grave to pay some respects. It's strange how familiar a cemetary can be, but for as long as I can remember, there was always something so comforting about being there. It still hasn't changed. So I sat down and had a little conversation and let him know what's going on (although I'm pretty sure he had a good idea regardless). While I was there, I felt the distinct thought not to look back (metaphorically speaking) and to look forward to the future... I left feeling even better about this move and feel it will have very positive results. Plus, I also had a good feeling my dad will be helping me out along the way.

One thing that has been very interesting about this move is the surfacing of true friendships. I have been pleasantly surprised and completely appalled by our friends over the last few weeks. Scott and I have been inviting people to dinners and parties to give us (and our friends) some time together before we leave - and there are some who have dropped everything to come and be a part of the short time we have here... then there have been some who have had numerous excuses or... none at all... saying they'll be there and they're not... I, sadly, have come to expect such behavior from my previous friends, so it was no surprise to me to see it happen again with some of them... but some of Scott's closest friends didn't even put an effort and it really upset us. But, tomorrow, life will go on for us and there will be new friends and our close friends that have shown themselves to be unconditional will still be very involved in our lives as we will be in theirs...

I'm really excited. I'm really scared. I'm really tired. But most of all, I can't wait to start from scratch in a new city. I know it's going to be such a great experience for Scott and I.

Oh. P.S. Happy Pioneer Day. We did nothing but pack all night and bitch about everything in Utah being shut down because... well... it was Pioneer Day. Hope you all enjoyed your 'holiday'. ;)

For some reason I can't explain...

Today was not a good day. Let's be honest... I walked into the bakery this morning and worked literally non-stop from 10:00 until 6:45... without lunches or breaks... We were understaffed and one of my employees didn't show up or call... My new baker ruined hundreds of dollars worth of product... Orders were forgotten and we didn't realize it until the person came to pick their order up... Our health inspector visited... It was basically one of those days where if things could go wrong, they did (and to the extreme).

Ironically, I heard from friends that I haven't heard from for a while - One of my best friends from Las Vegas called to tell me she was getting married next year and wanted me to do her wedding cake; One of my other friends called to say HI - I haven't seen her for over a year; I got an e-mail from one of my other friends whom I haven't seen for over a year... It was as though they knew that I needed something - anything - to pick me up a little bit.

With that in mind, I was on my way home from work on I-15 northbound and the traffic stopped. Literally. I was creeping along and I noticed 9000 South was coming up - the exit I would normally take to go to my moms house. I had already called Scott to tell him I'd be late because of the traffic, so I decided to take this traffic as a sign to get off on this exit and visit my mom real quick and then try to take side streets to Scott's work to pick him up. So I did - Interestingly, my sister Tiffany (and her girls) and my brother and his family were there. It turns out that Sadie had an MRI today and the news wasn't good. It seems as though the tumor has grown tremendously over the past few weeks - which has been causing more pressure in her head and giving her double-vision... And it was strange how insignificant my horrible day seemed. In fact, although I wrote details of it just a few minutes ago, they seem so small that I don't even recall everything that even happened - because it doesn't matter.

I don't know what to think (again) and I don't quite know how to respond (again) - but all I know is that my heart feels very heavy and I have a lump in my throat that seems to stay locked in place every time I swallow. I've been so caught up in the move and in my last few weeks at work and finding an apartment and finding a job and getting things packed and trying to get together with friends and family just one last time and canceling memberships and services... that my reality overshadowed a much more significant reality. It's just strange how things seemed so normal for just a little bit and I fell into that comfort for the time being.

The thing I learned from today? I'm grateful for intuition and for coincidence - my own and those around me. It's funny how such a horrible day at work brought so many calls from friends and it's funny how a traffic jam brought my family together for just a little while when we needed each other most.

Keep on burning...

Just wanted to announce that Proud Mary, my Dodge Neon, is officially mine.

That is all.

Closer to 30

As one of my best friends put it - I am officially closer to 30 than I am to 20... It actually feels really good to be 25. Going into my birthday with a very introspective feel made the whole experience so much more meaningful... The day consisted of highlights like Scott buying me a cake turntable (something I desperately need) and a martini shaker (s0mething I completely love), getting a tattoo (more on that later), getting calls and messages from very dear friends and family, and finally ending the evening at Cucina Tuscana with some of my closest friends. The entire day was very relaxed and ideally how I would've wanted it. The following Sunday was just as great - having some brunch with my mom, my brother and his family and my man... some of the greatest people in my life... All in all, it was a great start to my mid-twenties.

Now - about my tattoo. I've been wanting to get one for a while, but as someone who is deeply into symbolism, I needed it to be perfect and really reflect me. One symbol I have always loved is the compass and the square - most people know it as a symbol of the Freemasons. The symbol of the square (or ruler) represents earth - as the four corners of the earth. The compass, which draws a perfect circle, is a representation of heaven... so as the compass and square cross, they symbolize the close relationship between heaven and earth. Another meaning I love is the symbolism of the compass being masculine and the square feminine - so again, by crossing the two, there is balance and equality between masculinity and femininity. It's a very spiritual and balanced symbol in my mind and something that fits my personality and beliefs - so, it is the perfect piece of art for my body. Now you know the story... :)


Another eventful story recently consisted of me trying to rush myself out of the door at work. I was basically frantic in trying to get home in time and amidst the chaos, I left my phone on top of my car. As I was driving, I was going to text Scott and realized that I couldn't find my phone anywhere... and in the midst of the crazy thought "Did I leave my phone on top of my car?", I looked in the rear view mirror to see it slip off and get ran over by the car behind me. I flipped around as quick as I could and managed to pick up the largest two pieces of the 7 or 8 that were strewn about.



Downside? I lost everyones numbers, old text messages (including the first one from Scott that I had held onto for a year and a half) and camera-phone pictures. On the plus side? I lost everyones number and I got a new phone. It's a light blue Chocolate - very cute and very gay. Like me.
I have to admit - it's very liberating to lose everyones number and start from scratch. My contact list went from about 80 to 15. And really... that is fine with me.

25

It will be my 25th birthday in ten minutes. I guess there’s something that is anticipating this day more than any of my previous birthdays - I’ve let go of expectations of people recognizing that it is my birthday and I don’t really want or need anything. So what I’m left with is my thoughts and my personal opinion that I should celebrate my own life by reflection of where I’ve been and contemplating on my expectations for the future. I think 25 is a very good age for that… For someone who is a quarter-century old, I think I’m at a good spot to know, at the very least, who I’m not - and as a result, I can more clearly define who I am and what I expect out of life.

It’s 12:00 - Happy Birthday me.

I believe that everyone has a brilliant biography that contains thousands of stories and lessons learned and no one will ever hear it. My story is no exception - there are people in my life who know many aspects of who I am and where I’ve been… But no one who knows everything except me. And my story is brilliant and beautiful. Tragic and compelling. Filled with compassion and sincere love. But I can honestly say that I’ve spent more time over these past 25 years looking back than I have been looking forward. I’ve always seemed to reflect on the past and dwell there - learning as much as I could about why it happened and what was the lesson to be learned. And I think that is a great thing, to a point.

So I am planning for this next year (and for the twenty-five years after) to continue to learn lifes little lessons, but to spend more time looking forward than looking back.


So - here's a toast to being 25 and a work in progress...

Ragnar Relay

My sister Heather and her husband Kirk have gotten into running over the past few years - and because of them, I have been roped into it as well. It all started with the Salt Lake Marathon, which was for a good cause - since it benefited the Huntsman Cancer Institute and the race was held on June 3 (My Dad's birthday - who passed away from cancer) 26.2 miles later, that whole experience sparked a passion in us and we've been involved with running ever since.

My sister called me about 6 months or so ago and asked me to be involved in a relay marathon. Her team needed one more person and I was the first person she had thought of. So I agreed - Not even knowing what exactly a relay marathon was. The simple explanation is that there is 12 teammates who help run 36 different portions of a race that runs from Logan to Park City. Each of us teammates run 3 portions of the race - varying in length and difficulty and, if I remember right, the race totals about 180 miles.

There were 6 of us in each car - so we got to know our other teammates very well. Beside Kirk and Heather, there were Troy and Amber (a couple in Heather's ward) and Trevor (a friend of Troy and Amber's) in our car. We varied in background and current situation, but we actually all got to be very comfortable around each other very quickly. And there was such a strong sense of support among us. Obviously, I am close with Heather and Kirk - but I had never met Troy, Amber or Trevor before in my life... and for a day and half, we were all relying on each other for support and strength and were there for each other whenever someone needed something as simple as water - or important as encouragement.

I was the third runner - all of my runs were rated 'moderate' in difficulty and with my three portions, I ran 5.6 miles, 4.9 miles and 5.1 miles. I trained for it the best I could and was glad I had. We had one person on our team who hadn't trained much before hand and ended up throwing up for most of his first run... Good times.

We started around noon on Friday (June 20) - and my portion began around 2:00. My first run started in a small town,then became the long stretch of road to another small town. The temperature was about 85 - 90 around that time - which threw me back on time a little bit, because I did quite a bit of training at the gym or in the mornings. Not the best run, but a decent start.

After all of the people in our car had finished their runs, we grabbed a quick bite to eat and tried to find a place to shower. Troy had grown up in the area, so he told us that he had a perfect spot... we got to the destination and realized that he was talking about a lake that we could just bath in. If we weren't comfortable around each other before, we were after - since the lake was pretty cold, we had to encourage each other just to get in and take care of it...

My second run was around 11:45 at night and started near a freeway off-ramp and went through the side streets of a very small town in the middle of nowhere. For the night runs, all the runners are required to wear reflective safety vests and a headlight, so the only things I could see was what was about 20 feet in front of me and the moon and stars. It was, by far, the most memorable, exhilarating run in my life... Ironically enough, my MP3 player decided to die after mile two of that run, so I ran with only the various night sounds around me, my breathing and the beating of my shoes hitting the pavement. I can't adequately describe how great that run was for me... I made pretty good time, but the experience was more than worth it.

After our car finished our runs the second time around (which was around 2:00 a.m.), we went to a local high school which had been opened up for all of the runners to sleep in between runs. It was basically a free-for-all - if you could find a place to sleep, then you were able to sleep there... and the place looked like a hobo camp. We walked down the hallway of the high school and on each side, runners were huddled up in sleeping bags sleeping deeply. For the life of me, I couldn't comprehend how anyone could find comfort of any sort on the floor of a high school hallway, but as soon as I had laid my sleeping bag down - it took me about 4 minutes before I was out.

We woke up about 3 hours later - ate some fruit and bagels and get ready for our last leg of the race. I'm not sure if we were all just excited for this to be the last run for each of us, but there seemed to be a little more energy in the car. The day was beginning to get warm when I started my last run, but luckily there was a cool breeze the whole time which helped make the run more tolerable. For the most part, my portion was downhill and if my legs weren't so extremely sore from the runs before, I'm sure it would've been quite a bit easier than it was...

But as I was nearing the end of my run, a song came on my MP3 player... Chocolate by Snow Patrol. I'm not sure why exactly, but this song has always clicked with me - and the first verse struck me as I ran.

'This could be the very minute I'm aware I'm alive -
All these places feel like home'

It seemed to be a very introspective moment for me and I realized at that moment that I just finished something that was, by far, one of the most incredible moments in my life. The entire experience was so unique and wonderful, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed my it.

We all finished our runs feeling strong and accomplished - and after a celebratory dine out, we drove back to Salt Lake.

The day ended out very well - One of my best friends in life, Caitie Jolley, wanted to get together and have a dinner party for our birthdays (hers being on June 13 and mine on June 26). I was a worried that I wouldn't get back in time because of the race, but it turned out that there was plenty of time.

So with my man at the helm making of some amazing food, me making some delicious chocolate mousse, and Caitie setting up a beautiful dining experience, we and some of our close friends enjoyed a night together relaxing and enjoying each others company. A perfect way to end the night...