Probably just time for bed...

It's been a few days since I've written last. I'm getting a little anxious from waiting to hear back from Harmon's about the bakery management position and am still deciding if I'm considering it a lost cause. At any rate, I have just opened a bottle of delicious French red wine and am sipping it slowly as I think of what I want to say, what I plan for my immediate future and why the hell I am even in Utah.
Not to say that I haven't enjoyed being in Utah immensely so far - I've reconnected with some of my closest friends and have been able to spend some quality time with family members (not counting those of whom have been touched with the flu). I see random coincidences on a daily basis that reconfirm that I'm where I should be--- Take for instance the way I was trying to kill some time by running to Barnes and Noble to get an Italian dictionary for my language studying and the man ringing my purchase up ended up being my dad's cousin. Or the way that my computer crashed and one of my best friends (who I was planning on hanging out with that night anyway) ended up being a computer whiz (unknown to me until that point) and saved me hundreds of dollars by installing new programs and new memory in my computer for free. It's been too bizarre. I think I've needed those moments because I find myself waking up on a daily basis without Scott next to me and without the sounds of my needy cats outside the bedroom door and my heart sinks a little bit as I wonder 'why?'.
It's no surprise to anyone that I've been missing Scott terribly. I don't know where I thought it in my mind that I felt I was being overbearing with contacting Scott through calls, texts or messages on facebook, so I worried that I should be giving him space. That created a bit of a conflict because it ended up that Scott and I missed each others calls and didn't end up talking for 2 days. Scott was understandably upset and I felt like a jackass because I created drama in my mind that didn't even exist. Today we talked for a while about everything and came to an understanding about communication and our expectations. It's rough for us because we have never been in a relationship with anyone as long as we have been with each other and we've never had positive experiences with long distance relationships. So this is new territory and we are learning as we go along. That being said, I feel confident in our relationship and I think if anyone can make this type of situation work, it's us. I love that man so much. I don't know what he did to me, but I am completely head over heels. I'm glad in a way that we had this conflict so early into this long distance period so we were able to learn how to continue to improve our relationship and keep the deep connection we shared when we were living together. Still, I can't wait to see his face again.
At any rate, I'm very pleased to report that my niece is doing very well - so well in fact, that she constantly puts me to shame on Nintendo Wii and laughs when I lose miserably. I won't lie when I tell you all that I lost sleep at night my last week in Chicago, worrying that I wouldn't make it back in time to see her again. My siblings and mom told me in a very loving way to hurry the hell up because time was short. While it is true that Sadie is not the same girl I saw at Christmas, she is still so full of life, love and creativity. Some of the projects that she creates, the pictures she draws, and the fact that she loves so deeply that she cries out of pure happiness makes me feel so overwhelmingly blessed to be a part of her life. I am so happy that I've been able to spend time with her and my family over this time I've been back.

And that is basically my life up to this point. As for right now, I've taken a break from sipping wine and have resorted to simply swirling it in the glass as I watch the cursor blink in a timely rhythm. I'm not even tipsy from the wine and I've already let my mind fade gently into a blissful lack of concern for any problems I'm facing. Maybe that's a good indicator I've said all I've needed to say. Or perhaps that problems I feel I'm facing aren't worth worrying about. Or perhaps it's just time for bed.

this is the place?

Long story short, I am back in Utah. Scott, myself, and Proud Mary (my Dodge Neon) trekked 1,500 miles from Chicago to Utah over the span of 2 days. We started driving on Sunday, taking a break in Des Moines at Scott's moms and continued the journey on Monday. I won't lie - when entering Salt Lake City after being in Chicago, I couldn't help but feel a little down. I forgot how brown, dry and small Salt Lake City actually is... not to say that Salt Lake City can't be lovely, but this time of year just isn't. And it definitely made me second guess my choice in coming here.

Over this past week, I was able to spend time with nearly all my siblings and mom, play with my nieces and nephews (and I've been graciously blessed with arts and crafts from each of them), revisit some great friends and spend quality time with Scott before he headed back to Chicago. I also had an interview with Harmon's Grocery as a bakery manager - a step up from the position I had when I worked with the company before. The interview went well and I'm still waiting to hear back - hopefully it works out... it'd be such a great opportunity in so many ways.

Intentionally, I'm glazing over the details of this past week. It's been very emotional for me to say goodbye to my life in Chicago (if even for a short while), to see my family again and to be able to spend time with Sadie, having to say goodbye to Scott now knowing exactly when I'll see him again --- I've cried a lot over these past few days... to the point I'm a little tired and could sleep for a long time. But I won't - I'm truly intrigued by the idea of my being here. I still don't know why I am here or what exactly the purpose is, but I'm excited to find out.

Anyway, it may be a while before I write again - I'm going to be moving in tomorrow with a very dear friend and her family and I'm not sure when I'll be able to get the chance to update. I forget how involved setting up a new chapter in your life is...

phoenix

I've been slowly getting things together for the move in a few days - trying to know what exactly I need to bring for however long I might be gone. I'm beginning to realize that beside clothes and a few items, I really don't need much. (Of course, I say that now and I'll probably end up with a Dodge Neon full of random things.)
At any rate, I was thinking how incredibly difficult it was for me emotionally to leave Utah and move to Chicago. My family was at a point where we weren't sure what was happening with Sadie and the idea of planning a move across the country during this time seemed incomprehensible. I feared throughout the months prior to the move that something might happen to Sadie while Scott and I were driving to Chicago or that something may happen in the first few weeks I was there. Gratefully, that didn't happen and it was around that time when Sadie was able to do many wonderful things.
The interesting thing I've noticed since moving out here to Chicago is the connection I've felt to my family. I like to think I took advantage of most opportunities to be with my family while I was living in Utah, but there has been an increased spiritual connection while I've been away. (I really can't explain it - perhaps other people who have lived away from home know what I'm talking about.) Also, people who really know me know that I rely heavily on spiritual feelings and impressions anyway, but that has been dramatically increased while being here in Chicago. One thing I've noticed is that I've been having dreams more frequently - very poignant and vivid - to the point that I've been recording them and trying to understand them more fully. There is one in particular that is so close to my heart that I can't usually think long about without getting emotional and I woke up this morning with the feeling to share it. With the idea of Sadie and of time being so precious for my family, I felt it appropriate:

"Jan. 27, 2009-
As the dream began, I remember a small boy with a large bunch of beautiful red balloons. The dream progressed with some random storyline that I can’t quite recall - but every now and then there would be that boy with the balloons. It seemed though that every time I saw him throughout the dream, there were less balloons. At the end of the dream, I was at a stadium of some sort and noticed that the boy was there and only had 3 balloons left. For some reason, he accidentally let go of the remaining balloons and they started to glide through the air. They weren’t just floating up. There was a huge crowd of people at the stadium and it seemed that everyone was just struck by this scene of these beautiful balloons just gliding a few feet above the crowd. One by one, the balloons popped by a few people trying to get rid of them and only one was left. I remember being so outraged that out of all those balloons only one could be left and I was shouting at people trying to make them stop and to just let the balloon do it’s thing. It was so beautiful as it just glided and it seemed that most all of us were just hypnotized by it. The final balloon ended up popping, but as the remnants of the balloon slowly fell down, it slowly changed into a bird - one I recognized in my dream as a phoenix. I don’t think words could describe how breath-taking it was - it looked young and full of life. And instead of the typical idea of what the mythological bird looks like, this bird was similar to pale pink in color, but so vibrant and amazing to look at. As odd as it sounds, it’s a color I know I’ve never seen awake but recognized it instantly when I saw it. Another detail was its eyes - they seemed very defined and confident, yet peaceful. It landed near the crowd and just stood there majestically. As we all stood there, speechless and in awe, another phoenix landed next to the first. At this time, I became a overcome by emotion in the dream and I started to sob uncontrollably because the sight of all this was so beautiful. As I was crying in my dream, I realized that I was dreaming - and as I was waking up, I still couldn’t hold in the emotion and I woke up sobbing."

I know in my heart the meaning behind this dream, but feel the description of it will wait for now. But since this may be the last post I make before I head back to Utah, I ask for your prayers for Sadie and for the Huish family during this time. (And maybe if you have a moment, some prayers for my poor Dodge Neon to make the trip back to Utah.) :)

A little story

It's time for a little story. It's a stunning tale about a young man who had recently moved to a big city with the person he loves beyond words. Times were difficult, but somehow they made it work and life was surprisingly happy through it all. One day, the young man felt a strong desire to go back to the land from which he came from - and he wasn't sure why. So pushing feelings aside, he continued to work whenever he could and lived life the best he knew how. Not too far after, he had a feeling to return to the land from which he came from again. He, being a person who relied heavily on what he felt in his heart, recognized the feeling again and took it more seriously. Despite his recent move to a big city with the person he loved so much, he made preparations to move back to the land where he came from - not knowing exactly why, but feeling strongly that it was right.

Is it an interesting story? I'm trying to see if the situation I'm currently facing makes more sense when I look at it in this light. The story I just explained is something I've been facing over the last month or so. But let me tell you a little bit more.

Truth be told, times are hard. Work at the hotel is sporadic and I've been filling my time with cleaning the apartment, running, reading and baking. Scott has been busy with school and aside from this past weekend where we had the pleasure of entertaining guests at our home, we rarely see each other outside of the evenings when he comes home from school. So when the initial idea of heading home came to my mind, I felt it was more of an escapist idea. It seemed too convenient to go back to Utah where I was making more money, where I was completely comfortable with life, and where I was around family (especially given the time frame with Sadie and her battle with cancer) - so I pushed it out of my mind. Why? Because I feel at home here in Chicago. Scott and I have started our lives from scratch here and while it is difficult, I'm happy with where we are and how we've grown just in the few months we've been here. It's really something quite beautiful and I didn't feel any quick desire to abandon that. So I pushed the feelings to go back to Utah aside. It didn't seem logical.

With my time off of work, I've been trying to develop myself spiritually. I've felt that it is something that I've been lacking lately, so I had been researching and studying scripture, meditating and praying, trying to develop a greater relationship with God, trying to understand chakras further, trying to be more in tune to my higher self, and I've even been reading quite a bit on animal guides and Shamanism. So with that in mind, when the feeling to go back to Utah came again a few weeks later, I listened to it more thoroughly. I began to think about stories in the Bible where God was calling various people and how they either listened right away or if it took a few different calls for them to take notice. I wondered if this could be similar. It posed the question - If God called on me would I recognize it? Truth be told, it scared me to think of heading back to Utah. When I sat down and really thought about it, I didn't want to. I didn't want to leave Scott behind with the life we had created here in Chicago.

So I called a dear friend who I relate to in many different ways - one of which is spiritually. She asked me questions trying to dive further into what the reasoning might be for going back to Utah, offered suggestions, words of encouragement and told me to meditate about it. So I did and felt very strongly that it is something I should do. I think the most interesting thing about all this is how incredibly understanding everyone had been about this. Scott is completely supportive (despite the fact that I don't know how long I'll be there) and is planning on helping me drive across the country back to Utah. My brother and his beautiful wife and family have offered a place for me to stay while I'm there and my work here in Chicago expressed their support for me to do what I need to do and guarantees me a job there again when I return. I think the fact that the support for me in this execution of the moving back to Utah is a sign in itself that it's what I should be doing.

So despite that plans are set to go (I should be back in Utah by March 16), I still feel a deep pit in my stomach at the thought of leaving Scott for an extended period of time. It's been such a great experience to be in a city on our own and to grow together. I really feel that our relationship has been strengthened tremendously by our choice to move here to Chicago and the idea of leaving, even for just a little while, is so hard to think about. So while I realize that we still have two weeks together before I leave, I've found that little kisses when he gets home or sleeping next to him at night mean so much more.

Also, those who know me and my family well may realize that yesterday was the year mark of Sadie's diagnosis - I strongly urge you to check out the entry my sister did on Sadie's blog (link on the side). Her strength is so amazing that it brings me to tears. As for me and my words, I have nothing profound to say. I only know that seeing my niece defy odds and to see her live her life with purpose despite her struggles gives me such strength and faith. Not only her, but to see my sister, someone whom I have always looked up to in so many different ways, battle this situation with such courage, strength and love is inspiring. They have taught me to live life more fully and to not take any moment, no matter how large or small, for granted.

So, that is my story for now. A work in progress, if you will...

Mid-February Ramble

As I'm beginning this, I'm realizing that I don't have much to say... I just feel like I need to write. So here I am. (That is the only warning you guys are going to get... if I end up on some tangent and type out senseless babble for the next little while, consider yourself warned.)

Things are going well here in Chicago. This week was good for work - I ended up getting a few shifts (lately, I've been averaging about 2-3 shifts per week). When the dramatic decline in work shifts began, I was so upset - but now I am just grateful to have a job and to have any shifts at all. There were a few lay-offs at work and in my field, open positions are scarce. That being said, I've been keeping my eye out for positions elsewhere - either for a part-time job or full-time if they can guarantee hours. Gratefully, I got a call back this past week for a position in the bakery of Treasure Island (a upscale grocery store here - although I keep thinking Vegas whenever I say the name). I'll be calling them this coming week to set up an interview and hopefully start soon so I can have a more steady income coming in. Time's are hard, but you do what you gotta do, right? I feel like things are going to work out great though - I figure it's just a matter of time.

I know this may sound a bit strange, but I feel like this whole gap in my work schedule and all this down time is meant to be for my benefit. I don't think I've ever had this much time to be so reflective on life, my ideas, my plans, my beliefs. And, here's the interesting part, I feel like I have something to learn - but I'm not sure what quite yet. Yes, money is tight - and I imagine it will be substantially tighter as the lack of shifts at the Westin progress, but so far, it's worked out. So, we'll see...

Family in Utah is doing great as far as I can tell - I get random updates from my mom throughout the week. She is hilarious - she knows all of my siblings business (and my own, of course) and then takes it upon herself to update everyone of the kids of the others business. That may be the case for most families, but it never ceases to crack me up. It's to the point that whenever I talk to my brother or sisters, we can pick up our conversation without doing catching up.
Side Story: For Valentines Day, I wanted to get Scott flowers, but flowers die and Scott is more horticultural than most people I know - so I figured we should get a plant for the apartment. We ended up going to Lowe's to do our plant searching and it was the exact same layout as the one in Utah that Scott and I would go to when we lived downtown. I guess we were in there for a while because when we went outside again, I expected the large Wal-mart on 1300 South to be across the street. When it finally clicked that I was in Chicago, I felt like I'd been sucker punched with homesickness. Moments like that don't happen very often so it took me a bit off guard (and I was fine soon after), but there are still moments I miss being in Salt Lake City - the closeness to family, the familiarity, etc.
So - circling back around, I appreciate my dear mom. She keeps me so up-to-date with how everything is, I almost feel like I'm there. I don't talk much to my siblings - my sister is a mother of 6; my other sister is a mother of 3 and has extra demands with Sadie's condition; and my brother and his wife both work full-time and raise 2 kids - so their lives are all incredibly busy. But I miss them all terribly. I can't say that I'd see them any more than I do now if I was back in Utah with how hectic our lives can all be, but the emotion is still there.

Anyway, yesterday was Valentines Day - and I'll admit, I've always been one of those people who despise the day. If not for anything else, for the blatant commercialism and the expectation that you need to buy things for the one you love to prove you love them. That being said, I think Scott and I went a little overboard this year with Valentines - he gave me some great gifts, including a new Walkman MP3 player - I gave him some gifts, we made breakfast together, I met him downtown after his shift with a rose (so everyone would know that the hot guy working at the Gap is taken...), he made some delicious alfredo with scallops, I made a red-velvet cake with cinnamon buttercream frosting and we watched a romantic gay comedy (naturally). So - while I had never been a fan of Valentines before, I have been converted to the idea that a day of love is worth indulging in. Especially when I have someone who, after two years, still makes me smile for no reason at all and my heart jump.

To close, I wanted to share a few pictures from a couple runs I did around the city. Lately, I've discovered the thrill of running in cold weather. It sounds so strange, but it is so exhilarating to run in snow and be motivated by nothing else but the fact you need to move or freeze. So, that being said, these pictures were taken from my camera phone and are from two different runs and two different areas along the coast of Lake Michigan.

Really.

Dear Shitty Economy,

As much as I love all the time off that my work has been forced to give me because of you, I really enjoy working and making money. I'm not going to point any fingers or blame anyone or anything, Economy, for the reason you are so damn shitty, but it's time to turn things around.

With love,

Nik

Third Person

I'm in the process of cleaning off my desk and I came across a paper I wrote a few months ago on a random whim describing myself in third person. At the time, I thought "People tend to write about their own lives all the time, but what if someone wrote about my life? I wonder what they'd say?" So - Instead of being my humble self, I wrote what I honestly felt and tried not to edit myself. It's a very short (and very rough) draft, but I thought it'd be fun to share... and extend a challenge to anyone who reads this to try it. It's interesting what you come up with.

"Long slender fingers showing wear of a working man with a feminine touch. He could accomplish miracles with those hands - not on a large scale, but more everyday ones that most take for granted. And he never did take it for granted. His skill was an art and he considered it a gift from a higher source - and he was determined to make the most of it.
He used to doubt himself in the most peculiar way. He considered accomplishments were chance and never allowed himself to be happy. In fact, he denied it, thinking somehow a lack of joy would compensate in the end. Because it was what he once believed. No - because it was what he once was told to believe.
He tends to ponder at great lengths how the minds of humanity must work - and seeks to justify in his own mind why people think and act the way they do. He may never fully understand, but constantly aims to try."