A life lesson

The desire to express my emotion through writing comes at the strangest moments - when I'm driving to work, while I'm running - usually never when I'm sitting in my room with nothing pressing to take care of. As luck would have it, I am in my room tonight with nothing pressing to take care of and I felt the need to write. I am jumping at the chance.

My last entry was a couple of weeks ago in anticipation for my visit back to Chicago to see Scott for his birthday. It was an amazing trip - it was so great to be with Scott, simply being together doing the everyday things we would normally do. I had a tremendously hard time coming back - in the last few hours we were together (and hours preceding), tears fell consistently and I wondered what might happen if I 'accidentally' missed my plane.

Well, the weeks since that trip have been short, but the tears have continued to fall for different reasons. If you are reading my blog, I can almost certainly wager you have been visiting my sisters blog as well. It is heartbreaking to read her words and to know what she and that beautiful family are going through. I tend to read her entries and feel like this experience is a gut-wrenching story that has no connection to me whatsoever. Like it's simply one of those Lifetime stories you allow yourself to cry with while you watch it and then the T.V. turns off afterward and you move on. But the truth of the matter is that this is my niece who is dying and this is my sister who is facing a situation no parent should ever have to face.

I've been trying to go over there when I can to at least help out with Olivia and Sam so that T and Zac can focus more attention on Sadie and her needs. The one thing I can say about ours and Zacs family that I truly admire is that no matter how much Sadie's condition regresses, our family adapts to those changes and works through them - still knowing that Sadie is just as intelligent and gifted as always. The same goes for Sadie - no matter what physical challenges she faces, she still smiles and laughs and meets those challenges head on. It is inspiring.

Recently, I've been talking to my friend Caitlin what I've been feeling and I told her how work, while draining me physically, has been a perfect distraction from the situation my family is facing and me being away from Scott. She replied by telling me Harmon's is a big building called Denial. I laughed - but agreed. Since then however, I've noticed a parallel between the lives of those around me lately at work. Here are a few examples of situations that my co-workers have faced recently:
Surgery to remove prostate cancer; the death of a father to Alzheimers Disease; the death of a boyfriend, whom my co-worker had been dating for over a year; the death of a brother-in-law to colon cancer. And while all of these situations are completely horrible, they have all learned from these situations and have shared their wisdom to me - whether they realize it or not. Mainly, to truly live life while you have it; to take time to own your emotions, no matter what it is; to love those you care about unconditionally while you have them in your lives; and to remember the achievements of ones life, not focus on their death. I know that just looking at these people on the surface, you'd never have imagined these challenges they've faced - But they are making it through. And as much as I can't comprehend what the next few weeks may hold, I hope I'm able to follow the examples of those people during this difficult time.

Going home.

I'm going to be flying back to Chicago tomorrow for an extended weekend in honor of Scott's 25th birthday... I should be asleep considering the day I've had, but I am too excited. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that it feels like being a kid on Christmas Eve with the anticipation of what the next day is going to bring. Scott and I have been talking everyday since I moved back to Utah and while I still feel he knows everything about what's going on in my life than anyone else, I can't wait to be able to spend these few days being face to face with him. We won't need to say much of anything because we don't need to catch up at all - just being together will be enough.

This little vacation back home to Chicago couldn't have come at a more perfect time - work, while such a tremendous blessing to have, is literally wearing me thin. Since I started working with Harmon's, I've been averaging about 55+ (very physical) hours a week. This week would've been even more intense considering I only worked three days and clocked out today with almost 38 hours. There is just always something more that needs to be done... once I think I have things pretty well under control, I find that there are a least a few other things that need taken care of. And because I have the experience to do those things, they tend to fall directly on my shoulders. There, my friends, lies the blessing and curse of going above mediocrity on a daily basis.

And that is the surface.

Underneath the exterior, work has been a incredibly wonderful distraction from being away from Scott and to not get my mind distracted how Sadie is doing. I won't lie, I worry. A lot. My mom somehow instilled that in me and I haven't been able to shake it. So I've found that working as much as I have has not only given me more financial security (which means less stress in one area of my life. Woot.) but forces me to prioritize my time and energy effectively to avoid those lulls in my life where I sit dormant. When I work this much, I tend to take advantage of the time I have free to spend time with my family or to be at the gym or take care of those odds and ends that get left behind.

I think today was the final drop that made the glass overflow - my fatigue caught up with me. It's the type of feeling where you want to go home, spend an evening on the couch watching a movie with your love. And that is exactly what I intend on doing. (Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get a massage or something.)



I realized recently that I tend to be incredibly personal on this blog. If you're reading this, I hope you don't mind that I am. But truth be told, I never write with the intention that anyone will ever read it (except myself when I'm feeling reflective) - so I'm always somewhat taken aback when someone asks me about something I wrote in this blog. I don't know - there's a sense of freedom in expressing words to the world that you never know someone may hear.

Brigitte

I don't mean to continue to mention death in my posts, but this entry deals primarily with my mom and why she is a constant source of strength in my life.

I was talking to my mom today and she was telling me about the day my father had passed away. She mentioned it was near the end of the day and that all of us kids were over at a friends house. My father's body had been just taken away, friends and family were leaving the house and she was left sitting on the front porch. The sun was setting and while she was sitting there, she could hear cars honking and driving by - the sounds of life moving on all around her. She told me tonight that while she was sitting there, she just wanted to scream 'STOP' to the world - just for a minute... because at that minute, her life had stopped. She then told me that that was the moment she knew she was going to make it... and from then on, she took it minute by minute - until she could take it hour by hour, day by day, then month by month.

My mom went on to raise four children, go back to school for nursing, work full-time - and still find time to make sure that we kids never went without. Looking back on my life, I realize that I never doubted how much my mom loved me and cared for me - and from that strength, determination, and love she helped mold me into the person I am today. In honor of my incredible mom, and to all the amazing selfless mothers out there, I wish a very Happy Mother's Day.

Dad and Death

The other day when I was leaving the gym, I decided to go visit my dad's grave. It's placed in a large cemetery off of Redwood Road and where my dad is buried has an incredible view of the mountains and the Salt Lake Valley. I've been there a few times since I've been back and I can't help but feel a mixture of emotion every time I go there. For those who don't know, my dad passed away after a battle with cancer when I was 4 years old - so some of my earliest memories are of visiting my dad at the cemetery. As I got older, I think part of me resented the fact that the only personal relationship I ever really had with my father was starting down at his bronze weather-worn grave marker. And for a while, I didn't go. I feel for many people, they avoid cemeteries because of negative emotions or because they don't feel the spirit of the person is still there. I think for me both of those reasons were definitely the case - I resented that place.

So it's been interesting for me to be back recently to visit his grave. I feel I've grown tremendously spiritually over the years and while I do feel close to my father spiritually, I've grown to enjoy visiting him. It may seem strange for people who haven't lost a close loved one, but I'm unashamed to say that when I go there, I will sit on the grass, clean the grave marker up a bit and talk to him about everything that is going on my life.

It was peculiar to me this last time I visited him though. I noticed from a distance that a mother was walking around the cemetery with her two children. They didn't seem sad and didn't seem to be looking for any specific grave site - they were just walking around looking at different ones. I heard one of the younger kids call out that he saw a grave site for a baby - and it made me remember when I was younger, walking around the different graves, trying to do the math in my head of how old someone was when they had passed away. Or when my family and I would go to visit my dad's grave and see an area that had just been relayered with sawd because someone had just been buried there - and show our respect by walking around it and not over it. Or when my family would bring flowers to my dad's grave and just sit and talk to each other, strengthening our relationships with each other. And I guess that's when it hit me that the idea of death has been something I had learned to accept at a very young age - And it made me wonder if these kids at the cemetery were in the process of learning it too. It was beautiful that day - sunny, warm breeze, lovely view of the valley - it made me realize that death and learning to accept it can actually be quite beautiful as well.

bittersweet

I should be in bed. I have work in the morning and I'm pretty tired from my shift today.

That's the recipe for a blog session, folks. My mind is busy with ideas, expectations, plans and goals and there is no way I can sleep without getting at least some of it out. Those who visit my blog occasionally may think I haven't written in a while. Truth of the matter is, I've written a few blogs over the past few weeks, but I post them at night and remove them in the morning. It's essentially been the same thing as writing a letter to someone you'd really love to tell off and then just burning the letter instead of mailing it. The words I wrote were useless negativity pointed toward the idea of being here and not knowing why. Writing is therapeutic (and sometimes an escape) for me and I got rid of those emotions by writing what I truly felt. But re-reading those postings in the morning, I'd realize I didn't want anyone to see it. You understand, right?

At any case, I am doing very well now. After 3 1/2 long weeks of waiting to hear back from my interview, I was offered an assistant bakery manager position at the Harmon's in West Jordan. The hours are random, the pay is good (with strong possibilities of overtime) and the crew I work with is mature and great to be around. I couldn't ask for better at this point. Now I can focus on filling the financial hole I dug myself into from the economy back in Chicago, continuing to be with my family and friends at every chance I get and when I have time, count down the days until I go back to see Scott again. (31 days or so, by the way...)

What have I been up these past few weeks, you may ask? Lunch with my grandpa and aunts, dinners at my moms, spending quality time with my sister and her family one day and my other sister and her family the next, working out more than I ever expected myself to, clubbing with friends, getting drunk with friends, brunch with friends, lunch with friends, watching some new releases in the movie theaters and hating every single one of them, reading, laughing until I can't breathe with my brother and his family, going on random drives, watching the sunrise at my dads grave, learning Italian, sleeping, dreaming, writing, dancing, baking, missing Scott, running, playing Wii and actually getting decent at it, watching the entire series (up to this point) of Brothers and Sisters, attending mass, getting my cards read by a psychic, contemplating, meditating, praying, staring blankly and then snapping out of it only to wonder how long I was actually staring blankly...

It's been a busy couple of weeks. And while I've had such a great experience here so far, I still miss my home in Chicago everyday - I miss seeing Scotts facial expressions daily (especially when he's trying to be mad, but I can see a slight smirk on his face), I miss sex and the connection I felt with him, I miss knowing he's just in the other room looking at opera on youtube, I miss entertaining guests in our home, I miss my cats and how they meow for no reason, I miss experiementing with recipes in my kitchen...

So while I feel I'm where I'm supposed to be, it's completely bittersweet. And not in a delicious chocolately sort of way. (Well, maybe in that sort of way.)

Probably just time for bed...

It's been a few days since I've written last. I'm getting a little anxious from waiting to hear back from Harmon's about the bakery management position and am still deciding if I'm considering it a lost cause. At any rate, I have just opened a bottle of delicious French red wine and am sipping it slowly as I think of what I want to say, what I plan for my immediate future and why the hell I am even in Utah.
Not to say that I haven't enjoyed being in Utah immensely so far - I've reconnected with some of my closest friends and have been able to spend some quality time with family members (not counting those of whom have been touched with the flu). I see random coincidences on a daily basis that reconfirm that I'm where I should be--- Take for instance the way I was trying to kill some time by running to Barnes and Noble to get an Italian dictionary for my language studying and the man ringing my purchase up ended up being my dad's cousin. Or the way that my computer crashed and one of my best friends (who I was planning on hanging out with that night anyway) ended up being a computer whiz (unknown to me until that point) and saved me hundreds of dollars by installing new programs and new memory in my computer for free. It's been too bizarre. I think I've needed those moments because I find myself waking up on a daily basis without Scott next to me and without the sounds of my needy cats outside the bedroom door and my heart sinks a little bit as I wonder 'why?'.
It's no surprise to anyone that I've been missing Scott terribly. I don't know where I thought it in my mind that I felt I was being overbearing with contacting Scott through calls, texts or messages on facebook, so I worried that I should be giving him space. That created a bit of a conflict because it ended up that Scott and I missed each others calls and didn't end up talking for 2 days. Scott was understandably upset and I felt like a jackass because I created drama in my mind that didn't even exist. Today we talked for a while about everything and came to an understanding about communication and our expectations. It's rough for us because we have never been in a relationship with anyone as long as we have been with each other and we've never had positive experiences with long distance relationships. So this is new territory and we are learning as we go along. That being said, I feel confident in our relationship and I think if anyone can make this type of situation work, it's us. I love that man so much. I don't know what he did to me, but I am completely head over heels. I'm glad in a way that we had this conflict so early into this long distance period so we were able to learn how to continue to improve our relationship and keep the deep connection we shared when we were living together. Still, I can't wait to see his face again.
At any rate, I'm very pleased to report that my niece is doing very well - so well in fact, that she constantly puts me to shame on Nintendo Wii and laughs when I lose miserably. I won't lie when I tell you all that I lost sleep at night my last week in Chicago, worrying that I wouldn't make it back in time to see her again. My siblings and mom told me in a very loving way to hurry the hell up because time was short. While it is true that Sadie is not the same girl I saw at Christmas, she is still so full of life, love and creativity. Some of the projects that she creates, the pictures she draws, and the fact that she loves so deeply that she cries out of pure happiness makes me feel so overwhelmingly blessed to be a part of her life. I am so happy that I've been able to spend time with her and my family over this time I've been back.

And that is basically my life up to this point. As for right now, I've taken a break from sipping wine and have resorted to simply swirling it in the glass as I watch the cursor blink in a timely rhythm. I'm not even tipsy from the wine and I've already let my mind fade gently into a blissful lack of concern for any problems I'm facing. Maybe that's a good indicator I've said all I've needed to say. Or perhaps that problems I feel I'm facing aren't worth worrying about. Or perhaps it's just time for bed.

this is the place?

Long story short, I am back in Utah. Scott, myself, and Proud Mary (my Dodge Neon) trekked 1,500 miles from Chicago to Utah over the span of 2 days. We started driving on Sunday, taking a break in Des Moines at Scott's moms and continued the journey on Monday. I won't lie - when entering Salt Lake City after being in Chicago, I couldn't help but feel a little down. I forgot how brown, dry and small Salt Lake City actually is... not to say that Salt Lake City can't be lovely, but this time of year just isn't. And it definitely made me second guess my choice in coming here.

Over this past week, I was able to spend time with nearly all my siblings and mom, play with my nieces and nephews (and I've been graciously blessed with arts and crafts from each of them), revisit some great friends and spend quality time with Scott before he headed back to Chicago. I also had an interview with Harmon's Grocery as a bakery manager - a step up from the position I had when I worked with the company before. The interview went well and I'm still waiting to hear back - hopefully it works out... it'd be such a great opportunity in so many ways.

Intentionally, I'm glazing over the details of this past week. It's been very emotional for me to say goodbye to my life in Chicago (if even for a short while), to see my family again and to be able to spend time with Sadie, having to say goodbye to Scott now knowing exactly when I'll see him again --- I've cried a lot over these past few days... to the point I'm a little tired and could sleep for a long time. But I won't - I'm truly intrigued by the idea of my being here. I still don't know why I am here or what exactly the purpose is, but I'm excited to find out.

Anyway, it may be a while before I write again - I'm going to be moving in tomorrow with a very dear friend and her family and I'm not sure when I'll be able to get the chance to update. I forget how involved setting up a new chapter in your life is...