Experiences Had, Lessons Learned

I logged in to my account tonight and I looked at the entries I started but never finished over the past few weeks - there have been about three entries that have never seen the light of day. One of them actually had no words - I remember that I had intentions to write, but all I ended up doing was staring at the screen. There was no way all the thoughts and emotions I felt could be put into words. More often than not, that has basically been what I've been experiencing over the past month. Here are some excerpts from the entries I never finished:

June 26, 2009:

Today I turned 26. Truly though, my birthday has been something that has been in the back of my mind all day with the recent passing of my niece. My mind keeps racing back to special memories of family events or little moments her and I shared together and I find myself having a hard time staying present.

A little over a week ago, I had dinner with a dear friend who asked me what my resolutions were going to be for my new year. I gave him a look that told him he needed to explain himself further, and he told me that he feels resolutions should happen on your birthday and that way you can plan to make your new year more personal and meaningful. I really liked the concept and intended to write my goals, resolutions and aspirations for my 26th year. I still intend on doing so...

But right now, my mind is on my niece, my sister and her beautiful family. It's been a heartbreaking couple of days to say the least. I think that we, as a family, have been expecting this to happen for a while, but while Sadie was nearing the end of her life, we found it hard to grasp that it was actually happening.

I called my mom after I had gotten off of work on Wednesday and asked how things were going and she said that things were getting more severe. I don't think it registered in my mind that this could actually be the end until I got home to change and I checked my nieces blog. The most recent update was simple and brief: Hospice came and said Sadie may have about 48 hours - probably less. So I showered, got dressed, drove to my sisters - staring blankly the entire time, trying my best to process what was actually happening.

I actually stopped the entry there. At the time, I couldn't go much further as I recalled details from the last 24 hours of Sadie's life. I didn't want to write about them then and truly, I didn't know how.

July 17, 2009:

I've thought about writing over the past few weeks and I just couldn't. Something in me seemed to be unable to express what I felt in words. So instead, I've spent the last few weeks dealing with my emotions in other ways - Running, just sitting and thinking, going on drives, allowing myself to cry - Everything still seems so surreal.

Details of the last 24 hours of Sadie's life keep drifting to the front of my mind consistently, as do random special memories - like the first time I was able to spend time with her after I got back from serving as a missionary. She was only a year and a half or so, but was definitely very cautious of strangers. So I sat in her room and tried playing and talking with her and it wasn't long before she was handing me her blocks to help build and soon even let me pick her up. I remember how light she felt and how proud of the fact that she was letting me hold her and she was alright with it. It's strange how vivid those details and emotions are in my mind - but I'm very appreciative of the fact that I've held onto that moment, as well as many others... It had helped me tremendously over the past few weeks.

There's a part of me that truly wishes I could talk about my experience of being able to be there with my entire family during Sadie's last night or how I felt the following morning after she had passed away - but words could never do justice to the emotion and experience felt. It was truly sacred. My mom compared it recently to trying to explain a brilliant sunset - You may be able to describe details, but the experience is truly felt... and how does one adequately describe that? Suffice to say, those last moments are among the memories that drift around my mind as I go throughout my day - undeniably bittersweet, yet extremely close to my heart.

Sadie's passing was actually the day before my birthday. That morning, my sister hugged me and told me that Sadie would've loved to have been able to run, play and have fun on my day - and I couldn't have imagined a greater gift than that.

That takes us to today. Here I am - a little over one month since Sadie's passing and somehow life has continued to move on. I've had a great deal of time to reflect on many things and the thought occurred to me soon after Sadie's death that she accomplished every single goal and was truly able to live a fulfilling productive life, regardless of how short it was. It is inspiring. With that in mind, I've actually looked at my own life and thought what I could do to truly fulfill my dreams and goals. In regard to my career, what I really want to do is to be a successful pastry chef for a solid, successful business - preferably a major hotel.
I know that I've written before about my experience that I've had with the Marriott in downtown Chicago (if you are feeling reminiscent, check out my posting of the drama that went down: http://nikpug.blogspot.com/2008/10/semi-update.html) Well, despite the fact that things turned out less than ideal last time, I still truly respect the executive pastry chef that works there and value her opinion. So I e-mailed her recently, caught her up a bit - explaining why I was in Utah and that I had intentions to move back to Chicago. I also expressed the fact that I am looking to start my career, not just settle for a job to make ends meet and that if she had any ideas or leads to any places downtown that would seem ideal for me, I would very much value anything she might suggest. She e-mailed me back and said that the Marriott would actually be hiring new people for the pastry department over the next few months and that we should keep in touch. Last week, I noticed that a position opened online and I applied for it - considering the way things turned out last time, I was incredibly timid about the personality test but Cheryl (the executive pastry chef) e-mailed me and let me know that I had passed the personality assessment. Gratefully, that pushed me into the next round of candidates and from what I hear, interviews were this past week so a decision will be made fairly soon. Truly, this job is ideal. It is my dream job. I don't want to seem overly confident about this opportunity because I don't truly know if I'll get it or not, but I feel really good about it. It's funny looking back on that experience that I had with the Marriott before and how it seemed so ideal but it just didn't work out. I have no doubt now that it didn't work out because I was meant to be here in Utah with family during Sadie's last few months - and truly there is no other place I would've rather have been. But it seems as though the perfect opportunity I thought I had before is presenting itself again. It's humbling and incredibly exciting.

Another thing that I found remarkable about Sadie was her faith in Jesus Christ. I initially thought that her belief in Christ was a direct reflection of what T and Zac had taught her - and to a point, I'm sure that is true. How else do young children develop a belief system or acquire faith? But during her last year on this earth, that faith was much more than a belief. It was knowledge. I remember reading her blog and seeing the pictures that she had drawn (http://sadiehuish.blogspot.com/2009/06/faith-and-testimony-of-miss-sadie.html) and thinking "How is that possible? How can a child draw those types of pictures?" And I have no doubt that she knew. So, while I have always been someone who is deeply spiritual, I never had faith in Jesus Christ. But to make a very long explanation of what I am going through short, I trust my niece completely. Because of her knowledge of Jesus Christ, I have recently began a Christ-centered spiritual journey. This journey isn't religion specific - in fact, I've been asking many people from many faiths over the past few weeks about their suggestions of what I should read or what ideas they might have. I guess for the longest time I've been so cynical about the life of Jesus Christ - it seemed to be so mythological and unrealistic to me. And the idea of one man not only knowing every single person on a very personal level, but suffering and dying for each of us seemed a bit too much. But oddly, it doesn't seem so now. Like I said, I trust Sadie. I don't know if my faith will ever evolve into knowledge - but I very comfortable with taking this journey slow and really learning all I can about the life of Jesus Christ. I imagine it will be a very rewarding experience.

So that is where I'm at right now. I still find myself sad occasionally, but I've learned so much from Sadie and her life and I am really trying to apply those things to my life. It's been great to have been able to be here in Utah to have spent quality time with Sadie while she was still healthy enough to be active. It was necessary for me to be with family during those moments before and after Sadie's passing. It's been incredibly beneficial to have close friends and family around to spend time with. I have absolutely no regrets about being here.

I've heard that a person needs to know where they came from before they can know where they are going. Throughout my life, I've been so consumed by whatever chapter in my life I am currently involved in that I don't factor in my previous experience. But these past few months have seemed to merge every aspect of my life into one moment - now. Who I am is a result of every experience I've had and I feel ready to continue on with my life embracing that.

A life lesson

The desire to express my emotion through writing comes at the strangest moments - when I'm driving to work, while I'm running - usually never when I'm sitting in my room with nothing pressing to take care of. As luck would have it, I am in my room tonight with nothing pressing to take care of and I felt the need to write. I am jumping at the chance.

My last entry was a couple of weeks ago in anticipation for my visit back to Chicago to see Scott for his birthday. It was an amazing trip - it was so great to be with Scott, simply being together doing the everyday things we would normally do. I had a tremendously hard time coming back - in the last few hours we were together (and hours preceding), tears fell consistently and I wondered what might happen if I 'accidentally' missed my plane.

Well, the weeks since that trip have been short, but the tears have continued to fall for different reasons. If you are reading my blog, I can almost certainly wager you have been visiting my sisters blog as well. It is heartbreaking to read her words and to know what she and that beautiful family are going through. I tend to read her entries and feel like this experience is a gut-wrenching story that has no connection to me whatsoever. Like it's simply one of those Lifetime stories you allow yourself to cry with while you watch it and then the T.V. turns off afterward and you move on. But the truth of the matter is that this is my niece who is dying and this is my sister who is facing a situation no parent should ever have to face.

I've been trying to go over there when I can to at least help out with Olivia and Sam so that T and Zac can focus more attention on Sadie and her needs. The one thing I can say about ours and Zacs family that I truly admire is that no matter how much Sadie's condition regresses, our family adapts to those changes and works through them - still knowing that Sadie is just as intelligent and gifted as always. The same goes for Sadie - no matter what physical challenges she faces, she still smiles and laughs and meets those challenges head on. It is inspiring.

Recently, I've been talking to my friend Caitlin what I've been feeling and I told her how work, while draining me physically, has been a perfect distraction from the situation my family is facing and me being away from Scott. She replied by telling me Harmon's is a big building called Denial. I laughed - but agreed. Since then however, I've noticed a parallel between the lives of those around me lately at work. Here are a few examples of situations that my co-workers have faced recently:
Surgery to remove prostate cancer; the death of a father to Alzheimers Disease; the death of a boyfriend, whom my co-worker had been dating for over a year; the death of a brother-in-law to colon cancer. And while all of these situations are completely horrible, they have all learned from these situations and have shared their wisdom to me - whether they realize it or not. Mainly, to truly live life while you have it; to take time to own your emotions, no matter what it is; to love those you care about unconditionally while you have them in your lives; and to remember the achievements of ones life, not focus on their death. I know that just looking at these people on the surface, you'd never have imagined these challenges they've faced - But they are making it through. And as much as I can't comprehend what the next few weeks may hold, I hope I'm able to follow the examples of those people during this difficult time.

Going home.

I'm going to be flying back to Chicago tomorrow for an extended weekend in honor of Scott's 25th birthday... I should be asleep considering the day I've had, but I am too excited. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that it feels like being a kid on Christmas Eve with the anticipation of what the next day is going to bring. Scott and I have been talking everyday since I moved back to Utah and while I still feel he knows everything about what's going on in my life than anyone else, I can't wait to be able to spend these few days being face to face with him. We won't need to say much of anything because we don't need to catch up at all - just being together will be enough.

This little vacation back home to Chicago couldn't have come at a more perfect time - work, while such a tremendous blessing to have, is literally wearing me thin. Since I started working with Harmon's, I've been averaging about 55+ (very physical) hours a week. This week would've been even more intense considering I only worked three days and clocked out today with almost 38 hours. There is just always something more that needs to be done... once I think I have things pretty well under control, I find that there are a least a few other things that need taken care of. And because I have the experience to do those things, they tend to fall directly on my shoulders. There, my friends, lies the blessing and curse of going above mediocrity on a daily basis.

And that is the surface.

Underneath the exterior, work has been a incredibly wonderful distraction from being away from Scott and to not get my mind distracted how Sadie is doing. I won't lie, I worry. A lot. My mom somehow instilled that in me and I haven't been able to shake it. So I've found that working as much as I have has not only given me more financial security (which means less stress in one area of my life. Woot.) but forces me to prioritize my time and energy effectively to avoid those lulls in my life where I sit dormant. When I work this much, I tend to take advantage of the time I have free to spend time with my family or to be at the gym or take care of those odds and ends that get left behind.

I think today was the final drop that made the glass overflow - my fatigue caught up with me. It's the type of feeling where you want to go home, spend an evening on the couch watching a movie with your love. And that is exactly what I intend on doing. (Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get a massage or something.)



I realized recently that I tend to be incredibly personal on this blog. If you're reading this, I hope you don't mind that I am. But truth be told, I never write with the intention that anyone will ever read it (except myself when I'm feeling reflective) - so I'm always somewhat taken aback when someone asks me about something I wrote in this blog. I don't know - there's a sense of freedom in expressing words to the world that you never know someone may hear.

Brigitte

I don't mean to continue to mention death in my posts, but this entry deals primarily with my mom and why she is a constant source of strength in my life.

I was talking to my mom today and she was telling me about the day my father had passed away. She mentioned it was near the end of the day and that all of us kids were over at a friends house. My father's body had been just taken away, friends and family were leaving the house and she was left sitting on the front porch. The sun was setting and while she was sitting there, she could hear cars honking and driving by - the sounds of life moving on all around her. She told me tonight that while she was sitting there, she just wanted to scream 'STOP' to the world - just for a minute... because at that minute, her life had stopped. She then told me that that was the moment she knew she was going to make it... and from then on, she took it minute by minute - until she could take it hour by hour, day by day, then month by month.

My mom went on to raise four children, go back to school for nursing, work full-time - and still find time to make sure that we kids never went without. Looking back on my life, I realize that I never doubted how much my mom loved me and cared for me - and from that strength, determination, and love she helped mold me into the person I am today. In honor of my incredible mom, and to all the amazing selfless mothers out there, I wish a very Happy Mother's Day.

Dad and Death

The other day when I was leaving the gym, I decided to go visit my dad's grave. It's placed in a large cemetery off of Redwood Road and where my dad is buried has an incredible view of the mountains and the Salt Lake Valley. I've been there a few times since I've been back and I can't help but feel a mixture of emotion every time I go there. For those who don't know, my dad passed away after a battle with cancer when I was 4 years old - so some of my earliest memories are of visiting my dad at the cemetery. As I got older, I think part of me resented the fact that the only personal relationship I ever really had with my father was starting down at his bronze weather-worn grave marker. And for a while, I didn't go. I feel for many people, they avoid cemeteries because of negative emotions or because they don't feel the spirit of the person is still there. I think for me both of those reasons were definitely the case - I resented that place.

So it's been interesting for me to be back recently to visit his grave. I feel I've grown tremendously spiritually over the years and while I do feel close to my father spiritually, I've grown to enjoy visiting him. It may seem strange for people who haven't lost a close loved one, but I'm unashamed to say that when I go there, I will sit on the grass, clean the grave marker up a bit and talk to him about everything that is going on my life.

It was peculiar to me this last time I visited him though. I noticed from a distance that a mother was walking around the cemetery with her two children. They didn't seem sad and didn't seem to be looking for any specific grave site - they were just walking around looking at different ones. I heard one of the younger kids call out that he saw a grave site for a baby - and it made me remember when I was younger, walking around the different graves, trying to do the math in my head of how old someone was when they had passed away. Or when my family and I would go to visit my dad's grave and see an area that had just been relayered with sawd because someone had just been buried there - and show our respect by walking around it and not over it. Or when my family would bring flowers to my dad's grave and just sit and talk to each other, strengthening our relationships with each other. And I guess that's when it hit me that the idea of death has been something I had learned to accept at a very young age - And it made me wonder if these kids at the cemetery were in the process of learning it too. It was beautiful that day - sunny, warm breeze, lovely view of the valley - it made me realize that death and learning to accept it can actually be quite beautiful as well.

bittersweet

I should be in bed. I have work in the morning and I'm pretty tired from my shift today.

That's the recipe for a blog session, folks. My mind is busy with ideas, expectations, plans and goals and there is no way I can sleep without getting at least some of it out. Those who visit my blog occasionally may think I haven't written in a while. Truth of the matter is, I've written a few blogs over the past few weeks, but I post them at night and remove them in the morning. It's essentially been the same thing as writing a letter to someone you'd really love to tell off and then just burning the letter instead of mailing it. The words I wrote were useless negativity pointed toward the idea of being here and not knowing why. Writing is therapeutic (and sometimes an escape) for me and I got rid of those emotions by writing what I truly felt. But re-reading those postings in the morning, I'd realize I didn't want anyone to see it. You understand, right?

At any case, I am doing very well now. After 3 1/2 long weeks of waiting to hear back from my interview, I was offered an assistant bakery manager position at the Harmon's in West Jordan. The hours are random, the pay is good (with strong possibilities of overtime) and the crew I work with is mature and great to be around. I couldn't ask for better at this point. Now I can focus on filling the financial hole I dug myself into from the economy back in Chicago, continuing to be with my family and friends at every chance I get and when I have time, count down the days until I go back to see Scott again. (31 days or so, by the way...)

What have I been up these past few weeks, you may ask? Lunch with my grandpa and aunts, dinners at my moms, spending quality time with my sister and her family one day and my other sister and her family the next, working out more than I ever expected myself to, clubbing with friends, getting drunk with friends, brunch with friends, lunch with friends, watching some new releases in the movie theaters and hating every single one of them, reading, laughing until I can't breathe with my brother and his family, going on random drives, watching the sunrise at my dads grave, learning Italian, sleeping, dreaming, writing, dancing, baking, missing Scott, running, playing Wii and actually getting decent at it, watching the entire series (up to this point) of Brothers and Sisters, attending mass, getting my cards read by a psychic, contemplating, meditating, praying, staring blankly and then snapping out of it only to wonder how long I was actually staring blankly...

It's been a busy couple of weeks. And while I've had such a great experience here so far, I still miss my home in Chicago everyday - I miss seeing Scotts facial expressions daily (especially when he's trying to be mad, but I can see a slight smirk on his face), I miss sex and the connection I felt with him, I miss knowing he's just in the other room looking at opera on youtube, I miss entertaining guests in our home, I miss my cats and how they meow for no reason, I miss experiementing with recipes in my kitchen...

So while I feel I'm where I'm supposed to be, it's completely bittersweet. And not in a delicious chocolately sort of way. (Well, maybe in that sort of way.)

Probably just time for bed...

It's been a few days since I've written last. I'm getting a little anxious from waiting to hear back from Harmon's about the bakery management position and am still deciding if I'm considering it a lost cause. At any rate, I have just opened a bottle of delicious French red wine and am sipping it slowly as I think of what I want to say, what I plan for my immediate future and why the hell I am even in Utah.
Not to say that I haven't enjoyed being in Utah immensely so far - I've reconnected with some of my closest friends and have been able to spend some quality time with family members (not counting those of whom have been touched with the flu). I see random coincidences on a daily basis that reconfirm that I'm where I should be--- Take for instance the way I was trying to kill some time by running to Barnes and Noble to get an Italian dictionary for my language studying and the man ringing my purchase up ended up being my dad's cousin. Or the way that my computer crashed and one of my best friends (who I was planning on hanging out with that night anyway) ended up being a computer whiz (unknown to me until that point) and saved me hundreds of dollars by installing new programs and new memory in my computer for free. It's been too bizarre. I think I've needed those moments because I find myself waking up on a daily basis without Scott next to me and without the sounds of my needy cats outside the bedroom door and my heart sinks a little bit as I wonder 'why?'.
It's no surprise to anyone that I've been missing Scott terribly. I don't know where I thought it in my mind that I felt I was being overbearing with contacting Scott through calls, texts or messages on facebook, so I worried that I should be giving him space. That created a bit of a conflict because it ended up that Scott and I missed each others calls and didn't end up talking for 2 days. Scott was understandably upset and I felt like a jackass because I created drama in my mind that didn't even exist. Today we talked for a while about everything and came to an understanding about communication and our expectations. It's rough for us because we have never been in a relationship with anyone as long as we have been with each other and we've never had positive experiences with long distance relationships. So this is new territory and we are learning as we go along. That being said, I feel confident in our relationship and I think if anyone can make this type of situation work, it's us. I love that man so much. I don't know what he did to me, but I am completely head over heels. I'm glad in a way that we had this conflict so early into this long distance period so we were able to learn how to continue to improve our relationship and keep the deep connection we shared when we were living together. Still, I can't wait to see his face again.
At any rate, I'm very pleased to report that my niece is doing very well - so well in fact, that she constantly puts me to shame on Nintendo Wii and laughs when I lose miserably. I won't lie when I tell you all that I lost sleep at night my last week in Chicago, worrying that I wouldn't make it back in time to see her again. My siblings and mom told me in a very loving way to hurry the hell up because time was short. While it is true that Sadie is not the same girl I saw at Christmas, she is still so full of life, love and creativity. Some of the projects that she creates, the pictures she draws, and the fact that she loves so deeply that she cries out of pure happiness makes me feel so overwhelmingly blessed to be a part of her life. I am so happy that I've been able to spend time with her and my family over this time I've been back.

And that is basically my life up to this point. As for right now, I've taken a break from sipping wine and have resorted to simply swirling it in the glass as I watch the cursor blink in a timely rhythm. I'm not even tipsy from the wine and I've already let my mind fade gently into a blissful lack of concern for any problems I'm facing. Maybe that's a good indicator I've said all I've needed to say. Or perhaps that problems I feel I'm facing aren't worth worrying about. Or perhaps it's just time for bed.