It's Oh So Quiet

The apartment is so quiet right now. I guess I've grown accustom to hearing Scott listening to opera scenes on youtube or hearing him perfecting a piece that he's learning for one of his upcoming roles. But he is in transit to Princeton, New Jersey for the next two months for a summer program. I know he's going to be incredibly busy and I know I am going to be incredibly busy with my work - but here I am at day one and I already miss hearing him in the other room. It's something I'm sure I will get used to over time - The opera world seems to be incredibly transient with going from place to place for weeks to months at a time. I should've prefaced that with a "If you're good, the opera world seems to be transient"... And Scott is. He may be just starting out his professional career, but it's only a matter of time before he is singing all over the world, selling out opera theaters, getting standing ovations and such. I'll look back on this time and think "Wow. I had a hard time with him being gone for two months? Bitch, please." or something along those lines. Above it all, however, I am so proud of him. I have no doubt he's going to do (and be) amazing.

Aside from that, I had the entire day off - to myself. This past month was insane with looking for a new apartment, Scott's recital, Scott's graduation, people visiting from town every weekend for 4 weeks straight, wedding cakes and prom events at the hotel, being sick for a good 2 weeks (thanks to allergies I didn't know I had) - I feel like I've hardly had time to sit and breathe - and suddenly, there is a calm silence in the apartment and I can't help but feel like I should be running somewhere or doing something specific. But instead, after an emotional goodbye early this morning, I went back to sleep (and slept in), I took time making breakfast, I did yoga, went for an hour run along Lakeshore Drive, spend some time with kitty - just took time to enjoy myself again. I have plans this evening to research some things for a project at work, as well as research for my new blog www.pastrymelioration.blogspot.com. This blog was created with the thought that I fully intend to take my career to the next level and learn all I can to be the best - because, let's be real, it's inevitable that I'm going to be incredibly successful. I look quiet and soft-spoken, but I am ambitious and determined to constantly be better than I am. So, with that in mind, I realized recently that there are things in my career I need to work on, and I'm going to track those goals, lessons, and thoughts on that blog. Read it if you'd like, shout out some ideas/comments from time to time and we'll all have a splendid time learning something together.

All in all, the update is this: Things are going really well. I am getting back into my marathon training (there was a decent pause due to... well... the month of May [see previous paragraph]); the career is going incredibly well, especially with the wedding season already in full swing; We (Scott, myself and our roommate Jess) renewed our lease and are staying in our apartment for another year (thus, eliminating the stress of moving); Truly, I expect some great things to happen this summer.

One thing that was incredible (that I unfortunately missed due to being here in Chicago) was a golf tournament/silent auction that T and Zac set up in honor of Sadie, that benefitted 'The Cure Starts Now' chapter in Utah. The updates that I've been seeing from Sadies blog (sadiehuish.blogspot.com) as well as T's facebook have been showing that the event was a huge success. It is so exciting to hear about.

June is bound to be a very special/emotional month - I do look back on memories from last year fondly, but it was just such an awful situation to be going through and my heart aches when I think of Sadie being gone for an entire year. It is still so unbelieveable. One of many things I gained from being back in Utah last year was being grateful for each moment and taking advantage of it - that has definitely played heavily into my daily life.

More updates are sure to follow - especially with all this extra free time on my hands. :)

Food to me

I’ve been meaning for a while now to update my blog with all the things that have happened recently. At any rate, many things have happened and as I look back, there has continued to be a continual positive change as time progresses. I still love work completely – I wake up every morning with a mix of excitement and a tinge of anxiety for what the day will hold. Usually I learn something new every day – whether its creating something I’ve never had the chance to in the past, or having an opportunity to refine a skill I already have or discovering away to make something good into something great. My boss continues to push me and encourages me to expand my horizons and strive for perfection. I appreciated it at first with a sense of respect, but now I demand it of myself. Good enough simply isn’t good enough anymore and I love that I’ve gotten to that point already in my career. As a result I expect incredible things from myself and I know I’ll accomplish it by being where I am.

I mentioned before on the blog that one of the hard things for me with creating the menu for this past season was flavor profiling and creating items – in truth, I still struggle with that, but I appreciate the challenge. Something that has helped was a book that was recommended to me by a co-worker entitled Not for Bread Alone – Writers on food, wine and the art of eating (Daniel Halpern). It is a collection of some of the greatest minds in culinary on their experiences with food, how it affects them, their origins with it, their ideas of the future of it and so on. It really got me thinking about my origins of food and where my love of food began.

I can remember looking forward to my mom doing wedding cakes, which meant I'd be taking scraps of wedding cake from a giant plastic bowl and dipping it in the other large bowl filled with white butter cream; I remember my mom making a delicious almond plum tart in a sheet pan and eating so much of it that I made myself sick (and I’d usually eat it row by row instead of piece by piece so no one knew that I was taking as much as I was – my idea of being clever… something I still tend to do when Scott makes cookie bars); I remember my best friend and I making birthday cakes for each other with the most random flavors (Do you remember when boxed cakes had tropical flavors, like kiwi?); I remember making caramel corn with my siblings from a kids cookbook that we used so many times the pages stuck together; I remember pistachio pudding (with mini marshmallows) feeling like a luxury; I remember completely disregarding the great things my mom had planted in the back – tromping through raspberry bushes, hating the plumb trees because of how they smelled when the fruit fell and rotted on the ground, playing batting practice with the not quite ripe green apples in the large tree – never really making the connection between the things that were growing in the back were actually edible and delicious.

I can never quite recall my mom making meals – since my dad passed away when I was really young, she would spend most of her time at work or school and I can vividly remember eating out a lot. Taco Time was a favorite spot and reminds me of mom simply because we would make journeys there if only for large Cokes with the pebble ice. Likewise, Sunday traditions would include getting donuts from Winchells and later on grabbing a bucket of KFC and either going for a Sunday drive or spending time together in my Mom’s room watching TV. And to this day, I still feel like a McDonalds Coke will cure anything.

My siblings can probably remember a time when my mom would cook regularly but, aside from her wedding cakes, I simply do not. And it’s nothing against her in any way because I know she was incredibly busy and was truly doing all she could do – I mean, after work and school, coming home to cook a meal for 5 people probably didn’t seem like the most practical. I feel ashamed to say it, but I hated bringing a lunch to school – and Mom always packed one for me despite all she was doing. I know she was doing the best she could, but I remember on a number of occasions eating PB&J sandwiches on hamburger buns, an apple and crumbly potato chips and I was so embarrassed to eat it front of people. It seems so silly now to look back on and especially now that money can be tight for me at times, so I improvise in random ways like she did. But I also remember my initial or nickname always being on the brown paper sack with a smile – and sometimes she would even include a note just to say she loved me and to do well in school. (I think I still have a lot of those notes in a box somewhere – even at 7 or 8, I thought it was the sweetest thing ever.)

It’s pretty interesting how our lives connect with food – I mean, really, you spend 3 times a day (hopefully) devoting time specifically to nourishing yourself and more often than not, enjoying that food with someone you love &/or doing something you enjoy. Food is directly connected to love and pleasure. I encourage anyone reading this to really look back on your life and think about your memories of food – it’s actually quite an experience.

This entry took a completely different route than anticipated – there is still so much to say, but apparently this needed to be said at this time.

Speaking of food – it is definitely dinner time.

Now and Later

I discovered tonight that I actually enjoy running. Maybe it's because I've been doing a form of training for the past 3 weeks or so and perhaps it is finally something that my body responds incredibly positively to. Up until this point, running has been something that I do to stay in shape, avoid the diabetes that runs in the family, relieve some negative emotion, a way to discover neighborhoods, etc. - but I've never felt like I run because I love running - but alas, I now do. I am a runner. And along those same lines, I have gotten a keen itch that I want to continually have something to look forward to (in regard to fitness). I recently decided that I want to do a triathlon. I still do - but after reading books on it and researching what is needed for it, I have decided to postpone simply because of the lack of disposable income. If I, say, won the lottery and had an abundance of extra money floating around - Well, sure. I would get the essentials (and probably some non-essentials because I could.) But I will just wait for now and instead focus my workouts around running and cross-training - namely, introducing my legs to long distances and speed on the bike and also learning how to not flounder like a beached whale while I swim. It's a work in progress, but I've been devoting some quality time to it. My new goal in mind, however, is crazy and exciting. I have decided to run a marathon in every state by the time I'm 50. (50 before I'm 50 - get it?) I've always wanted to travel around - I don't care where, just discovering some place new that I've never been to. And what better way to discover a place than to devote 26.2 miles running around? I also decided that my 51st marathon will be the yearly marathon held in Athens, where the marathon came to be. Suffice to say I have my work cut out for me - but I'm looking forward to it. The Chicago Marathon this year is going to be held on October 10, 2010 (10-10-10) - so I'm pretty sure I will register for that little nugget and get this goal in action.

And great timing - I just finished a huge project at work, involving the creation, experimentation and execution of the new dessert menu for the restaurant at the Marriott and it. has. been. stressing. me. out. I have discovered throughout this process that I, in fact, am not a foodie. I don't necessarily crave foods or have specific comfort foods - in fact, when asked by my boss what my favorite dessert type comfort food it, I couldn't think of one. I still can't. I don't necessarily enjoy eating desserts - I usually eat a dessert because it's there in front of my face. I don't really go out of my way to make things for myself. I like to make things and pawn it off on people - I enjoy the creation aspect, I enjoy making the final product brilliant and I enjoy seeing people enjoy it. So - back to this menu - imagine me sitting down with a blank sheet of paper planning out 4-5 main desserts, 4 pies, 4-5 ice creams and a specialty drink, all with appropriate garnishes and plating presentations. *sigh* I felt like I was in school again and it seemed that I was putting more pressure on myself than I needed. The more I worked on it, the more I drew a blank. So I was given suggestions to help the creative flow. One, which I loved, was going through cookbooks, recipes and articles and picking out ones with interesting flavors. For instance, I saw an apple-oatmeal muffin that was flavored with maple syrup. So I wrote down 'Apple, Oatmeal, Maple' and thought about desserts that I'd enjoy that would include those ingredients. (The final product, by the way, is an Apple Oatmeal Stout Cake: The same idea as an upside down cake, with sauteed apples (in a maple sour cream sauce) on the bottom of an aluminum baking cup, then putting oatmeal cake batter (flavored with Guinness) on top. Bake that off, then when it comes out of the oven, turn it over on the plate (in all it's warm gooey gloriousness) and add house-made granola and a scoop of house-made maple ice cream.) So, while the entire process, in hindsight, was a great experience, I'm just exhausted from trying to get it all to work out and getting the menu up and running. Thanks to the incredible help the entire way from a co-worker, we were able to start the new menu today. No matter where you were, I'm sure you personally heard my sigh of relief this morning around 11:30 this morning when I finally set everything up and had finished the tasting with the restaurant staff. But like all things in life, you can never just stop and enjoy the moment - I got word today that we need to start thinking about the new menu for spring. Good times.

So - work is well. Health is well. And big news - I'm finally getting my ass back to Utah to see my family. It's funny how time has flown. I got caught up in work as soon as I got here and when I was able to have time off with the slow months at the beginning of the year, I couldn't afford to make it back there. God bless the tax return, because I booked my ticket and will be back in April. I imagine it'll be an emotional time, not only because it will have been roughly 9 months since I've seen them all last, but also because of our plans to run the Salt Lake 5K that weekend. The last time we did that, we were part of around 75 people, grouped together as Team Sadie, decked out in pink shirts (and facial hair in my brothers case) - Sadie was in a stroller, also decked out in Team Sadie apparel and pushed by T throughout the race. Two years later, we've decided to group up as a family and do this in remembrance and honor of Sadie - And I like to imagine that this year Sadie will be running along side us.

Anyway, I've had an exhausting day and need to take a breather away from the glow of a computer screen. In the words of a hymn, 'Happy day, all is well'.

(Did I really just reference a hymn? And of all the ones to reference, 'Come, Come Ye Saints?'. I'm keeping that line in because it's too random to delete.)

Until next time!

Holidays 2009

I'm starting this post in Kansas City, MO. I'm coming up on the tail end of an eventful holiday and am now here in Missouri supporting Scott in his first professional opera gig. Apparently a wealthy couple was celebrating their 50th anniversary and wanted to have opera singers perform their favorite opera. Scott was a part of this opera production this previous summer in Chicago, so was chosen to perform here in Kansas City. Pretty exciting... I'm trying to refrain from gushing, but, truth be told, I'm so proud of him.

This holiday season has been a great one. Full of emotion, but overall wonderful. Work has been incredibly stressful, but in a different way than before. Where a few months I was working some hard 70+ hour weeks, I am now barely able to make 40 hours - but still be expected to produce the same amount of work. I was tired before, but now I am physically exhausted and want to sleep all the time. Granted, I don't - thank God for coffee and other caffeinated products.

I can't really complain though. My executive pastry chef is exceptionally wonderful at her job - she is a rare breed that can completely fulfill both the pastry aspect and the management aspect of the position. She is understanding of where I'm at personally and professionally in my career and is very supportive in helping me become all I can be. That being said, she can be a gigantic bitch. There have been numerous times, I am not proud to admit, that she has come down on me for not being fast enough, for not assessing a situation properly or for not managing my time well enough. I know that as I write this, she is stretching me to become the best I can be - but there are times that I want to either scream and throw something or cry. Or both. Her and I recently had a sit down and talked about my goals and plans for the future. I expressed my interest in management and learning all I can in baking and pastry. So with that in mind, she has not forgotten on what I want to learn and continues to push me to the edge everyday.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm tired all the time. The stress of the job isn't just trying to get everything to look and taste perfect, it's the stress of getting it perfect in the fastest amount of time possible with a wonderful/frightening boss looking at your every move.

Which is why I've been truly enjoying my time away from work and from Chicago. I needed a break and the fact that it is the holidays and that Scott has a gig in a random city I've never been to helped me tremendously.

Christmas was great this year. Scott and I were actually able to wait until the 23rd to exchange gifts (usually neither of us can wait to give a gift, so we tend to give the gift the day we bought it). Scott got me a new camera and a beautiful glass mug set from Crate and Barrel, I got Scott a new external hard drive for his computer (doesn't sound exciting, but the man needed it) and a set of lovely champagne glasses from Crate and Barrel (great minds think alike). We also got each other stocking stuffers - I got him a new Vivica Genaux C.D. and he got me stainless steel measuring spoons and a wine bottle stopper. We also got each other the same snacks from World Market without the other knowing it - delicious imported grape gummies, dark chocolate bar with sea salt and ginger mints.

I worked the few days leading up to Christmas, including Christmas Eve. That day nearly killed me at work (see description of work above) and then I raced home to get ready for the Christmas service at church. There was a little pre-party with the choir members before the service started, then we all went over to the church to sing our little hearts out for the Christmas service. Its been pretty interesting singing with the choir. I, by no means, have a great singing voice - it is fairly average, in fact - but being able to sing the unique pieces we've sung and having the spiritual aspect of church to look forward to on a weekly basis has been a great experience. Not to forget, I love being a part of the choir when Scott is singing a solo - it sounds lame, but it makes me feel like I'm able to be a part of what he does and it makes me feel a little closer to him. That being said, the Christmas service was beautiful and full of music - some of the music was stunning, some that was a little odd - but all in all was a great privilege to be a part of. The service ended with the entire congregation singing Silent Night and the only light was from all of us holding candles - I'm not sure if that is typical of a Christmas service, but it was lovely and something I've never experienced. I got a tad emotional, given the year I've had, and I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed the entire experience. Especially since Christmas Eve has always been my family's time and it will always be hard to be away from them on that day. Talking on the phone with them during the party just isn't the same, you know? (Plus, I kept thinking how nice it will be to have this year over with. It has been such a rollercoaster.)

Anyway, the next morning, Scott and I got up early and hit the road. We were able to get to Des Moines by 1:00 or so and spent the entire day and night at his dad's house. It has been interesting to see an evolution in Scott and his dad's relationship - there has been quite a history with them, but the more Scott and I spend with his dad and his step-mom, Karen, the more I love and respect them. Take for instance the fact that they put a picture of Scott and I up in their home. It may seem small, but that little gesture nearly made me break out into tears. (Are you all getting the bottom line that I am emotional?!) I've never known acceptance like that - scratch that, not just acceptance, but love and support of us as a couple. They, as well as Scott's mom Collette, freely give us a place to stay whenever we are in town - I've never felt more welcome and more part of the family than I did over this holiday.

Scott and I got spoiled with gifts - we got some amazing books, some incredible cooking/baking supplies, among other things. The most exciting thing though was the fact that Scott's sister, Stacy, had her baby boy, Samson Ferris Hancock on December 28th. Unfortunately, it was the first night that Scott and I got into Kansas City, so we haven't been able to meet the little guy yet, but we are so excited to see him.

It made me think of all my nieces and nephews back in Utah - I sure miss them all so much. I miss Sadie everyday and thought of her a great deal over the past month - I still check Sadie's blog everyday. It has become habit. No longer am I checking to see if there is an update in her condition, but I still like to know that people besides me are thinking of her regularly. My sis does a great job at doing that.

God, what an emotional year. What an emotional holiday. Wish you all the best start to your new year - Oh. And Scott and I decided that instead of 'resolutions', we are doing 'New Years Renovations'. Feel free to jump on that train. ;)

Resolutions/Thanksgiving

As many of you know, my birthday this past year was an emotional one. I had moved back to Utah for a few months to be with my family while my niece fought a incredibly brave battle with cancer - she passed away the day before my 26th birthday. I don't remember much about my birthday except that I was numb and didn't really do much of anything - at least that's what I thought. Today I came across a list of my new year's resolutions - See, I decided (with the wise advice from a close friend) that resolutions should start on your birthday and be your goals and plans for your new year. I don't remember making a list, but I did - and it goes as follows:

• Commit time to getting in touch with myself spiritually
• Learn more about Jesus Christ - hopefully develop faith in Him
• Learn major chords on the guitar
• Commit myself to writing more poetry
• Find a stable career in Chicago that I love, has great benefits for Scott and myself.
• Get a new tattoo (in remembrance of Sadie)
• Read a new book every month
• Learn to love exercising (especially building muscle - not just doing cardio all the time)

I post it here now simply because a new year is coming up and since we as a people tend to draw our attention to resolutions and trying to make ourselves better, it felt somewhat appropriate. There are a few things on my list that I haven't even touched - learning to love exercising, learning major chords on the guitar, and getting a tattoo to name a few. But there are some that have already happened or are in the process of happening. The way things worked out with Marriott has given me a very stable career here in Chicago that I love completely and as of last week, Scott and I have insurance and benefits. By taking the train to work, I have a good 45 minutes each way with nothing much to do - except read. As a result, I've been able to read a new book every couple weeks.
And regarding spirituality, I'm sure it goes without saying that it is something that is definitely not a destination, but a journey - and I'm in the process. I've mentioned this in previous blogs, but because of Sadie, I have started a very serious journey of faith centered around Jesus Christ. I've been spending quite a bit of time reading, praying, relying on my feelings and intuition about what feels right - and as a result I do have faith in Jesus Christ. It may be small at this point, but it is there - and I'm curious to see where this road takes me in the future.
So while my new years resolution may have been written and forgotten about for a while, it's been interesting to look at it now and assess what I've been able to do and what now needs to be taken care of to make my life a little bit better. (And I partly posted it on here to make it more concrete in my mind that those things need to get taken care of.)

In other news, Thanksgiving was great. Scott and were able to take a few days off and head up to Des Moines to spend time with his family - and what a family they are. I've been told by nearly each one of them on separate occasions that I am part of the family. They make me feel completely welcome and I never feel like Scott and I being in a relationship is ever an issue. In fact, the reason I find it so amazing to be around them is that it's not an issue at all. I don't know if that makes sense at all, but it is what it is. We were able to relax, go shopping some, eat a lot, and put up some Christmas decorations. (And it was nice for me to have 3 days off in a row after the schedule I've had recently) We spent the majority of the time at his mom's house and spent the last afternoon at his dad's house, leaving back to Chicago soon after. It was great to spend some time with them and it'll be nice to head back here in a few weeks for Christmas.

And speaking of Christmas, Scott and I have officially decorated for the holidays. It took some rearranging and a good chunk of time, but we have our tree up and all the holiday decorations out. Here is a little picture of what it all looks like:


Today was filled with decorating, listening to classic Christmas music (which has to include the Carpenters, in my opinion) and spending some much needed quality time with Scott. All in all, a wonderful day off.

I also wanted to post a picture or two of the gingerbread castle that almost killed me.
This picture doesn't do much justice - it has over 1000 pounds of gingerbread on it. It's probably about 12 feet wide and roughly 9 feet high, all the windows are sugar (poured by hand), a train runs through the entire thing, and on the left side there is a giant teapot that pours chocolate into a big teacup. It took about 12 of us and 6 weeks to finish the entire thing (and do all of our regular responsibilities on top of it). Good times had by all.

Anyway, hope your holidays are off to a great start. I'll be in touch again soon.

Pre-Holiday Catch-up

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not, but I made a Christmas mix today. Scott made a mix last week and we both decided that to make our holiday season the best during the trips to Des Moines (and doing the normal festive things during the coming weeks) we'd need the ultimate mix. So his mix and mine will together make the ABSOLUTE best Christmas mix extravaganza ever. I've been listening to it today and it's gotten me thinking (more than usual). And for once, I actually had time to do nothing but sit, relax and enjoy.

I haven't had much time to do that lately. Work has been incredibly demanding of my time and energy - my boss, the executive pastry chef demands 150% at all times and calls you out, sometimes humiliatingly, if you aren't up to par. I've learned a many lessons over the past few months about what to do and how to do it right.
If any of what I just said sounds negative, I need to be clear and say that it is not. I've learned more in the past few months than I feel I did collectively in school and previous jobs. I only say that because my boss and the people I work with now not only teach me how to do things the best and most efficient way, but tell me why things work or react the way they do to create the desired effect. The knowledge I'm gaining is substantially more rounded and practical. I can only imagine how great it will be a few months down the road when I really have the hang of things and the various things I learned will not be new anymore, but second nature. I'm actually really looking forward to that. And something incredibly exciting is the fact that my 90 days are soon coming up which means that Scott and I will have health insurance and benefits just in time for the winter months. All in all, things are going incredibly well.

With that in mind, however, I have been working anywhere from 50-70+ hour weeks and I am simply exhausted. My days off usually tend to be a large case of catching up on things that absolutely need to get taken care of - bills, loads of laundry, cleaning, shopping, etc. (That whole being an adult thing - I'm not quite sure it's all that it's cracked up to be... but I guess I don't have much of a choice at this point. ) My work days usually end fairly late. Scott, who has an equally (sometimes more) demanding day with school and work, gets home around the same time. He and I throw dinner together and spend a couple hours together before it's time for bed.

Scott has been faced with a good deal of drama at school recently, but many of the major kinks have been resolved and things seem to be working out well now. He still works part-time at the Gap on Michigan Ave (with hopes of leaving soon) and also works for St. Matthews Church in Evanston as their section leader in the choir. I actually recently joined the choir, partly to be able to be a part of the choir during the holidays and partly to be able to spend more time with Scott. It's been going pretty well so far - I definitely feel out of my element but as long as I'm not asked to do more than the blending in I am currently doing, I think things will work out great. I love being able to sing though - I may not be the greatest by any means, but there have been some beautiful pieces we've already sung and it's just such a great way to... well, I can't think of a better word right now than feel. It's emotional and wonderful and I enjoy being able to do it on a weekly basis.

Family is doing well - as to be expected, life has (somewhat) gotten back to normal and life is hectic for all of us again. I don't talk to my siblings as often as I'd like though I usually get all the good stories from my mom, whom I talk with every week. I miss them a lot. I find myself reflecting on being with them over this summer frequently and I find that I think of Sadie repeatedly throughout the day. I'm still incredibly emotional about everything - especially with the holidays coming up. I'm getting a little bit of anxiety over the thought of spending Christmas away with things so different - to the point, I'm not really looking forward to the holidays. I love the music, I love the feelings that the holidays surface in everyone, I love the idea of being with Scott and being a part of his family during Thanksgiving and Christmas - but when I think of Christmas for me personally, I get a huge pit in my stomach. It's hard for me to think of my niece not being there, to have other family members who passed away this year not being around, to know that if I were home for the holidays that Scott wouldn't be there, to think how completely welcoming Scott's family is to me and know that, despite how incredibly close I am to my family, Scott will never get the same amount of love and support I've gotten from his family. My heart simply aches - moreso lately as the time gets closer to the holidays. So in the meantime, I get lost in work - learning all I can and developing myself more professionally - and take things a day at a time.

Well friends, I need to wrap this up - I have an early day tomorrow. I'll try to do better at this blog thing... who am I kidding? I always say that. Until next time.

Back home.

It's been nearly a week since I moved back to Chicago. I'm a little surprised how easily it was for me to be adjusted to living back in Chicago and getting accustomed to life here. It feels natural to wake up next to Scott, to have a whiny cat meowing at me for no reason, to walk to the train station to head downtown, to run along the trails near Lake Shore Boulevard and to bake random things in my kitchen. This truly feels like home. That being said, I find myself missing aspects of Utah - mainly things I did frequently, like random visits at family members houses, spending quality time with family and friends - but since I took advantage of those things while I was in Utah, I don't feel I missed out in any way. I have nothing but great memories to look back on - bittersweet in many aspects, but definitely great.

In regard to work, I had to take a drug test on Wednesday (I passed), had orientation on Friday, then started work on Saturday. I feel like it will take some getting used to - but that is the case with any job. I know how to do many of the tasks required of me, but knowing how it's supposed to be done specifically at the Marriott is the tricky thing. I'm sure I'll get the hang of things soon and am really excited to get to that point where I can work an entire day without asking what is expected of me or if there is something else I should be doing. Luckily, the crew I work with is incredibly helpful and so easy to get along with. I can tell there is a strong sense of trust and unity among them, which makes it all the more exciting to be involved in that type of environment. Overall though, I love it already. I imagine things will continue to get better as the days progress.

All in all, being back in Chicago is going very well. It is hard to be away from family and close friends, but knowing that I have their support - and given the fact that we all have phones, texting, e-mailing, etc. makes the distance seem, well... not so distant. I do find, however, that at random moments I miss Sadie terribly. Today Scott was playing Mika while he was making dinner and the song Any Other World came on. Unknown to nearly anyone, I played that song repeatedly before and after Sadie's passing - and haven't played it since. Hearing it today brought back the raw emotion and I wasn't ready for it. I feel bad in some aspect because Scott knew something was wrong, but I couldn't really express how it felt then and how it feels now. I feel like I'm walking around with a large wound that is healing incredibly slow and from time to time something hits me that makes me start to bleed again. And I find there's nothing I can do but let it bleed until it stops - and then I'll continue on.

With that in mind, and given the experience I had while in Utah, I really want to become actively involved with helping organizations associated with childhood cancers - I still need to do research to what type of organizations are out here in Chicago. When I look back on all the support, love and selflessness from the community during Sadie's battle, it makes me want to help in any way I can for other families facing similar situations.

All in all, I have very high expectations of myself here in Chicago - just because I was able to obtain my dream job doesn't mean the dreaming and reaching for goals will ever stop. I expect some great things to happen...