Resolutions/Thanksgiving

As many of you know, my birthday this past year was an emotional one. I had moved back to Utah for a few months to be with my family while my niece fought a incredibly brave battle with cancer - she passed away the day before my 26th birthday. I don't remember much about my birthday except that I was numb and didn't really do much of anything - at least that's what I thought. Today I came across a list of my new year's resolutions - See, I decided (with the wise advice from a close friend) that resolutions should start on your birthday and be your goals and plans for your new year. I don't remember making a list, but I did - and it goes as follows:

• Commit time to getting in touch with myself spiritually
• Learn more about Jesus Christ - hopefully develop faith in Him
• Learn major chords on the guitar
• Commit myself to writing more poetry
• Find a stable career in Chicago that I love, has great benefits for Scott and myself.
• Get a new tattoo (in remembrance of Sadie)
• Read a new book every month
• Learn to love exercising (especially building muscle - not just doing cardio all the time)

I post it here now simply because a new year is coming up and since we as a people tend to draw our attention to resolutions and trying to make ourselves better, it felt somewhat appropriate. There are a few things on my list that I haven't even touched - learning to love exercising, learning major chords on the guitar, and getting a tattoo to name a few. But there are some that have already happened or are in the process of happening. The way things worked out with Marriott has given me a very stable career here in Chicago that I love completely and as of last week, Scott and I have insurance and benefits. By taking the train to work, I have a good 45 minutes each way with nothing much to do - except read. As a result, I've been able to read a new book every couple weeks.
And regarding spirituality, I'm sure it goes without saying that it is something that is definitely not a destination, but a journey - and I'm in the process. I've mentioned this in previous blogs, but because of Sadie, I have started a very serious journey of faith centered around Jesus Christ. I've been spending quite a bit of time reading, praying, relying on my feelings and intuition about what feels right - and as a result I do have faith in Jesus Christ. It may be small at this point, but it is there - and I'm curious to see where this road takes me in the future.
So while my new years resolution may have been written and forgotten about for a while, it's been interesting to look at it now and assess what I've been able to do and what now needs to be taken care of to make my life a little bit better. (And I partly posted it on here to make it more concrete in my mind that those things need to get taken care of.)

In other news, Thanksgiving was great. Scott and were able to take a few days off and head up to Des Moines to spend time with his family - and what a family they are. I've been told by nearly each one of them on separate occasions that I am part of the family. They make me feel completely welcome and I never feel like Scott and I being in a relationship is ever an issue. In fact, the reason I find it so amazing to be around them is that it's not an issue at all. I don't know if that makes sense at all, but it is what it is. We were able to relax, go shopping some, eat a lot, and put up some Christmas decorations. (And it was nice for me to have 3 days off in a row after the schedule I've had recently) We spent the majority of the time at his mom's house and spent the last afternoon at his dad's house, leaving back to Chicago soon after. It was great to spend some time with them and it'll be nice to head back here in a few weeks for Christmas.

And speaking of Christmas, Scott and I have officially decorated for the holidays. It took some rearranging and a good chunk of time, but we have our tree up and all the holiday decorations out. Here is a little picture of what it all looks like:


Today was filled with decorating, listening to classic Christmas music (which has to include the Carpenters, in my opinion) and spending some much needed quality time with Scott. All in all, a wonderful day off.

I also wanted to post a picture or two of the gingerbread castle that almost killed me.
This picture doesn't do much justice - it has over 1000 pounds of gingerbread on it. It's probably about 12 feet wide and roughly 9 feet high, all the windows are sugar (poured by hand), a train runs through the entire thing, and on the left side there is a giant teapot that pours chocolate into a big teacup. It took about 12 of us and 6 weeks to finish the entire thing (and do all of our regular responsibilities on top of it). Good times had by all.

Anyway, hope your holidays are off to a great start. I'll be in touch again soon.

Pre-Holiday Catch-up

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not, but I made a Christmas mix today. Scott made a mix last week and we both decided that to make our holiday season the best during the trips to Des Moines (and doing the normal festive things during the coming weeks) we'd need the ultimate mix. So his mix and mine will together make the ABSOLUTE best Christmas mix extravaganza ever. I've been listening to it today and it's gotten me thinking (more than usual). And for once, I actually had time to do nothing but sit, relax and enjoy.

I haven't had much time to do that lately. Work has been incredibly demanding of my time and energy - my boss, the executive pastry chef demands 150% at all times and calls you out, sometimes humiliatingly, if you aren't up to par. I've learned a many lessons over the past few months about what to do and how to do it right.
If any of what I just said sounds negative, I need to be clear and say that it is not. I've learned more in the past few months than I feel I did collectively in school and previous jobs. I only say that because my boss and the people I work with now not only teach me how to do things the best and most efficient way, but tell me why things work or react the way they do to create the desired effect. The knowledge I'm gaining is substantially more rounded and practical. I can only imagine how great it will be a few months down the road when I really have the hang of things and the various things I learned will not be new anymore, but second nature. I'm actually really looking forward to that. And something incredibly exciting is the fact that my 90 days are soon coming up which means that Scott and I will have health insurance and benefits just in time for the winter months. All in all, things are going incredibly well.

With that in mind, however, I have been working anywhere from 50-70+ hour weeks and I am simply exhausted. My days off usually tend to be a large case of catching up on things that absolutely need to get taken care of - bills, loads of laundry, cleaning, shopping, etc. (That whole being an adult thing - I'm not quite sure it's all that it's cracked up to be... but I guess I don't have much of a choice at this point. ) My work days usually end fairly late. Scott, who has an equally (sometimes more) demanding day with school and work, gets home around the same time. He and I throw dinner together and spend a couple hours together before it's time for bed.

Scott has been faced with a good deal of drama at school recently, but many of the major kinks have been resolved and things seem to be working out well now. He still works part-time at the Gap on Michigan Ave (with hopes of leaving soon) and also works for St. Matthews Church in Evanston as their section leader in the choir. I actually recently joined the choir, partly to be able to be a part of the choir during the holidays and partly to be able to spend more time with Scott. It's been going pretty well so far - I definitely feel out of my element but as long as I'm not asked to do more than the blending in I am currently doing, I think things will work out great. I love being able to sing though - I may not be the greatest by any means, but there have been some beautiful pieces we've already sung and it's just such a great way to... well, I can't think of a better word right now than feel. It's emotional and wonderful and I enjoy being able to do it on a weekly basis.

Family is doing well - as to be expected, life has (somewhat) gotten back to normal and life is hectic for all of us again. I don't talk to my siblings as often as I'd like though I usually get all the good stories from my mom, whom I talk with every week. I miss them a lot. I find myself reflecting on being with them over this summer frequently and I find that I think of Sadie repeatedly throughout the day. I'm still incredibly emotional about everything - especially with the holidays coming up. I'm getting a little bit of anxiety over the thought of spending Christmas away with things so different - to the point, I'm not really looking forward to the holidays. I love the music, I love the feelings that the holidays surface in everyone, I love the idea of being with Scott and being a part of his family during Thanksgiving and Christmas - but when I think of Christmas for me personally, I get a huge pit in my stomach. It's hard for me to think of my niece not being there, to have other family members who passed away this year not being around, to know that if I were home for the holidays that Scott wouldn't be there, to think how completely welcoming Scott's family is to me and know that, despite how incredibly close I am to my family, Scott will never get the same amount of love and support I've gotten from his family. My heart simply aches - moreso lately as the time gets closer to the holidays. So in the meantime, I get lost in work - learning all I can and developing myself more professionally - and take things a day at a time.

Well friends, I need to wrap this up - I have an early day tomorrow. I'll try to do better at this blog thing... who am I kidding? I always say that. Until next time.

Back home.

It's been nearly a week since I moved back to Chicago. I'm a little surprised how easily it was for me to be adjusted to living back in Chicago and getting accustomed to life here. It feels natural to wake up next to Scott, to have a whiny cat meowing at me for no reason, to walk to the train station to head downtown, to run along the trails near Lake Shore Boulevard and to bake random things in my kitchen. This truly feels like home. That being said, I find myself missing aspects of Utah - mainly things I did frequently, like random visits at family members houses, spending quality time with family and friends - but since I took advantage of those things while I was in Utah, I don't feel I missed out in any way. I have nothing but great memories to look back on - bittersweet in many aspects, but definitely great.

In regard to work, I had to take a drug test on Wednesday (I passed), had orientation on Friday, then started work on Saturday. I feel like it will take some getting used to - but that is the case with any job. I know how to do many of the tasks required of me, but knowing how it's supposed to be done specifically at the Marriott is the tricky thing. I'm sure I'll get the hang of things soon and am really excited to get to that point where I can work an entire day without asking what is expected of me or if there is something else I should be doing. Luckily, the crew I work with is incredibly helpful and so easy to get along with. I can tell there is a strong sense of trust and unity among them, which makes it all the more exciting to be involved in that type of environment. Overall though, I love it already. I imagine things will continue to get better as the days progress.

All in all, being back in Chicago is going very well. It is hard to be away from family and close friends, but knowing that I have their support - and given the fact that we all have phones, texting, e-mailing, etc. makes the distance seem, well... not so distant. I do find, however, that at random moments I miss Sadie terribly. Today Scott was playing Mika while he was making dinner and the song Any Other World came on. Unknown to nearly anyone, I played that song repeatedly before and after Sadie's passing - and haven't played it since. Hearing it today brought back the raw emotion and I wasn't ready for it. I feel bad in some aspect because Scott knew something was wrong, but I couldn't really express how it felt then and how it feels now. I feel like I'm walking around with a large wound that is healing incredibly slow and from time to time something hits me that makes me start to bleed again. And I find there's nothing I can do but let it bleed until it stops - and then I'll continue on.

With that in mind, and given the experience I had while in Utah, I really want to become actively involved with helping organizations associated with childhood cancers - I still need to do research to what type of organizations are out here in Chicago. When I look back on all the support, love and selflessness from the community during Sadie's battle, it makes me want to help in any way I can for other families facing similar situations.

All in all, I have very high expectations of myself here in Chicago - just because I was able to obtain my dream job doesn't mean the dreaming and reaching for goals will ever stop. I expect some great things to happen...

Moving back.

After weeks of interviewing, stressing, praying, thinking positively and attempting to distract myself, I found out last Friday afternoon that I got the pastry position at the Marriott in downtown Chicago. It is quite literally a dream come true.

Honestly, I felt very positively about the whole experience to the point that I initially gave Harmon's my notice without knowing for sure if I got the position at the Marriott. I don't know if you've read 'The Secret' or know much about the law of attraction, but I feel like I was thinking along those lines the entire time. At any rate, my last day was supposed to be last Saturday - but given the fact that I found out for sure that I got the position on Friday, I asked if I could stay at Harmon's another week. Gratefully, they obliged. Little did I know that this week would entail continual drama with scheduling, lack of proper management in the bakery, associates calling in sick, etc. to the point that I will be working everyday until my last day. Quite the way to spend my last week in Utah.

Today I finally buckled down to get things ready for the move. I've been packing things in boxes, making mix C.D.'s for the road trip, canceling memberships here in Utah and getting my car checked. I would like to see more of my family and friends, but it seems like life is going on as normal - busy, hectic lives. Me included. As much as I would love to see certain people, I'm almost sure it isn't going to happen. It is unfortunate because I don't really know at this point when I'll be back to Utah to visit. I know the holidays are incredibly busy for the hotel I'll be working for, which means being back here will more than likely be out of the question.

I imagine that I'll be back around this time again next year. For those of you who don't know, my dad passed away on August 1, 1987. Since then, our family has made it a point to be together on that day every year after - initially going to the grave site together and reminiscing. But as time has progressed and our lives become more involved with personal families, work and commitments, we tend to try to set that say aside to simply be together as a family. Such was the case this year. My mom, my siblings (and their families) and I got together at my sister Heather's house for a barbecue. We ended up talking, playing PIG (basketball), hanging out, catching up, looking at old pictures and simply spending quality time with each other. I think this year was definitely more emotional and impacted us more because of Sadie's recent passing - but I think that, in part, made the day (and our being together) more special. With that in mind, I imagine the tradition will continue and I will be in Utah on the first of August from here on out. So while Utah hasn't seen the last of me, it will more than likely be a while before I'm back.

I won't lie - moving back is bittersweet. Definitely very sweet to be with Scott, in my apartment, working at my dream job (... can't get much better than that actually...) but at the same time, the experiences I've had and the time I've spent here have deeply influenced me. Definitely things I can apply to my life in Chicago, but I suppose all aspects of life worth living for involve some sort of challenge. In this case, leaving my family after a time that brought us closer and our relationships deeper than I ever imagined, leaving friends who truly went beyond any definition of friendship I could've envisioned, and once again, leaving comfort and familiarity to try something new and challenging. At the same time, the support that I've received from my family and friends, while bittersweet for them as well, has given me a great deal of strength to not only pursue my dream but obtain it and become successful with it.

I'm excited to see where this road takes me...

Experiences Had, Lessons Learned

I logged in to my account tonight and I looked at the entries I started but never finished over the past few weeks - there have been about three entries that have never seen the light of day. One of them actually had no words - I remember that I had intentions to write, but all I ended up doing was staring at the screen. There was no way all the thoughts and emotions I felt could be put into words. More often than not, that has basically been what I've been experiencing over the past month. Here are some excerpts from the entries I never finished:

June 26, 2009:

Today I turned 26. Truly though, my birthday has been something that has been in the back of my mind all day with the recent passing of my niece. My mind keeps racing back to special memories of family events or little moments her and I shared together and I find myself having a hard time staying present.

A little over a week ago, I had dinner with a dear friend who asked me what my resolutions were going to be for my new year. I gave him a look that told him he needed to explain himself further, and he told me that he feels resolutions should happen on your birthday and that way you can plan to make your new year more personal and meaningful. I really liked the concept and intended to write my goals, resolutions and aspirations for my 26th year. I still intend on doing so...

But right now, my mind is on my niece, my sister and her beautiful family. It's been a heartbreaking couple of days to say the least. I think that we, as a family, have been expecting this to happen for a while, but while Sadie was nearing the end of her life, we found it hard to grasp that it was actually happening.

I called my mom after I had gotten off of work on Wednesday and asked how things were going and she said that things were getting more severe. I don't think it registered in my mind that this could actually be the end until I got home to change and I checked my nieces blog. The most recent update was simple and brief: Hospice came and said Sadie may have about 48 hours - probably less. So I showered, got dressed, drove to my sisters - staring blankly the entire time, trying my best to process what was actually happening.

I actually stopped the entry there. At the time, I couldn't go much further as I recalled details from the last 24 hours of Sadie's life. I didn't want to write about them then and truly, I didn't know how.

July 17, 2009:

I've thought about writing over the past few weeks and I just couldn't. Something in me seemed to be unable to express what I felt in words. So instead, I've spent the last few weeks dealing with my emotions in other ways - Running, just sitting and thinking, going on drives, allowing myself to cry - Everything still seems so surreal.

Details of the last 24 hours of Sadie's life keep drifting to the front of my mind consistently, as do random special memories - like the first time I was able to spend time with her after I got back from serving as a missionary. She was only a year and a half or so, but was definitely very cautious of strangers. So I sat in her room and tried playing and talking with her and it wasn't long before she was handing me her blocks to help build and soon even let me pick her up. I remember how light she felt and how proud of the fact that she was letting me hold her and she was alright with it. It's strange how vivid those details and emotions are in my mind - but I'm very appreciative of the fact that I've held onto that moment, as well as many others... It had helped me tremendously over the past few weeks.

There's a part of me that truly wishes I could talk about my experience of being able to be there with my entire family during Sadie's last night or how I felt the following morning after she had passed away - but words could never do justice to the emotion and experience felt. It was truly sacred. My mom compared it recently to trying to explain a brilliant sunset - You may be able to describe details, but the experience is truly felt... and how does one adequately describe that? Suffice to say, those last moments are among the memories that drift around my mind as I go throughout my day - undeniably bittersweet, yet extremely close to my heart.

Sadie's passing was actually the day before my birthday. That morning, my sister hugged me and told me that Sadie would've loved to have been able to run, play and have fun on my day - and I couldn't have imagined a greater gift than that.

That takes us to today. Here I am - a little over one month since Sadie's passing and somehow life has continued to move on. I've had a great deal of time to reflect on many things and the thought occurred to me soon after Sadie's death that she accomplished every single goal and was truly able to live a fulfilling productive life, regardless of how short it was. It is inspiring. With that in mind, I've actually looked at my own life and thought what I could do to truly fulfill my dreams and goals. In regard to my career, what I really want to do is to be a successful pastry chef for a solid, successful business - preferably a major hotel.
I know that I've written before about my experience that I've had with the Marriott in downtown Chicago (if you are feeling reminiscent, check out my posting of the drama that went down: http://nikpug.blogspot.com/2008/10/semi-update.html) Well, despite the fact that things turned out less than ideal last time, I still truly respect the executive pastry chef that works there and value her opinion. So I e-mailed her recently, caught her up a bit - explaining why I was in Utah and that I had intentions to move back to Chicago. I also expressed the fact that I am looking to start my career, not just settle for a job to make ends meet and that if she had any ideas or leads to any places downtown that would seem ideal for me, I would very much value anything she might suggest. She e-mailed me back and said that the Marriott would actually be hiring new people for the pastry department over the next few months and that we should keep in touch. Last week, I noticed that a position opened online and I applied for it - considering the way things turned out last time, I was incredibly timid about the personality test but Cheryl (the executive pastry chef) e-mailed me and let me know that I had passed the personality assessment. Gratefully, that pushed me into the next round of candidates and from what I hear, interviews were this past week so a decision will be made fairly soon. Truly, this job is ideal. It is my dream job. I don't want to seem overly confident about this opportunity because I don't truly know if I'll get it or not, but I feel really good about it. It's funny looking back on that experience that I had with the Marriott before and how it seemed so ideal but it just didn't work out. I have no doubt now that it didn't work out because I was meant to be here in Utah with family during Sadie's last few months - and truly there is no other place I would've rather have been. But it seems as though the perfect opportunity I thought I had before is presenting itself again. It's humbling and incredibly exciting.

Another thing that I found remarkable about Sadie was her faith in Jesus Christ. I initially thought that her belief in Christ was a direct reflection of what T and Zac had taught her - and to a point, I'm sure that is true. How else do young children develop a belief system or acquire faith? But during her last year on this earth, that faith was much more than a belief. It was knowledge. I remember reading her blog and seeing the pictures that she had drawn (http://sadiehuish.blogspot.com/2009/06/faith-and-testimony-of-miss-sadie.html) and thinking "How is that possible? How can a child draw those types of pictures?" And I have no doubt that she knew. So, while I have always been someone who is deeply spiritual, I never had faith in Jesus Christ. But to make a very long explanation of what I am going through short, I trust my niece completely. Because of her knowledge of Jesus Christ, I have recently began a Christ-centered spiritual journey. This journey isn't religion specific - in fact, I've been asking many people from many faiths over the past few weeks about their suggestions of what I should read or what ideas they might have. I guess for the longest time I've been so cynical about the life of Jesus Christ - it seemed to be so mythological and unrealistic to me. And the idea of one man not only knowing every single person on a very personal level, but suffering and dying for each of us seemed a bit too much. But oddly, it doesn't seem so now. Like I said, I trust Sadie. I don't know if my faith will ever evolve into knowledge - but I very comfortable with taking this journey slow and really learning all I can about the life of Jesus Christ. I imagine it will be a very rewarding experience.

So that is where I'm at right now. I still find myself sad occasionally, but I've learned so much from Sadie and her life and I am really trying to apply those things to my life. It's been great to have been able to be here in Utah to have spent quality time with Sadie while she was still healthy enough to be active. It was necessary for me to be with family during those moments before and after Sadie's passing. It's been incredibly beneficial to have close friends and family around to spend time with. I have absolutely no regrets about being here.

I've heard that a person needs to know where they came from before they can know where they are going. Throughout my life, I've been so consumed by whatever chapter in my life I am currently involved in that I don't factor in my previous experience. But these past few months have seemed to merge every aspect of my life into one moment - now. Who I am is a result of every experience I've had and I feel ready to continue on with my life embracing that.

A life lesson

The desire to express my emotion through writing comes at the strangest moments - when I'm driving to work, while I'm running - usually never when I'm sitting in my room with nothing pressing to take care of. As luck would have it, I am in my room tonight with nothing pressing to take care of and I felt the need to write. I am jumping at the chance.

My last entry was a couple of weeks ago in anticipation for my visit back to Chicago to see Scott for his birthday. It was an amazing trip - it was so great to be with Scott, simply being together doing the everyday things we would normally do. I had a tremendously hard time coming back - in the last few hours we were together (and hours preceding), tears fell consistently and I wondered what might happen if I 'accidentally' missed my plane.

Well, the weeks since that trip have been short, but the tears have continued to fall for different reasons. If you are reading my blog, I can almost certainly wager you have been visiting my sisters blog as well. It is heartbreaking to read her words and to know what she and that beautiful family are going through. I tend to read her entries and feel like this experience is a gut-wrenching story that has no connection to me whatsoever. Like it's simply one of those Lifetime stories you allow yourself to cry with while you watch it and then the T.V. turns off afterward and you move on. But the truth of the matter is that this is my niece who is dying and this is my sister who is facing a situation no parent should ever have to face.

I've been trying to go over there when I can to at least help out with Olivia and Sam so that T and Zac can focus more attention on Sadie and her needs. The one thing I can say about ours and Zacs family that I truly admire is that no matter how much Sadie's condition regresses, our family adapts to those changes and works through them - still knowing that Sadie is just as intelligent and gifted as always. The same goes for Sadie - no matter what physical challenges she faces, she still smiles and laughs and meets those challenges head on. It is inspiring.

Recently, I've been talking to my friend Caitlin what I've been feeling and I told her how work, while draining me physically, has been a perfect distraction from the situation my family is facing and me being away from Scott. She replied by telling me Harmon's is a big building called Denial. I laughed - but agreed. Since then however, I've noticed a parallel between the lives of those around me lately at work. Here are a few examples of situations that my co-workers have faced recently:
Surgery to remove prostate cancer; the death of a father to Alzheimers Disease; the death of a boyfriend, whom my co-worker had been dating for over a year; the death of a brother-in-law to colon cancer. And while all of these situations are completely horrible, they have all learned from these situations and have shared their wisdom to me - whether they realize it or not. Mainly, to truly live life while you have it; to take time to own your emotions, no matter what it is; to love those you care about unconditionally while you have them in your lives; and to remember the achievements of ones life, not focus on their death. I know that just looking at these people on the surface, you'd never have imagined these challenges they've faced - But they are making it through. And as much as I can't comprehend what the next few weeks may hold, I hope I'm able to follow the examples of those people during this difficult time.

Going home.

I'm going to be flying back to Chicago tomorrow for an extended weekend in honor of Scott's 25th birthday... I should be asleep considering the day I've had, but I am too excited. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that it feels like being a kid on Christmas Eve with the anticipation of what the next day is going to bring. Scott and I have been talking everyday since I moved back to Utah and while I still feel he knows everything about what's going on in my life than anyone else, I can't wait to be able to spend these few days being face to face with him. We won't need to say much of anything because we don't need to catch up at all - just being together will be enough.

This little vacation back home to Chicago couldn't have come at a more perfect time - work, while such a tremendous blessing to have, is literally wearing me thin. Since I started working with Harmon's, I've been averaging about 55+ (very physical) hours a week. This week would've been even more intense considering I only worked three days and clocked out today with almost 38 hours. There is just always something more that needs to be done... once I think I have things pretty well under control, I find that there are a least a few other things that need taken care of. And because I have the experience to do those things, they tend to fall directly on my shoulders. There, my friends, lies the blessing and curse of going above mediocrity on a daily basis.

And that is the surface.

Underneath the exterior, work has been a incredibly wonderful distraction from being away from Scott and to not get my mind distracted how Sadie is doing. I won't lie, I worry. A lot. My mom somehow instilled that in me and I haven't been able to shake it. So I've found that working as much as I have has not only given me more financial security (which means less stress in one area of my life. Woot.) but forces me to prioritize my time and energy effectively to avoid those lulls in my life where I sit dormant. When I work this much, I tend to take advantage of the time I have free to spend time with my family or to be at the gym or take care of those odds and ends that get left behind.

I think today was the final drop that made the glass overflow - my fatigue caught up with me. It's the type of feeling where you want to go home, spend an evening on the couch watching a movie with your love. And that is exactly what I intend on doing. (Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get a massage or something.)



I realized recently that I tend to be incredibly personal on this blog. If you're reading this, I hope you don't mind that I am. But truth be told, I never write with the intention that anyone will ever read it (except myself when I'm feeling reflective) - so I'm always somewhat taken aback when someone asks me about something I wrote in this blog. I don't know - there's a sense of freedom in expressing words to the world that you never know someone may hear.